Son's classmate commits suicide

Parent Cafe
1

<p>We just learned that a classmate of our son killed himself and are devastated by the tragic news. He was a wonderful young man, kind, charming, intelligent and loved by his family and friends. His death is unbearable and inexplicable.</p>

<p>How do we support his grieving family? How do we help our kids understand his deep depression and deal with his death? And how do we prevent another tragic loss like this?</p>

<p>Thank you for any wisdom and insight you can share. Obviously he is not the first to die this way and sadly will not be the last.</p>

2

<p>OH man. That’s awful. When this happens it’s so hard on the kids and the community. And there’s not a lot to be done. Depression is so dangerous at that age, or any other, and then, the treatment can be dangerous, as well.</p>

<p>I hope your son is the type to talk about his feelings around something like this. I think it’s important for kids to understand there’s nothing they could have done. Good luck to you. I know there are a lot of organizations which deal with teen depression and suicide, and a lot of times they will come to schools to speak. YOu might want to look into it over the internet.</p>

3

<p>I am so, so sorry to hear this. You and your son have my deepest sympathy. This has to be this poor kid’s parents’ worst nightmare. We have not had any direct experience with situations like this, but I would stress to my child that this boy was obviously not in his right mind when he did this, pointing out how this was a ill-considered and permanent solution to what were temporary and fixable problems. Point out the life-long hurt and anger and devastation this causes in the lives of those who are left behind. And tell your son to find some meaning in this boy’s death by making sure he and his friends understand that you never let this happen again, that people need to seek help if they feel overwhelmed and suicidal so that a tragedy like this does not happen again.</p>

<p>My thoughts and prayers and with your family and your community.</p>

4

<p>For the bereaved family: let them know they are in your thoughts. If there are younger children the age of your younger children, offer to take care of them for an afternoon, a night or a weekend. </p>

<p>It’s a cliche, but bring food to them. Choose food that’s appealing and easy to prepare or freeze, because the grieving family will have trouble dealing with ordinary life tasks. </p>

<p>If you have pictures of the son, in a week or so, collect them and bring or send them to the family. Go to the memorial/services. Think of some specific incident you remember about the boy, and tell the parents about it. </p>

<p>As time goes on, continue to talk to the parents from time to time about their son. Don’t be afraid to remind them about him-- how could they possibly have forgotten?</p>

<p>Tell your son to talk or write to the parents, and say something he remembers about his friend.</p>

<p>It’s so difficult. It’s just wrong for parents to bury their child.</p>

5

<p>Try here for resources: [National</a> Suicide Prevention Lifeline - With Help Comes Hope](<a href=“http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/]National”>http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)</p>

<p>You can call the number listed there to ask for advice. </p>

<p>I am so sorry.</p>

<p>I tell my son that no matter how bad things seem, the bad things will pass.</p>

6

<p>I am so sorry to hear this. It is such a tragedy when someone takes their own life. The impact is brutal to those loved ones left behind.
I do not have any words of wisdom as to how to understand his deep depression. I think the best you can do is encourage your own children to talk about their feelings and keep the communications open and honest.
My own family went thru a family member taking their own life and it certainly left some deep scars.
I know it sounds cliche, but suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem.</p>

7

<p>Look up a man named ‘Michael Fowlin’.</p>

<p>He gave one of the most amazing/emotional performances I’ve ever witnessed at my high school that dealt with these types of issues. You should contact the principal of your son’s school and try to arrange a performance.</p>

8

<p>Also, don’t try to understand the boy’s depression; it’s on a level that healthy individuals could never comprehend. That said, talking with your children about being open is probably the best course of action.</p>

9

<p>I just read this article this morning.I am going to use it to try and open a conversation with my daughters
[The</a> Associated Press: Youth push for louder conversation about suicide](<a href=“http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hR18VdG6477f5K8YG-zIZuMxsJBAD9B735FO1]The”>http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hR18VdG6477f5K8YG-zIZuMxsJBAD9B735FO1)</p>

10

<p>how tragic, its always incomprehensible when a young person dies by suicide. I learned from a woman whose mother died by suicide years ago that referring to their family member as having “killed themselves, or committed suicide” can contribute a sense of shame and pain to their loss. I’m a clinical social worker and have collaborated with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on training programs, I pulled this from [AFSP:</a> Home](<a href=“http://www.afsp.org%5DAFSP:”>http://www.afsp.org).</p>

<p>“you should know that 90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Try to bear in mind that suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness.”</p>

<p>Coping with Suicide Loss----For Friends and Family</p>

<p>When friends and family ask how they can help, you might want to give them a copy of this section.</p>

<p>When there has been a death of a loved one by suicide, survivors will experience a depth and range of feelings. It is important to honor and respect the needs of the survivors in the days, weeks and months following the suicide. Often you may feel helpless. These guidelines help you understand what may be comforting to the family. However, before you assume responsibilities, we believe it’s important to ask survivors whether they need your help. Some survivors gain added strength from performing many of the responsibilities below, while others may want to rely on friends or family for support and guidance.</p>

<p>Respond honestly to questions asked by the family. You don’t need to answer more than asked. If they want to know more, they will ask later.
Surround them with as much love and understanding as you can.
Give them some private time. Be there, but don’t smother them.
Show love, not control.
Let them talk. Most of the time they just need to hear out loud what is going on inside their heads. They usually aren’t seeking advice.
Encourage the idea that decisions be made by the family together.
Expect that they will become tired easily. Grieving is hard work.
Let them decide what they are ready for. Offer your ideas but let them decide themselves.
Keep a list of phone calls, visitors and people who bring food and gifts.
Offer to make calls to people they wish to notify.
Keep the mail straight. Keep track of bills, cards, newspaper notices, etc.
Help with errands.
Keep a list of medication administered.
Offer to help with documentation needed by the insurance company, such as a copy of the death certificate.
Give special attention to members of the family – at the funeral and in the months to come.
Allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.
Allow them to talk about the special endearing qualities of the loved one they have lost. </p>

<p>Reprinted with permission, The Link Counseling Center’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare (see Other Organizations).
Here are two other thoughts:</p>

<p>Write down a story about their loved one (especially one that they might not know about) and give it to them to read when they feel ready.
Don’t be afraid to say their loved one’s name. Don’t worry about making me them; it hurts so much more when no one talks about the person they lost.</p>

11

<p>My brother committed suicide a few years ago. When talking with our children about it, we talked about how just like a person can have a health problem with an organ like their heart or lungs, health problems also can occur with the brain. It seemed to help them understand that tragic event.</p>

<p>Regarding supporting the family, just reach out and do something (attend the funeral, send a card, make a donation to whatever cause they support or group the person was involved with). They will remember even the smallest gesture, and feel supported. Other things to do: offer to stay at the house during the funeral service (thieves do strike sometimes), offer to do cleaning or yardwork if they need it. And check in periodically after the funeral, that is the hardest time when everyone has gone away. </p>

<p>Recently I read a book written by 10 parents who lost children in their teen & early adult years. It helped me understand my own parent’s grieving for my brother, and I think it would be something that parents who lost a child could get some comfort from eventually. One point it makes is that there is no one way to grieve for a lost child, and what helped one parent was not always useful another. It is not specific to suicide. It is called Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child. First author on the list is Ellen Mitchell, I believe.</p>

<p>And if you take food… my advice is don’t take ham (we had LOTS of ham after my brother died, and some meals really nothing else… a side dish that would go with ham would probably be welcome!).</p>

12

<p>As the others have all said, my heart goes out to you and yours.</p>

<p>This happened in our town the summer after my son’s junior year. Of course it devastated everyone, with varying degrees of intensity.</p>

<p>This has come up here on cc a few times, each time the threads have generated valuable insights, information and advice. Here are the three I participated in:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/462421-helping-daughter-through-grief.html?highlight=Timmy[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/462421-helping-daughter-through-grief.html?highlight=Timmy&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/407939-youth-stress-suicide.html?highlight=Timmy[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/407939-youth-stress-suicide.html?highlight=Timmy&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/136150-what-makes-kids-do-sad-story.html?highlight=Timmy[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/136150-what-makes-kids-do-sad-story.html?highlight=Timmy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

13

<p>This is a real tragedy, made even more poignant when it is a young person. So often these students seem to have everything to live for.</p>

<p>A close family member committed suicide before I was born and I’ve grown up thinking it should be open to discussion and not hidden away as if it were a shameful thing. There is a lot of information available now about depression and if suicide is talked about I think it helps lessen the family’s stigma. IMO.</p>

<p>Along those lines, an acquaintance recently killed herself in an extremely gruesome way. Her family asked for privacy and announced they would not discuss her death. I think that led to more curiosity, rumors and talk than if it had been brought out into the open. Again, MO.</p>

<p>We don’t wish suicide for anyone but if it occurs I think it should be acknowledged. Then you can move on.</p>

14

<p>Frankly this is a subject that terrifies me & I think it is good to talk about.
My father died when he was 42- probably suicide, but it was an overdose of prescription meds and he didn’t leave a note.</p>

<p>Depression/bipolar/anxiety/ runs in my family and addiction + Depression/bipolar/anxiety/ runs in my husbands.
Not so healthy.</p>

<p>**Very intelligent & sensitive people, are often very good at hiding their problems, even sometimes from themselves and they are also very good at presenting the face that they know others want to see. **</p>

<p>While we don’t like whiners, “we” also don’t often really want an answer when we ask " How are you?".</p>

<p>I hope that we can become more honest & if something is really troubling us, we will be able to ask- at least to let a friend know that when they have time to really listen- we need their help.</p>

<p>We may come into and go out of this world alone, but inbetween we should not feel alone.</p>

<p>As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for decades but only within the last ten years gotten a handle on it- I want to encourage those who are reluctant to try medication if nothing else has helped.</p>

<p>I hated being on anything regularly, not only was I a " natural remedy" sort of person since the 1970’s, but both my father and mother were on psychotropic medication and I wanted as far away from that sort of stuff as possible.</p>

<p>However- if you are depressed- counseling and therapy will often only do so much- sometimes medication is needed to allow the therapy to start working.</p>

<p>It is a PITA, that the medication not only needs to be taken for at the very least several weeks to start working, but that you often have to take it for longer than that to get the right dose and not only that but it isn’t unusual to have to try three or four or five medications to find one that works for you.</p>

<p>It is Ok to research meds and to ask your dr about them.</p>

<p>You need to be your own advocate as much as you can be.</p>

<p>It is Ok to change Drs, if you feel your Dr. isn’t listening to your concerns, no matter how many degrees he/she has.</p>

<p>I know this has went away a bit from original topic- but I hope that it might help someone.</p>

<p>Another thing I want to share is-
don’t feel if you go on medication now- you will have to be on it forever & that thought is overwhelming.</p>

<p>I have been on various tri-cyclics, SSRi’s etal. but currently and for years have been pretty good with a combination of nutrition, herbal medicine and exercise.</p>

<p>It is pretty scary to think about how close I have come in the past to not being here anymore. ( I have been hospitalized twice and had other times when I should have been hospitalized)
BUt at least for me- and I think for many others- when I was suicidal-
it wasn’t because I wanted to hurt others-
it wasn’t because others had harmed me-
and it wasn’t even that I wanted to hurt myself-
It was simply that I was in tremendous ( psychic) pain and I wanted it to stop.
That’s all.</p>

15

<p>When my D lost her best friend & friend’s family to a terrible car accident, the thing that helped her grieve was contact with other peers. All of the dead girl’s friends felt the need to be together. They were each other’s best comforts. They had group sleepovers where they spent half the night talking, remembering and crying. Parental comfort per se was really secondary. </p>

<p>In any sudden death - but perhaps suicide in particular - the best comfort you can offer the family is presence, hugs, and tears. Knowing that they’re not alone in their pain is really the most you can do.</p>

16

<p>This is so tragic. I can not imagine a worse nightmare. My heart goes out to you and your family. </p>

<p>I think you have gotten great advice so far. I think being present for them is such a great gift. You don’t have to have the right things to say, just being there, hugging them, and helping with everyday life would be wonderful. Don’t ask 'is there anything I can do" because they are unlikely to come back with a request. Maybe offer instead “would you mind if I took your garbage out?” or “I would really like to take care of your laundry if thats okay with you”. And being present for them after all the busy-ness has settled, and everyone else has gone back to their normal lives (and always around the same time they are just beginning to grieve and can’t believe the world is still going on!), is priceless.</p>

<p>I have mixed feelings about food now. I know we all bring it and I do too (and it feels so good to DO something for them that’s useful). But I’ve found when we’ve been steeped in grief, eating is the LAST thing we can do. But maybe its just us? Well anyway, the food piles up. And there is no room left in the fridge. And we feel guilty for not eating. And we aren’t sure who the dishes belong to and how to return them. And we have seven of the same thing. So I wonder aloud about alternatives: like maybe small food? And disposable containers. And maybe things like soup or fresh juice, since they will have to drink even if they can’t eat.</p>

17

<p>re food- it is important to eat- your body is a machine and it needs fuel.
I think bringing food is very thoughtful because the thought of shopping and preparing can be too much to deal with, cause you don’t have any appetite & perhaps the thought of disappointing those who cared enough to make a meal will get some people to eat!</p>

18

<p>I am ever so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to all the loved ones of that student and to all of his friends.</p>

<p>My sons had some horribly traumatic times after someone they knew well committed suicide. I don’t know if it was connected, but I am told that when something like this happens in their circle, it does have a terrible impact. It becomes a possibility when it may not have been before it occurred. I wish I had read more about this at the time. Perhaps it would have helped. Please do research the matter and talk to someone who is an expert. When your kids hit some rough spots in the near future, do keep the fact that this situation is in the picture. </p>

<p>Again, I feel the hurt too right now.</p>

19

<p>I agree with katliamom,When S2’s two best friends died last summer (auto accident), S2 sought refuge with their large group of friends. They spents lots of nights together and most days together for weeks. I felt sort of helpless and like I was not doing anything to help him but my help was not what he needed/wanted at the time. It was the support of others who knew and loved them best that he needed. </p>

<p>We did take food in the days before the funerals. Extended family was coming in from out of town so we thought it would help. If not food, you could do a plant (rather than flowers that have to be thrown out) or even a gift card for take out food from a local restaurant that can be used in the days and weeks to follow after the service is over and guests have left but family still don’t feel like shopping/cooking. In our experience, everyone acts on autopilot for awhile and then the worst of it can really hit them later.</p>

20

<p>I am so sad for the boy’s family, and for you and your son. </p>

<p>I hope the HS will have counselors available for the students to talk to. Having professionals available, right now and also in a month or two or three, will be extremely helpful.</p>