<p>My son is a currently a sophomore at an all boys school. The school is 25 minutes from home and offers nothing in the way of social activities. Most of his classmates are 30-60 minutes away. Any suggestions that you might have for social opportunities would be appreciated. He’s a good student, good looking, and a good athlete, now he just needs a social life. Thanks!</p>
<p>Wow - I think you are actually talking about MY son…the description fits to a “T!!!” I’m not sure I have a great answer for you though. </p>
<p>First a question: Does your son have friends and just not a social life, or do you feel as though he has no friends? If you really feel the problem is lack of friends, I’m not sure I can help at all. If you think he has plenty of friends, but just isn’t “going out” with them, then I would say our situation was exactly like yours. My son had a very, very limited social life for MOST of his h.s. career. Freshman, sophomore and junior year it was practically non-existent - but that wasn’t necessarily a really bad thing. It was sort of his choice. He put alot of time into his sport, and even more time into his studies. He was also the type of kid who didn’t mind being with his parents. He did go out once in awhile with friends from our hometown, and he did go out once in awhile with friends from his private h.s. But really, compared to MOST h.s. students, he was at home alot. I can’t say he was thrilled with the situation (he’d joke about his lack of a social life), but my husband and I always thought that if he really WANTED to go out more, he could make the effort and do it. He had PLENTY of friends both at home and at school. He could have been a little more proactive about getting out there. I do have to say that his lack of social life definitely helped his academic life. He was always a great student, but he really worked hard and did remarkably well at his private h.s. His lack of social life also gave my husband and I a little less to worry about. When I would hear stories at work every Monday about the crazy h.s. parties from the past weekend, I would appreciate how nice it was to know that my son had been home with us. (Full disclosure: I have another child who actually has a very, very busy social life, so I really know what it’s like to worry about a kid who is out every single weekend doing all that h.s. stuff!!!)</p>
<p>Things did improve his senior year - he saw both friends from home, but also did more stuff with friends from school. (Still MUCH less than the typical kid, but more than the first 3 years.) I think having a driver’s license might have made a difference. This past summer (before he left for college) he became a social butterfly - he was out quite a bit (with people from home, people from school, and people from his summer job.) I was especially happy about it not only because I liked seeing him out and having fun, but also because I knew it would make the “adjustment” to his being away at college a little easier for me!!! No kidding - before this year we really were used to having him home almost every weekend!!!</p>
<p>So, what I would say to you is this: If your son WANTS a social life, he’ll find one. Has he lost touch with his hometown friends? Does he have friends from either a town or school team he might participate on? You’ll need to help him with logistics with his friends from school and just generally try to facilitate things he wants to do with kids who life far away. Just let him know you’re willing to help if he wants to go somewhere or do something. But don’t make yourself too crazy worrying about his social life. In our case I think our son just wanted to do h.s. a little different than most kids…it seemed to be his choice. And by the way, he is a now a freshman in college, and from everything I can see, his social life is great (parties, school events, etc.) So far (and it’s REALLY early) I think he’s on his way to being a well-adjustment college freshman.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if I helped at all, but hopefully I’ve reassured you that “lack of a social life” in h.s. is not necessarily a bad thing!</p>
<p>How about joining a club team in his sport? My D met a lot of very nice friends through her club soccer team. They tend to be more local (or regional depending on level) so there might be new friends from your neighborhood.</p>
<p>Find out where the local HS kids volunteer and volunteer.</p>
<p>Get a job flipping burgers with some of the locals.</p>
<p>Just some ideas.</p>
<p>Just to clarify, he has plenty of friends at school but they mostly live 30+ minutes away. To make matters worse, his good friends from (private) middle school have all gone to different schools. Thanks for the replies!</p>
<p>Again, IF your son has friends, and IF he wants a social life and IF (this one’s a big IF) YOU are willing to help with logistics, there should be no real issue. As a sophomore in h.s. I would guess that you need to drive him to social gatherings he might want to attend, and if most of his h.s. friends live 30+ minutes away, you’ll have to drive a little far. Whenever my son did do something with h.s. friends, we always had to drive him and then pick him up when done. We knew when we sent him to a private school 30 minutes away that it was going to be what we called a “family commitment” — and it was. That was never a problem for us.</p>
<p>If you’re asking how he can have a social life that doesn’t involve much traveling, I’m not sure. Maybe a job close to home where he can meet and hang out with other kids his age?</p>
<p>my daughter attended an urban school in the center of the city her friends all live in the farthest four corners .
I would have been happy if it only took 30 min to pick her up.
however- assuming there are public schools closer to your neighborhood- he should be eligible to participate in some of their activities- i.e. sports</p>
<p>“assuming there are public schools closer to your neighborhood- he should be eligible to participate in some of their activities- i.e. sports”</p>
<p>Not sure where the OP lives, but where I live that is absolutely NOT true (unless your private school doesn’t offer the same sports - which basically never happens around here.) I work in the public school system and I’ve never known one single kid from private school who ever participated in public school sports or any other activity. Town recreation sports and activities are another thing - but definitely NOT public school sports/activities.</p>
<p>My D goes to public school a half hour away, and her friends live on the other side, so nearly an hour away. We drive a lot! But also, they see each other at school, eat lunch together, talk on the phone, and feel very connected even though they live far apart. They’re very different, so they have different EC’s, which means they connect with other groups of kids too. If your son is athletic, does he play for school teams? A lot of kids, esp. boys, get all their socializing that way-- here, at least. My D doesn’t connect with teenagers as well as with adults, and her EC’s reflect that, and sometimes I worry about it. But she’s a good student, has a great time with her friends and with older people, and if she doesn’t go to the big parties like many of the others? That’s kind of a relief to me.</p>
<p>Similar situation in that ds goes to a school about 30 minutes from our house (in good traffic), and the school draws from all over the area, so hsi school friends aren’t close. </p>
<p>Ds’s social life picked up tremendously when he got on Facebook his junior year. Is your ds on?</p>
<p>Wow. I’m a teenager and occasionally I click on one of the “Parents Forum” threads from the main page and I have to say…the extent to which some of you put yourselves into your kids’ lives is a bit disturbing.</p>
<p>Malan89 - I’m really curious. Just how are we “putting ourselves” into our childrens’ lives in such a way that you are disturbed about it? I just reread the posts and I don’t see anything except some parents trying to give advice to another parent. And no one mentioned “arranging playdates” or in any other way “orchestrating” the kid’s social life. A parent has every right to be concerned about their teenagers social life (or lack of one.)</p>
<p>It’s fine that you like to check out the parents forums…but, you probably shouldn’t be quite so judgemental about things which you really don’t know anything about. We’ve all been teenagers. I’m pretty sure you haven’t yet had the pleasure of actually being a parent!</p>
<p>(And I wouldn’t be scolding you except you might not want to post here unless you’re going to add something constructive to the conversation…)</p>
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<p>Not having a Facebook keeps you out of the loop. He should really get one if he doesn’t have one already.</p>
<p>If your son has a good group of social friends, the “opportunities” will come. Maybe suggest inviting his friends to see a movie.</p>
<p>Volunteering clubs/groups are a great way to get out there and interact with new people. I am in a volunteer club at my high school and we do events every week. If your son’s school doesn’t have this, scout around for some local teen volunteering organizations. </p>
<p>And malan is just saying that most teens don’t appreciate their parents posting on an online forum for advice on their social lives.</p>
<p>“And malan is just saying that most teens don’t appreciate their parents posting on an online forum for advice on their social lives.”</p>
<p>Well, that’s really not how I read the post. I would think that as a parent, one would have enough sense NOT to tell her kid that she’s posting on this forum with concerns about his social life. Actually, my kids have never even been on this site and find the fact that I read and post here sort of amusing. It is anonymous after all! </p>
<p>I’m sure our kids discuss plenty of stuff they’d rather not have us privy to. I’m sure there is TONS of stuff my kids post in various places I would find quite disturbing. I make it a point not to try to find or read that stuff. I definitely believe in respecting privacy. All I’m saying is that if Malan finds it “disturbing,” maybe he/she should NOT read the parent’s forum.</p>
<p>(Sorry if I sound harsh — I just thought the post sounded a little too judgemental.)</p>
<p>pott, maybe there are no social activities at school because no one has organized any; perhaps it’s time to change that. If your son is interested in an activity, perhaps he should try to start a club that meets after school. He’d have to get permission from the school and likely find a teacher to “sponsor” the club, and after that, he could recruit club members. </p>
<p>Is there a school newspaper? Literary magazine? Would a robotics, tennis, skiing, cycling, fencing or entrepreneur club be of interest? A “green” club, to promote recycling in the school and at home? How about an International club, to learn about other countries, hold dinners featuring national cuisine of featured countries, and an international fair? How about improv? </p>
<p>There are many opportunities your son could make for himself, and not only would he gain a social activity at school from which he and others would benefit, he’d have learned how to organize and run a club, too. </p>
<p>Otherwise, perhaps planning outings such as a monthly dinner at a restaurant, spelunking at nearby caves, going to the movies, or holding a weekly poker or other games night would help.</p>
<p>Nature abhors a vacuum; guide your son into creating the world he wants for himself. If he wants a social life, he should build it rather than waiting for it to come to him!</p>
<p>I’m not judging anybody and I apologize if it looks that way, but I’m just thinking that 16 and 17 year olds are mature enough to handle their own social lives. There’s nothing wrong with concern, but posting about “social opportunities” for your soon-to-be full fledged adult seems, to an total stranger/observer, a bit clingy/unnecessary/unhealthy (I’m not saying it wasn’t done with good intentions). The post caught my eye in the Recent Discussions box simply because it reminded me of the helicopter parents I’ve been seeing a lot more of lately thanks to college tours and all that jazz. Another reminder, this is the Internet (and what my generation is learning the hard way is something you should already understand, nothing is private on the internet) and I’m sure your kids would be mortified by the sight of their parents posting for what is essentially playdate suggestions from complete strangers. Don’t post anything here you wouldn’t want them to see. I’m just putting it out there…who knew the Parents Forum was prime flame war territory?</p>
<p>malan, my son was 14 when he started his sophomore year in HS; he turned 15 during the school year. He wasn’t old enough to drive and he went to a school that was not in our neighborhood, so his social life was entirely dependent on his parents’ cooperation.</p>
<p>Parents do a lot of things that would mortify their kids if their kids only knew, including what made the kids possible in the first place! :D</p>
<p>And for all any of us know, the OP’s son is eager for suggestions.</p>
<p>I really don’t want to hi-jack this thread, and I’m really not trying to “flame” you, however…</p>
<p>I feel like you’re trying to “teach” me something that you really don’t need to. Maybe your parents shouldn’t post here, because you obviously read these boards. My kids, however, have absolutely NO interest in this at all (except to tease me about how lame they think it is.) I guess it’s nice that you want to give us your advice, but what you’re saying isn’t helpful to the OP.</p>
<p>And again, no one is suggesting “playdate” options - just trying to reassure her that the situation is OK. And it’s OK for her to ask the question. It’s perfectly normal for her to be concerned and to ask for advice. And you know what: 16 and 17 year olds are definitely mature enough to handle their own social lives, but that doesn’t mean that they would never want any advice from their parents.</p>
<p>And really, you’re not “judging anybody,” yet you are saying we remind you of “helicopter parents?” I really don’t think the term “helicopter parent” is much of a compliment, do you?</p>
<p>OP: read all the posts here from other parents. I think you got some good advice!</p>
<p>China, I understand your point of view. And I can also see how the post would come off as a little jarring and therefore you feel the need to get defensive. </p>
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Well, that’s how most of us think. My words were just a translated version of malan’s post. </p>
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Yes, you are correct. However, not telling your kid is NOT the problem at hand. Not telling your son doesn’t make it less mortifying.</p>
<p>But of course, I respect pott’s genuine concern for her son’s social life and I think it’s great how everyone is giving some very helpful anecdotes and advice. Owlice had some awesome suggestions. And China, I found your story about your own son to be very helpful as well.</p>
<p>pott, when your son can drive (junior year?), there’ll be a lot more social opportunities.</p>
<p>I agree that kids need to transition towards social independence, but that happens at different times for different kids (and a wide range is normal).</p>
<p>Many kids are happy to get some indirect hints at this age.</p>
<p>Even though classmates are 30-60 minutes away, he could get together with favorites for long sleepovers during the weekend. With studies and EC’s during the week, that is usually enough. Some parents are reticent about hosting. Don’t let that deter you. I am always happy to be the house where the kids like to go. </p>
<p>This is a good time of year to join a church group. That would expose him to a bunch of very local kids, with something fun to do one or two days a week. Doing sports at the local high school is a good idea, although establishing more meaningful friendships with kids you don’t see very often can be challenging.</p>
<p>■■■■■■■■■■ might have something appropriate which is near by. Same is true for volunteermatch.</p>
<p>I think the best advice is for him to choose activities he is truly passionate about, because that will introduce him to kids with whom he will have something in common.</p>