anyone have experience with the pain associated with tough love with regard to young adults? I knew it was coming but I had to let my 24 yr old son know that we would not give him an old car of ours that we’d intended for him. About 8 months ago He used it and got a DUI. He assumed all financial responsibility for his DUI, (as he does for his life) and the finding was 1 year probation, after which it’ll drop off his record. He’s taken the class, and after many denials on his end that he doesn’t have a problem, has begun to address his problem drinking. He has started counseling, is making an attempt to quit, but has admitted that he has not 100% quit. So in conversation he’s hinted that the car might still be an option. I told him that there was no way that we’d be agreeable to giving him this car and have to sell it. Further I told him that he’s not sober because that means 100% not drinking but I applauded his efforts for taking steps in that direction, and reminded him that we will be there for him, but he’d have to be sober for a very very long time before we’d ever help him with a vehicle. To be honest, I don’t ever see myself doing that. Of course he acted shocked that I’d even suggest he’d ever drive intoxicated again, but I remained calm and said little except I surely hope he wouldn’t. I told him his sobriety was entirely his journey, but yeah the car help is off the table. the phone conversation was quickly over. I know it was the right thing to do, but it’s very tough to be tough
It is tough, but it is also a sign that you love him deeply.
Lots of tough love opportunities here in my house. Started with my bio 17 year old son who took the “if you don’t like my rules, there’s the door” literally and moved out and couch-surfed until his high school graduation. He did live at home that summer before he left for USAF boot camp but boy that was a really, really tough 5 months for me. We couldn’t be closer today, 9 years later 
Had stepdaughter move in, found out she had a drug problem and tried to help her several times. When it looked like it was really out of hand we brought her to detox. Five days later they called for us to be involved in her discharge planning. We went but when they suggested/assumed we would bring her back into the home, I said straight out “she’s homeless, she needs to go to a sober or halfway house for six months and then we’ll revisit”. She has now been sober for 3 years but I’ll never let her live here again and we have never been able to regain the little bit of trust I had for her as an older teen. Had my young teen daughter not been living in the house when she was using the situation may have been different but I’ll never forgive her for the way she treated my bio D due to her substance abuse.
Stepson smashed a vehicle I allowed him to drive on 4th of July (DUI). After losing his license for 90 days he was incensed that I wouldn’t give him the keys back. At court, he lost his license for two years. He moved out, has his license back but continues to drink. He will never live here again either, although we do have a good relationship.
Yea, tough love is really TOUGH. But it works if you can do it.
Seems rational & reasonable under the circumstances. Giving him a car after his DUI + continued drinking problem would be irresponsible on your part.
Fullmom, sorry you’re dealing with a rough situation. It is hard. I hope things improve for you both. We were lucky because it only took a couple of years for S1 to come around after we had to take a hard line with him. In the past year, he has even told us several times how much he regrets the trouble he gave us and how much he appreciates and loves us. Eight or nine years ago, I never would have dreamed we’d hear that. Don’t give up hope.
The tough love thing is so hard. I’m in the process of writing a book about our experience with our son. I know that NA and AA preach this but I’m not certain it is the right thing for everyone. You’ll have to see how things work out and modify as needed.
Please find yourself an Al-Anon meeting. You’ll meet people in similar situations with their loved ones and you’ll learn how to set boundaries with yourself and your son.
OP does your S have a car now – how does he get to work or school? I am just wondering if not giving him your car is actually preventing him from driving.
You could also look at the scenario from a different angle. Giving him the car would be a statement on your part that you trust in him enough to do so because you believe he will not have that same lapse of judgement again.
He can Uber.
Wow, thanks so much. All of you, really helps to stay strong. He lives in a major city, public transportation. He wants to pursue a job that requires he have transportation. Well then I guess he will have to save $ and buy a car and insurance which I know he can’t afford. But to help him with all this would be enabling.
To manage expectations, the odds are he will never completely quit drinking, at least for any long period of time. Depending on whose numbers you want to believe, the success of AA hovers around 10%.
Roethlisburger, I have days where I feel like he will never quit. That’s his choice. It will upset, aggravate and worry me, but my job I guess is to learn how to manage my ‘stuff’ with regard to him. Hope though does exist, in my circle of family and friends I have 2 family members sober, one with 28 years at AA, the other 10 years sober. Then multiple friends that had to get sober, some who no longer attend AA but in fact are still living sober.
Momofjandal, yes he can. And he can work 2 jobs and save money (actually has picked up a 2nd side job from time to time) to buy a car and get insurance…I have to stay the course
Silat…can you offer how you managed to stay the course? What did taking a hard line look like? Oh how I wish I was where you are
Northernmom61…thank you, your words made me feel better. Isn’t that crazy? To set limits is more loving!
Fullmom, I wish I could offer you some guidelines but every situation is unique. There were several times when I had to tell S1 that while he thought I didn’t love him the fact was that I loved him too much to let him do something potentially harmful. Other times I had to tell him that I hoped it made him feel better to say hateful things, but no matter what he said I loved him too much to back down. Some times we took one step forward and two steps back.
I found that it worked better to email S1 sometimes instead of talking. Once when I refused to immediately agree to what he wanted, he angrily cut off our phone call before I could explain the alternative I was willing to offer. I ignored the temper tantrum and sent a calm email explaining why my alternative was better for him - his growth, his confidence, his dignity. It took a few days, but he called me back in tears to apologize. Then he said he’d waited to call because after he read my email, he worked out a way to solve his own problem and it was easier knowing that I was willing to help him in a way that didn’t make him feel like a child. Things were still somewhat bumpy for a while, but dh and I could see our relationship with him get better over time.
It would be tough for me to be in your shoes, because a DUI is one thing I lectured our kids about. I promised I’d never give them grief if they called for a ride, or for however they made sure to not drive while impaired, but heaven help them if they ever got a DUI. A child I used to take care of was killed by a drunk driver. Going to that funeral was one of the hardest things I’ve done. My kids heard the story several times. I could not fund a car for them after a DUI if they continued to drink, and would hope that they’d choose to remain 100% sober for at least 5 yrs. if only to prove to themselves that they did not “need” to drink. YMMV.
Good luck!
In mid-October, I attended the funeral of my best friend from college. She died from alcoholism and drug addiction. She drank herself to death and was homeless when she died. They found her body in a public park about a block from her parents’ house.
You are doing the right thing. Trust me.
I didn’t speak to my friend for about 18 months prior to her death. She got into a really horrible DUI, in which she totaled her car. The vehicle was such a wreck that the police said it was amazing that my friend literally walked away from it. However, she really couldn’t walk because she stumbled out of the car and she was almost totally incoherent. I told her to call me when she’d been sober for 6 months. Between her drinking and addiction to Xanax and Ambien, it was too much.
My friend’s parents and her sister basically did the same thing eventually. You are doing the right thing. Enabling the addict does nobody any favors. Seek out an Al Anon support group in your area. You need support from people who are going through what you are.
It’s so hard. We have a loved one who has struggled with one of his kids, including having to call the cops when he broke into the house. The kid had trouble with alcohol and drugs including heroin. Prison/jail actually helped him by offering programs and really motivated him. He got his GED and into a program when he was released where he lives in a small group setting and us holding two part time jobs. It was really rough for the dad but tough love helped the son more than enabling would have.
Best of luck to all who walk this challenging path.
interesting, after I read all these responses, my tough love muscle strengthened. My frustration increased too. I knew from the moment he got his DUI that the ramifications would dog him for some time. He’s in an industry that offers better paying positions as long as you can drive to project sites. His current job allows him to be housed internally but it has a ceiling with promotion and pay. In order to make more money he’d have to switch into a different line of work. Not out of the question, but he likes his industry. I think he thought that his DUI was going to be solved by going to the class, paying his probation fee, and making a 1/2 attempt at quitting drinking, everything would go back to normal. i struggled initially with giving him the car because of his issues. He had claimed he was really working on his drinking, had saved money for the insurance costs etc. We decided to take a chance. The night before he was to take it he was home visiting, claimed a friend was picking him up, we went to bed, and he took the car. That he didn’t cause an accident was the only lucky thing that happened. We’ve managed to maintain our relationship in spite of asking him to refrain from drinking when he visits (he said ok to that). But over the course of the 8 months he slipped there a couple of times. We did not ask him to leave even because we were not ready to do that. Thanksgiving he did not drink at all over 4 days home, nor did his girlfriend who I think was trying to be supportive, nor did I. He was a true delight to have home. He said he was going to try to quit for real but offered up that over the past month he’s had allowed himself in settings where others drank to have one drink when he felt in control. I gently offered up that that was not being sober, but gave him credit for trying! I know Al Anon would offer me support and I guess I will get there. I’m just so tired of this issue that the idea of listening to more and more heart breaking stories already feels depressing
My MIL was an alcoholic. Many people believe that 12-step programs are the only answer. They are not. Read this article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/
I don’t think it’s “tough love” not to give an active alcoholic access to a car. I think it’s common sense.