Some anxiety regarding my 18th birthday; Any parental perspective?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Many of you probably remember that my grandfather passed away last November.</p>

<p>I don’t know if I ever mentioned that we shared a birthday (I was born on his 60th). I wasn’t incredibly close with him, but I always thought this was pretty awesome.</p>

<p>I’m already pretty upset because I won’t be home on my birthday for the first time in my life.</p>

<p>Then, talking to my mom the other night, she says, “You should try and call my mom on your birthday. It’ll be a hard day for her.”</p>

<p>I don’t know if I was homesick, hadn’t thought about that part of my b-day, was already sad about not being home, or all three. But I just started sobbing and basically said “Okay, I gotta go mom, I’ll cal you later,” to keep her from hearing me sob.</p>

<p>Of course, being my mom, she knows something is wrong. And she’s very sorry (I wasn’t mad at her, I was just upset).</p>

<p>Any advice on what to do on my birthday (Wednesday of this week) to keep my mind off of things?</p>

<p>I almost feel a little “cheated”…birthdays are a big deal in our family, and it’s my 18th, my entry into adulthood. Am I over thinking things?</p>

<p>As a happy note, my present from my parents arrived today, and I just couldn’t contain myself, so I opened it (with their permission) and found a brand new Nintendo Wii! (Something I was NOT expecting.)</p>

<p>Thank you in advance for any advice.</p>

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<p>My son’s birthday is the same day as his twin’s birthday. His twin died at two days, so of course my son’s birthday is a day of sadness as well as joy for me. Time has eased the pain, but it is always present. But it hasn’t stopped me from celebrating my sons’ lives.</p>

<p>I would suggest that you set aside some time on your joint birthday to celebrate your grandfather’s life–to tell a friend about him or write your grandmother about what he meant to you–AND some time to mourn his death–perhaps to write yourself a note about your sadness or talk to your mother about it.</p>

<p>You will feel sad, but acknowledging your sadness is both an adult activity and perfectly appropriate. Of course you are sad; it’s human to be sad. Memory is one of the things that makes us human.</p>

<p>But once you have felt sad, think about how your grandfather will always be with you, and enjoy your birthday in that spirit, where he IS with you and would enjoy your joint birthday.</p>

<p>And happy birthday!</p>

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<p>HGFM:</p>

<p>Quite a coincidence! But it is appropriate to remember Ecclesiastes.
So call your grandmother on that day. She will want to wish you Happy Birthday, and you will have a chance to reminisce about your grandfather. And then, go with your new college friends to a nice dinner and a birthday cake, and also phone your family. </p>

<p>Have a very Happy Birthday!</p>

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<p>I am sorry that what once was a wonderful coincidence has become a source of sadness. It’s more than just the fact that you share your birthday with your late grandfather, of course. You are also feeling a bit blue because the usual traditions of your birthday have changed. I know that this can be difficult. Unfortunately, this is the beginning of many such changes you will experience in your adult life. Sometimes the changes aren’t too bad (birthdays away from family will eventually be no big deal for you), other times they are hard (like your first Christmas with your spouse’s family rather than with your own family). You just have to learn to roll with the punches.</p>

<p>It’s okay to feel bad about this. It’s not okay, though, to dwell on it. Remember, it’s just a birthday - soon you’ll wish you didn’t have to observe them! The key is handling the change in family traditions. Consider establishing a new birthday tradition that makes you happy. Sometimes doing for others will help you feel better - maybe you could celebrate your own special day by making the day special for someone else.</p>

<p>Make sure you are in touch with your family Wednesday. You deserve to hear how special you are on your special day! Do remember to call your grandma, who will appreciate your thoughtfulness & add to your birthday congratulations. </p>

<p>And don’t forget to drop hints to your new friends about the fact that your birthday is coming up & you’re feeling sad about being away from your family that day. My D’s friends baked her a cake last year - she loved it!</p>

<p>And although it’s a bit early … happy birthday, HGFM!</p>

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<p>You’re in a brand new place, so perhaps you don’t have the set-up yet where you can ask people to celebrate with you.</p>

<p>Can you buy a package of cookies and fruit, and walk around your new dorm to give out some goodies because it’s your birthday?</p>

<p>What I saw from my kids at college was that birthdays cheered everybody up, but all you might realistically expect is a quick smile and happy greeting to you when you give the other folks something. </p>

<p>That’s a long way from having a cake brought your way at the kitchen table, but it’s what you’ve got now. </p>

<p>If it’s very hard for you to do on Wednesday, and depending on your grandma’s rhythms, you might do just as well to phone her around 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday night, to acknowledge the shared birthday the night before. YOu know she’ll be thinking about it as she goes to bed, so that might cheer her up. It also clears it from your calendar, which could be helpful to your spirits on Wednesday not to have it hanging over your head.</p>

<p>Also since it was your mom who reminded you to make the phone call, she might herself be needing a little acknowledgement, as she probably mourns the loss of her Dad that day. </p>

<p>But beyond that, as you walk around, just think how glad your grandfather would be to see you where you are today. College, and being l8, means you’re moving forward. I’m sure he’d feel proud of you. Try not to be afraid of sad feelings.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your comfort and support. :)</p>

<p>I was thinking just now about writing my grandmother an email instead of calling (yes, she frequently does email :)). I don’t know that emotionally I can handle talking on the phone, but email would be wonderful to me…to be able to get it all out and in writing. And this way I can share with her some of my favorite stories about spending time with my grandfather while at the same time preserving them for myself. What do you all think? Is email too cold?</p>

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<p>Do both sweetie. Send the email – and then call.</p>

<p>When you say you don’t know if you can emotionally handle the call – does that mean that you are afraid you’ll cry on the phone? It’s OK to cry.</p>

<p>A short example: my closest friend’s husband died a few years ago. About 8 months after his death – I should mention that he was a very close friend of mine also – I was having lunch with her. She mentioned him, and I just started to sob, in the restaurant. She told me that it helped <em>her</em> so much to know that other people felt the loss of him so strongly.</p>

<p>I hope this helps you. And happy birthday.</p>

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<p>Grace-- there are a lot of online sites that offer free email cards. Maybe you can find one that you like and send one to her! And, maybe your dorm will have some kind of celebration for you. Most kids have their birthdays while they are in school-- law of averages, or something! Happy Birthday, and if it feels a bit sad, remember, it’s really only just a day. You’ll be fine.</p>

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<p>Grace, I agree with cnp55. Write & send your email - then call. It would REALLY mean a lot to your grandmother to call. Please give her that gift.</p>

<p>Don’t worry about crying. It’s okay. Too many people make the mistake of avoiding the subject of loved ones who are gone in order to avoid crying - but in doing so, it can seem like no one cares enough to remember the lost spouse/child - and the remaining spouse/parent feels even lonelier. So, be sure to call. If you have sent the email you describe, you can just tell your grandma that you wanted to be sure to let her know how much you also miss your grandpa. You probably won’t have to say any more than that, if you follow it up by telling her you love her!</p>

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<p>Have a wonderful birthday, dear!
Definitely call, but also see if there is any way that you could get hold of some goodies and make a truly memorable party.</p>

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<p>My kids’ birthdays are both in late September, so once they went away to college, I didn’t get to share that day with them. I did enjoy packing up some gifts for them, and ordering a cake from a bakery in their college town.</p>

<p>As far as feeling a little sad on your birthday, HisGrace, I have found an unfailing method of cheering myself up: doing something for someone else. You have a built-in opportunity: calling your grandmother. It will make her day, if not her week! She knows how busy you are, and will so appreciate you taking time to talk with her.</p>

<p>Good luck on your birthday. I have a feeling it will be a pleasant one for you.</p>

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<p>As a happy note, my roommates have decided to make me dinner tomorrow night :)</p>

<p>Either that, or my mom offered to pay for us all to go out to dinner. </p>

<p>And I just got an E-mail from CC wishing me a Happy Birthday. :)</p>

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<p>Happy b-day!!!</p>

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<p>Happy Birthday HGFM!!</p>

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<p>Happy Birthday… it’s now officially midnight in California, right?</p>

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<p>Happy Birthday Grace! It’s also my brother’s birthday and my SIL’s birthday. September 10 is a good day for a birthday.</p>

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<p>Happy Birthday!</p>

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<p>Have a great birthday!</p>

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<p>Happy birthday! My younger D also shared a birthday with my dad, who passed away four years ago. That will always be special for you.<br>
Have fun with your friends!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the good wishes! :)</p>