This is not a result of anything you have done or have not done. Please understand that and go talk to someone who can give you that message over and over again.
I’ll PM you personal experiences but will just say our family has experienced a situation similar to yours.
in many cases meds work but it takes time- up to a year- to find the right med or mix of meds. Or, it could take weeks if the first one is right. The meds really help and quite quickly. If a med helps, your son should be able to follow whatever plans he had before depression.
If your son is still doing this well in school it may be at great cost. If his depression gets worse, he should have a 504 plan at his high school - with documentation,that allows extensions, excused absences (even for a week), work sent home (even tests can be sent home, notes from class, work materials from class, homework assignments), reduced courseload, permission to leave class etc, He can even go to school part of the day, come home, go back up etc.
If he goes to college, make sure to submit documentation of the illness in order to get certain accommodations, such as single room (or not, whatever helps him), extensions on papers if depressed, reduced course load, excused absences, financial aid to cover extra time as a result of reduced course load etc. You can write a letter yourself and have the psychiatrist sign it! Make sure to get tuition refund insurance.
Depression episodes tend to be self-limiting, which means this may come to a natural end and the tendency will be for you- and him- to think phew, that’s gone! There ARE situational depressions but if this is Major Depressive Disorder he could be suffering from the emergence of a chronic recurring problem (this is the age). If he is medicated, he can prevent further episodes. We have been told the meds can actually heal the brain the same way epilepsy meds do. The natural course if for episodes to become more frequent and more severe and meds can prevent that in many cases.
Doing nothing can be healing. I think of it like touching the bottom of a swimming pool to launch upward. You have to be at the bottom to push against. Perhaps that is fanciful but a period of doing nothing is for some, a good start to recovery.
From there, add a little slowly. I personally feel that physical activity is one of the best ways to start. It releases endorphins if fast and intense, and can calm if slow and gentle. A combination of both is possible. I love martial arts and Tai Chi myself…It’s okay to suggest things but the ideas should ultimately come from him because autonomy is so important for building confidence.
Remember that your relationship and support are key for him, no matter how he acts. Your relationship takes precedence over where he goes to college, or even whether, so take that off the plate of important things right now. It can come later.
8)When our kids are in trouble, we tend to overwhelm them with our concern, with suggestions and directions in our efforts to help. I think it helps to structure these things. I will share one personal detail: I meet with one of my kids once a week, without fail. This means I no longer nag, call with worries or overwhelm, and in turn, because it is regular and not intrusive, I hear a lot more about what is going on. So maybe you could talk with your son over brunch every Sunday- take him out even- and discuss whatever needs to be discussed then.
This WILL improve. Your son WILL continue on his life. We can give you specific ideas (I mentioned National Outdoor Leadership School which helped another young man I know w/depression) but no matter what, there WILL be progress. if you have faith, it will carry over to your son.
You are doing all the right things. You are a great parent. He is a great kid. This is an illness and it can be treated. He can have a normal life, but will need to always keep concern about depression on the back burner. Good luck!
I may be a dissenting opinion here, I grew up with a sister who was bipolar and suffered serious bouts of depression. She always functioned best when she was busy and engaged. Doing nothing could be terrible for your son. If he can find a fit he likes in a college, even if it’s not the most prestigious, he could become interested and engaged, just like he is for that favorite English teacher. I would work with the therapist, try to gently guide and hope your son takes the reigns.
Major depression and bipolar disorder are both brain-based illnesses, and while all forms of bp involve depression, it is a little different in terms of treatments and strategies.
I just want to add that for some reason I missed this post from browndeck:
"I appreciate all the support and suggestions but he doesn’t want to “do anything.” We have suggested exercise, he hates it. We would be open to a gap year that involved travel, interest, working, whatever but he wants to “do nothing.” He is angry at us for having him and by choosing to have a child we have forced a life of education/work on him that he didn’t ask for. He is great at physics and believes that we “could be sucked into a black hole at any minute” and life has no purpose. He is also an atheist, so life has no spiritual meaning. His counselor says he is safe, but this is a very difficult situation. I’m just posting this to let you know that this will not be solved with exercise or a simple solution. We truly don’t know if it will be solved. "
I think these quotes from the son show a possibility that something else is going on besides depression. Thought disorders can certainly result from depression but the anger that you had him, and the statement about black holes, concern me. I think he needs a really good diagnostician.
As for exercise, it cannot cure of course, but it truly can help get the juices flowing when they have stopped. I prefer Tai Chi or yoga or dance to the gym, but that’s me. If you read Zelda Fitzgerald’s account of her treatment in the 1920’s, Austin Riggs had her walk 20 miles/ day!
The paragraph above shows your son is in a serious condition. How is he even doing school? I would be on the watch for this to develop into more disorder or even suicidality. That is harsh, but if those are his sentiments, it really is troubling. That said, many of us have had kids expressing similar things and they are thriving today.
That’s is what he says at his lowest point and then will have days of a better view in between. He has had some suicide ideation but his counselor doesn’t feel like he is a risk at this time. My own counselor has said many people have suicidal thoughts.
He is doing very well in school and is looking forward to being done with AP testing. He has late arrival three days this week, so this will be an easy week.
We increased his dose of medicine (small increase) last week. I know it takes several weeks to work but I’m wondering if that has him a little agitated.
Thank you to all of you for listening. I feel very isolated.
And, Compmom, I would love PMs with some more personal stories.
It’s very hard to see other families looking like they’re cruising through the adolescent years with no problems, while your family is struggling. I know you know this, but nobody knows when difficult times will come or what form they will take. Those apparently obedient, well-adjusted kids may crash and burn once in college, especially if their parents forced them to go somewhere they didn’t really want to go to. Or maybe the kids were actually fine with going where their parents wanted them to go – maybe it just worked out that they both agreed – but they could still get hit with depression once in college. You can’t predict these things.
It’s especially hard to be the parent of a kid whose depression takes the form of being angry and refusing all suggestions. It would definitely be easier if your kid was just sad and listless, but was still affectionate towards you. It’s very hard to help someone who seems to hate you just for being there.
You really should try going to counseling yourself – especially if all your friends are saying unhelpful things like “if you had made him go to church it would be different!” You really don’t need to hear that nonsense right now. And it also doesn’t help to list off all the things you’ve done “right,” because there never was a guarantee that doing all those things was going to prevent bad things from happening. Life doesn’t work like that. Deserving, hard-working people get cancer, lose their jobs, get killed in car crashes, etc. all the time, and none of their good choices protected them against it.
You are doing exactly the right thing here. It’s good that he knows what he wants for next year and is making plans rather than just going through the motions. Anything that keeps him looking towards the future and trying to improve his life is good right now.
bowndeck didn’t mean to overreact to his lowest moments! I understand…It is remarkable that he continues to do hiw work and do well. I don’t know how he is doing it but to me it justifies a good deal of optimism for the future. I am not saying that his continued work makes his depression less severe than someone who cannot get out of bed: it’s not that simple. But clearly he has some inner strength in there, and some stamina.
Compmom, I like all of your advice, but my favorite is this part:
“8)When our kids are in trouble, we tend to overwhelm them with our concern, with suggestions and directions in our efforts to help. I think it helps to structure these things. I will share one personal detail: I meet with one of my kids once a week, without fail. This means I no longer nag, call with worries or overwhelm, and in turn, because it is regular and not intrusive, I hear a lot more about what is going on. So maybe you could talk with your son over brunch every Sunday- take him out even- and discuss whatever needs to be discussed then.”
2 of my dds have some anxiety/ depression, and it is so hard to hold back from discussing it all the time. This is a great strategy that I will use.
Sometimes I post here at the lowest points bc I need an outlet. He came down this morning discussing rides for this week and and we talked about rides for AP testing (not studying, not how he will do). I have a little part time job and have taken that day off to shuttle him to different locations, as needed. He can’t drive and park at the hs bc they ran out of parking permits. He did say all the AP work (3 classes) is taking all of his mental energy last night. He also said he will drive to exams if parking works out. I told him I made that week flexible and we will figure it out. He’s okay day to day but super negative and almost paralyzed about the future.
I have a counselor and texted with her today. He said he does not need to be hospitalized but he probably perceives my interest as pressure. (Compmom for the win!) She suggested that most communication come from my husband for a while.
I have been amazed at the results of this strategy, and the trust that has been built up mutually, since I started our weekly meal out. Perhaps you could tell your son you will not initiate any discussions, that he is in charge of communication except for emergencies, but that you would like to have coffee/meal/brunch with him once a week at his designated day and time, and for the length of time that works for him. Going for a drive works too. Or something equivalent. (Also I do a lot of Tai Chi!!!)
“We have suggested exercise, he hates it.” - Yea, that can be a challenge. But do try hard to find enjoyable outlets with exercise (running? tennis? laser tag? mowing for pocket money? dance? bicycling? ultimate frisbee? swimming? SOMETHING). There is no guarantee it will help, but it might… and can’t hurt.
I have a kid (probably unusual case) that would not follow pediatrician’s advise for exercise for depression (and also related anxiety)… I would do anything to go back in time to find a more creative way to encourage exercise. There were 4 years of therapy / meds (in many variations) …none of it helped and sometimes made things worse (that part was unusual - from everything I read, meds usually help.) . There were actually 2 failed attempts at college, with a year of Walmart job and then a successful summer session in between. In the end, it seems it seem the improvements were mostly based on changed major (passionate topic), Time (extra maturity, including hard earned wisdom of how tough it would be to be self-supporting on minimum wage), and Exercise (avid runner now,also likes biking). College was a long an winding road with a happy ending. But looking back, I’m sorry I didn’t correlate the start of issues to the stop of sports/soccer.
I remember my D saying at her lowest pints very similar things. “I didn’t ask to be born so why do I have to go to school/ get a job/keep living?”
It was very scary but I also think it was her way of communicating how distressed she was. In her better moments she gets pleasure out of many things, but a hallmark of depression is finding no pleasure anywhere.
What meds is he on, if you want to share or PM. My D was on an SSRI and when the doc added something to it 24 hours later she came down and said she felt more human. “Mom I didn’t want to lay in bed all day but I could not get out!” It broke my heart that we had not tried this Rx sooner.
Someone else said much depression is self limiting. And D did have the fog lift a bit ago. Which is wonderful but also terrifying because that makes me think it can come back. But while she is feeling good we are working on good habits and coping skills.
She also has BPD. You might want to see if that Dx sounds at all like your son.
I agree that we can’t be sure in the middle of these events how they will come out. However, my recollection is that you only increased his medication a few days ago. It takes a while to take effect. If the first set of medicines are not quite right then the doctor’s might want to consider other medicines. Depression is an issue that can’t be solved quickly but there are still a lot of other options that could be tried if needed. It is probably good that summer is coming up soon so that you will have a low-stress opportunity to see if you can get this settled before school starts in September. In any case life is not a race.
To me your reports look hopeful, and somewhat better than the early stages of some other cases that I have seen come out very well over time.
“He is doing very well in school and is looking forward to being done with AP testing.”
This is a good sign.
All of this is not easy for parents or child to go through. Best wishes.
Do some research on meds to supplement info you learn at the appts.
I remember being told that depression meds could take some weeks to ramp up. And they did, but in our case never in a meaningful way. (Later when given option to try ADHD meds, the experts failed to mention that it was different - we’d know results quickly. Had I know that, we might have given them a try at a time when the trial would have been meaningful. Very different situation, but the lesson is do your own research to supplement the info from the experts There is only so much time at an appt to listen/learn…)
@browndeck, your situation is not easy or simple and unlike some of the folks here, I’m not trained in anything relevant. @compmom and @MaineLonghorn have very good advice. We had kids with LDs, both of whom probably have anxiety (one definitely). In both case and especially the latter case, medication has done a lot. For depression, good cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders as it studies show it seems to rewire the brain.
My main advice is: Life is not a race. If it takes a couple of extra years for your son to deal with the depression, he’ll be ready for college then. But, that doesn’t mean sitting on the couch for two years.
One of the tenets of CBT is that the patient is testing false cognitions and thus is actively doing something (defined with the therapist) and not just sitting on the couch doing nothing.
The other thing I’ve seen from friends with kids with mental health issues is that we at parents have very little control at this stage of life. In some cases, parental intervention has really helped. In other cases, nothing helped.
I was that kid. Top of my HS class, top grades/scores. Went to my dream school–beauty school. I went to college later. It all worked out, and my family’s hair looks teriffic.
