sounded like the grinch

<p>I think I sounded like the grinch and I'm second guessing my parental comments. </p>

<p>My oldest daughter who is very generous at times called this morning (really early) and wanted my opinion on giving away an item I gifted her a few years ago. It was a moderately expensive item bought when money was scare and I worked hard to get it for her. She wants to give it to a friend of a co worker, she doesnt know the individual. Only the story second hand from a co worker. It isnt a survival item like food or clothing or money for housing, transportation or medical attention. But an item to help the person she doesnt know start a business. I tried to get the back story of the girl, but my daughter didnt know. </p>

<p>Initially I was hurt that she was considering the item that I worked so hard to see that she had. But I didnt say that and got past that. My big concern and the one I expressed to her was that in the past she has been impulsively generous with her time, efforts and "stuff" and has been taken advantage of numerous times. On these occassions she was hurt and regretted her actions. Felt foolish, etc. I tried to gently remind her of these occasions. I also told her that I admired her generousity and sweet nature but that I thought ppl often saw that as an opportunity. </p>

<p>I ultimately told her that the item was hers, and she was free to do with it as she wanted. But I thought she should get another opinion/ perspective. I dont know, did I sound like the grinch or a concerned parent?</p>

<p>Concerned parent from my read!</p>

<p>My guess, if she asked your opinion, she is having second thoughts.</p>

<p>Your response sounds like a perfect combination of concern, understanding, respect, and self-control to me. What a great parent you must be.</p>

<p>You sound like a concerned parent to me (another parent). I don't know how your D took it!</p>

<p>IMHO ... for a young person, a gift of time is best. It's only when an individual gets older that s/he has enough experience to know whether a gift benefits both the the giver and the recipient.</p>

<p>If it was my daughter, I'd respond "I'd prefer you'd keep it until you're twenty-five or so. After that, feel free to do with it whatever you wish."</p>

<p>It doesn't matter how you sounded. She asked for an opinion and you gave it to her. Personally, I would call her back and tell her that I'd rather that she kept the item instead of giving to someone she doesn't know. You are her mom and I think you can be honest with her. Tell her how hard it was for you to purchase the item and you would rather she held onto it for now.</p>

<p>I can think of a few things we've given our kids that would cause us to feel hurt if they wanted to give it away--even if they never used it any more. I think it's not about what it cost, but more about how happy it made you to be able to give it to them. If my daughter wanted to give away her clarinet, I wouldn't be hurt, even though it cost a lot. We bought it because the band director thought she needed a better one. If she wanted to give away the guitar she yearned for, I'd feel quite different.</p>

<p>Your D may be sensitive enough to ask you before giving the item away because she knows you worked hard to give it to her and that you might feel badly about her just giving it away. Is this something she can still use, or sell? Is she self supporting? If the answers are yes and no, I would tell her honestly how I feel.</p>

<p>My mother gave us some stuff a long time ago (baby clothes I think) and asked a question implying that we shouldn't give the stuff away. I think that she wanted us to save it for our grandkids. I hadn't thought about that but I had a young parent's perspective. When I was young, I didn't think that much about the sentimental nature of items though I am normally a packrat.</p>

<p>Your thoughts on an item are different from hers at this time - if you give a gift that you feel she should keep, then you should make this clear. It is good that she talked with you about it beforehand giving you a chance to express what you want.</p>

<p>I know that my wife would probably be annoyed if I gave away something that she bought for me as a gift unless it was completely worn out, used or of a utility nature. Scratch the probably.</p>

<p>You sound like a concerned parent to me. I think that you framed the issues quite clearly for her. </p>

<p>Is this an item that she might herself need in the future? If not, then I wouldn't have qualms about donating it to someone who could use it. If yes, then I wouldn't want to donate it to a stranger.</p>

<p>You don't sound like the grinch to me, either! I have a child who has the same issue you are describing. He is impulsively generous with his time and efforts and has absolutely been taken advantage of and it hurts me as his mother to see this happen repeatedly. I have tried to let him "see the past" so that he doesn't repeat this behavior endlessly.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone - I appreciate your comments.</p>

<p>Good comments to your D about her being taken advantage of. She needs this in her filter when making decisions. I'm really curious about the item, I can't imagine what it could be from your intriguing description. Definitely hope she keeps it, if not it was only a thing, not irreplaceable like honor et al.</p>