<p>My younger kid is intense and challenging. But she appreciates our paying full boat (with a new car, insurance and other ridiculous benefits such as beach trips and vacations) for her Ivy League education. She is a great student and intensely competitive who always puts school first above all else (as with my older daughter, a less intense but similarly intelligent version of her sister), so whatever I am doing wrong, something seems to work. </p>
<p>She knows I made it entirely on my own since age 17 with an often absent and ill single mother who didn’t pay the bills, and absolutely knows that a huge, stubborn motivation in my life is to make certain my kids suffer for nothing. In that I have succeeded. </p>
<p>In addition to a steady diet of propaganda my wife has given her about my poverty stricken past, she has read an old (now very old) national sports publication about my athletic exploits which described my performances as being fueled almost entirely by a diet of pancake mix, about all I could afford while in school. Of course, I was embarrassed as heck about it at the time, but it has proven useful. But for ridiculously doting and spoiling parents, she knows she could be in that situation. </p>
<p>Having said this, if I had a son, I could easily see a son (especially if rough edged like me) not expressing any kind of sensitive or emotionally appreciative thought for this kind of support. I would look for what he does rather than what he says. And if shows compassion for less fortunate students, that would mean a lot to me.</p>
<p>thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. I realize that this is a very good group full of wise and sympathetic parents. I will definitely incorporate some of your ideas. I also realize by going through your replies that I did have some unrealistic expectations too.</p>
<p>Talk to him. Share your thoughts, your feelings. Not in a shaming way (not that I think you would, just clarifying) but adult to adult.</p>
<p>We are not a religious family, but from a young age we have shared with our son our firm belief in the words, "For of those to whom much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48) To us, having a roof, food, clothing and people who love you is having much and so the obligation to serve others is set. </p>
<p>For example, while we are understanding and responsive to his needs as part of a military family, we also emphasis that it is an obligation and privledge to serve others. It’s very rewarding to see the quiet pride that has grown in him about having moved so many times, etc. instead of feeling put upon. Our goal is also to have him leave our home knowing that there is no shame in needing help. It’s the flip side of the same coin, the same human experience.</p>
<p>Share with your son what you used to do with your money. Tell him that’s not what you are looking for, but what you are looking for is an increased spirit of generosity in his interactions with his siblings. A spirit of giving gladly, as his parents are gladly giving him the gift of a private college education. Present it as something you would like to see him rise too. He’s got it in him, help him bring it out.</p>
<p>Our son had a moment of insight when he realized that he had spent a week in a cubicle (for quite a good co-op assignment) to pay for one quarter’s worth of books.</p>
<p>^Good advice throughout this thread, obviously noone is saying that you’re raised an ungrateful child or anything like that, the fact that he is working and has maintained the grade to get into an elite college speaks to his work ethinc.
I do have difficulty with the thought that ‘boys will be boys’ and that allows us to excuse them being generally uncommunicative about their appreciation etc. I have two sons and whether it is in their nature or not to outwardly express gratitude, we have expected it all along, from the small things to the big things. Out there in the real world people do expect verbal appreciation for what they have done and our kids had better all get used to it. Being able to say (and mean) “Mom and Dad, I really appreciate all the hard work you’ve done to help me be able to go to XYZ,” is not that different from instinctively saying “Thank you (boss) for the opportunity to work on this project, I look forward to the chance to make us both look good.”
IMHO I would just tell him directly that you expect him to be appreciative, you want to hear it, and surprisingly I think it will make him feel good.</p>
<p>You’re obviously raising a great kid, just a small blip on the road to adulthood…</p>