<p>Romani–my D never had an engagement ring. She and her husband picked out a band in rose gold with small diamonds (pave setting). </p>
<p>I have a somewhat related question. (this thread has gone many ways, I could start a new thread, but hey, there is an audience here!!!)</p>
<p>My S has been in a relationship for almost 5 years that I expect to surely result in engagement in the next year or so. He recently told me that my mom pulled him aside and told him that “tradition” is that her wedding ring should go to a grandson to give to his fiance. And that she would like him to have her ring for his GF (who she adores). </p>
<p>Well, I have to say this totally threw me and I just am not familiar with this tradition! Is this a “thing”? I tend to not be on to trends like this. </p>
<p>Other questions:
- wouldn’t it be weird as a engaged girl to get someone else’s ring as your engagement ring? What if it’s not your taste? Especially someone who is still alive and close family???
- or is it typical to take this ring, and use the stones out of it for a new setting? Is that trend/tradition???
- is it weird that this happens when my mom is still alive? I guess I might understand it if she was not - don’t mean that in a morbid way, but it seems odd to me - her giving away her wedding ring (my dad died when son was a toddler).
-also seems weird that my S would just say, “it’s time Grandma!” and my mom would hand over her wedding ring. My mom is VERY giving and very, very family oriented so in a way I can totally see her doing this. </p>
<p>My S thinks this is a great idea and honest he is so practical and all that I think he is thinking this to be totally a sweet gesture but also a economical solution to a ring for his GF! </p>
<p>I just don’t know how I warm up to this thought. </p>
<p>"Something similar happened to me–not with my wedding ring, but another ring that H got me one Christmas. The ring had to be resized so I took it to the jeweler. PIcked up the ring and put it on. When I got home later in the day, I looked down and the stone (an emerald) was gone?? "</p>
<p>Years ago, I had a double-strand pearl bracelet that I took to a nice jewelry store to have re-strung (either Bailey Banks & Biddle or CD Peacock - forget which one). They LOST it. Just plain lost it. They wanted to give me something of comparable value but refused to pay for an independent appraisal (I’m not that stupid), so they wound up giving me the cash and I got my own replacement. </p>
<p>^ if it’s something your mom wants to do and your son likes the idea why not? </p>
<p>My mom gave her granddaughter her original engagement ring (she upgraded a few times.) She used the stone for an earing and my mom bought another stone so she had a pair - and they used the setting for the stone she picked. </p>
<p>I certainly have heard of a grandparent having a diamond set aside from something else for a grandchild to give to a fiance, but not literally taking the ring off her finger! I guess it depends on how your son feels about it. </p>
<p>My MIL has a pair of diamond earrings that she’s indicated she wanted to “break” and give to her two grandsons (my son and my nephew, who are around the same age) but no one really wants her to pass on before that happens!</p>
<p>Diamond earrings into two rings-- that’s a really neat idea…</p>
<p>No one has ever asked if I’m engaged rather than married re my ring. It really doesn’t look like an engagement ring, I think. And/or I am obviously too old, lol.</p>
<p>@abasket, I also have a ring that was passed down to me by my mother. It was my grandmother’s ring, and she passed away when I was very young. I was absolutely thrilled that my mom was willing to pass it down even though it technically was now her ring (she rarely wore it) - especially since H and I were planning on getting engaged in college, and he could barely afford a ring at all. We agreed to re-set the diamond, as I was not partial to yellow gold. However, we kept the setting style similar to the original ring. </p>
<p>For me, it even holds more meaning on top of the fact that it is a symbol of commitment, love, etc. In 5 years, the diamond will be approximately 100 years old - so it is an awesome heirloom IMO. My story is a little bit different, but none of us thought it was weird to have a ring that was previously worn. </p>
<h1>201 abasket</h1>
<p>I have seen every variation of this. I have had elderly relatives take diamonds off their fingers and give them to me when their spouses died, probably because they wanted to be sure the diamonds went to me and not one of my sisters or cousins. (sad but true) In that case, there is really nothing to say but “thank you” in my opinion. And to appreciate how much they appreciate you. My brothers were offered family rings to give their future wives. My future sister-in-laws had different tastes and picked their own rings instead. Guess who ended up with the family rings? I have also inherited family rings from my husband’s family. My mother-in-law is probably rolling over in her grave, but evidently the others all liked me. I don’t think anyone should be obligated to accept a family ring as an engagement ring. My son and daughter-in-law married while still in graduate school and were delighted with a family ring. She calls it the heirloom ring and I believe it was very meaningful to her parents that she has my son’s great-grandmother’s ring. They chose not to have the stones reset but could have. My daughter-in-law said it was perfect and the ring she had always imagined. Since my son had his pick from a variety of sizes, cuts, styles - that may actually be true. Someone questioned the idea upthread of giving a family ring in case the marriage fails. If my son and daughter-in-law break up, that ring will be the least of my concerns.</p>
<p>I think it is lovely your mom feels this way about your son and his girlfriend.</p>
<p>I think he should see how his girlfriend/fiancée feels. I think it’s a nice gesture, but, just personally, I would not want someone else’s ring for my engagement ring, even if it were nicer/fancier/prettier/older (and, normally, I love older, antique items, not just in jewelry but in general), etc. I think it goes back to - we are all different and have personal preferences. I would want a ring that my fiancé picked out for me - a new ring, not worn by anyone else or picked out by anyone else for someone else. It’s might be hard to explain, but just on a gut level, I am not at all a fan of family rings as engagement rings.</p>
<p>I think it may also have to do with the type of stone. A classic round diamond is like a little black dress, hard to dislike - but (IMO) emerald cuts and pear cuts are the type of thing where - you either like them or you don’'t. I happen not to (which is a reflection on my personal preferences only - more power to those of you who like / wear those cuts) and I don’t think I’d be happy wearing an emerald or a pear cut diamond every day for the rest of my life just because it was some family heirloom.</p>
<p>I will never be insulted if a daughter-in-law doesn’t want a family ring. When my sister-in-laws declined, essentially my parents gave my brothers the money to purchase a new ring as part of the wedding expense. Since our son was still in school when he married, living on a very limited budget with an uncertain employment future, we would not have been comfortable helping to buy a new ring. We felt we needed to be ready to help them financially if there were necessary expenses in the next few years. Without parental help, they couldn’t afford a ring. So there weren’t a lot of choices for them there.</p>
<p>My MIL had a beautiful ring that she left to her youngest granddaughter (the whole “you can only be sure of your daughter’s children thing”). The granddaughter is a lesbian in a committed relationship that might someday lead to marriage (lovely young women). We are all curious about whether the niece will wear or gift the ring to her fiancee someday. It is a gorgeous ring so it could go either way!</p>
<p>I had some extra diamonds. One was my first engagement ring- he didn’t want it back, although it was a family diamond in his family. One was my grandmother’s diamond and one was my aunt’s diamond. I gave the grandmother diamond to my daughter/son in law to use for her engagement ring. It is a gorgeous, old diamond (less than a carat) and they were thrilled to have it. I planned to give the aunt diamond to my son if the time should come, but I’m being careful about that.</p>
<p>It feels kind of like Pizzagirl said - the ring right off my moms finger! She rarely wears it anymore. My concern is not my potential future DIL having it, but sincerely WANTING it - that feels like LOTS of pressure to me - to accept or turn down!! </p>
<p>Also another thing to take the diamond(s) from it and not the setting. That seems more reasonable. But still, though his GF loves old things and antique-ish things, this feels like a lot of pressure to me. </p>
<p>I just want S to know that his GF could go either way with it. </p>
<p>Thanks so much for all your input!</p>
<p>My mom lost her engagement ring. She wore her mom’s ring for some years until it was accidentally discarded while brother cleaned her house. Since then, we periodically buy her nice cubic zirconia solitaire rings to wear with her 61+ year old platinum wedding band. That way, there’s no stress when the ring goes missing. </p>
<p>She has a LOT of jewelry she never wears or looks at in a safety deposit box. She is at a loss as to how she will distribute as values vary widely among pieces. </p>
<p>I have no idea what I would do or feel if offered the ring off my mom or late MIL’s hand. I’d be touched but agree there would be pressure to appear delighted, regardless of true feelings. </p>
<p>For folks who can’t afford at least a modest token between themselves, are they financially ready to be married and financially independent from bank of mom and dad? I’m hoping my kids will be financially independent of us before they marry–am I “old school”?</p>
<p>abasket, that would be my fear. </p>
<p>I don’t really understand the whole passing down to your son to propose thing. If that works for you, great! It’s not something I would’ve wanted, because really- I don’t like my partner’s family and it’s just setting us up for an awkward situation. I think it places a LOT of pressure on the young woman. </p>
<p>Passing down to your daughter or son is one thing. Passing it down with the expectation that it will be an engagement/wedding ring is a whole other story. </p>
<p>Himom, your last sentence sounds a bit classist and it assumes that A- everyone WANTS to give each other something for their wedding/engagement (not always the case) and B- that those who are “poor” are all young people (also not the case). Personally, I’ve never heard of giving your spouse wedding gifts. Certainly my partner will not be getting one (other than the very plain, cheap wedding ring he wants) and I won’t be getting one from him. We are financially independent and can certainly afford to give each other something, but that’s just not something we care about. </p>
<p>My grandmother’s diamond was given to me by my mother. Before she did this, she asked my other sisters and two of the three were fine with it. The third one was a little snarky with me about it. She was helped out by my parents with a real estate purchase when she had to sell her house because of a divorce agreement. Since the cost of RE was very high at the time, they sold her their townhouse for less than market value . Without the help , she wouldn’t have been able to afford to live in the area. She said to me that she would have liked to have the diamond and I told her that I would take the townhouse and she can have the stone…that quoted her down pretty fast.
My mother still has another diamond that is same size as the one I have. She no longer wears it since becoming a widow. She instead took my step-dad’s wedding ring , an anniversary ring he gave her and had them soldered together.
There is also a really pretty multi-stone diamond cocktail ring. No one knows what she has planned for those. I recall it was a small size , like 4-4.5 ….won’t fit the greedy sister</p>
<p>It wasn’t meant as classist but just that if they NEED their parents to finance a ring or whatever for their beloved, are they ready to be financially independent? If they choose no gifts, no ring(s), whatever, fine, but I am would be a bit concerned if I was expected to pay for my future inlaw’s gift or ring and wonder about their financial planning. </p>
<p>** History behind Xmonths salary for a diamond engagement ring**
<a href=“De Beers myth: Do people spend a month's salary on a diamond engagement ring? - BBC News”>http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-27371208</a></p>
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<p>I’m waiting for the ad campaign that dictates 6-months salary.</p>
<p>“She is at a loss as to how she will distribute as values vary widely among pieces.”</p>
<p>After my nana died (she had a lot of jewelry) my mom and her two sisters sat around a table and starting with oldest sister they each picked a piece until all the jewelry was dispersed. My nana didn’t specify who would get what - just that they were all heirs to everything. This also included property (several houses) land, etc. Some were sold outright and the money split evenly but there were several things they ended up owning jointly. One sister also was difficult and getting her to agree to sell anything was a battle. </p>
<p>Now that my mom is the only surviving sister she owns 1/3 of the joint possessions and my Aunt’s children each own a 1/3. One is an only so her she gets a full 1/3, but my other three cousins own their 1/3 jointly. </p>