Son's School Started Late - I'm Just Catching Up to You All

Parent Cafe
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<p>We dropped him off this past Tuesday (yes, Sept 18 – can you believe it??) and I got a quick email from him Wed morning: “I’ve met a few more kids. It’s gonna be great.” Yippee! My heart soared!</p>

<p>Yesterday, a brief phone conversation: “Well, I haven’t made any good friends yet. Yeah, I’m a little lonely.” My heart sank.</p>

<p>I’ve read all your advice: I know I’ll worry about this little comment for days and days, while he’s probably moved on. I hope. All the memories come rushing back, though – how he was not interested in making good friends as a child; how the activities he did were more important to him than the people; how people had to seek him out, instead of his seeking them out. OMG, what if he never makes any friends? What if he’s lonely for his four years at school? What if, what if, what if?</p>

<p>OK, I feel better. Seeing my over-the-top reaction to his tiny comment helps me put it all in perspective.</p>

<p>Until some other tiny comment comes along.</p>

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<p>:) You might have to change your screen name if you do this.</p>

<p>I can’t criticize, though, because I do the same thing. Remind your S that “best friends” aren’t usually made overnight. You don’t “make” good friends - you “make” acquaintances. Good friends come as you share experiences and develop a history. But your S’s ups and downs are to be expected. And there are many mothers of sons here who will be envious of your S’s communication with you! </p>

<p>My D has already been in school over a month, so it’s odd to think of your S just starting. But D’s communication has fallen off as she has gotten busier and busier. Not hearing can be a good thing, because she does tend to pick up the phone mainly when there’s a problem.</p>

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<p>Thank, Binx. Good words of wisdom. I did send him an email this morning telling him to go to any orientation activity that’s looks vaguely interesting, since that’s the way he’ll meet people. I then teased myself in the email: ("What DS hears: Mom talking . . . .blah blah blah . . . more talk . . . blah blah blah . . . ") so maybe he’ll take it in the right spirit.</p>

<p>We’re having our Empty Nesters Dinner tonight. I planned it so I could keep my mind off things and move on. Yeah, right.</p>

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<p>It can be an emotional roller coaster to get those good and bad phone calls. Boy was I spoiled by my oldest. Last year when he went off to school, all I heard for a year was how wonderful and great everything was. This year my youngest calls me from time to time to tell me his various tales of angst. I asked older son about this last week (“Why do you think your younger brother is so stressed out over stuff?”) He basically told me that he was stressed out a lot too, he just never told me. They all go through it, just some kids are more communicative about what they are going through than others.</p>

<p>Sometimes I do a worst case “what if” analysis. “What if” son fails XYZ class? Well, he will switch majors. Or he will take the class again. He may not go to med school, but he will have a happy productive life. The sky will not cave in. “What if” son hates his school? Well, he will switch schools. It may hold his graduation up a little, but he will eventually get a degree from somewhere and go on to a happy productive life.</p>

<p>Anyway, that sort of thought process helps me.</p>

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<p>VeryHappy - you are a riot!! If you lived in the Midwest, I think you, my sister and I would be great friends! Through all that motherly angst, I saw a fabulous sense of humor - don’t lose that, you are going to need it!!</p>

<p>My baby (a girl) has been at school nearly a month now. We get a joyous phone call full of descriptions of people she has met, positive comments she has received from a profesor, etc. Then a tearful phone call - there were things I didn’t know on the quiz; when I was playing a song in my lesson the violin professor said, “Oh, that not so good”; I am sorry I am crying, but I am just so tired. Then a phone call full of one word replies - How are things?-Fine. Have you made any new friends?-No. Did you sit with anyone at lunch?-No. Have you gotten any tests back to see how you did?-No. You get the picture. My husband and I are exhausted worrying about her!! I find myself with tears steaming down my cheeks as I take the dog for a walk - what is up with that?!?! I think these major changes are hard on everyone. My husband and I talk and talk and talk about it. We laugh about it (instead of crying - which we have also done!). What else can you do??</p>

<p>My sister and BIL also just dropped their son (oldest of their two boys) at school on Tuesday. She left feeling very good about things. He was a nice dorm room, his roommate was very friendly and polite, etc. Then she will get a call where some of his comments caused her concern. She has turned to a large bag of M&M’s as her drug of choice.</p>

<p>I have a wise friend in her early 70’s. She has three grown daughters - one went to Duke, one to Rice, and one to Northwestern. You think times would have changed and she would be out of touch, but she is always hitting the nail right on the head. She said that each of her girls probably took the better part of their ENTIRE freshman year to truly get acclamated. She says to not expect it overnight. She says the intensity of the work and homework load will be like nothing they have ever seen and it takes them time to come to grips with that. She also says that friendships come slowly. Remember it took them YEARS to really know their high school friends - what each person thought was funny, what one would tolerate and another wouldn’t, etc. Wise woman. </p>

<p>I love the “what if” senarios doubleplay runs through her head. We do similar type of mental gymnastics. It does help. If she is unhappy there, we will go get her! Simple as that - she didn’t sign in blood when she accepted the admittance! I also try to run a “gratitude list” through my head when we are feeling sad about D being gone, sad that maybe she hasn’t made as many friends as WE think she should, sad that she didn’t do as well on a quiz as she would have liked. I try to run over and over in my head how thankful we are that she is smart enough to go to college - how many would love to have that priviledge and don’t have the brain power to do so. I am very grateful that she got into the college of her dreams - how may kids would give their right arm to attend a school such as the one she is attending. I am also very grateful that we can afford to send her to such a school - I have many friends who didn’t save, or just simply could never afford to send their kids any place but localU or at most, stateU. When I think of it that way, I scold myself as to why I would ever let a single tear fall. </p>

<p>Your incredible sense of humor, intense love for your son, and maybe a truck load of M&M’s will get you through it!</p>

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<p>HI Veryhappy,</p>

<p>I hope the move in went well.</p>

<p>Your son is still going to orientation as classes do not begin until wednesday, and the upperclassmen, who are not UGAs, trip leaders, woking orientation, or are there for pre-season start moving in today (leaving shortly to drive chicky to school). </p>

<p>He is still going to have plenty of opportunities to meet friends especially amongst the freshmen as other activities are still taking place. There is no way that he is going to go through all of his 4 years without making some really great friends. </p>

<p>I’ll remind you of this posting when you have wall to wall kids at your house and you will laugh at yourself when you realized that you worried over nothing. It really is going to be ok.</p>

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<p>Ah, thank you, all of you. I know that everything you say is true, which is why I posted it in the first place. If I truly thought there was a problem, I’d – I’d – oh heck, I have no idea what I’d do!</p>

<p>His life is hardly crummy, I know – he has a great room (oh no – a single! Was that a mistake??) and is already playing with the rugby team (oh no – it’s almost all upperclassmen; is he going to miss out meeting freshmen and going to Orientation activities??) and he’s smart and athletic and good-looking (Oh no! Does he think it’s all going to be really easy for him??). So I really do know it’ll all be OK. Even better than OK.</p>

<p>We want The Best for our children, and when even something teeny tiny bothers them, we want to rush in like Mama Bears and make it all better.</p>

<p>Sigh. I’ll post again when I hear from him again. Which, hopefully, will be a happy conversation!</p>

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<p>We too had a late drop-off and my D has been at school for one week. Classes haven’t even started yet, which I think is 1/2 the problem. She’s been really up and down, culminating this afternoon in REALLY down, tears and all. What’s she upset about…she doesn’t have a best friend yet. Now I know and you know that 7 days with all new people is not likely to result in an automatic best friend, but its a relationship she’s really missing today. I’ve spent much time reassuring her that this is all normal and she will find her group, but in the meantime to just go out and meet as many people as she can. Which, I must add, she has been doing. I just feel so far away and impotent to do anything but listen, sympathize and offer suggestions and support. She’s our baby, and a young freshman at that. I’m sure that once classes start, and she gets involved with clubs etc. that all will be fine. But this afternoon my heart breaks for her.</p>

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<p>runnersmom,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I gave my mom sort of the same phone call at about the same time when I went off to school. I eventually ended up with several “best friends” and we still get together to this day. However, it didn’t happen immediately. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, saying a little prayer, that your daughter finds her group soon. Sometimes you just have to wait for the best things in life, but the waiting is full of doubt and fear.</p>

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<p>runnersmom: One thing I learned early on which helped tremendously- you are not there to SOLVE your Ds problems, you are there to help HER SOLVE them. So, give yourself permission not to have all the answers and instead, find out in each call- is this a call where she wants to vent and wants sympathy- you then listen and try really hard ot let go of the emotion your feel when you hang up or is this a call where she wants a solution and you can then do your best to provide a sounding board, play devil’s advocate, and generally help her see the pros and cons so SHE can make the best decision.</p>

<p>One of my Ds utilises my services all the time, her sisters make fun of her for being “too needy” but her Dad and I agree, “needy D” makes excellent decisions and who better to help her figure out the best way to handle difficult situations (roommate issues, study abroad issues, bank & bill paying questions, coach & team issues) than the people who know and love her. She could make the decisions without us, but they would not always be as well-reasoned. Her sisters are beginning to learn that it is not a bad thing to call and ask for input- heck I still call my sisters when I am too involved in a situation to be certain I am seeing things clearly.</p>

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I may have to begin self medicating.</p>

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<p>S is taking first semester courses he picked himself, not the ones to which I’d have “gently guided” him. So it just makes me crazy to hear him say that they are not challenging or that Professor Soandso is narcissistic. (If he had bothered to look at that site where kids rate their professors he’d have found that out…in spades…BEFORE registering.)</p>

<p>It’s tough but necessary to let him learn all this on his own. He’s bright but tends not to think things through. Sample recent conversation: Son: I found a bus I could take home for $60 round trip. (Amtrak is $200). Me: Great! From where does it leave? Son: Wow, I don’t know.</p>

<p>AARRGGHH.</p>

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<p>HeliMomNYC, this is what they do at this age. This is what we did at this age. This is why they’re not yet out there on their own entirely yet. This is how they’ll learn things!</p>

<p>I have a friend – uh, acquaintance – who is totally on top of everything her two boys do – and one is now a sophomore in college and the other a freshman in college. She’s practically monitoring their bowel habits, for Pete’s sake. She’s aware of when their orchestra practices are, aware of who they need to speak to to get rehersal room time, aware of what papers are due and what reading they have, and when it’s all due. IMO, this is NUTS. How will these kids ever learn to take care of things themselves if Mommy is always telling them what to do?</p>

<p>Let your son learn from his mistakes when he’s 18, so he won’t make bigger mistakes when he’s 28 or 38 or 48.</p>

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<p>"She’s aware of when their orchestra practices are, aware of who they need to speak to to get rehersal room time, aware of what papers are due and what reading they have, and when it’s all due. "</p>

<p>That has got to be one miserable lifestyle. How exhausting (and stressful- after all, she isn’t there, has no control. All she can do about it is obsess and worry). Why would anyone willingly choose to live this way?</p>

<p>The most liberating feeling in the world is when I lay in bed at night and think to myself, “ain’t it wonderful to not have to keep track of other people’s schedules anymore?”</p>

<p>That and having my house stay clean are the two biggest perks of having both my kids away at college!</p>

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<p>I couldn’t agree more.</p>

<p>She’s also given up her own profession (she was a research physician at a highly renowned teaching hospital nearby) – ostensibly so she can travel with her husband when his job requires it. (He’s also very successful in an entirely different profession.) </p>

<p>To reiterate – this is nuts. A little concern is a good thing, a few suggestions are a good thing. Micro-managing them from 1,000 miles away is a bad thing.</p>

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<p>VeryHappy: My heart goes out to you because I’m very similar. Join the mothers-of-sons club!</p>

<p>I’m going to say something that is almost (but not quite) opposite what everyone else has. </p>

<p>My son is quite passive. (He almost went to the school l assume your son is at; ha, I could have motiviated him, maybe, to look your son up.) His single is at the end of the hall. His sister has great ideas of how to get kids to come to his room. (She always has the chocolate room. She’s one of the hyper-thin people always eating chocolate. Grrr. Anyway, no one else wanted to keep the chocolate, for obvious reasons, so evereyone came to her. Voila. Instant social life.) He didn’t want to follow any of them.</p>

<p>Guess what? No one comes to his room. You know what? It’s okay. He drifts to theirs, or oozes to their, in his low key way.</p>

<p>His friends from HS smoked grass on Sat. nights and played poker. He won’t try drugs (Yea!) and won’t play poker for money (yea) so he finally found guys like that, but they were the nerdier kids. The “cooler” kids would have included him, but he didn’t want to be involved; so kids very good friends at school, not so much out of school.</p>

<p>My point? Now Sat. nights kids go to parties and get drunk, or at least drink. S doesn’t want to, so he roots around for something else to do. Sometimes finds it, sometimes doesn’t. Sometimes goes and doesn’t drink. Whatever.</p>

<p>I guess my point is this: If your son has always had some difficulty finding friends that may persist. My son has always been passive and a little different. That also probably will persist. They may stay exactly who they’ve always been, but they will also learn a strategy to make that work for them. I think that’s what adulthood is all about. In HS there aren’t many models of how to be a successful person. In college, and then even more in life, there ae many, perhaps an infinite number. </p>

<p>Just tell him any way he’s doing it is okay, and that it may take him longer than it APPEARS to take others to find his way. Tell him it’s okay to be himself, wherever that takes him. Then probably all will be well.</p>

<p>PS My son is content with a social life that would make his sister miserable. She flits around NYC like a monarch butterly. DS needs to make a lot of time to practice the violin. He is quite happy with his more quiet sort of life. I tell him it’s fine; that nobody’s watching. (He’s impish and says that’s not true. D is watching. Haha.)</p>

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<p>About the hypervigilant overinvolved mom: Poor thing must be so bored. If she has the mental acumen and energy to build a career like that and after she walks away from it has no where to put it, her poor sons maybe her only engrossing outlet.</p>

<p>I say, thank god for other interests besides our kids. Everytime DS talks to me I chirp on about something that has to do with my college students, or something I’m teacher. I can hear the relief in his voice that I have something to think about besides him and how much I miss him. They are going to give me the academy award. I swear they are!</p>

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<p>Yay!! Spoke to son. Son is good. </p>

<p>Going to “some stupid mandatory date rape lecture tonight.” </p>

<p>Great rugby game yesterday. Played really well. </p>

<p>Has selected six courses; will meet with advisor tomorrow; will then select (or be assigned??) three of them. </p>

<p>Hanging out with “the kids on my floor” because “we all really get along really well.” </p>

<p>Has a mother ever been happier than I am right now?</p>

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<p>Yaaayyyy!!!
I know you are on cloud 9! Celebrate! (I’m imagining the Snoopy dancing cartoon).
Thanks for keeping us posted!</p>

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<p>Hi VeryHappy,</p>

<p>It looks like your son is finding his shmob :)</p>