Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>That is about all I know about weddings.
I did plan my own traditional in that my grandfather gave me away & I wore a long dress, but casual wedding, ( it was outside & I was barefoot, in 3 months- ( yes, I was pregnant, but we lost the baby 3 days after the wedding) which I think is amazing since I didn’t know anything about it & we didn’t have any money, but there are things that I think would have made it a lot nicer, but at the time it didn’t occur to me.</p>

<p>I offered to help D with whatever she wanted to have me do, when I noticed a twitter post about how stressed she was, but I also feel very awkward.</p>

<p>I know there are several young people on CC, who are getting married soon & Im wondering how much their families are helping them & what their expectations are around that.</p>

<p>D & her bf are getting married in five months, ( in her state)I know that there will be lots of friends present & that the grooms immediate family (sibs & spouses & parents) will be flying from the east coast. I am not sure where they are getting married or how big the actual ceremony will be. ( they will be here at least one week, if not two)
I don’t know what to offer to do ( host everyone for brunch?), or just wait till she asks me to do something.</p>

<p>I’ve waited for her to ask me for help for the last decade and that hadn’t gone so well, so my thought is she wants something else from me- but I’m not good at guessing what.
My youngest tells me she wants me to do more stuff that moms do, but I don’t know what that means!
I think she has the mindset of " if I have to tell you, you don’t really love me", so I come to CC for advice on being a MOB.
Also advice needed on how to welcome grooms family.( or how much of that is my place)
They are from the south & while I don’t think they are as formal as my great aunt in Dallas who wore furs to the grocery store but I want them to feel comfortable, even though they may have heard all kinds of horror stories about me.</p>

2

<p>I would start by having a conversation with your D about the wedding. Let her know you are excited for her and that you would love to know all the “details” about the wedding….where, when, how, etc. Most brides that I have ever known are really excited about their weddings and love talking about them. Particularly with their moms. Then let her know you would like to be involved! I imagine she will let you know how…</p>

<p>My D is getting married in just under two months, but it will be here in our town, and our situation sounds much more “traditional” than yours in that her dad and I are hosting the event and paying for it. Our D and her fianc</p>

3

<p>Yes, let the bride, your DD, let you know what she want you to do. A lot of times it comes down to writing the checks for some things. And you can offer to provide here with the old, new, borrowed and blue, as well.</p>

4

<p>One reason why I feel uncomfortable, is because a yr ago, D asked me not to contact or call her anymore, because it was upsetting to her. ( I had been asking her why she was so anxious when I saw her at Xmas in 2012).
She still talked to her dad, but did not contact me and refused any contact from me until very recently when she told her father she was going to call me and tell me of her upcoming wedding.
I asked her at that time if I could call her and she said she would let me know.
I don’t know if she wants me in her life as a mom or to do errands.</p>

5

<p>EK, since it seems your relationship with your D has been awkward, ( despite your attempts to change things) she may not react well to being pressed for details. One possibility is to ask an open ended question like “is there anything I can do to help”? and see what she says. Consider that she may not accept your offer, but if you don’t react to that and stay calm, she may open up in the future.</p>

<p>Where will the groom’s family be staying? If they are staying in a hotel, you can make or send a welcome basket with snacks, fruit, water bottles that they might enjoy after travelling. Guests appreciate a snack if they wake up hungry and are in a hotel. Many hotels have a hospitality suite that sometimes families rent out for a nominal charge and stock with drinks and snacks so guests can get together during their stay. Brunch is a nice idea, but see what your daughter has in mind.</p>

<p>Another idea is to help with the favors for the guests. Sometimes they are as simple as wrapping some Hershey’s kisses in gauze and tying with a pretty ribbon, but that can be time consuming, so a bride might appreciate help with those.</p>

<p>It is possible that your D will reject your offers, so stay calm. As much as that hurts, this is where she is at at the moment, and you can’t change her. Regardless, you can send a nice card to the groom’s parents, and without explaining, just say that you are happy for the occasion and are looking forward to meeting them. You can still send a modest gift basket to their hotel. Then just lay low and be pleasant during the wedding. Regardless of what they have been told about you, your behavior speaks for you and if you are gracious and pleasant no matter what, that will leave a good impression. Don’t get into a “her word against yours” discussion and explain yourself-that can backfire. Regardless of any horror stories that may have been told, the more gracious you are, and don’t defend yourself, the less they will seem true to others. Your D may be stressing over how all this will play out- how you will all get along. You can assure her that this is her day, and that you will be supportive</p>

<p>Note: I just cross posted this without realizing your D did not want you to contact her. I would wait to be contacted before making the offer to help with the wedding. I think, in time, you can still send a card/gift basket to the groom’s parents.</p>

6

<p>She does want me to find a block of rooms for the guests, which hopefully won’t be difficult or too expensive.
I’m hoping I can meet with her before the wedding because I am afraid I will not be able to control my emotions knowing that I am persona non grata. I’m not trying to be manipulative in anyway, just realistic.
I may be able to get some meds though to help with that, I certainly don’t want to embarrass her.
Not to mention my in laws will be there and I will not give them the satisfaction of seeing me flustered!</p>

7

<p>Emerald, congratulations on the impending wedding! Take a deep breath, and let it flow. </p>

<p>You have mentioned that your DD does not want you to contact her. So don’t until she contacts you, and let her know at that time that you want to help and to please let you know what she wants. Don’t jump in gangbusters, since the situation is still fragile. Just let her know that you are there and want to help her have her dream wedding. HERs, not yours.</p>

8

<p>I did send her a text yesterday, & she told me she thought her dad had offered to handle the hotel booking.( he told me he had just mentioned the name of the hotel where we usually stay).
I said I would take care of it & she is going to send me an email with particulars.
I will be seeing her before the wedding as she is coming to her sisters graduation which I am very happy about, although she will miss her bf who is receiving his grad degree on the same day.</p>

9

<p>EK, I am glad your D is including you a little. This is a big gesture on her part and an opportunity for you to show her you can be a gracious and calm host- even if you do need to have some medication or a support person to vent to. It would be great if a friend could be “on call” for you to vent to so that you aren’t emotional at the wedding.</p>

<p>If you have a hotel in mind, then great! You can offer to make the welcome bags for guests. They are simple and not too costly. Get some pretty gift bags that will hold a bottle of water for each guest, granola bars, snack bags- like individual pretzel, nuts, cookies and pretty napkins for each guest. Make some of the snacks nut free/gluten free for guests with allergies. Add tissue paper and tie with ribbon. You give these to the front desk to hand out to wedding guests when they check in. You can send or make a special one for the parents of the groom from you with a nice note.</p>

<p>Ask about a hospitality suite. Hotels will sometimes include this in the block or ask a nominal charge to rent it. Guests can have a private place to meet and talk here. You can stock this with sodas, juice, water and snacks. Some families have provided breakfast items in the morning if there isn’t a brunch or free breakfast at the hotel.</p>

<p>These are just some ideas. Seems like your D is opening the door a little. You will naturally feel a bit on thin ice here, so just stay calm. Whatever you do, check with her first so she feels all plans are being made with her. Trust is important here.</p>

<p>Congrats on both events- wedding and graduation. Make them both special events. Even if someone pushes your buttons, focus on staying composed. These are big milestones and naturally emotional, but your goal is to stay calm and let relationships heal if possible.</p>

10

<p>We usually stay at a residence inn that is just a short walk to her place.
In fact we stayed there at thanksgiving in case she wanted to see me.( she didn’t)
I like it, because it is like a good sized studio apt, it even has a fireplace.
His parents are from a different socioeconomic group, but I don’t know if that means they prefer fancy.
I will try to move slower, I just butted in because I saw her getting stressed with planning.</p>

11

<p>

Would your youngest be willing/able to act as an intermediary? Using a go-between is standard operating procedure around here when someone has issues with someone else (and with three girls that happens … kind of a lot). It sounds as if your oldest has shared with her sister that she wants you to be involved. In a perfect world, the oldest would be able to say “I wish you would ___ for the wedding.” But if she can’t, maybe the youngest can tell you specifically what the oldest is thinking.</p>

<p>Your suggestion in the first post of hosting a brunch is a lovely one. Booking the hotel block can also relieve your daughter of a maddening little chore. In my experience, hotel sales managers can be hard to pin down. Wishing you better luck than I’ve had with this - persistence and knowing when to move on to the next option have helped me.</p>

<p>My daughter is planning a wedding for November. She lives to plan and so hasn’t delegated much, but when she does, I know I’d better not mess up. Even families with little conflict get stirred up over weddings (I’ve been told - ours is conflict-ridden :)), so some drama is to be expected and won’t mean it’s a reflection on your relationship with your daughter. Looking forward to hearing more about her wedding.</p>

12

<p>Residence Inn is fine, IMHO. Even if the groom’s parents are able to afford a 4+ star hotel, that doesn’t mean all the guests can. Residence Inn’s can be very nice. They may also include a hospitality suite or meeting area.</p>

<p>Yes, even the most congenial families can have drama. Just keep in mind that it takes 2. You can control your part by not reacting to it.</p>

13

<p>I think you just have to follow your D’s lead. Maybe in her conversations with your H he can glean what it is she wants from you, or your youngest.</p>

<p>I wanted my mom and I to be BFFs while we do this and do all the planning together, which in our conversations before I officially got engaged I got the impression was what we were planning, but it isn’t working out that way. I am doing most of it myself and it is very overwhelming to try to do this alone. But, your D puts you between a rock and a hard place if she told you not to contact her but also is telling her sister she wants you to do more of “what mom’s do.” There may not BE a right answer, your D may be setting you up for failure here-- unintentionally or intentionally. The best you can do is follow her lead and try your best not to get upset in front of her. I think it is okay to put it out there that you are willing to help if she wants to delegate anything to you, then just wait and see what she does.</p>

14

<p>When you book the block of rooms, anticipate and take note of the deadline date on holding rooms at that rate. IME, it’s usually about 3-4 weeks before the event date, and it’s a for-real deadline to the hotel.
After that, they don’t hold the discount rate and can release the rooms to the general public for booking, so it’s important that the groom’s side is aware of this deadline.</p>

<p>A good way to communicate all of that to the groom’s side (or anyone from out-of-town) is to get a stack of cards from the hotel that gives clear instructions on “how to reserve a room on the block” or similar wording. These can go out with the wedding invitations, and answer a lot of questions (deadline, driving directions, room types, etc) so your D or the groom-to-be doesn’t have to keep answering all that.</p>

<p>It’s nice to name the block of rooms with both last names of the couple, for example the “Smyth-Blanchard Wedding Block.” I suppose you could also text and ask your D how she wants you to name the room block. It’s a small thing, of course.</p>

<p>Then, once the groom’s side has been made aware of the deadlines and method to book, really back off and let them handle their own reservations. Some people are chronically late with this stuff (my family travels for every event, and there are always a handful of us that slip the deadline and pay more). That’s their dilemma, and they can either pay the standard rate, or if the hotel fills up, they ask the hotel for another recommendation nearby. NOT your problem, as long as they had good advance info on the right way to do things. </p>

<p>Also, if this wedding is out-of-town for you, are you also thinking of staying in the same hotel? That can be good or not for you; it’s your call, really. </p>

<p>An advantage is that if you want to host a brunch, it can be right in that hotel and you’re on-hand to answer questions. If you decide to host, try to get the brunch date-and-time, “hosted by…” information as its own card in the wedding invitation, or as a separate email to the guest list. That way, people might book flights home in late afternoon rather than early morning, for those that wish to attend the brunch. You can certainly invite your own family to that brunch, no matter where they are staying. </p>

<h2>I enjoy brunches at these out-of-town weekends. Often it’s after the wedding couple has departed for their wedding trip. There’s no dress requirement and as a guest, I just feel happy and relaxed. The wedding is done, there’s no loud music, and I can just pay attention to the adults from the “other side” of the new family. If it’s at the same hotel, they can do their packing-out and paying up with the front desk, fitting in the brunch. For out-of-towners it’s easier than getting to yet another location. Just something to consider. </h2>

15

<p>I agree with Ema that you need to follow your D’s lead. </p>

<p>My mom is out of work right now and has been absolutely phenomenal in helping me. I’m doing a DIY wedding and just about every day I’ll get some sort of idea in my email from her about fun things we can do to make the wedding pretty or an idea for the bridesmaids’ dresses. </p>

<p>Are you and your D in contact yet? If not, going through the younger D might be a safe bet.</p>

16

<p>How about sending you daughter a nice “You’re Engaged!” card with a note inside telling her how excited you are for her and telling her you’d be happy to do anything she’d like you to help her with while she’s planning her wedding? Sometimes writtten communication is easier for both the writer and the recipient.</p>

<p>I’m currently helping step-D2 plan her wedding. We’re having a great time. I hope you get to share in the excitement with your daughter.</p>

17

<p>Wedding planning can be a stressful time, even my low key, mellow DD was a bit…tense. I was careful not to be annoying :wink:
Since you are already doing that, be especially aware that this is probably not the time for a big healing talk session, instead of addressing any issues head on (unless she brings it up) you could view this as a test where you prove to her that you can be relied upon.</p>

<p>It’s difficult not fully knowing or understanding what her frustrations are and what triggers them, but try to let the next few months of planning go her way.</p>

<p>Is she on Pinterest? If so, see if you can be invited to see her boards, this could help you visualize what she is planning/hoping for the wedding.</p>

<p>I would likely ask DH & D2 to help you be all that D1 would want you to be during wedding planning and celebration times. Maybe they would guide you?</p>

18

<p>EK, given what your younger daughter has said, I think the idea of writing a letter is a good one. Tell her that you are very happy for her and want to support her however she likes. Tell her that you are not always very good at reading between the lines and that the rules about what a parents’ role in a wedding is have gotten so confusing that it would help you if she could be very direct about what she expects from you. Tell her you know it’s her wedding and you want to help her to have the wedding she envisions to best of your ability. If there are financial issues let her know now. Tell her if it will be less stressful for her you are happy to have younger daughter or DH be the go-between.</p>

<p>I’m so happy for you that your daughter is making baby steps to being back in touch with you. From what you’ve shared in the past you need to tread very carefully. It’s clear it’s really hard to tell how much she wants from you. I’m not sure she knows herself.</p>

19

<p>I agree with everything mathmom said and the letter she mentions would be perfect. You are already treading on egg shells and your D is giving mixed signals by stating she wants you to do all that moms do whilst at the same time not wanting you to contact her.
My niece was totally in charge of organising her wedding and had very firm ideas about everything…the week before the wedding she became bridezilla because she felt her mom and the immediate family were not doing enough…yet she had very strict control over everything so there was no room for the immediate family to do anything. Some not very good memories will last forever unfortunately.</p>