My son applied for two colleges, one local and one out of town.
When the deadlines approached for the housing options, he decided for the college out of town. I paid for deposit for the apt, orientation fees, and applied for all scholarships for the college out of town. Now that everything is ready for him to attend orientation, he suddenly said he’s not willing to go out of town. He’s suggesting he stays in town, attends the other college which is in town, and for me to rent him his own place. He’s not willing to live in my home! Also, suggesting I continue paying all his own expenses, and paying his car, but just not live at my house.
What do you suggest I do? How do I convince him to continue with his original plans? I’m sure that would be his best option.
If I were the OP, I wouldn’t even pay the local college tuition.
what’s OP? Please reply to this message. I’am desperate seeking a solution? How do I make him understand? How do I handle this situation?
Your in a pickle!
What are the circumstances? Is this just the reaction of “cold feet”?
Tell him since you have money invested in the away college, he needs to go to the orientation and give it a chance, because that’s what he selected in the first place.
Then, after he attends, if he still wants to go to the college near your house, tell him you will pay for the car so he can commute but you won’t pay both tuition and an apartment. It’s ridiculous that he would even expect you to pay for an apartment if he’s attending a CC in his hometown. If it’s independence he wants, he should get a job to pay for his own apartment and you could pay tuition, if you felt so inclined.
I don’t know if you meant your post to sound this way, but it sounds like your son is bossy. When he applied for college, did you have a discussion with him about the financial expectations of his decision and what you expect of him?
No, not at all, he’s not bossy. He’s a very intelligent person, but suddently he’s not making the right decision. He said that he was a afraid of leaving us behind and not see us, but on the other hand he’s contradicting himself but not wanting to live at home. He said that he made that quick decision because me and my husband were pushing him to made a decision, but that’s not true. I was only suggesting him to decide quickly if he wanted to have better housing options, since everything has deadlines. I’am the one that needs to be on top of submitting scholarships, applications to colleges, and checking all his deadlines. Recently, about a month ago, he’s been hanging around with a girl very close. But I dont attribute this decision to that girl. I do pay for his car, but definetely I will take it away if he decides to stay at his local college. What would be some reasons that would help him understand that leaving to the out of town college would be the best?
My concern is that he has other reasons for this change. I agree with UVaHoo87 the post makes him sound maybe spoiled and/or bossy.
I know the state colleges force you to apply for housing early to have a good student life but it may be a little early or quick for a 17-18 year old to be that sure about this decision. That is why I would explore his reason for this change.
How far away is the out of town school? Is it significantly more academic, harder? Has he ever been away for a while, like camp?
Perhaps it’s a fear partly related to academics? Or for the first time being away?
You should tell him that he has to at least attend orientation at the away school. Maybe that will alleviate any fears or enthuse him to go there. Go with him and stay nearby in a hotel (most schools have sessions for parents anyway).
If that doesn’t work, you may have to insist he spend at least a semester at the away school. But before doing that you really need to find out what is behind it. Perhaps when you discuss it, you should tell him how difficult and expensive this choice is for you and you can’t do it unless you have a clear understanding of why.
The away school is about 3.5 hours, and as far as being away for camp, no, he has never been away. What’s getting me confused is that he says that he wants to stay but away from home, on his own. He wants his own independence regardless but in town, and for me to pay for it.
I understand his concern & desire for independence. As the parent of two prior college students, I can tell you that it’s very difficult for a student who comes back home for the summer (or even Winter break) to adjust to the rules and hours of living at home again. Not just my kids, I’ve discussed this with other parents.
Is there a possiblity he wants “independence” but also expects to come home for meals and laundry? Or he’s afraid that 3.5 hours away is too much for him?
Perhaps you might tell him that that if he wants “independence”, he should be really independent, and seek it at the distant college. You might also point out to him that he’ll enjoy it a lot more on campus than in your home town where it’s likely things close earlier, and there won’t be other students around late hours. College campuses are more conducive to late hours and managable independent living. Kids like independence their first year but also like having dining halls to eat at, someone to clean the bathrooms and maybe easy laundry alternatives. Cooking and cleaning are parts of independence most male freshman don’t relish. He’d have to in an apartment. Also tell him that it’s cheaper (and something you can afford) at college but not at home with you having to foot an apartment and food which will cost more than campus board. And then having to add the car insurance and costs puts it over the top for you. BTW, while he’s away at college without a car, you can probably reduce the premium on insurance.
Part of growing up is realizing there are financial ramifications to decisions. It is totally unrealistic for your son to want to go to a community college and have you support him (apartment, food, car). I’m sure his argument is that if he goes away you agree to pay for the car, food, and lodging. AND, you are willing to make that type of financial sacrifice because you feel the education, experience, and opportunities warrant that. UVaHoo87 gave you sound advice. How to convince your son: one of those parenting times when you lay the cards on the table and say it like it is. If you stay locally, you live at home under these guidelines. If you try the out of area college, here are the parameters.
As for you being the parent that has to track deadlines, applications, etc., you are not alone in parenting. I find that boys are particularly comfortable with the mother doing these tasks.
How old is your son? Has he been employed during his high school years? Does he do his own laundry, cook for himself sometimes and does he show responsibility for himself? My son is 18 years old, a graduating senior this year, and he took the initiative to start his own tutoring company when he started his freshman year in high school. He has kept his own company successfully operating for the past 4years. When he got his permit, we sat him down and showed him the car insurance papers and how much extra we would have to pay for him to drive the 3rd family car (already paid off/ husband got a new car–long overdue and in the plan). He understood that nothing in life comes free. He has been paying his own car insurance ever since. We have saved this money and we plan to use it to supplement any expenses while he is at college. I talked to him about doing his own laundry once a week and he has been doing it without fuss for the past 2 years. I explained to him that he needed to get used to doing these things on his own…make it a habit to prepare for college life on his own. My son cooks meals for himself when I’m not home. Makes his own lunch on the weekends for the past 2-3 years. Prepares his own breakfast in the morning. He has not been away at camp…ever. The only trip he spent away from us was a trip with a friend and his father last year for a week. I do believe that was a mistake. He would have been better prepared had he gone away to camp at least once. Throughout his high school years, I always thought he would go out of state, up north for school and then, out of no where, he tells me at the end of his Junior year that he doesn’t want to go out of state for college. I was blind-sided. He did have a new girlfriend, like your son, but insists that has nothing to do with it. I believe him. We were taking a walk a few months ago and he started to talk about not being here (in our home town) at this time next year and he got a bit choked up. We’re not a clingy family, but I could sense that he just wasn’t ready to move far away just yet. He then told me that he’s the kind of person that can handle one big life change at a time. He will be away for the first time and in college. He didn’t want to have to deal with an environmental life change (totally different weather scene) as well. His college at the state U (3 hours away) is the perfect distance, he says, and his education through academic scholarships is totally paid for. I wondered when you were talking about funds for college if he applied for any scholarships. It’s a bit late in the game to apply, but there are still some out there. Did you fill out your FAFSA? We did not qualify for a Pell Grant, but his college is paid in full (all expenses, as long as he keeps his GPA > 3.2) all four years because of his academics. My son opened his own checking account when he started his tutoring business, so he understands all about finances and what it is to pay bills. My son had to convince ME that it was the smartest thing for him to do by staying in state, everything paid in full, then go to graduate school at one of the ivy leagues or up north somewhere at the prestigous schools. My friends warned me that it would be a big mistake to try to force him, coax him, to go to a school that I thought was better for him. If he ended up going there just to please me, or shut me up, and hated it, he would blame me. Also, why would I want him to start of a new experience at college without a positive attitude. My son is very excited about going to this state U. He can’t wait to leave and get his life started there. HIS goal was to be debt free after undergrad school and then go on to grad school. He also decided that he did not want a car while at college. He doesn’t want to have to pay the car insurance and realizes he won’t even need it (already talked to some sophomores and juniors there). I wish you all the luck. I know it’s not easy when your teenager is at odds with you, but remember, YOU are the one with the checkbook. Sit down and tell him he has options and that you cannot afford to pay for everything. When I was 18, I moved out of my house because my parents were divorcing. I got an apartment, a full time job, went to college full time, and paid for it with student loans and paid for all my own expenses, including my car and insurance. On the other hand, my husband stayed at home with his parents until he was 27 years old, his father forced him to go to college (he wanted to take some time off from school after high school) and my husband resented him for it. His father paid for his college and he withdrew from classes each year and finally dropped out in his junior year after alot of tuition was already paid …no degree. He continued to live at his parents house for free until he was 27. His mother cooked for him, did his laundry, and his father filed his taxes for him. My son knows all this history. Looked at both his parents and I believe he has a pretty good grasp on what his responsibilities are. He still has a lot to learn, but I’m glad I gave him a hard look at reality. He still says that I sheltered him and I agree that in some respects, I did…overprotective. Times have changed. Entitlement…interesting word for this generation. Sorry this was so long. Good luck.