<p>PG – LOL, I had to look up IYKWIM. I guess some people add, AITYD!</p>
<p>Agree, again, with PG in post no. 76. In this scenario, I’m imagining two 18yos who met this semester and started dating.</p>
<p>For the record, ds1 has not yet had a gf, so I am looking forward to the day when this is a problem!!! I may start hanging a “vacancy” sign outside his door. ;)</p>
<p>How about this…call the parents of the visiting girlfriend…ask them if it’s OK for their daughter to share a bedroom with your son on her visit. If it’s OK with YOU and it’s OK with them…well…then…it’s OK.</p>
<p>(disclaimer…I personally would be SHOCKED if the parent of my daughter’s girlfriend called me with this query…and I would say NO)</p>
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<p>I just don’t think it has to do with moral standards. If a parent is OK with premarital sex or unwed couples sleeping together in the first place, it is not setting some standard to say they can’t do it in your home but you know they do elsewhere. I feel if you already know they engage in sleeping together and they are adults, it feels like pretending to say they cannot do so in your own home. I don’t see how that is setting a standard when you know that standard is already crossed and particularly if you are OK with premarital sex in the first place. </p>
<p>Let’s remember that even if you allow them to share a room, they may not opt to have sex under your roof when you are home anyway. </p>
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<p>In my view, you know it is a committed relationship if they have been dating for some time and you are aware that they already have been spending nights together for some time. Allowing them to continue doing so in your home is acknowledging that they don’t have to play pretend that they don’t already sleep together. </p>
<p>As far as younger kids at home, I don’t have that situation myself. But when I stayed at my now in-laws home with H before we were married, his sister was about 8 years old, and his parents put us in the same room (but my parents did not and I was the youngest in my family and the only one home visiting at the time).</p>
<p>Again, if parents don’t want to allow a shared bedroom in their own home, the kids should respect that. But I don’t know what it is accomplishing with kids who already sleep together (parents aware of that), other than coming across as disapproval. In my case, I don’t disprove of my daughters sleeping with the guy they are dating on an ongoing basis. </p>
<p>Actually, once when we were visiting D2 in NYC and we spent the night on the sleep sofa in her apartment living room, her boyfriend slept over that night (they got in very late after us having attended a late night cast party).</p>
<p>I think for a lot of us we have no issue with our mature kids in a commited relationship staying together in a room in our house … so if our 25 year old is now living with their two year partner we wouldn’t blink an eye letting them sleep in the same room. I think the catch is getting to “mature” and “commited relationship” … so when oiur freshman (mature?) kid asks to stay with their 2-month (commited?) partner a lot of us pause … especially the first time we get hit with the question … and also especially if there are younger siblings in the house. Most rules were loosen over time in our house and this is another rule I expect to loosen over time.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, in my house, clear and honest communication is the rule. I am not especially squeamish about sex or talking about it (although my teenage daughter may not feel the same way about those conversations with me) and think that in a warm, committed adult relationship, sexual relations are an important part of it, whether or not the adults are married. My concern is that when people don’t communicate about stuff that matters to them, they get behavior that may be different than what they want.</p>
<p>As to why it got raised as a moral issue, nicksmtmom and a few other posters did so by saying that this was about good old-fashioned morals and conscience. I don’t see it as a moral issue. However, I don’t see any good *moral *justification for DADT/kabuki dancing (actually I don’t see any justification for DADT/kabuki on moral grounds). I was suggesting that those who see this as a moral issue own up to it and announce that they are prohibiting premarital sex in their houses (their house, their rules) and explicitly don’t want visitors who will not abide by their rules. </p>
<p>Kabuki dancing is awkward for me – I would feel hypocritical saying one thing and in effect doing/allowing another. But, obviously, some here either enjoy the kabuki dancing or are so uncomfortable addressing issues that concern them that they would prefer to know but not know. If that works for them, I’ve got no problem with it, but it wouldn’t be my advice to others, which is what the OP asked for. </p>
<p>And, just for fun, I was looking at the topic of having strict moral stances combined with DADT and their impact. Do you know which state has the largest number of per capita subscribers to internet porn?</p>
<p>Lots of what ifs here. I am in the BTDT (been there done that) category. Here is what we did. DS came to visit, college sophomore. Brought along new GF high school senior whom we had never met. I told DS prior to visit that for the comfort of all separate bedrooms. Not a moral issue but his younger sister same age as GF is in the adjoining room and doesn’t want to overheat anything. DS protested. GF said not only would she be uncomfortable sharing the room she was uncomfortable even having the conversation.</p>
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Well, because it’s my house, that is the threshold to be met. I don’t determine what that means - my kids do. They are young adults, two of them completely independent, and they are free to make their own decisions regarding intimacy. We didn’t raise them to believe that sex was reserved for married people, but we did share our belief that sex is for people in a mutually respectful, caring relationship. To my knowledge, they’ve never done the one-night stand hook-up thing. And if they did, I would bet my IRA, home equity, and eyesight that they’d never bring a pick-up to our house to spend the night. And, because we wouldn’t be comfortable with that scenario, we wouldn’t allow it if they did.</p>
<p>I have no problem with parents wanting decorum observed in their homes even if they aren’t opposed to premarital sex. I’m surprised by the extent to which some people define morality in terms of sexual activity. I’ve never considered abstinence vs. sexual activity to be much of a moral litmus test - seems like setting a pretty low bar for morality.</p>
<p>after 6000 years of recorded history, Mankind has yet to resolve this issue. You’d think that one of the sacred texts would have a definitive answer.
:)</p>
<p>ditto everything frazzled wrote in post 88</p>
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<p>LOVED the type in this Ebeeee…made me chuckle.</p>
<p>In our house it would be “no”…and my boys know better than to ask. LOL</p>
<p>And…I agree with the post about having younger siblings in the house…that also would be an added reason for the “no.”</p>
<p>It’s just one of those things that I guess fall under the topic of the way you were brought up comes back to you. Unfortunately being brought up with the attitude that sex was never discussed. I thought it was bizarre and as a result I engaged in these talks early on with my kids. Sex was not something that they felt was taboo. The interesting thing is that my three sons are very conservative about sex and see it as an act of love. They have each discussed that they have never had a random hook up and have no desire to have sex in that way. My daughter is in a long term relationship so I don’t have a problem with the thought of her being intimate with the young man she is seeing. I would have a problem if she was with someone that she wasn’t in a serious relationship with. For any of my kids there wouldn’t be a problem for me if the young lady or young man they were with was someone I already knew and trully showed that their relationship was serious. There will never be any one night stands in my house or just messing around with someone they are dating, because they have no where else to go. Thats what a hotel room is for.</p>
<p>When there are younger siblings in the house I would NEVER allow shared bedrooms. I wouldn’t care if the older kid was 25 but someone in highshool should not be exposed to that in the parental home.</p>
<p>*How about this…call the parents of the visiting girlfriend…ask them if it’s OK for their daughter to share a bedroom with your son on her visit. If it’s OK with YOU and it’s OK with them…well…then…it’s OK.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>I had the same thought…especially when I read the post about the soph in college with the high school GF.</p>
<p>This should be a simple response, no. I would have never thought to ask my parents nor do I ever expect my children to ask. That is the reason for hotels where guest can stay.</p>
<p>whoops. obviously that was overhear…</p>
<p>one other mention, I sent the mother of the GF an email introducing myself and commenting that I wanted to reassure her that I would be home and would be acting as the hostess for their visit, was looking forward to meeting the GF, etc. (I also wanted to make sure she was informed…) GF’s mother sent back an email telling me that she wasn’t concerned and that her daughter was very mature for her age. Yikes…</p>
<p>We let our adult kids decide on their own sleeping arrangements.</p>
<p>And, by the way, it is silly to assume that just because you let them sleep in the same room, they will be having sex with you (the parents) sleeping next door. They are probably more concerned than you that you might hear something… On the other hand, if they want to, they will find a way, even if you put pieces of tape on their doors at night.</p>
<p>OK, shawbridge, I’ll bite: Texas?</p>
<p>The older my kids get, the less I’m inclined to conflate “sex” with “morality” of any kind. I see that they have their own strong moral compass and don’t need me to be vigilant. What a relief! (This reminds me of the discussions I’ve had with my friends of whether to tell your teen-age kids that you’ve done your fair amount of “inhaling” back in the day.)</p>
<p>^Haha, my guess would be Utah…</p>