<p>Just what I was thinking!</p>
<p>Congratulations Lady Loma (and Mr. Loma!) Job well done!</p>
<p>Hi all. Not sure if this is the right place to post, but we just left our son off at college 1 1/2 weeks ago, and I guess I am experiencing delayed “sadness” reaction. He is my only kid, and I have been a SAHM for the past 18 years, so I am really feeling lost. Also, he seems to be having some initial “adjustment” problems, making it even worse. How did you all cope? Did you just sign up for a bunch of volunteering, join a gym, take classes, what? DH is still working and is gone from 7 AM til 6 PM every weekday. When he’s here on the weekends, he is either doing lawn work or on the computer, so I feel even more isolated. I am looking for ways to help myself, but really feel the “loss” of my son. I know he’s just in college, not dead, but sometimes it feels that way. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>First of all, hugs and know you will adjust. :)</p>
<p>Labbydog, what did you do the teen years when your son was home but not “home”??? Maybe look to keep those things in your routine or expand them. </p>
<p>Is there another mom you know in the same spot as you? Set a weekly coffee or walk date. Develop some sort of daily routine that you decide to adhere to for the time being. Set the alarm, wake up, read paper, eat breakfast, shower. Then pick a least one morning, one afternoon and one evening activity. Exercise or garden, or clean out a closet. </p>
<p>Volunteer if it’s what you want to do. Take a class if you have a desire. Take over the lawn work so your husband has more free time on the weekend! </p>
<p>What type of adjustment problems is your son having? Being gone from home? Roommate? Academic issues? Tell us more and someone will help. 
Adjustment problems are VERY typical!!</p>
<p>Labbydog, I agree with abasket. Make a sort of schedule for yourself, until you figure out what you really want to do. Reading through this thread may give you good ideas. My husband and I are learning to adapt to no kids (but paying 3 tuitions, so that limits options somewhat). You will find a new normal. Start a new thread or post here about your sons’s issues. I’ve received wonderful advice from others on CC.</p>
<p>Thanks 1214mom and abasket for your responses and suggestions. In thinking back to what I did when DS was in high school, I belonged to a gym, had a dog at that time (she died in February) and we did lots of walks, joined a few classes that were of interest, grocery shopped, did laundry, picked DH up from the train. The time I’m "alone: isn’t that different from what it was before, but it feels different to me. It’s hard for me to walk into DS’s bedroom these days.</p>
<p>DS is having the usual adjustment problems that most freshmen have. He feels that he is having trouble finding students “like him” on campus. He’s a big video gamer, and it seems there is nobody interested in playing video games. There is no club listed as a “video game club” on the college’s website. I told him to go over to the library and see if he could get a job at their help desk “fixing” students’ computer problems; also what about “starting” a video game club. His roommate is decent, but socially is the exact opposite of my son. Goes off on his own to do all the orientation activities listed, has already attended parties in other dorms that are not “low chem” (DS’s dorm is), and has come in at 1:30 AM a few of the nights already. The kids on my son’s floor keep their doors closed. I should add that DS has never been to overnight camp or anywhere for an extended period of time where he does not know anyone. He has been on week-long trips during the summers, but they have been with his friends. Meanwhile, his 3 closest friends from high school are emailing and texting him about how great their colleges are and how they have already found students just like the old group of friends. Not helping! He is calling us to videochat every night. He seems fine when he is talking, but seems to have already developed a somewhat negative attitude about the school. I am hoping this is only temporary because I am feeling his pain, and it is making me depressed!</p>
<p>I like your ideas about having a schedule. I will try to implement that tomorrow. Thank you for all the good advice, and I will keep you posted.</p>
<p>Labbydog, I feel your pain. We just dropped my son off a few days ago. He’s a sophomore and doing fine, but I’m as sad as I was last year. He’s our third (our youngest). The older two have graduated from college and have been out on their own for a while now. Our seventeen year old dog passed in June and we downsized in May so everything seems very different and empty. I loved having our son home this summer. He enjoys spending time with us and he’s drifted away from some of his hs friends so we spent a lot of time with him this summer. I know he’s in a great place and it’s a great fit for him, but I miss him so much. I need to fill my days, but I seem to be in a rut. This, too, shall pass?</p>
<p>Labbydog, I could pull up a thread here on CC that is pages long that I started 4 years ago about my S and his struggle with fitting in at school - all kinds of advice on there! We found that when he went back after Christmas break that things turned around somewhat - I think that Christmas break was a much needed “regroup” time for him. He graduated from that school in May with a wonderful group of friends - that he did feel comfortable with.</p>
<p>You will get lots of advice if you post a separate thread on Parent Cafe or the other side. :)</p>
<p>Try that schedule. It sounds like the things you did before are things you will still be doing. And regarding that nightly videochat - make sure you tell him you are fine doing but also ok if he misses a night. And keep yourself busy with some activities so you have stuff to chat about when you video chat with him! That way some of the conversation is NOT about him and perhaps his anguish but also just about regular, daily stuff. </p>
<p>Labbydog, I wrote this for another SAHM whose only child went off to college but who also lost her husband in the same year. </p>
<p>A sage friend of mine says that happiness (or at least mental health) probably requires that one’s life include community, meaning and structure. When one is gone, life can still be OK (and some people don’t need community although I think there is evidence that people who don’t have a real community die younger and have worse physical health, among other things). </p>
<p>Structure just means that one has to be certain places at certain times, do certain things each day, etc. Structure can be self-generated, but many people do not do generate their own if left to their own devices. (The routine can be or be tied to the structure). </p>
<p>Without a sense of meaning to our lives, a sense that our actions are tied to some higher purpose or are consistent with our vision of ourselves as human beings, people tend to be unhappy or depressed. External activities including but not limited to work can help provide community, meaning and structure. Work for pay can give all (and I have the good fortunate to have work that provides community, meaning and some structure) but it may not. Many jobs don’t feel connected to higher purposes and for some people, sap a core kind of energy.</p>
<p>I would seek activities that provide community, meaning and structure – and income if you need or want it (because you need it or like to spend or because you or people whose opinions you value include it in assessments or the worth or people’s activities). But, if income is not as necessary because of your husband’s savings, insurance, etc., I’d focus on the things that give you the holy trinity of happiness. These could be employment but they could involve volunteer work, setting up a non-profit charitable organization, coaching younger people, etc.</p>
<p>I am also a big fan of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as it can help jump start people who are a little down in the dumps.</p>
<p>Also sorry to here about your son. My guess is he’ll find his community – our goddaughter whined and moaned through her freshman year that she couldn’t find anyone like her and by graduation, she loved her school and loved her friends. On the other hand, my daughter loved the social part of her college, but tried to switch programs and was blocked. So she transferred at the end of the first semester and loves her program at her new school (though socially it is probably not as good). But she is very happy and entering her senior year (she’s going to graduate one semester early as part of an accelerated program where she gets a masters in 1.5 years. Today, my wife went to a ceremony where she was honored for having GPA in the top 5 or 6% (like Phi Beta Kappa, I’d guess). She hadn’t done as well at her first school. So, kids are resilient and can adjust.</p>
<p>Thank you ams5796, abasket and shawbridge. I really appreciate your responses. The structure thing is a great idea, and, I, too, am a believer in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Abasket, how do I post of thread on Parent Cafe or “the other side.” (I’m a little technically challenged.) I would love to read the thread you wrote several years ago. Ams5796, if you want to private email me, feel free. Maybe we can help each other. </p>
<p>Here’s the “Parents Forum” page (as opposed to the Parent Cafe):
<a href=“Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/</a>
Just click the orange “new discussion” button and type away! </p>
<p>And here’s the thread I mentioned - I actually didn’t start it, but was very active on it!!!</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/990317-anyone-else-have-child-who-having-hard-time-making-transition.html?highlight=freshman+abasket”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/990317-anyone-else-have-child-who-having-hard-time-making-transition.html?highlight=freshman+abasket</a></p>
<p>Thanks abasket. I just went over there are read through quite a few posts on that question. I don’t feel quite so alone now. A question for you: did you son stick it out at his college (I guess he would have graduated this year) or did he transfer? Thanks so much for your help.</p>
<p>labbydog, I, too, feel your pain. My husband and I recently dropped our daughter off for her freshman year of college, and the best word I can find to describe how I feel is “bereft,” and even that is inadequate. Our daughter lived at home until she was 23 while she trained in her sport, and I traveled everywhere with her, so I didn’t have the opportunity to build much of a life separate from hers till now.</p>
<p>I actually scheduled a necessary surgery for a few days after my husband and I returned home, because I thought it would distract me. Other than that, I have begun reconnecting with friends I seldom had the time to see before our daughter left for school. I plan to continue my visits to the gym with my trainer–a friend who used to train our daughter and knows our family well–and I have a book project I’ve begun working on. Poetry is coming back into my life, as well.</p>
<p>I concur that beginning by putting some structure into your life should be helpful–regular visits to the gym, a yoga class, an art class, lunch once a week with a friend–anything to get you out of the house and have somewhere to be. Meaning and community may take longer to put into place, but if you belong to a church, that might be a good place to start.</p>
<p>My husband says he is looking forward to seeing how our lives unfold in the coming years. He sees it as a kind of adventure. Would your husband be interested in starting to connect in a different way? I know you said he is still working, and is busy on the weekends, but perhaps a weekly date night would be enjoyable for the two of you.</p>
<p>I clearly don’t have the answers, since I am just beginning this phase of my life, as well, but I can also clearly see that I am not alone. It is great that we are able to all help each other.</p>
<p>Labbydog, yes he did graduate from his initial school. We never got to the point of talking transfer - while he wasn’t happy for awhile, he is a “gut it out” kind of kid and so he knew he had to deal. Fortunately things got better (not perfect) second semester - but I had told myself that if he had any talk of transfer he was going to have to do the legwork and contacts to find the “right” new spot. </p>
<p>Abasket, all good points you made. I give your son credit for not throwing in the towel.</p>
<p>Hi Lady Lorna. You sound like you are in the same place I am. Not quite sure what to do with myself, but I made some “plans” this past week. Meditation class on Monday, Knitting class on Wednesdays, working on Yoga class for Fridays! Exercise in between, and possibly sign up to do weekend dog fostering/training for an organization that trains dogs for the disabled (the prison inmates at the female prison train them during th week). So, like DS, I am also trying to “find my way” in the empty nest. Thanks for your post.</p>
<p>Hi all. Labbydog, it seems that the loss of your dog and temporary loss of your son is really hitting you. In reading your posts, I’ve been thinking a lot of my oldest son’s experience. His roommate and he were exact opposites in everyway. His roomie was super social and had an older sister at the college. My son knew no one and his friends all complained he was too far away to visit. I should have listened to him: he wanted to transfer by Christmas vacation. Normally, I discount those feelings, but by staying, the spiral had started. He grew more and more depressed, withdrawn, and isolated. He slept endlessly and only left his dorm to eat and go to classes. He wasn’t so much a gamer, but hooked on the computer as his only kind of socializng. In truth, he really wasn’t ready for college. Very few kids survive that feeling, and whew! I’m glad to say he eventually graduated at another school, but the damage was done and it’s painful to look back to what we missed and should have done.</p>
<p>My second son was the gamer and he too hated college at first. In fact, his first year wasn’t easy. But today, he looks back to college so fondly. Those days and nights of feeling sorry for himself disappeared once he started to join clubs and kept himself busy. Clubs: some kind of camping or outdoors, Habitat 4 Humanity, cooking class, a dance club, a business club, a foreign language club, etc. I highly recommend your son try out new groups to help to widen his circle of friends. Find at least one sport, one arts, one community service, etc. There are many other freshmen experiencing this adjustment period; now’s the time to reach out to others,</p>
<p>For you, I suggest you consider getting yourself another dog. It’s a good time. Plus, do all those other activities you’ve mentioned (get a schedule, join a clun, do some volunteering, take over some of your DH’s chores, etc.). I really think a lot of your sadness is related to your worry about your son. It’s natural. Try not to focus on those negative feelings when you talk every night. He needs to know he’s ready to cut lose, but if you spend your time commiserating about how you miss your son, and he you, that’s counter-productive and helps no one. </p>
<p>Well, if your husband decides to retire and only work .5 time on contract you might find that you have little time to even think about what you would like to do. 
As he will ask you every free day what the two of you are doing.</p>
<p>The idea of a schedule is good for most people. I actually don’t care to have to be the same place every week which has made things harder for me. On the flip side, I cherish time alone and always find something to do.
I do a lot of research on the computer and wish I could find a flexible paying job doing this. </p>
<p>labbydog-- I like the weekend dog care–what a great idea. </p>
<p>Oh–will add that it is really important that you leave the house each day even if it is to drop a letter at the Post Office. </p>
<p>I remember that thread, abasket. </p>
<p>We took exactly the same approach with our D – “If you’re going to leave, you’ll have to figure out where you’re going and how you’ll get there. And that includes figuring out how you’ll make up for the fabulous scholarship/grant package you’re getting now, and will not get anywhere else.” By the end of freshman year, she had formulated a reasonable plan. But she went back and ended up loving it. As difficult as it was, I’m so glad we stood firm and didn’t let her come home when she wanted to.</p>
<p>Oregon101, a neighbor has a part-time job as exec assistant to an exec in another state. Her linkedin page now says manager, finance and administration. I use my EA for a lot of things involving research. </p>