<p>Hi,
I am wondering if anyone can give me some insight as to what I should do about my son, who is failing a couple of classes second semester freshman year at U Mass. He got a 2.8 first semester, but then told us of some pretty severe psychological problems that he said he’s had most of his life. He was hospitalized over Christmas break, put on medication and said he feels better. He has severe insomnia and medication doesn’t work for that. Because of the insomnia (and laziness,) he has missed a ton of classes second semester. He had to withdraw from one class because he hadn’t attended even one class and is probably failing another.
I’m not sure whether I should have him take 2 online classes to catch up over summer, and I’m not even sure if he should go back to college in the fall. His girlfriend will be a freshman at the same college next year, so I know he wants to keep going. I think they’ll let him back if he gets good grades in the summer classes. I am just worried that he’s going to keep failing and I’m co-signing all of these loans. Any advice?
Worried Mom</p>
<p>I think that he should concentrate on stabilizing his mental and physical health before you take out any more loans and before he digs himself an academic hole that he can’t get out of. If that means sitting out the fall semester, or even a whole year or more, so be it. If taking a course or two while doing so gives him enough structure to help him focus but doesn’t stress him unduly, great, go ahead.</p>
<p>I have friends who incurred $30K+ debt–significant for them–by paying for a floundering son who lost his FA due to poor performance. The kid eventually dropped out, and did not get a degree. He is very bright, but was definitely troubled. He has gotten himself together and is now in an apprenticeship program that bodes well for his future.</p>
<p>It sounds like he is talking to you and willing to work with you, which is excellent. You should both work with the school, too. Most schools these days do not seem to take a punitive stance as long as the kid and family work with them.</p>
<p>Of course there is also the matter of financial aid and insurance coverage to consider…</p>
<p>Whether it’s medical or behavioral (e.g. lazy), sounds like he needs to probably withdraw this semester? I don’t sense that anything will change within the next week or two that will allow him to salvage the semester. </p>
<p>After that, it will be trying to determine what is keeping him from performing academically and whether that can be addressed/fixed or not. What will it take for you to feel comfortable that he is committed to making changes that are clearly needed?</p>
<p>You should probably do a medical/psych withdrawal for this semester. If you can get medical documentation and it sounds like you can, you might get some of your money back.</p>
<p>If he wants to do an on-line class over the summer or attend a local CC, you can see how he is holding up.</p>
<p>Perhaps U Mass is too big for him.</p>
<p>His mental health is more important than being in college for right now. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree he needs to get his medical/psychological conditions in order first before he signs on for another semester. Perhaps he can live at home and take some classes at a local CC while that happens. It also sounds like he should go to the medical clinic at UMASS for eval. As someone else said perhaps he can withdraw and get some money back. It makes no sense for him to continue this semester if he is going to fail. Good luck to your son.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that S is having such troubles. It is also unfortunate that you are just now finding out he’s had “some pretty severe psychological problems that he said he’s had most of his life.”
It is also unfortunate you are just now wondering what to do about his school problems. Often in these forums parents get advice of what to tell young students about parental expectations BEFORE students are sent off to school. As a result, both parties have a clear understanding of expected attendance, gpa, failing classes, parental $ gifts, the possible rewards and the possible consequences, and so on. In this case, the OP doesn’t mention any such conversation. Yank the student now and he will always feel he would have “turned it around” but parent let him down by pulling him too quickly. Don’t yank him now and parent might continue to accrue debt for unsuccessful schooling. It’s a tough spot either way for the student and for the parent.
Since you’ve asked for advice, my feeling is student’s mental health comes first. Whether he attends school this summer, next Fall, next yr, or never- his mental health comes first. But after that, my advice for school is that he needs to know rules on firm, fair and certain expectations for his next semester, and that is likely to be online summer classes. Let him consider that to be his “probation period” to see if he is well enough and doing well enough to continue next fall. If he succeeds, then he must know those same terms are in place for next Fall if he wants to continue school with your $. As a young adult now, he can do as he pleases, but he cannot do as he pleases with your money. If summer doesn’t go well, then his continued schooling is just between him, the school, and his banker, and is no longer your concern.</p>
<p>cmben4,
Let me say, first, that I’m sorry you are going through this with your son. It sounds like it is very painful and lots of hard decisions need to be made.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This comment…it has a tone of blame that I hope was unintended. None of us truly know each others circumstances unless we walk in each others shoes.</p>
<p>^^
Thank you for eloquently saying what I was having trouble putting into words.</p>
<p>May we never know the pain this student and his family are feeling. As parents, we do all we can to plan for the future and be supportive, yet we never really know what is in our child’s hear and mind. My hope is for good health and forward progress for your family. I believe that schools understand how difficult the college transition can be and how underlying emotional issues can complicate the college experience. Best wishes as you move forward in this struggle.</p>
<p>I’d suggest you and/or S talking with the school about what options are currently available, including getting “I” (Incompletes) for courses and withdrawing from those he feels are beyond hope of him catching up. I agree that mental and physical health comes first, but it would be good to speak with the U and find out what can be salvaged before you give up, as they should be able to give you a better idea of current options, given what your S has/has not completed.</p>
<p>I would also ask for psych/medical leave so he can address these issues and not be anxious for him to push on without addressing the problems that have surfaced. The healthcare professionals working with your S & family should be able to help develop a reasonable roadmap.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>The conversation we had with my S, who was borderline ADD and had laziness and maturity problems in hs, was that if he did not apply himself at college (also UMass), he would have to come home and attend community college.</p>
<p>It sounds like your S is floundering second semester (you mention laziness as well as his medical problems), so it sounds to me as if he is in over his head there. I would bring him home and let him attend community college at least for a semester or two until he stabilizes, and then give him another shot at it if you all think it may work better. Good luck.</p>
<p>Yikes for you both!
Your son is dealing with a ton of issues right now. Sometimes (at least in my son’s case) the problems (depression) that he had definitely worsened when he went to college. If I could change anything, I would have listened to my son when he told me he wanted to transfer. He was too far away, school was too rigorous, and he wasn’t mature enough to handle it. My advice: take him out of college. Get his health matters in control. Start again at a smaller school.</p>
<p>I am sorry your son is facing these challenges. I would suggest that he withdraw from all of his classes, with a medical leave which would be a W. With a doctor’s note most colleges will ignore any deadlines. Then, I suggest that he come home, get some therapy, and if he’s interested, take cc classes, get a part time job. When he’s been stable for longer, you can think about future college plans. He might end up going back to his original school, or he might go in a different direction. </p>
<p>You said he was on medication–sometimes it takes a while to get the right dose or the right medication. Adjustments might need to be made.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. This is a tough road to walk.</p>
<p>Then I guess this explanation is for EPTR and PAtoCa, since they agree there was a “tone of blame” in my post 6.
Was it that I used the word “unfortunate”? Does that assess blame? Should I have used fortunate? Lucky? Hardly. Or on the opposite range, did I use shameful? Disgraceful? Certainly not.
Or, was it your interpretation of my phrase about just now hearing about “severe psychological problems”? Those quoted are the Op’s words not mine. It is the OP that indicates the first knowledge of such severe illness occurs the second semester of frosh yr. And there are many possible explanations(without blame) that could explain not seeing a severe psychological illness for 18 or 19 years. Parent could be a step-parent, or an estranged parent, could possibly have an illness of his/her own, or it could even be the student falsely claims of such severe problems, or has at least exaggerated, and they are not truly as severe or not life-long problems as portrayed. I’m sure there are many other explanations that have no blame if a person thought longer, but those are the first few things that come to my mind. It was the other 2 posters that mentioned blame.
And as for being “unfortunate” that it is “just now” being found out about “severe problems all his life”, would those 2 posters disagree with that? Do they think it is fortunate the parent is just now finding out? Wouldn’t it have been more fortunate to have found out sooner? Or wouldn’t it be fortunate to find out they are not as severe as first described? Or didn’t that cross the 2 posters’ minds?</p>
<p>If anyone sensed a “tone” in my writings, then it was in their mind and not in my writing. It was they that brought up blame, not me. What they may have <em>read into</em> my writing is their beliefs, and is not what I said. Why they are defending the Op though no accusations were made is a puzzle to me. Whether I agree or not, they are entitled to their beliefs, and I hope the Op bears no ill will toward them for their interpretation, and their mention of blame.</p>
<p>younghoss…
My dad used to say “the sound makes the music”. It’s not always the words. The tone of your post seemed clinically cold, and not very compassionate, and yes a bit judgmental. </p>
<p>To the OP…best of luck to you as you attempt to help your son. He is fortunate to have you on his side, and hopefully together you can fix his current issues so that he might find success in school and life.</p>
<p>Definitely look at the medical withdrawal deadlines–a semester of all Fs is going to make it hard to transfer back in when he gets his health problems all sorted out and wants to return to school.</p>
<p>I really feel for you about your cosigning of loans…depending on how much in loans we are talking about, it would push me more toward NOT sending him back to college unless and until all of the problems can be worked out so that he’ll be attending classes.</p>
<p>I understand what you are saying, EPTR though I do not fully agree I was too harsh in my first and second post. I welcome you to point out what was too harsh(by pm please). One possibility is that I need to take greater care writing my posts. Another is that people need to use greater care reading them. Even now, Ellenmope and I have different opinions on how much trouble the student is in academically this semester. Her post 15 recommends investigation of a medical withdrawl rather than getting all F’s. I didn’t interpret the OP as saying the student was likely getting all f’s but rather that one class was already withdrawn and another one was “probably failing.” So there is a different interpretation, but just because we aren’t quite in alignment I certainly make no judgment on her motives.
I agree fully that discussing the tone of a post doesn’t help the Op, and if you wish to discuss it further, you may p.m. me. Same for the “harsh” aspect too.</p>
<p>In my opinion, it’s important for your son to be able to identify what his issues are and get some help to get over this hump. He likely will need your support and help to get through all of this. He is facing a number of issues that are likely surprising and disappointing to him.</p>
<p>I agree…check with the school about a medical withdrawal. There is no point in having an unsatisfactory term which can affect everything from his overall GPA to financial aid (if he doesn’t meet SAP…satisfactory academic progress…he is at jeopardy for being ineligible for federally funded aid in future terms). It would be better to use this time to help him get back on his feet. Together, identify a professional who can help your son. You might start with your family physician to rule out any physiological issues that might you might not be aware of. Then go from there.</p>
<p>This is still the same son who left your home at the start of his freshman year with the hopes and dreams of all college freshmen. He CAN regroup from this year and your support and understanding will be a huge help to him. Thank goodness you are there to help.</p>
<p>No pep talk about maturity and responsibility is going to prevent mental illness.</p>
<p>OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know what you are going through - my S withdrew last fall due to depression/autism-related issues. He’s home, on meds, and taking a couple of classes locally that he has permission to transfer the credit for. He’s insisting he will return to school next fall; we’ll see how the local classes go.</p>
<p>Please get your S evaluated, and withdraw on medical leave if failing is likely. Yes, it’s painful to throw that tuition under a bus, but failing is going to affect his future options. Mental illness severe enough to require hospitalization is no joke. Your S’s health should be your first priority.</p>
<p>Those of you with successful, healthy children - count your blessings.</p>
<p>March 22 is the last day for withdrawal at UMass ([UMass</a> Amherst: Office of the University Registrar](<a href=“http://www.umass.edu/registrar/gen_info/academic_calendar.htm]UMass”>Academic Calendar | University Registrar)) so there is still a fair amount of time to do the withdrawal. Medical withdrawal information is at [UMass</a> Amherst: University Health Services Health Withdrawals](<a href=“http://www.umass.edu/uhs/accesstocare/withdrawls/]UMass”>http://www.umass.edu/uhs/accesstocare/withdrawls/) - I’m not familiar with the medical withdrawal - just the usual GPA withdrawal.</p>
<p>Perhaps the winter break was a little short for fixing this problem with medication and that a longer period of time for getting the medication issues resolved, along with some talk therapy would help.</p>