So, I’ve heard this expression about high school seniors, but has it occurred with anyone’s child as they are getting ready to move out of state as young adults? My oldest is leaving in 3 weeks, and he’s been really mouthy with me this past few weeks. I had to tell him a few minutes ago to knock it off pretty harshly in front of his friends. (Which he did). Not liking him too much right now. I wonder if this is the same sort of thing.
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My rebound kid who is moving out soon has recently been pushing all my buttons and acting very entitled. I hadn’t thought of it as soiling the nest like before college. Thanks for the connection.
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I think it is the same type of thing. As the launch date gets closer the stress level rises and acting out is one reaction to those feelings. Hopefully your son becomes likable again before he leaves!
@rhododendron , yes! DS is acting entitled, too. I’ve never been a mother who puts up with sassiness from my kids, so I probably don’t respond in the best way. He was rude last week, and then I got a text with him apologizing. But he’s at it again.
@psychmomma , you are right, it’s stress coming out. A lot of stuff hitting him at once and it’s becoming real. I also hope things calm down a bit too, before he leaves.
Since only parents are contributing to this so far (I think), I’ll input from a student’s perspective. @conmama is very definitely right regarding the stress coming out. I remember when I had to get so much done before leaving and everything I did was either micromanaged or had those small cynical comments from my mother that I could not stand at all. I had a naturally short temper so with the stress added on it was natural that I would snap and the two of us would argue.
But I think our biggest argument before I left was the most helpful in terms of improving our relationship. When I got to College, we didn’t talk the entire fall semester but when I came home in December, they were elated to see me and surprisingly dear mother stopped with the cynical comments and micromanaging. Again, now that I’m home for the 4th of July, it’s surprisingly quiet.
Just my 2cents as the student in this situation.
Sometimes kids are just bored and will say anything to get a rise out of adults. Other times they’re just stressed.
My mother never said knock it off. But boy, did she have this look that we knew that’s what it meant. Sometimes, when she wanted to have a bit of fun, she’d raise one eyebrow and say, “excuse me?” or something similar like she found us amusing. “I don’t hear that tone of voice. You’ll have to try again” is another favorite. I really wish I could perfect her look. It sure would come in handy.
@MrThatcher , thank you for chiming in. I have to admit I’ve always been a bit of a micromanager and never have had a problem putting in my two cents. But he’s never had any problem “taking” what he needs from us in terms of creature comforts, emotional and financial support. Separation is hard on everyone.
How many here remember the old threads here with discussions about how parents handled the “silent treatment” that some newly launched freshmen (more often the males than the females) did? Parents were worried, sad, frustrated if time went by and they didn’t get a call/email/text form their kid. Usually a message from the parent(s) that the allowance was being cut off until they “phoned home” shook things loose 
Kids transitioning to college is stressful for both the student and the parents . This. is a few years old but an excellent article on “soiling the nest” https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/06/15/the-teenager-with-one-foot-out-the-door/
Sorry you are going through this, @conmama, but you did the right thing- our role as parents is to teach our children appropriate behavior, while of course still understanding the emotions behind it.
@conmama My parents would definitely agree with you. I remember my mom told me the first week I was gone, she was sulking and started to think about how she regretted making those comments and realized that she might have overstepped, etc, etc. But when we discussed the events, we both realized with us being under so much stress, it was bound to happen and it was the fault of no one. However, dad was nonchalant and didn’t take either side (I think he didn’t want to sleep on the couch! lol)
Regardless of emotions disrespect doesn’t fly well with me. It’s like before they leave they test you to assert their own independence. We humans are strange creatures then we have small humans that are stranger ?.
Honestly, since your the adult parent you get to set the rules straight. I would have a short sit down and just discuss the next 3 "weeks and getting things he needs for the move in date. It might just help to let him open up. One thing that was tough for us, now x 2 kids, was just letting them talk. No advice, no wisdom, just listening. I think they don’t know they can do that since we have “been there, done that”. But the problem is they haven’t. For my daughter it’s just going on a long walk with our dog. It can be 45-an hour and for some reason the walk gets her going. Yesterday it was just taking a drive, she let loose on her uncertainty of majors and her future. It was like therapy.
They have mixed emotions right now. It’s a more scary time then we assume it is for them.
Also get ready for the “call” from college. There are different ones but this one is after a few weeks of texting, calling them they actually answer or actually call you. They just go on and on and yes, just want you to listen. Let us know how it goes.
I for one who gets into arguments with my kids when I have to leave them. I don’t think I even consciously do it, but I’ll get into a fight about the smallest thing and then later regret it. I think it is just too painful to leave otherwise.
If they are really leaving my advice is not to sweat the small stuff. They are adults who are highly stressed. I would point out the rudeness and ask for it to stop but I don’t think any “ big” discussions or threats are necessary. It’s a temporary situation so I find it best to treat it as such.
Take it as a compliment, that’s how I spin it. I think we let our stress, anxiety and emotions out on those who love us unconditionally. I can get testy just leaving for a vacation because I get stressed. It’s a new chapter in his life. Not that it excuses the behavior but it helps to understand it.
With only 3 weeks left of togetherness left till he leaves, I think I’ll try to treat this with as much kindness as possible. That doesn’t mean letting him step all over you, but maybe not reacting as strongly or just giving him the eye - or even saying calmly, “that’s hurtful when you talk to me that way” or just reference “you’ll be heading off soon - I really would like to not spend our time at odds.” Chances are the stronger you react, the stronger he’ll react in defense - and because your reaction will cause more stress.
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Yeah, they do. A lot of them soil the nest do that Mama and Papa throw them out. Birds don’t do this just to make them leave as part of growing up. Some of those fledglings start to snap and bite.
I think it was more an issue with S than D in our household. He was very difficult but it turned out fine (different kids & personalities). Knowing others were surviving similar challenges was comforting. I do believe it is nerves, stress, and trying to assert independence while being worried at the same time.