<p>But if John Sayles does instead, can David Strathairn play my H? :)</p>
<p>I decided to have the Thanksgiving family fight before Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>My mother as perhaps I have posted before- seems to have IMO Dependent personality disorder. She has told me things that weren’t true, has given over all control of her finances to my brother in law, and to continue her pattern in my childhood, prefers to consider me the problem, when after several questionable decisions by brotherinlaw/mother, I asked how much that cost her from her savings and she didn’t know.</p>
<p>Im not sure why I try and persist in expecting her to behave “normally”, to someday remember events in my childhood or even last year that went opposite to how she claims. ( although usually she just says she doesn’t remember)</p>
<p>I feel like because she is bascially my only remaining blood relative besides my children ( I don’t communicate with either my brother or sister), I “should” maintain some sort of contact with her- but every time I bend to her wishes and have her over for dinner, it stresses me out for days.
I really do not want to change my behavior to what she would find acceptable, and I think it would be destructive to do so.</p>
<p>I do realize that if I had other relatives that her effect would be diluted somewhat- but I was wondering- what do other people do around the holidays? We don’t see relatives more than a couple times a year, on either side of the family- and that works out well for us considering.</p>
<p>But how do other families get through dinners where you know that certain combinations of people/drink/ expectations, are going to be volatile?
Do you just smile and nod- or ignore them? I find that I am less likely to put up with certain behavior than I used to be. Socializing is also stressful even with people I like- so the “holidays” can be grueling.</p>
<p>Suggestions?</p>
<p>Besides starting the day with an extra shot in your eggnog. ;)</p>
<p>Sigh. I have no advice. Holidays can be tough. They probably are for your mom too. My parents are getting elderly, but, in spite of the usual ups and downs, I value what time I have left with them. Overall our family does well together - we all try to be sensitive to the one politically conservative member, a brother-in-law whom we love dearly, but I do feel bad for him sometimes mixed in with my, ahem, rather large liberal and outspoken family. We really do try to shut up but sometimes we forget. :(</p>
<p>I have a sister who is a relationship toxic waste site. Everyone else in the family tried to work around her in the hope that she would one day behave like a civilized human being. This year over the period of a couple of months, she did the most spectacularly awful series of things. I ended my relationship with her (which was tough because she is much older and practically raised me), then my mother ended up doing the same. The tipping point was when my husband sat me down, looked me in the eye and said “you can swallow this and move on, but there will ALWAYS be a next thing and a next, there will never be a peaceful relationship with that woman because you’re working from the assumption that you love each other and the details can be fixed. She does not love you, she hates you and everyone can see that.” It was such a simple thing, but so profound as to be freeing. I finally truly internalized that there is nothing I can do to make the relationship work and that there is nothing positive between us to offset the negative. So we will not speak again. My mother came to the same conclusion somewhat later, but it was agonizing for her after having lost a daughter years ago. I guess all you can really do is make the best life you can. You will never get the answers and resolution that you need, so perhaps some distance would give you some peace. I hope you find a way to resolve this in a way that you can live with.</p>
<p>It sure helps to have others who agree about the troublemaker, then every one can ignore the offensive behavior and give each other knowing looks, then joke about it later. That’s about as good as it gets for us, other than the fact I try to keep my kids away from that person, we have not elected to make a stand and point out the issues and the person is 80+ and will never change and the nearest family members want to stay in contact for whatever reasons, so we are polite, but try to avoid allowing our hot buttons to be pushed.</p>
<p>This guy is so manipulative he can easily hit every one’s hot butten and profess complete ignorance of why any one is upset- so our big thing is not giving him the emotional power to affect us that way/ we are kind and civil and even caring, but remind ourselves we CANNOT care what he thinks or says.</p>
<p>Sad to say, my mother passed away this year, and for the first time in my adult life I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving Day with my dad and the rest of my family. I understand what you are going through.</p>
<p>Is there something that might distract your mother’s attention away from you? For example, I have encountered situations where several men were visiting and some of them didn’t get along. Placing them in front of a TV with a good football game distracted them from their differances. Do you have videos of recent performances of grandchildren? Another possibility might be to ask your mother to cook something for the gathering and then you spend all of your time telling her how good it was (even if it was horrible). That way she is the center of attention.</p>
<p>There are usually some ways to distract just about anyone. I dont’ know what would work for you, but it is just a thought.</p>
<p>My BIL has issues with my other BIL, who is not in our area</p>
<p>EVERYTIME we get together the local BIL makes little snide comments, tries to get people riled up, etc.</p>
<p>I just say, STOP IT…and change the subject…I will no longer put up with the hate spewed, undeservingly btw, and have put my foot down</p>
<p>If the BIL gets mad, I don’t care anymore, but I won’t be party to the feeding frenzy that occurs, fortuneately, my nieces support me in my stand…</p>
<p>So if anyone decides to say something snotty tomorrow, I will call them on it…its not cute or clever anymore, its hurtful</p>
<p>EK- all you can do is know the day will end…and I do think if you stand up and speak out, if there are uncomfortable moments, you will feel better down the rode and will be setting an example for your kids…</p>
<p>I would pull mom aside and say that you want this to be a plesent day, and if its gets unplesant, it will be the LAST family get together like this one</p>
<p>Thanks to all for sharing the stories and good wishes.
We ended up having a quiet Thanksgiving at the zoo ( not a metaphor)
with the girls. ( my mother decided to go to my brothers house-whew!)
D#1 is on the couch reading and D#2 is in her room asleep ( she is getting over a bad cold).
H ate too much to move & I rented a comedy ( Animal House) so I can stop thinking about my school work for a while.</p>
