My daughter just called and announced to us she is engaged. We will be meeting them this evening and I am pondering these matters :
Should I say welcome to the family to the fiance ? Or that is more appropriate for a SIL ?
We are going to have dinner together tonight, not celebratory, it is just that she is coming home this evening to pick up some of her mail and I asked if they will join us for dinner. Should I buy something for them as a gesture of celebration ? If I do, what is appropriate ? They seem very casual about it.
We were always addressed as Mr and Mrs X.. Should that address change ? As in calling us by our first names ? Or ??? I think it would be appropriate to just still address the fiance by his first name, as before.
Anything else I have to change because of this change in the relationship ? Or anything I should do ? I feel at a loss because she is the first child in this generation in our family going through this milestone.
I don’t have a lot of time as we are going away next Tuesday for 3 weeks and when we get back our daughter will be on a business trip for two. We won’t see them again till sometime late November.
Background: They had been going out for 6 years, since their college days. They pursued grad school, professional training and had moved in together twice; (she moved back home when he went back to school in another town). They are currently living together.
We had hoped they would get married as the next step, not engaged. I think my daughter expected the same but they had a big fight about it so… I thought it made more sense for them to be married since the now fiance is planning to leave to Europe next May to pursue a great career opportunity and my daughter plans to follow him, probably to the detriment of her own professional career. For that kind of sacrifice as her parent I really would want to see commitment from the then boyfriend.
We have met his parents twice and have a polite and cordial relationship. We have a cordial and polite but not close relationship with the fiance.
‘We had hoped they would get married as the next step, not engaged’
Munchkin, no disrespect intended, but isn’t an engagement the wedding planning stage, with or without a ring?
So unless the wedding takes place without any forethought regarding place and time, there will be an engagement.
As for me, I treat my (presumed) future son-in-law the same as I treat my actual SIL/DIL, as part of the fabric of our family. I would see no need to change any of my behavior as a result of the couple’s decision to formalize their established relationship.
Of course you should say “welcome to the family!” Why would you not say that? He is going to be part of your family. I would let him decide what to call you but personally, I would hate for my d’s fiancé and eventually her husband to call us Mr/Mrs. because I feel that we are family. Or are you talking about his parents? If so, I would think they would be on a first name basis with you. As for the dinner, order champagne or wine and toast the couple. Relax- this is good news and congratulations to all!
And yes, engagement comes before a wedding- even if it is a short period.
I would definitely make tonight’s dinner celebratory! Why not - it’s a major, happy milestone! Do you know if there are any plans regarding a wedding, as in, do they want a big traditional one or just go to the courthouse? It will be easy to find out some of that tonight at dinner.
I’m a little confused about your questions regarding what to call the fiance now. What other option is there besides his first name? As for what he calls you, you can broach that tonight or see how things develop organically, but I do think it would be odd to continue to call you Mrs Smith. In our family, people call their in-laws by their first names or some use “Mom” and “Dad”.
Two things strike me from your post, OP. I get the sense that you don’t much care for the young man and that you’re WAY over-thinking the whole “etiquette” thing.
Your D is engaged. As mominva says, there is commitment to be married. That’s commitment. I’m not sure why you don’t think it is. As for what everyone should call each other, decide what you want him to call you and tell him. Some of my BIL’s called my mom “Mrs. S.” while my ex called her by her first name. She didn’t care-she treated everyone with love and respect. To her, they were just more people to enjoy. And, if you’ve been calling him by his first name, what else would you call him?
You ask if you should give them a gift or do something celebratory. I guess if you don’t see it as worth celebrating, that’s your answer right there. Me? I’d be celebrating a happy milestone for my kid. I don’t think there are rules about what one gives, but a nice gesture of welcome to the family or happy new life seems in order. They’re casual about it as many young people are today. That doesn’t means they’re not happy and want to share that.
I hope I’m wrong and that you really ARE happy for them. I hope that when/if any of my kids get engaged I’ll be the kind of MIL my mother was. Even the guys that are divorced from my sisters and I still later recall my mother fondly years later.
munchkin, are you perhaps not from a Western country? Your post reads to me like an immigrant from a country where engagements weren’t common (ie one where there’s arranged marriages).
Whether or not you want to celebrate is up to you. Personally, I think a warm “welcome to the family” would be appropriate but that’s up to you.
The name thing is also up to you but I’d personally feel weird calling my in-laws Mr & Mrs X.
If seems he has been part of your family or at least your D’s life for many years. What feels comfortable?! There are no rules of course, but the hope in my mind is that this would always be a moment to celebrate! You know the two of them. If they aren’t the type to want balloons, streamers and fireworks (being sarcastic to a point!) then a special bottle of wine at dinner, or dessert on your tab at the end of the meal or a bouquet of flowers for D when they arrive at your house.
Please do what feels natural and don’t worry about “requirements”.
My husband called my dad, “Dr. —” for a long time, because Dad was his supervising professor in graduate school. He finally started using Dad’s first name, which is the same as his own. It gets confusing sometimes.
My S is engaged but long before that I told his GF that she should call me “abasket” and now “Mrs. Abasket” - same for my spouse! If she hesitated I’d give her a look (in jest!) so she knew it was perfectly what we wanted. We have a close relationship with her and no formality is needed!!
Your daughter and her fiance may be low-key about the engagement – but it still calls for a celebration. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, but I’d get a bottle of champagne for a toast before dinner, even if the dinner itself is casual and low-key. And congratulations!
^^^ I differ there. I would not be upset if a SIL/DIL did that, but if they have parents of their own alive, then I would not really be expecting or maybe even comfortable with that - in respect for the other set of parents. That’s me.
Dr Google, I sincerely hope that was said in jest.
I call more than one person mom and dad because they were part of my raising. My in-laws are not on this list and I’d be quite upset if they insisted on me calling them anything let alone a term so deeply connected to childhood experiences.
@munchkin, personally I would stick to being warm and welcoming, and getting a bottle of champagne–or prosecco if your family prefers it–for a congratulatory toast at dinner. That will tell your future SIL that he is welcome. It is not necessary to make pronouncements if you aren’t comfortable with them.
On the “what to call me” thing, I’d let it continue as it is for now. Eventually you could ask him to call you by your first names, or whatever feels comfortable.
I think you can ask them if they have had any thoughts about the where and when of the wedding, but don’t give them the third degree on the subject.
I wonder what the big fight was over the marriage/engagement issue? Did one of them reluctantly agree to get engaged “for now” without being willing to actually set a date?
In any case, I would concentrate on warm, welcoming, and sufficiently celebratory to make them feel positive about your reception of the news without making them feel pressured.
^^^Yes, no need for “big changes” tonight! Just celebrate the announcement - with time some of the other things like name calling and wedding plans can fall into place.
I think the OP is saying they had hoped for marriage before living together, so that is still sticking in the OP’s craw a bit. You don’t need to be formal, but I’d say a toast sounds like a great idea. Regarding 1st names, seems fine to me, but make sure your spouse is on the same page ahead of time.
i know some people get weird about their kids calling other people “mom” or “dad”. My mother called HER mother, “Mother” and her father “Daddy”. She called her in-laws “Mom and Dad”, so that solved her problem. My father called his MIL “Ma” and his FIL “Dad”. His own father was deceased. The married young people in my extended family call their in-laws by first name, but we’re all more like one big family, with in-laws of in-laws all coming together for any event. My mom would have fit right in.
Thank you for everybody’s input. I was busy unpacking from a trip from Chicago and packing for the long trip coming up on Tuesday and just went away for a while. I didn’t know if I should make a big deal out of the daughter’s announcement since she was so casual about it over the phone. I do want to celebrate but it will have to be in November when we all get back together.
We simply do not have time this evening to do anything except to go for dinner. If she doesn’t have to come home to pick up something I doubt if we will even see her at all till November, we will fly out Tuesday and she go on a work trip tomorrow.
A clarification - we didn’t expect the d to get married before moving out, but we thought after going out for 6 years or so and moving in together twice, both of them should have a very good idea if they are going to have a future together so I don’t get the point of an engagement. The d had said they didn’t want an elaborate wedding, just cityhall and perhaps immediate family getting together so I didn’t think they needed an engagement period to plan. His brother had a lavish wedding celebration with 3 different ceremonies and I think it scared both the d and fiance.
To answer a comment, we are ethnic Chinese and fiance is ethnic Persian (Zoroastrian to be exact). I am not too familiar with fiance’s culture or religion. A very good friend (Jewish if it matters) was engaged was simply a delaying tactic on the man’s part. After waiting around for 7 years she broke up and found being older is harder to find someone and she gave up hope of ever having her own children. I don’t necessary think that of the fiance.
My parents-in-law have this policy (wrong word) for all of their children-in-law (big family). I can’t bring myself to do it, and so I just end up using a lot of second-person pronouns around them.
