<p>I am a frequent visitor to this site, and wish to thank everyone for your fine insights over the last couple of years. My cc education was a factor in my oldest child’s acceptance at one of his top choices. Believe it or not, the selective college application process seems simple compared to prom dynamics. His senior prom is three months away. During the last week, my son has become aware of elaborate and completed prom plans initiated by groups of girls: pre-party planned, limo rented, dresses bought, hair and nail appointments booked, large party houses rented for the weekend, etc. Some of the girls do not yet have dates but have everything else lined up. Son does not have a girlfriend at the moment, or a girlfriend prospect. Since he prefers to go with someone he cares about, he recently decided to ask his former girlfriend/close friend this week, but missed out when she was invited by another guy. The custom in our area seems to be groups of friends renting limos for the night, rather than individual couples driving themselves. He has friends in different social groups, but as a peripheral member of the group, is unlikely to be naturally included in those limo groups. It seems to me that he will need to a)organize a limo of friends and try to coordinate compatible dates, b)find a dateless female friend with plans, c)invite his #2 or #3 choice of date first then figure out the rest, or d) invite someone he likes, sit tight, not stress, and buck the trend and go as a couple. He is kicking himself for being so clueless. I assumed he would naturally just make prom plans on his own, so I never really gave it a thought. I assumed the date was the most important thing, but there seem to be many intertwining elements to this type of prom evening. (No wonder the girls set it up in advance.) The dynamics seem beyond my son and I think it’s too embarrassing for him to discuss with friends, many of whom are further along in their planning. It seems to me that he needs to move quickly even though he is not feeling very alpha male at the moment. Without a conversation (with a friend or a parent) to help get things sorted out, I think he will detach and procrastinate which may only make things worse. He is basically starting at square one at what seems to me to be a peak week of wrapping up prom plans at his school; he never really thought about prom in detail before 4 days ago. He is social, bright, serious, athletic, sincere, decent looking, somewhat reserved, and a bit on the quiet side, as well as somewhat lacking in social foresight and strategy. If he is willing to talk to me about it, I’d like to help him develop a couple of options. He needs some ideas to get started and then is capable of organizing much of the rest. Can you see any options here? Any suggestions? Thanks.</p>
<p>I think any of your four options are good choices. At my D’s prom, a group of 14 or so went in a limo together – some went as “couples,” others just as part of the group. One group of kids who didn’t want to spend the money on a limo actually rented a U-Haul truck and went in that! (actually, I doubt that is very safe, so probably not something to recommend)</p>
<p>I would think that if he can do your option (a) – find others who don’t have plans and organize a limo – that would be the most fun for him. And it sounds like he doesn’t need to worry about coordinating compatible dates in that circumstance, if groups of kids just go together (which is an improvement on past practice of only couples going, btw).</p>
<p>Does he actually want to go to prom? I know my son likes to dance, but would have no interest in attending a prom like the one you are describing. If your son just figures he won’t attend, he can relax and sit back. Maybe a girl in his class will invite him. Do girls do that at his school? After all, the girls who have gone to all the trouble of arranging all these trappings need a date to go with them, and your son is not the only boy in his situation. If he gets invited by a girl who comes with trappings, fine, there they are. If he gets invited by a girl w/o trappings, she won’t be expecting the stuff like limo and party house. And he may decide that staying home (or going by himself) is the easiest solution of all. I think that’s what my son would choose.</p>
<p>There’s always the option of going in a car with another male friend (“stag”), just to have fun. People do still do that at most schools.</p>
<p>And I’ll just make the comment that prom stuff appears to me to be a lot like junior high, in that a lot of it seems to be about making the people who aren’t invited feel bad. </p>
<p>Several local schools devote some time in spring PE classes to teaching swing dancing–which makes the whole prom thing more fun for everyone. If your son doesn’t know how to dance, there’s nothing like being a good swing partner who knows how to lead to make a guy in-demand.</p>
<p>I think he should definitely go. And speaking for my hs D, he should do the asking. Just as an example, my D is always disappointed when she isn’t asked by a boy (no BF here) to her school’s semi formals. This inspite of the fact that she goes to an all girls school. Her response is, “well the boys know the dance is coming up, it would be great if someone asked me for once.” He should do whatever pleases him most, get a date and go as a couple, or get a group together and rent a limo, or ask someone from the peripheral limo groups if there’s space for him and a date (if he asks someone). In our area no one rents houses though. Here parent groups (or a couple of families) organize post prom parties that are affordable and alcohol free with lots of activities. This is an effort to cut down on the DUI, car wreck tragedy possibility.</p>
<p>He’s about to go off to college where he’ll have to direct his own social life, so I’d let him figure it out on his own.</p>
<p>S will not go to the prom. He is younger than the senior girls and has two left feet.</p>
<p>I heard a similar story wherein the girls made elaborate plans, found eachother dates (ask so-and-so; she’ll go!) and the boys found themselves involved in very expensive plans that were not what they might have proposed, often because they just didn’t know how to say no. In some cases the girls, who are often more mature, more organized, and have more specific ideas of how they want their prom to be, seem to be “using” the boys, because they need a date to round out their plans. In some cases, finances were an issue, and people (more the parents than the kids) were very resentful of how it all happened.</p>
<p>Please don’t flame me - I know not all prom dates work that way - and I was amazed when I heard about it. But it does happen that way sometimes. </p>
<p>I say let your S decide. If he needs your help, he can ask, and it sounds like you have a few ideas up your sleeve and more suggested here.</p>
<p>OT, a little, but renting houses for the weekend is not an event I’d want my kids involved in, even if they will be flying the coop soon enough…</p>
<p>S did not go to his jr prom which “hurt me more than it hurt him.” Not sure if he will go to sr prom. I wanted to intervene last year, but didn’t. Some girls went on their own, without dates, as you said, and I knew of another guy who wasn’t going, a friend of his, so they could have gone stag but neither wanted to. I made this suggestion but he didn’t take it up and I don’t think he was devastated about not going. This year, he had a girlfriend up until a few weeks ago, so I had high hopes, but…</p>
<p>I agree that you shouldn’t try and manage this for him. But, if he is willing to talk with you about it, your suggestions sound good. Chances are, once he has a date, either she will do all the arranging anyway or he or she can ask a group if they have room or find others not already in a limo. At our hs, kids who go “stag” still join in with some of the pre-prom parties, limos, etc. So he can do that if he wants to.</p>
<p>Thank gdness, we don’t have kids renting “weekend houses.”</p>
<p>I wanted S to be part of this “rite of passage,” as I’m sure you do for your S, but they are beyond the age when we can set up play dates for them, I think. 
So there is not much you can do besides talk with him about it, if he’s willing. My S really wasn’t.</p>
<p>Thank you for the responses. This is such a good range of ideas and comments. Re: the house rental, I had heard of kids going to someone’s vacation house in past years, but this is the first I’d heard of parents renting party houses for the weekend for 30-40 promgoers. Apparently some of the houses come with bouncers as part of the contract, who are on duty at night to help keep things from getting out of control, deal with any problems, and keep the property from being damaged. Apparently each family signs a contract with their child. Since I’m not comfortable with renting a small house for even 8 unsupervised kids, or even leaving my own house for the weekend so that they could stay here, it is hard for me to understand why parents think a party house like this is a great idea. I can totally understand why the kids think it sounds appealing! Elaborate weekend arrangements like these seem beyond the scope of what ordinary mortal senior boys might plan on their own. My son is overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all; just arranging for a pleasant date, tux, and limo seems like a mountain to climb from where he sits today. At this point, he is far from being involved in such a party house plan so I don’t think it will be an issue for us. First things first. And I do expect to hear of prom plans that do not include weekend houses and bouncers.</p>
<p>jmmom: very sweet reply. “Playdates”… I know what you mean and it’s certainly his responsibility to set up his own prom arrangements. He wants to go to his prom, absolutely, in part because of the rite of passage aspect and in part because of the romantic imagery (I think). I am trying not to bring up the subject with him until he approaches me, at least for the next couple of days.</p>
<p>speckled - Thanks, I was afraid that my response might have been cold, when really I wanted to say how much I feel what you feel. Last year, the friend’s mom and I commiserated in our disappointed misery, and this year we are resigned, but hopeful (if we can be both) :rolleyes:</p>
<p>I’m breaking out in a cold sweat as my repressed HS “big dance” memories come flooding back. I somehow got turned down for Homecoming 3 times – by the SAME GIRL. </p>
<p>Anyway, I know it looks ridiculous to us from the outside, but it’s important to him – so if he wants to talk to you about it, I think you have a number of great ideas (excluding the party houses – I don’t care how many safeguards are built in, my answer would be a NO that would make the house shake). I think he’ll be fine. It won’t be the perfect evening that it’s supposed to be, but it’s not the perfect evening for anybody, even those girls who have clearly lost their minds. If I were him, I’d probably just round up a group of similarly dateless guys/girls and go stag – all the fun, none of the pressure.</p>
<p>When I went to my prom, My boyfriend picked me up in his dodge neon, we went to prom,ate, danced, had fun… we stayed till 6 AM, and then we came home. He dropped me off at my house, he went to his house, and we both slept till like 5 PM ;)</p>
<p>My buddy took my prom date home after the after prom. AHHH why does this sight always bring up bad memories .</p>
<p>Elaborate weekend arrangements like these seem beyond the scope of what ordinary mortal senior boys might plan on their own.</p>
<p>haha this is why we let the girls plan it all 
With my prom group, it was just one or two of the girls who decided to get the presidential suite of the St. Regis hotel for a few nights and have the whole group stay there the night of prom. Us guys just went along with it all :p</p>
<p>If your S is open to suggestions, you may want to let him know these insider tidbits gleaned this very evening as D & I cooked dinner:</p>
<p>(1) Just because the girls are all over dresses and limos does not mean they have dates! :)</p>
<p>(2) The girls are just as stressted out about “with whom” as he is. </p>
<p>(3) If he’s wondering who to ask, he should consider that nice, friendly girl who happens to fall into stride with him walking between classes, happens to meet his eye, wave, & come sit nearby during lunch, that one who blushes when he talks, the one who did that class project with him… Yes, THAT girl-- she might really like to go! (& if she says no, ask that OTHER girl ! ;))</p>
<p>(4) In some circles it is still considered to early to ask someone to the prom. Some people are holding out in case they should get a BF between now and then, so they could go with said BF for a more romantic time… Asking a “just friends” date may need to be more like 4-5 weeks out…</p>
<p>(5) He can always ask the friend of his best friend’s GF for a guaranteed good time group… Or ask his best friend’s GF who she suggests…</p>
<p>Ahh prom! Plus ca change…</p>
<p>my daughters prom was very relaxed
they had 18 kids in class- most went with each other- she wasn’t dating anyone so she asked a boy that had been in their class from 6th through 10th grade but when his family was overseas he took time off so he was in 11th. It was nice for him to get to be with his class and they madea really cute couple
All the seniors had prearranged dinner at the columbia tower club- so they all got to check out the helicopter level bathroom with floor lenght window!
I don’t remember what they did after- went to gameworks I think.</p>
<p>I love this board. It’s a brainstorming session from around the globe. And so nice that people are taking the topic to heart. Problem solving, reminiscing, parent and student perspectives. You guys are great!</p>
<p>SBmom: I agree about girls not having dates, and in fact, simply can’t imagine how more than half of the kids would have firm plans at this point though my son is convinced otherwise. I appreciated the comments especially the suggestion to wait until 4-5 weeks before the event to ask “just a friend”. I had been thinking that at this point in the year, if one is not in a relationship, the chances of it falling into place by June were slim. But you got me thinking about the pace of high school life, in which a month of social drama is probably the equivalent of a year or two (or three) of my life. So I guess it’s possible. Somehow with all the hype and build-up before the prom, to also be nurturing a relationship along and trying to get it to the ideal dreamy-stare-into-each-others-eyes-slow-dance level seems like a big challenge. It seems like added pressure. If it happens, great. (I guess my present-day, though much lower pressure, analogy would be trying to time an amaryllis bulb to be in perfect bloom on Christmas day.) The flip side of the bf-gf prom date is trying to keep a relationship going for the sake of prom, even though the magic is no longer there. (Hearing the posting dads tell tales of prom woe brings up my own prom memories.)
One thing I have been telling my son is that even if he had everything totally wrapped up today, “things will shift” between now and June. Plans that seem so enviously fabulous will fall apart, couples will break up, etc. Yesterday’s bright light was a little shift in perspective brought on by an invite to his admitted student’s event and a taste of the school’s '09 discussion board. It represented an exciting glimpse into a whole new world. Much more tangible than the app and adcom world
with which we had become familiar. It doesn’t change his need to deal with his current challenge but it got him to look forward.</p>
<p>Suggestions:</p>
<p>1) Book a limo. It will give him a starting point. You can always cancel it.</p>
<p>2) Tell him to drop the romantic notion of going with someone he ‘cares’ about. Expectation is the kiss of prom death. If you don’t have a steady girl, the best prom date is a girl who is really good friends with tons of other girls. She will be busy with her girlfriends and he won’t have to worry about her.</p>
<p>I took the equivalent of your S to my girl’s school junior dance. I thought he was a geeky, tall, nice guy from grade school days–whose parents were good friends with my parents. My tall classmates thought he was a HUNK. That dance changed his life FOREVER. He went straight into a mad relationship with a gorgeous classmate of mine. He ended up marrying a beautiful french woman he met at Columbia U. He lives in Paris. His parents never got over the impact of that one dance.</p>
<p>So, tell your S to roll the dice!</p>