Son's friend killed herself - need help!

<p>I need some help on how to approach my son when he gets back from school .
His 8th grade friend, girl (we know the family) has hanged herself last night.
What do i say, how do i guide him.
I am trembling, my daughter also new her, they sang together in a talent show last friday.</p>

<p>I jus got an e-mail from principal and they are offering counselling on as needed base only. I thought thay they should at least talk to the entire grade?</p>

<p>“You” don’t. Supportive and helpful and not “in his business”. </p>

<p>But you the kid to some sort of counselor. Let them talk it out. You are too close.</p>

<p>And yes, I went through a similar situation. It was crappy and lousy and disheartening and confusing and I still remember all about it to this day.</p>

<p>What do you mean by “you are too close”? To close to my son for him to be honest?
I need to go outside…</p>

<p>Ouch. Similar events have happened to son at different ages, from grade school to college. Be there to talk- let him lead any discussion. Based on what he says you can figure out how this is impacting him and then figure out your responses. If he won’t talk you need to get him to reveal how this is impacting him. Don’t be afraid to ask him questions about how he feels. As his parent you know how he reacts to questions he doesn’t want to answer and other clues. It is better to blunder and get him angry with you than to let him hold in all of his thoughts/feelings. There may be school related counseling or events- be sure to talk to his school counselor for advice. Let him decide about funeral home attendance, but encourage him and go with him if he isn’t against it. </p>

<p>Hope this helps YOU get over the shock by giving you some concrete suggestions. I know I went through phases of wondering about my own son, watching for possibilities I never would have dreamed of. This is why talking with your children is important, giving them support and seeing how they are doing. Life does go on. A growing up/maturing experience one doesn’t wish on anyone.</p>

<p>PS- crossposted with all but first one. Leaving my answer, brought up painful memories.</p>

<p>Kelowna, I’m so very sorry for your children and for you, and of course for the family of the child who killed herself. Suicide is a terribly devastating thing.</p>

<p>It may be that the school is trying to make sure they don’t get blowback from parents who wouldn’t want their child to hear about the suicide in an all-school meeting? It does seem like a very odd choice - there is no way that the students will not have heard about it, and they will need guidance.</p>

<p>Mostly what your two kids need from you right now is love. Let them talk, or cry, or do whatever seems to be helping them deal with the hugely powerful, scary feelings this will engender. I agree that they probably both would benefit from time to talk with an experienced counselor who will have done this before, and will have some coping tools to offer them. </p>

<p>What you say is less important than being there to listen to them and comfort them. But I’m sure if you contact a counselor, that person can give you some guidance and/or steer you towards ways to talk about this that are consistent with what you yourself believe and value.</p>

<p>(I know some of what I would say, but given that people have very different beliefs, I wouldn’t want to presume to offer specific suggestions.)</p>

<p>xposted also - sorry.</p>

<p>^^ I agree with you. By asking your son if he wants to talk, you’re letting him know you’re there to listen. I know my own son, when the frustration is bottled up, will be more introverted. And his feelings may manifest itself in different ways, namely, changes in behavior - eating, sleeping, etc. You may find that he reaches out to your daughter since they both knew her.</p>

<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you, Kelowna. I haven’t dealt with something like this so can’t speak from experience (thank God). My instincts would be to tell him you have some very bad news to share, tell him if he doesn’t know already, give him a hug and say how sorry you are for this loss and that you’re there if he wants to talk. If he seems to want to talk, you could ask how and when he found out, or some of the details like that–not concentrating on the emotions too much. If it’s something your family might do, hold hands and say a prayer for the family, including asking for support for yourselves and guidance about how your family can support the girls family. But don’t be falling apart about it yourself in front of him. He needs to see that you all will survive this. Then I would get to see one of those counselors myself to get pointers on how to best guide my child thru this. Good luck my dear. You all will get thru this and we all need to count our lucky stars.</p>

<p>Having your son visit the counselor may be helpful. Perhaps it might also be helpful for you and then your son to review the reality of the disease of depression- some people have it and as a result do succumb to suicide. This is particularly true of those who go undiagnosed and/or untreated. As a result of the disease, the person is unable to fully make good choices. Unfortunately, many survivors suffer from survivor guilt- ie. why didn’t I see this coming? While natural to wonder this question, there is no way others are responsible for this young girl’s choice. </p>

<p>As a sibling survivor, I had to explain my brother’s death to my then 9 year old daughter. I explained it as a result of untreated mental illness- similar, in a sense, to a heart attack death being the result of untreated heart disease. </p>

<p>If possible, I would urge you and your son to give and share comfort and support to the surviving family as much as possible. The grief is unimaginable and compounded by the fact that many people really pull away from a situation like this out of fear and/or misunderstanding. In a situation like this, some are looking for a cause that is understandable to them- this often results in some sort of criticism of the homelife, parents, etc. This is not helpful. The reality is that no one will ever know what really went through this person’s mind and heart. All we know is that their pain was so great that they chose suicide to relieve it. </p>

<p>My prayers are with them, with you and with your son at this difficult time.</p>

<p>Similar situation when S1 was in 8th grade. Our middle school did identify friends of the student, pulled them out of class for the day and guidance talked to them privately and in groups. At home, we made ourselves available to S, talked a bit about what friend might have been feeling. Discussed the finality of suicide; emphasized that we loved him no matter what, that we would always be available and supportive. It was a sad and vigilant couple of months; at least in our case, the friend did recover physically (although not completely) and returned to school the next year.</p>

<p>After his freshman year in HS, the captain of S2’s sports team (having graduated) committed suicide. This was particularly devastating to S2, even though they were not close, because of the hero-worship factor. In this case, we did get professional counseling for S2, as it was the best way for us to ensure that his emotional needs were being taken care of. More than a year later, this event is still with him everyday.</p>

<p>I highly recommend sensitive, but not heavy-handed family discussions. Give your son plenty of time alone to digest his own feelings (this was hard…I was afraid to leave my own son alone in his room, not that I thought he was despondent, but…) and professional counseling, if he is receptive and thinks it would help to talk about it.</p>

<p>Kelowna - when he comes home sit down with him and tell him what you know. All of it. You can cry, he can cry - just give him some time for it to sink in.</p>

<p>Let your religious beliefs - if you have them - be your guide. If you are religious you might want to call your pastor, priest or rabbi.</p>

<p>My kids faced suicide and deaths of friends from natural causes. It is so painful as a parent to think what these parents are going through.</p>

<p>Just let it all sink in for tonight and if you think it’s necessary call the school tomorrow and ask that the counselor seek out your son.
My condolences to you all.</p>

<p>One more thing - accompany your son to the funeral and/or services.</p>

<p>Kelowna, I’m so sorry. By the time your kids get home from school, I’m sure word has spread throughout the school and they know what happened. When your son gets home, don’t jump right into the questions about his school day. Give him a little time to sort this this out in his mind. On the other hand, if he comes home and is obviously upset, then don’t wait to talk. Give him a hug and let him know that heard the sad news via an email from the school. Boys express themselves differently as I’m sure you know. When you feel the time is right, explain to him about mental illness–how it effects people of all ages and it’s not their fault. Reassure him that he can ask and tell you anything and you will always love him.</p>

<p>This is not easy. We have faced this multiple times, but not as young as 8th grade. There is no one right answer. You know your child and you just have to provide whatever support he is willing to accept. It is a long grieving process and something he will never forget.</p>

<p>I think he (and you) might need a hug. I’m sorry for your son’s loss.</p>

<p>Son was not VERY close to her, just a normal eight grade relationship, they have been together thought in the same school for the past four years. The girls sang at the talent show last Frid. and son did help her with the music and microphone and things.</p>

<p>when I went for the walk it suddenly dawned on me that son has lost a friend from fencing (again, not a close friend but they fenced together for a couple of years) a month ago , from a rare strep infection.</p>

<p>Glad you read our responses. Son wasn’t close to the middle school boy who inadvertently hung himself trying to get high- I went to the funeral home, he did not. Earlier in grade school there were two mother deaths- different reasons and years, they gave a nice suicide explanation then so son was not new to death. Son was in college when a HS (former sports teammate) student died, a lot of emails/phone calls and a trip home for the funeral he, not I, went to. This is why I suggest talking to your son about the impact on him. Also why I realize there is a huge impact on you also. I understand why the school is reacting as it is- those that need the help will be attended to and the rest don’t need to dwell on it by being dragged into events at their age. Follow your children’s lead, but also do what you need to for yourself.</p>

<p>Kelowna, I am sorry your family has to deal with that. Last year, a boy that my S shared an EC with, killed himself.
I talked to S about it. Like Wis75 wrote, I watched him very closely.
S did not talk much. He went on line, and looked at all the pictures of the boys that were posted. He did get counseling, and attended the memorial service with his team.
I still think about the boy and his parents. It takes a long time before such a tragedy becomes a distant memory.</p>

<p>Death is abstract enough for kids and suicide… unbelievable. Personally, I think it is a real time to just offer to be there and certainly to somehow point out that this kid must of thought life impossible and that it NEVER is impossible. Nothing, and I mean, nothing, can ever be so bad that taking your life would be answer. It would be my opinion that you have to open the door to your child that they can always come to you and there are always resources for kids in that much pain.</p>

<p>My son has a friend whose father died after a really long illness in 8th grade. Their homeroom went to the funeral. Many didn’t know her dad, but I was talking to her mom just the other day and she said she knows they were there to support her daughter, but it was a huge lift to her as well. Just putting that out there.</p>

<p>S2 lost two dear friends in a car accident last summer. He was a pall bearer at both funerals. I let him know I was available if he wanted to talk about it but he didn’t really want to. I know he talked to others (friends, other adults and parents of the boys who died). I still don’t understand why he didn’t open up to DH and I (although it has never been in his character to do that) but I didn’t want to push too hard so I let him talk to whoever he felt like talking to.</p>

<p>It all seemed so surreal to all of us. He just opereated on auto pilot for awhile. I don’t think the totality of it hit him until a couple of months later. It’s something he will carry with him forever. These were very good friends. </p>

<p>It has been almost eight months now. He has gone to college and found his footing. Everyone grieves differently. A suicide will be very hard for an eight grader to understand. Just be there in whatever way he needs you too. For me, it was just sitting on S’s bed with him watching mindless tv, talking about normal things (in assurance that his life would return to normal) and just being there.</p>