<p>This evening my son said a friend had sent him some photos w/drawing on them via snapchat that had him concerned that his friend might harm himself. By the time my son told us he had already called the friend’s mother and told her. The friend has anxiety issues and has recently started seeing a therapist. We have met the friend a few times and have spoken to the mother on the phone although we have not met her. My son is at home waiting to hear if he should visit the friend. Both boys are around 17 and juniors in high school.</p>
<p>What do we do from here? While I am concerned for the friend I also have concerns for my son. I don’t plan to limit the friendship but to be honest I don’t want my son riding in a car with the friend driving if the friend is having suicidal thoughts. Am I being unreasonable? Any advice?</p>
<p>Two things. THough you have done your duty in informing the mother, you might want to make sure she gets it. Call her yourself and talk, gauge her attitude. If she is in denial, you may need to contact local authorities to take steps. The therapy is a good sign.</p>
<p>Second, once you’ve established he is getting the help he needs, I would suggest inviting him over, controlling the environment more if he is in acute crisis. That way, you can keep an eye on them and he is using nothing that can be turned into deadly force.</p>
<p>Your son shows great maturity by calling his friend’s mom. I would expect he might show equal maturity when deciding whether to drive with his friend. Perhaps you can ask your son if he is concerned with his friend’s driving.</p>
<p>Your child seems empathetic and seems like he won’t stigmatize his friend for possible mental health issues. A steady friend is probably important to this guy now. I saw this once and thought is was very good: Living When a Young Friend Commits Suicide: Or Even Starts Talking About It, Earl A. Grollman and Max Malikow, ISBN: 0-8070-2503-8 Beacon Press</p>
<p>When professionals assess suicide risk of imminent harm to self, I’m told they distinguish between passive ideation v. active ideation. Both are to be taken very seriously, but the urgency is different. Passive means someone has said something like, “I wish I were dead” or “It’d be better if I weren’t here.” Active means they can articulate a plan with a method, and have means to accomplish it, for example, when asked, “how would you do that?” they can quickly answer “I’d shoot myself” and they have access to a gun. </p>
<p>So here, it’s important for your son to know if his friend said something particular about his car, such as “I could drive myself into a tree” or “If I crashed this car, nobody would care.” </p>
<p>But even if he didn’t, you as Mom might sense that friend’s depression is so deep that his driving judgment is questionable, in general. I understand your discomfort. I appreciate that your focus is on driving safety only, rather than the friendship between them. If it were me, I’d want my son to be the driver instead until things lighten up.</p>
<p>Your son is also to be commended if he’s that friend whom others can trust and confide. That’s a gift.</p>