Background: Son is a sophomore in college. First real girlfriend. They were introduced by a mutual friend. She is a senior in HS. They have been dating since Sept.
Son called last night. His GF apparently broke up with him 3 times in the last 6 weeks and was recently diagnosed with bipolar. I had no idea he was dealing with all this drama. He just wants it to be over, but she keeps pulling him back in. Last night she was threatening suicide, so son called and talked to her dad. Yet son still ended up staying up all night trying to convince her not to kill herself. This is just too much for a kid to handle. He’s in the last week two weeks of school before finals, plus he’s got interviews for internship/summer jobs (including a phone interview today).
I do feel sad for her, but want her to let my son go….
Maybe just expressing my worry here, or looking to see if anyone else’s son or daughter has been in this situation.
He is right to bring her parents into the conversation. We had a similar situation with one of our kids in HS. We helped him draft a text message to the girl and he ended the message by letting her know that he is turning off the phone for the night and so would not be responding to any calls or messages. She moved on shortly thereafter. He is nice to be concerned with her but needs to let her know he is no longer available, and he should let her parent(s) know that he’s not available too.
Yes, your son cannot be responsible for the well-being of the girl. He should communicate what she told him to the parents, so they can decide what to do (sounds like she should be hospitalized). Turning off the phone, or at least ignoring her messages, is a good idea.
He’s done what he should. Getting the dad involved was the right thing. Now let him, the dad, take it from here. Don’t answer the phone, email or text messages. Hopefully she’ll move on. He has to. Good luck.
He needs to draw a sharp boundary. Pass it off to her parents, then block her on his phone. Tell her parents that he is blocking her. Something similar happened to my nephew. His GF had a severe eating disorder and was emotionally unstable, and he couldn’t handle it. He wanted to break up with her, but was concerned she’d hurt herself. He actually drove four hours to her parents’ house (without her) and spoke to her dad to give them a heads up that he was going to end the relationship. He also gave them a detailed account of just how unstable she was so that they would take the situation in their own hands.
Make sure he understands that if he bends in letting her go, she will read it as encouragement to keep pushing next time until he bends again. Once and done. Tell her father she needs real help so they can be on guard, and then he needs to let her go.
@uwalummom Not to be alarming or anything, but your son is at least somewhat at risk. You should make as persuasive a request as you know how that he not see her again.
I agree with the others. Tell your son you’d like him to call her Dad again and let him know what’s happened. Also have him tell him he’s turning off his phone so thecDad knows what is transpiring and he can help his daughter with That, too.
I’m so sorry he’s having to deal with this. I know after my son broke up with his GF sophomore year,he didn’t want to date for a long time. He was tired of the drama, just wanted to hang with his buddies.
This happened to me back in the 80s, when I was a HS senior and my BF was a college freshman. He would call me long distance threatening suicide. It was terrifying and that was before “bipolar” was a widely known diagnosis and in the days when teens (like me) were largely left to our own devices - I had a good relationship with my parents but it never would have occurred to me to bring something like this to their attention.
I don’t have any advice to add to the above posters, but wanted you to know it’s good that your son confided in you and he is doing exactly the right thing to involve the parents of the GF.
Just to add something different to the conversation, can your son have a talk with this mutual friend who introduced them? While I’d hate to think their mutual friend had any notion that she was struggling with this disorder, he may be able to provide some information or background on the girl that could help him proceed as he goes down this road. More information is better than no information.
This is a little different, but my daughter had a bi-polar former roommate who started calling and harassing her, probably for attention and sympathy. D did everything she could, but it became too much for her and she was out of ideas. I called the girl’s mother – it was the only thing I could think of doing. I had met her only briefly a few years before – it was an awkward conversation, but she thanked me for letting her know, and D never heard from the girl again. If this doesn’t stop, I’d call the girl’s parents and let them know that it’s too much for your son to handle.
I agree that your S needs to contact the girl’s parents again and tell her what you’ve posted here and that he has to cut off all contact, turning off his phone, blocking/ignoring her calls & texts, then he has to do it. Your S sounds like a very thoughtful and caring guy and I’m glad he’s reached out to her family–it’s really their responsibility to help her get herself healthy. Good luck!
Your son told you “He just wants it to be over, but she keeps pulling him back in.” Are you confident that he has expressed that clearly and directly to the young woman? It’s hard to picture someone in their first relationship having the skills to do that, especially in the face of her heated reactions. Can you suggest that he should get some counseling to help him through this trauma as well?
It’s wonderful that he’s talking to you and to the young woman’s dad. Congratulations on raising a great kid.
Question, Persuade, Refer — ask her if she’s a self -harm risk (check) , persuade them to wait for another day/week (check) , refer to counseling or the national suicide prevention hotline, have the number ready. Also alert other people, like parents, roommates, RA, school counselors. (check)
Sounds like your son is following the pathways generally thought of as helpful. I would have him text the parents every time she contacts him, and tell the former gf that he is turning off the phone at x-oclock — but he will have to do it, because she will check while she is feeling badly.
I know you don’t mean to sound like her life is less important than finals. My college roommate had this happen when we were freshmen, and the guy did die by suicide despite attempts to mitigate the situation. Suicide threats should always be taken seriously and referred to a hotline or school counselors. I wish you, and him, and her, all best outcomes.
@greenbutton: This is a bit different, as the girl is still in HS and presumably living with her parents. OP’s son is at college. It’s her parents who would be making the referral for treatment, unless police were called for a wellness check.
@greenbutton Of course not. However, she is living here at home with her parents. He is away at an out of state college. He told her parents what is happening. We are taking this seriously, which is why he called them. I feel they need to step in and takeover at this point. He is simply not equipped to handle this situation.
My D experienced something similar during her junior year of college. Long distance, recently
broken up, BF who did take his life.
This was two years ago. The first year after his suicide was rough. She still experiences bouts of guilt about the “what if” she answered that final text.
You’re getting good advice from other posters.
Your son needs to hear that she needs professional help and he cannot be her support system. This could potentially delay her getting the help she needs.
He should let her know she needs to talk to her parents and that he will not be responding.
I would not recommend your son contact the mutual friend to gain some insight. The sooner he can get distance from the situation the better.
Tragically, my son lost a best friend to suicide a few months later. My son was a freshman in college. He appeared to be dealing with his grief with the support of us and his friends.
Then about 6 months later, he called me very distressed and overwhelmed. I was in a panic and 7 hours away. He was able to talk to mental health services on the phone campus immediately on the phone and in person the next day.
First of all, make sure your son understands that if she does commit suicide, it’s not his fault whatever he does. You cannot predict what would or wouldn’t push a mentally ill person over the edge.