<p>I can’t imagine that this death is not going to be a huge thing for him because although you say they were not VERY close, it sounds like he knew her, interacted with her and it was as recent as Friday evening. He is an 8th grader and this was suicide. He is going to need to talk to someone to sort this out. If not you, then a professional. The other recent death of a peer in his life adds some complexity.</p>
<p>Hugs to you and your son.</p>
<p>Thanks all.
I know a lot of details now - my very good friend is a next door neighbor to the family and two younger kids were brought in by the officer to her house for sefekeeping till other family members were contacted. I know the girls mother quite well but not close enough to knock on her door at this time.
Question - should I let my kids know what exactly happened, IF they ask (like for example, she hanged herself, in her closet, her mom and younger sister found her etc).
This is so surreal…</p>
<p>
I agree with this. I have read that sometimes a teen suicide in a community can lead to others, so it is a good time to have a heart to heart with your kids about the subject and make sure they know they can always come to you and that nothing should lead them to consider suicide. My daughter lost her boyfriend to an accidental death and was devastated enough that we had a real concern that she might think of suicide. We talked to her a lot which was difficult as she shut us out. She also had one teacher who was really wonderful and talked to her a lot. It took 6 months for her to accept she needed outside counseling and it did help. It has had an enormous impact on her life and still affects her even 3 1/2 years later. I can’t even begin to imagine how much more devastating a suicide would be. Definitely don’t hesitate to talk to him about this.</p>
<p>I would answer any questions honestly. There will be so many rumors will be flying around and the truth, however painful, can sometimes be better than all the rumors.</p>
<p>How sad. {{{{hugs to you}}}}</p>
<p>SO sorry to hear this news. . .I hope this forum has provided a bit of solace. Honesty, love, compassion, these are all good things that never fail. Find those things which show your son you’re there for him, remain available, be open with your feelings.</p>
<p>and i have to repeat (as a parent) ‘hugs to you’</p>
<p>There is something about boys that you need to consider. You normally cannot sit around a kitchen table and expect much from them. However if you can arrange a long walk, go outside an play catch/frisbee, or engage in another physical activity communication blossoms in most otherwise close mouthed boys. I had a nerfball b’ball hoop in my office for whenever a student would come in with a problem to discuss. It usually worked and the friendly competition was fun too.</p>
<p>It would be good to educate yourself about grief, how children and teenagers process grief, and how you can support them. </p>
<p>I agree with the previous poster that it would also be helpful to educate yourself about depression and suicide. You can then share information with your kids that you feel is appropriate for their age(s).</p>
<p>Your local hospice organization may be able to provide resources specific to your community.</p>
<p>One book that was recommended to me is: Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers by Earl Grollman.</p>
<p>Death is frightening, and we don’t know how to talk to the survivors. I encourage you and your son to think of memories of the girl, so that in the conversations you have with the family at the services, and in the condolence letter I hope you and your son write, you can talk about “I remember her bright smile as she approached the microphone…” or something like that. Her family is in shock right now (as are you and your son) but as they begin to process the unimaginable grief, the memories and stories may bring comfort. Also, if you have pictures (any kind of snapshot) in a few weeks you could send copies to the family.</p>
<p>Those are wise words, CF.</p>
<p>Remember to share with your children your feelings as well. It’s okay to feel confused, not sure of what to do/say and so on. I encourage you to be honest with them, as difficult as it may be. They need to know that they can trust you, no matter how scary or sad the topic.</p>
<p>Big huges to you and your son. This girl and her family are in my heart.</p>
<p>My son went through this in 9th grade with a friend from camp and it’s difficult for both you and the child. It’s good if your son can have a “support group” of friends who are also grieving - your support and that of a counselor are important, but peer group is so significant at this age. Sending warm thoughts your way.</p>
<p>We have been through similar, but not exactly the same, and I may have a couple of points to share.</p>
<p>A boy committed suicide here, but he was 18. Community-wide and high-school wide counseling was offered. But not every student wished to take advantage. In fact, my son didn’t really want to talk about it with us at all. I know that he did talk with his peers and they were an important source of consolation to each other.</p>
<p>Some of the kids certainly needed counseling. So I would play it by ear. One thing that the grief counselors offered that helped me, in particular. I was wondering if my son “needed” to talk… should I urge/force him to “deal” with this? The grief counselors advised that every kid is different and as long as we were not seeing problems, that we should let him deal in his own private way.</p>
<p>The son of a dear friend hanged himself at the age of 14. This was determined to have been a “choking game” death, not an intentional suicide. Of course, it makes no difference in terms of the tragic death - the child is gone in either case. However, I bring it up because the family/community may react differently to an intentional hanging vs. an accident. In our case, the parent chose to publicize the dangers of this game. Further, if it was the “game”, other families may want to quickly speak with their children about the extraordinary danger of this game. Children who are not at risk for suicide could be at risk for this accidental choking. And middle school seems to be a critical at-risk period for this.</p>
<p>I am a high school teachr, and there is nothing mor tragic than the loss of a young person. Don’t be surprised if you son needs to rally with his peers. Offer your home to the neighborhood and to his friends if they need to work through it…buy be careful not to tell tem how to feel.</p>
<p>Now cannot be a better time to love all of our kids. I am sorry your family and the young lady’s family have to go through this - but you will - you will get through to the other side of this.</p>
<p>choking game…</p>
<p>like a couple of posters have mentioned…It was the first thing I thought about when I saw your post…Now that you know many of the details you may know if it was intentional. or not…However, a few years ago when the choking game hit the news I talked with my kids about it…I think they were about middle school age about then…I was shocked to find out that although they had not participated in it they knew kids that had…Something to ask about.</p>
<p>Keeping your family in my prayers</p>
<p>We know an 8th grade boy in Texas who hung himself. I believe it was his fellow classmates who told his parents about using “partial-strangulation” to get high.</p>
<p>You’ve received a lot of good advice here. What a sorrow for all of you.</p>
<p>When my son’s childhood friend committed suicide, at age 16, the shock, fear and disbelief were huge. I was so upset, myself, that I wondered if I had post-traumatic stress disorder. Suicide hurts a whole community. I also became aware how acutely suicide is stigmatized, and how that compounds the pain.</p>
<p>My son kept in touch with the boy’s mother over the years; he would stop in to see her and give her a hug. Not often, but a few times a year. She eventually moved away and gave my son a small gift. I saw that she was saying “goodbye” to all of us, gently closing the door. I’m still sad today thinking of the loss. </p>
<p>Do try to be a good listener. Also, do what you can to remove the stigma attached to suicide.</p>
<p>Thank you all for some great advice.
My kids look like they are handling the situation quite well, I think that it has hit my H and I more than them.
School did offer grief councellors the first day and now the GC meets with kids all day, if they request so. My D wanted to talk to her and she did, S says he is OK.
The visitation is tonight and funeral tomorrow. We are planning on attending as a family. There is going to be a lot of kids from the school that will attend.
The school is not going to do any memorials which I think is correct - we need to celebrate and concentrate on her life, not her death. That being said, the principals and GC are very honest about it - if someone asks them if it was a suicide they say yes, without any further details. Some kids refuse to believe that she killed herself.
The girl’s mom is one of the funding parents of this school (charter), she is a very energetic, no nonsense, strong woman. I do hope that in the future she has enough strenght to talk to the kids at school about it and get the message across. Nothing is ever bad enough…</p>
<p>
yep. I have been to a couple of funerals with my kids. One was a suicide the other were accidents or sudden death from an asthma attack. My kids all did better than I. It was very difficult to contain my emotions. As a parent, it is very very difficult to watch another parent bury their child.
It’s good you are attending as a family. Ahead of time talk about if he wants to sit with his classmates.<br>
My kids’ high school lost a few students over the years - several suicide, accidents or illness. They never did a memorial but would excuse any student who wished to go to the funeral. They staff was also allowed to attend and mostly the administrators went as well.</p>
<p>The girl was a fun of My Chemical Romance. Here is what I have found out about the band just by reading the wiki entry:</p>
<p>"The ‘emo scene’, specifically My Chemical Romance, was criticised by the coroner at the inquest into the death by hanging of a girl from Maidstone, Kent in the United Kingdom named Hannah Bond. The coroner expressed concern that they glamorized suicide and her apparent obsession with the band was said to be linked to her suicide.[41] The inquest heard that Hannah had been part of a “self-harming cult” and had said she wanted to join other suicide victims in the “black parade”.[42] Supporters of emo music contacted NME to defend accusations that emo promotes suicide.[43] In response, fans had planned to march across London in protest against the depiction of the band in the media. The march was expected to be held on May 31, begin at Hyde Park’s West Pond and end outside offices of The Daily Mail. The Daily Mail widely criticized My Chemical Romance and has run general pieces about the dangers of ‘suicide cults’. The march has been expected to attract 500 to 1000 protesters according to the organizers.[44][45] After concerns by police, the march was called off and instead about 100 fans congregated at Marble Arch.[46]</p>
<p>The Daily Mail defended its position saying its coverage was ‘balanced, and restrained’ and ‘in the public interest’ and they were reporting genuine concerns raised by the coroner at the inquest and claim that their coverage of the incident has been misrepresented and confused with rumour. They state that their coverage of the coroner’s remarks and the parents’ comments was in common with that of other newspapers, and point to their publishing of readers letters defending the band and positive reviews of the band’s albums and tours.[47]"</p>
<p>Take a look at their list of songs. I’m glad I didn’t let my 14 yr. old go to their recent concert.</p>
<p>[MY</a> CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS](<a href=“http://www.plyrics.com/m/mychemicalromance.html]MY”>MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS)</p>