<p>I thought about this some more overnight, and if his brother is younger he may fear that if he leaves the GP’s will start in on the younger brother. Do you know the brother at all? Often times helping one child changes the dynamic for the other child in serious ways. I am not suggesting that you offer to take them both into the house, but make sure John knows that your support for him will include him helping his brother as he needs to. </p>
<p>If the younger brother is a concern for John, this may impact his decision to go into the military. If he believes that his leaving will negatively impact his brother he may stay to “protect” his brother. One of the best things we can do to support our troops is to help them know that things at home will be okay.</p>
<p>I agree. Be supportive. Create an environment where he feels comfortable talking to you or bouncing things off you but don’t take him in full time. My oldest had a friend in a toxic environment and I wanted to offer him a home and my husband said don’t do it. My husband said this boy needed to work things out for himself. I was sad that this young man had a chaotic couple years of high school, didn’t go to college out of high school and for several years bounced around in and out of the house, in and out of jobs. Some on these forums would consider what went on abusive some would say family dynamics are different, etc. and what is abusive to one set of parents is parenting to another set of parents. He stopped by earlier this summer and he’s heading off to college this fall on his own steam and dollars and seems to have somewhat of a working relationship with his family. His path from 16 to twenties was not smooth. It was not idyllic. It was not “wholesome” in a classic sense but the outcome is fine and he was clearly so proud when he stopped and told us what was going on in is life.</p>
<p>I want to revisit what I said about CPS. First off, things vary by state in terms of how overwhelmed they are. If abuse occurred before he was 18 and a minor is in the home, a report can be made because the same adults have access to another minor. However, it’s emotional abuse. In my state --and I only know my state – emotional abuse is not investigated on the same level that physical or sexual abuse is, although it can be investigated. It depends on the caseworker, how overwhelmed the system is, etc. So I revise what I said – CPS may investigate because of the minor in the house.</p>
<p>Taking in a child that is not getting along with parents, grandparents or guardians has a lot of risks associated with it. Make sure you know what they are. Are his GPs going to be paying for his college, for instance, or have other financial situations that could be impacted negatively if he leaves them?</p>
<p>My suggestion is to make this a very positive thing with the gps if you decide to have the young man move in with you. In no way or form should you or the young man even imply that the gps are not raising him properly. Make it a favor to THEM. Make them want to have this happen. Show it as a win/win situation all around. Otherwise there could be dire consequences.</p>
<p>I’ve known families who have taken in kids with dysfunctional parents. It can work out well, and it can fail miserably. Plan it out very carefully and do not make it a declaration of war or incompetence on the part of the gps and make sure that the young man resists the temptation to throw things in their faces. You just don’t know what is at stake.</p>
<p>OP here… thank you all for the thoughts and advice. My hubby and I are still discussing what would be the best course of action. I like the idea of a one week stay, it might be enough to help the GPs get back on track (I doubt it, but you never know…).</p>
<p>As far as John and him being in an alternative HS- he was in regular HS through Junior year. He is only attending the alternative HS because it will allow him to graduate in December. Apparently he can’t graduate early attending his regular HS.</p>
<p>I have mentioned to my DS that he should be there for John. My DS is one of those kids that all his friends go to when they need advice- I told him if he changes his mind about Mech Eng, he can always be a psychologist. He is good at listening. I will also reinforce with DS that he let John know again that he can always come to our house.</p>
<p>As far as CPS- he’s 18. I don’t think they can do anything about it. Plus the GPs are good at telling a believable story, I don’t think it would help John at all. As far as his brother is concerned, the GPs don’t mistreat him in any way. I think John is really a half brother and then again I’m not sure if that is the real relationship. It’s a very wierd family. The GPs do NOT want John to contact his mother (their daughter) AT ALL. Apparently she has either drug or alcohol issues.</p>
<p>I am going to talk to John’s guidance counselor at the HS. Both John and DS have (had) the same GC. I know she can’t tell me particulars but I’m hoping that she can give me some advice or recommendations on what we can do for John. We had talked in March about some of the things going on and I had asked her then to talk to John about his family life. It was around the time he was kicked out. So this won’t be the first time bringing up this subject.</p>
<p>I think the last thing we want to do is do something drastic that would make the situation worse for John. Yes, I’m aware the GPs could go off on us, that’s why we haven’t called them or done anything. If and when we do, we will be prepared.</p>
<p>Thanks again for the advice, I’ll keep you posted on the final outcome.</p>