Yes, his counselor says he has put this on himself. He is gifted and has an intense fear of failing and a lot of anxiety surrounding all this. We would like him to apply to our big state school (very competitive) and another state school closer to home where he he could live a home, if he chose. If he is not ready to attend, we will adjust our plans. We are not trying to push him but there is a balance with depression of getting stuck by doing nothing. His counselor is encouraging him to take baby steps. We are very impressed that he has kept up with his grades while going through a very difficult time. He also came to us and said he needed help and asked to see a counselor. We are impressed by his strength in this situation, but I don’t think he sees himself as strong. The good news is the first medicine did seem to help his sleep and lift his mood some. We hope that with some medication adjustments and therapy, he can become stronger and find the path that is right for him.
It’s frightening because we want him to be safe and disheartening because you want him to recover and have a full life, but there are some people who are limited by depression.
I think the important thing is to take it slow and not add pressure of deadlines to the mix. Start with some easy tasks and have him gain self confidence. Personally, I would want my son close if he was going thru this. Meaning, keeping him home with us and having him commute to school so we could keep an eye on him. Large Flagships can get pretty overwhelming for some.
So one of my Ds went through this, right around the same time - junior year. The professional advice we were given was to just lay off on having any interest in her academic performance. If she did well, it had to be for her not for us. If she failed, so what. However, the most important piece of advice we were given was to not display our own anxiety or disappointment. We were told not to catastrophize. She had to know that our love was unconditional, and not dependent on her academic performance or achievement. There were some rough spots, but the therapy really helped her and us. She found a college that was a good match for her - she shunned the most competitive schools despite having the stats for them - because working that intensely was not what she wanted to do for her own self care. She applied and was accepted ED, then worked as hard as SHE wanted to in college, making sure her life had sufficient balance, joining a sorority, joining a service organization, exercising, and, living her life without our interference. We were always there for advice if she needed it but academic discussions were always initiated by her. I did provide some help with course selection and load balancing to help avoid overloading and that included paying for summer courses after freshman year so that she would never have to overload. She graduates in engineering in May and did well enough to be off to grad school in the fall having found some research that really excites her, again at a place that won’t push her beyond her limits. She doesn’t seem at all depressed anymore as far as we can tell, though she does have other serious health issues which are under control. She said that in high school, no matter how well she did and how hard she worked, she always felt like a slacker. In the less competitive college, just below elite, she felt like she understood all the material and was a good student, though sometimes the sorority leadership work took priority over grades. She felt good about the balance. Looking back, I’m so happy that I listened to the professional advice we were given, and listened to my daughter.
The future is uncertain, but she’s in control and she’s in good hands.
-They educated themselves. My mom grew up with two brothers who are very clearly depressed. One is in his 60s and still a miserable human being. The other died when I was young of a drug OD. She knew what the stakes were if I wasn’t treated. My dad, OTOH, knew nothing about it and threw himself into learning about it once I was dx’ed.
-They got me help and worked closely with my doctors to help me with my meds and other treatment. By “they got me help” I mean they were the ones who forced me to go into the hospital when it was clear that I wasn’t responding well and was quite literally wasting away.
-My future was put on hold and the only thing that was important was taking things day by day. They didn’t push me to do things when it was clear I wasn’t ready but they did take advantage of every opportunity that I presented by showing an interest in something.
The big thing was that they didn’t treat my illness like an inconvenience or a hindrance to my future goals. I was sick. Everything else was secondary.
As do I :). I’m very lucky but unfortunately their support comes primarily out of tragedy. My mom’s brother started doing drugs in high school and she recognizes now that he was trying to self-medicate.
I want to second MLH’s recommendation of NAMI. We didn’t know about it back then but I think in retrospect it would’ve been very helpful.
I don’t see anything wrong with gently guiding your son to apply to the local safety school in the fall of senior year. especially if he doesn’t have to write an essay. That way, you have an option if you decide the following fall that he is healthy enough to start college. But, high pressure applications where he needs to take extra subject tests, write essays, etc. you really need to follow his lead.
“Remember that what might not seem like “pressure” to a parent can be crushing to a child dealing with depression or other mental illness.”
This reminded me of something that I was told about depression: Parents should NOT try to be the child’s therapist. Parents should provide a safe and supporting environment for the student. Let the professionals deal with medication and with discussing activities.
Also, as long at the student is in school, this should be enough for him to do in a day, and to do very little for the rest of the day and over the weekend is fine.
Thank you all for your helpful replies. We saw his counselor today and cancelled our visit to flagship university on Thursday. We also opted to increase his medicine. He has done exceedingly well in high school and wants to choose his schedule next year around a favorite honors English teacher that teaches only one block. He said if that keeps him from getting into flagship school, he will go to the very strong school close to home. We have decided a few things, first, we need to support him and not be in conflict with him. We were not trying to be in conflict, we just were trying help him prepare. Second, he needs to choose his schedule for need year and see what consequences there are, if any. He needs to make more decisions that are right for him but not any big ones (college) right now.
I do appreciate your stories and advice. Keep them coming.
My D has struggled with depression. We visited schools but senior year she just could not do any applications. It was too overwhelming for her. There were months when we just let her lay on the sofa all day because it’s all she could do. She didn’t want to be like that, but that is what depression does to you.
Over the last two years she has worked part time jobs and volunteers. She has good days and bad days. She is just completing one class at a local LAC and enjoying it very much but she thinks a full college load would be too much for her to handle. So we will take things very slow. It is not a race.
It took me a LONG time to make peace with the fact that she was not going dorm shopping and not buying college sweatshirts etc. It is what it is.
I appreciate all the support and suggestions but he doesn’t want to “do anything.” We have suggested exercise, he hates it. We would be open to a gap year that involved travel, interest, working, whatever but he wants to “do nothing.” He is angry at us for having him and by choosing to have a child we have forced a life of education/work on him that he didn’t ask for. He is great at physics and believes that we “could be sucked into a black hole at any minute” and life has no purpose. He is also an atheist, so life has no spiritual meaning. His counselor says he is safe, but this is a very difficult situation. I’m just posting this to let you know that this will not be solved with exercise or a simple solution. We truly don’t know if it will be solved.
Someone earlier said, “All kids eventually find their way,” but there are some who don’t. That’s life. @browndeck, I would encourage you again to contact NAMI and attend their Family to Family class ASAP. It will help you deal with your difficult situation and learn how to cope. I believe that this class is so critically important that I have become trained to be an instructor and will teach my first class this fall. If you knew me, you would know this is out of my comfort zone!!
I should make clear that my son is probably much more ill than the OP’s. We now realize that it’s his full time job to stay sane. He’s doing it!! So that qualifies as leading a successful life in his case.
Thank you, MaineLonghorn. This is so hard. We have friends that have pretty much told their kids they have to major in a certain field or go to school in a certain region and their kids comply. We have friends who have kids who are not good students and they are still searching for their best option and my kid hates me for having him. We have a stable home, we have been involved in our church, we have saved for college. I’ve been a SAHM, etc and he hates the life we have given him and no one understands. They think if we had made him go to church or made him do x it would be different.
@browndeck, I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. It’s intensely painful to watch your child struggle. It does sound like your son is deeply depressed. Depression is very hard for family member to witness because one’s instinct is to say “Snap out of it! Get up and DO something!” When the person experiencing the depression is so overwhelmed that every fiber of their body hurts and just getting out of bed can feel like an impossible task.
For some people antidepressants can make a big difference but finding an effective dose can take some time. It’s good you’re working with professionals. Hang on and know we’re here to support you even if there’s nothing we can do to fix your situation.
