There was already discussion about this in your previous thread, is there anything new besides the ACT score?
We wish to,disown. Him.
Moderator, thanks for merging threads.
Wait, the teen who’s suffering from depression didn’t score well on the ACT and now you want to disown him? If that’s true, your son isn’t the only one who would benefit from counseling.
@austinmshauri He got a 34
Oh, thanks @AroundHere. Why does OP want to disown him? Or is she talking about someone else? Merging threads without some sort of context is really confusing.
The title of merged post was something like “Son got a 34 ACT and doesn’t want to go to college or even finish high school”
@browndeck, obviously there’s some confusion. Why do you say you want to disown your son? It’s got to be about more than an ACT score-- what has he done that has you even considering such an incredibly radical step?
OP, in your previous posts you said your son was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, has expressed suicidal thoughts, and recently started taking medications to treat his condition. He doesn’t want to work or go to college after high school and you think it’s “unacceptable” for him to live at home under those conditions. You seem to believe that he has to constantly show forward motion. Now it seems he doesn’t want to finish high school even though he has great stats. Is that why you want to disown him? Forcing him to complete high school at the expense of his GPA, or worse, serves no one.
The posts in this thread were extremely helpful. You win if he survives this illness. Everything that happens after that is gravy.
I don’t understand much about depression other than what I’ve experienced in my extended family. Depression seems to be a long-term condition. It’s treatable and can be managed, but I’m not sure it goes away. It’s scary and can be difficult to know what to do. As the parent of a child with several learning disorders I understand that it’s not easy changing the dreams we have for our kids. But you’ve only been posting for 3 months. It can take a year for meds to be adjusted correctly so that they do their job. Healing takes time.
Trying to force your son to fit the preconceived ideal you have for him won’t help anyone. I think you need to step back and get some counseling of your own so you can learn to deal with his illness. Doctors recommend that people not make major life changes in times of great stress. This is one of those times.
I said this back on April 9. It really is the only thing that matters at this point. Period.
My son is seriously enough ill that he jettisoned his plans to become a biomedical engineer or a physician. He lives on Social Security and his main activity is going for walks or playing the guitar. And you know what? I’m terribly proud of him. He is a survivor and a warrior. I don’t think the OP realizes how very, very challenging it is for mentally ill people to hang on every day. You should be telling your son that you love him and are there to support him, whatever he decides to do.
Thank you all for your replies. I was very upset last night (and had a little too much wine). I do understand mental illness and my heart goes out to people and families struggling with this, as we have been. His depression is much improved since he is not in school. My son has been in counseling since last fall, started medicine in Feb, saw a psych in late May and started a new AD. His mood is good, he is funny, has a business dog sittting, has a long time group of friends he plays online with but “didn’t ask to be born to have to work or go to school and if life is more unhappy than happy, suicide is an option.” He has said this to his personal counselor, psych, and now our family counselor. They don’t react and don’t seem concerned. They say he will get better but he has yet to look at a college, make any plans for applying. He says he is not going back to school this fall. What do we do then? They all agree if he doesn’t apply to college this fall, and he decides to go later, then he is on the hook for the money he would have gotten. They all feel he is capable of moving forward. The family counselor told him and us, if next summer comes and he refuses to go to college or get a job, then we need to kick him out. If he wants to work, or go to school part time or start a business or do a vocational route, all of that is acceptable. But he needs to do something.
I worked very hard and paid for most of my college and my husband and I have sacrificed in many ways to fund college for kids so they could go through debt free. I also have a counselor and we are working through this but I hate to see my son make choices that get him kicked out or 50K in debt because he doesn’t go to college now. (If he went to college in five years, we would not seek to punish him, but we would be funding his brothers college and my husband is in his mid 50s with a company that likes to give packages to employees in the 60s, circumstances could be different.)
It’s also amplified with his friends spending the summer going on mission trips, dating, going to college visits and he just says no to everything.
I don’t want to disown him, but I’m terrified that next summer we will have to kick him out and give him a taste of the real world. That’s not what I want for him.
MaineLonghorn, it does sound like your son is a survivor! I think part of my frustration is that the experts say is will be okay and should be moving toward the next steps. There is some stubbornness where he just doesn’t want to do what we want him to do.
That’s a whole year away. So very much could change in those 12 months.
I’m certainly no therapist, but I would encourage him in small ways. You say he “has a business dog sitting”-- so he IS working, though not as much or the way you would hope for. I wonder whether you and your husband could encourage him in this endeavor-- perhaps in setting up a website or printing up business cards to broaden his client list. Nope, it’s not college, but it IS moving in a positive direction towards becoming more self sufficient. It’s getting off the couch and DOING something.
On this forum we see several posts by freshman who have had trouble transitioning to college and end up being academically dismissed or having to take medical leave due to anxiety and depression. It might be beneficial to him to take a gap year to sort things out in his mind. The will and determination has to come from within as no one can make him get up, go to class and perform. The worst case scenario would be forcing him to move forward when he is not ready. I would want my child to be healthy and happy first. It is hard to watch our kids suffer like this but it takes lots of patience and compassion. Sometimes it takes volunteering and helping those in need to understand and value what we have that we have taken for granted. Your son has performed well so far. Maybe he is not able to share what is truly bothering him and is keeping it in his heart. I would be very concerned if my child talks about ending his life. Don’t let it get to that point. Life is hard. Sometimes we have to rely on our inner strength and faith to get us through difficult times. Have you tried getting a second opinion from another doctor? Don’t give up hope and most importantly don’t give up on him. Have faith that things will turn around. We all wish for him to feel healthy and capable to focus on his future and wish to encourage you as he goes through the difficulties he is facing. Continue with counseling for yourself so that you have the tools you need to reduce your own stress. Take this one day at a time. Let him know that you are there for him and how much you love him. Sometimes people put on a happy face to cover up that they feel sad inside. Depression can be paralyzing making it difficult to move forward or to perform daily activities and be productive. Could it be that he is just burnt out and needs a break?
I feel your pain. My D20 is still looking for her way. She was a good, not great student but after a lot of heartaches did graduate hs on time with a 3.4. Considering how much school she missed due to inpatient and outpatient hospitalizations that was good. She has severe test anxiety and did terribly on SAT and ACT. After hs she turned down a merit scholarship and an athletic scholarship to run off with a guy. She finally came home but had no interest in school or work. In the last two years she has dropped out of trade school (too many hours a day) and CC (broke up with a guy) and has had 6 jobs most of which she just walked away from. She has major depression and borderline personality disorder (her birthmother and half brother both have the same things we recently found out). She is currently refusing treatment of any kind and is back in a relationship with a guy who was abusive to her (the one she dropped out of school for breaking up with). Sigh.
The good things. Finally she has been working for 8 months at a doggie day care. Later this week she will (fingers crossed) finish her first CC class - freshman english. She is signed up for one more class second half of the summer and is talking about taking 12 hours in the fall. Not quite sure she is ready for that. She always has great dreams and then gets started and gets overwhelmed. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Her only dreams are fairly unattainable. (pro soccer player).
I have had to drastically lower my expectations for her and be glad when we have any baby steps. Hopefully your son will snap out of it quickly. We have been fighting this since 9th grade and even with treatment and medication have not been able to get over it. We will see. Just realize it is a disease, try everything you can to keep him in treatment and on medication. I believe that is the key. Good luck.
For us it is hard because S18 is about to go away to college and has a great job, scholarships, and is on a path to vet school which was her dream (but she would not even take baby steps towards it even though we gave her every opportunity, vet tech, groomer, vet assistant, volunteer, etc). That just makes her angry and more depressed and she takes it out on him (which is one reason he wants to go OOS).
We would be very open to his own pace. One of our very good state schools is local, so he could live at home and take a few classes. We would be thrilled with that and happy to have him around. If he didn’t want to do school right away and wanted to work some, travel, etc, that would be okay, too. He just doesn’t seem to be open to the future. That’s what is frustrating!
I’m sure I come across as a horrible parent/person because I tend to post here when I’m most frustrated but we have done nothing but be extremely supportive and have gotten him all the help we can.
He really likes physics and we have a connection with a local think tank that does that type of work for the military and he has been invited to visit and talk with some interns. Nope!
We have offered to take him to several college just to see if something interests him. Nope.
We have offered to travel with him. Nope.
He doesn’t want to explore the future or make any decisions about it.
I have a theory I call the rubber band theory. I have noticed that at times just before a growth spurt, whether physical or emotional or real world , there is movement backward to gain momentum.
I know it’s hard but also remember it is your lifelong relationship that you want to preserve and enhance.
He can finish high school with a GED, or through an online diploma. Let that go (though his school should be accommodating him).
If he expressed suicidal thoughts, many professionals would call an ambulance and get him in a hospital, so the ones you are dealing with ate quite moderate. Be aware that some of us have also had moderate professionals for kids who did attempt suicide. There are adolescent mental health units that are less hospital-y that have schools for finishing high school, too, and lots of resources for families.
I am not saying he needs a hospital but he does qualify if that becomes a resource.
I know a young man who graduated from an Ivy and is in a similar state- top Ivy student. It happens to people. Pick up a copy of William Styron;s book on his depression,or read Kay Redfield Jamison.
The fact that he is doing dog walking is great. If the med starts working, encourage him slowly to take on one new thing a month or even less frequently.
Stay an ally, not punitive- very important.
Look at NOLS, a wilderness program, that has helped some.
Let him hit bottom and rise up from his own motivation as long as his life is not in danger. Give him some time.
Random thoughts, sorry, but many of us have been there and can assure you that as long as he stays alive, things tend to work out. You can’t force it. You can nudge it, surf the good bursts with him, but you can’t impose healing from the outside. Just be therefor him.
@browndeck – do you know of anything important that comes easy to your S (something that has a future)? He may not be interested in it now. He gets high scores so he’s smart. I went though a phase like this where I hated school, was only interested in a few things, and eventually dropped out of college. My parents never got on me about. I knew I was screwing up, they knew I was screwing up, and I knew that they knew it. If they had badgered me about I would have pulled away and really be lost. Instead, the only thing I felt from them was 100% confidence in me. I don’t know where they found the patience.
If I were in your shoes, with a smart but rudderless kid, I’d go talk to his STEM teachers in HS (without him knowing it). Ask them what areas came easy to him (that he’s a “natural” at) then causally mention them during a conversation. See if that gets him interested in the topic.
@browndeck you don’t come across as a horrible person at all imho. You come across as a rightfully concerned, loving parent wondering if some “tough love” is the way to go, or what (though I’m not a huge fan of tough love) in a very perplexing situation.
My question . . . how much of your own anxiety is playing into this? That’s something to talk about with your counselor. You sound like a go-getter type person and that can be a healthy way to cope with life’s challenge. Maybe your son is withdrawing as a way to cope (??). Again, good discussion to have with therapist.
To me you are taking the right steps. Trust the process and yourself to know the best course of action when the next bridge is on the horizon. It’s not there yet (at least is sounds like you’re willing to give him some time).
Hang in there.