My number is ihigh because, in addition to the friends, I’m part of 2 meetings where they like to go out after. Yikes, one is weekly. I usually beg off that one
I’m glad you understand my dilemna. That helps, in itself. Thanks. I’ll have to decide.
The other thing that’s difficult about going out with a group for me is that the bill is almost always split by the number of attendees. I don’t really mind but I don’t drink…not a cocktail before dinner, generally not wine with dinner (would never choose it but sometimes have a splash to be social/toast) and don’t drink coffee/cappuccino/espresso afterward. I also tend to eat pretty lightly so my salad or entree only and water ends up costing me $$$ once I share in everyone else’s drinks, extra courses and after dinner drinks. Like I said, I generally don’t mind but, every now and then, I feel kind of bugged by it and question attending an event.
But, like @deb922, sometimes another social plan is made during these kinds of dinners and, while no one means to exclude, you don’t necessarily hear about the next social event if you weren’t at the first one.
I’m part of a group of about 10 women where this dynamic often occurs. Fortunately, at least when we’re celebrating birthdays, sometimes we now go to one person’s house and bring dinner in with people bringing bottles of wine and cake. I really appreciate it when we do this.
Sorry for the tangent. I wanted to be successful in last year’s freeze but, IIRC, I really wasn’t. I think I’ll try to focus very specifically on “mindless” spending this year.
@lookingforward , can you suggest another activity to get together with your friends? Or suggest a much cheaper eating activity? There are a few brewpubs/bars here that have games to play. A Saturday morning walk at the botanical gardens?
Or order lots of food, and take all the leftovers home!
Or take the server aside and ask for a separate bill. When they start collecting, just wave your bill in the air and say you’ve got your share covered.
I like Marilyn’s idea. The people taking advantage of you seem careless or thoughtless. No way you should be financing their drinks. It’s hard to believe they don’t notice how little you are ordering in comparison to them.
Of. Course they notice. So many articles have been written about this. I always ask for my own check when I’m not with a close friend.
Next week, someone arranged a HS luncheon at NM. I can attend for an hour, but then have to return to work. I won’t drink. I’m sure others will hang around for longer.
Leaving a little early and getting your part of the check taken care of might work…asking server ahead of time to keep yours separate so you can do it.
We do always get separate checks. It’s one thing we check before reserving. And we often do have generous leftovers. Sometimes 2 days worth. Lol, sometimes it’s more.
I checked the menu and have some light options.
I split bills when I eat with friends but would only expect an even split if we are having about the same thing. I would for sure never expect an even split if I was having a cocktail (fairly likely) and they had iced tea anymore than I would expect an even split if I had lobster and they had a salad. I’d rather split it fairly so I don’t feel guilty if I want something extravagant and someone else does not. SIngersmom’s idea is a great way to handle it - you could say you have to leave early right at the start and ask for a separate check (then even if you don’t leave early you will have a separate check.
Or get new friends (joking - kind of. They have to be aware you are paying more than your fair share).
Interesting about the bill splitting, something I never thought about. We always, always have separate checks. Apparently that’s the custom here. Couples don’t even sit next to each other but the waitress figures out who goes with who. And it’s not that service is great where I am, something I had to get used to when I moved here.
I know we’ve had this conversation before and that separated checks is different in other parts of the country.
Have you spoken to your friends about the cost? t’s possible others are feeling the same way.
This year DH and I are trying to keep track of our expenses. Even though we don’t have a mortgage, it’s expensive to live in our house – taxes, insurance, maintenance, heating, etc. – and even though I love where we live right now, it would be much less expensive to move. We have to wait to see if S2 has any plans to leave where he’s been living for six years now.
I suspect we’re going to discover that we (well – that DH) spend a huge amount on “eating out” – DH is big on picking up a sandwich for lunch, rather than making it at home, and that is usually $10 per sandwich. But we’ll see what this shows.
I created a fairly thorough Excel spredsheet to track all this stuff, which suits my anal personality just fine. 
I go out every couple of months or so with a group of women. If someone is having a birthday, we split their check. We generally split the rest evenly, but some of us will have a drink or two and others don’t. Those who do, which usually include me, pay 5 or 10 dollars extra and have the non-drinkers pay less. It just seems fair.
H and I go out for dinner with one couple quite a bit. We usually split the bill. Lately, we have been taking in and eating at their house as they have an adult son who is disabled and it allows them not to have pay for coverage for him. H and I like the son and enjoy his company, so he usually joins us for dinner. If he does, we split the bill 60-40 and whoever likes the leftovers most, keeps them. This solution also saves us on wine and beverage costs and allows us to relax during dinner without worrying about having to finish up so the table can turn over.
We also go out with two different couples a lot. With them, we often get separate checks. When we don’t, one woman (the math geek doctor) checks the bill. If it’s close, we’ll split it and if not, we’ll each pay our couple’s share.
For this year, I have resolved to eat out less as part of my freeze. I am also not upgrading anyone’s phones. If they want a new phone, they will pay cash for it. I once tried letting them pay me off monthly and it lasted about two months. Never again.
Similar to @abasket, I’m taking on some home refresh projects. Small things, looking for maximum ROI (joy & function) & only buying if it’s a good or great deal.
Last night, I surfed for a new duvet cover to freshen up one room. There were the duvets I liked best — then there were many that were “good enough” and at a fraction of the cost.
Going for “good enough”!
Three options…
- ask for separate checks at places where they will do that...and many will!
- Master the fine art of getting a fabulously expensive appetizer and dessert. That usually balances out drink bills.
- My friends know I haven’t shared their bottle of wine or whatever...and usually let me know my share is less. Maybe your dining friends will do the same.
^^Yes remember that long thread here on CC about bill splitting. It seemed very regional. As a non-drinker and someone who considers price when selecting a meal I would be “out of dodge” in any group where we would split equally!!
Whoops, I do drink, but not when I have an afternoon of patients.
I can understand why it’s easier to split a check with a large group. Everyone here on CC seems sensitive to inequalities on bills, but I don’t find that so often IRL, except with closest friends.
I don’t mind an even split with a close friend or two. It balances, over time, one way or another. But for a larger group, harder to ensure the wait person gets a good tip. All these dining friends are aware and volunteer if they feel they ran a higher bill.
Sometimes, I think we have to be the first to suggest sep checks. One friend and I started taking each other out for a birthday lunch. It got clumsy trying to figue out how to balance what the other had spent, last time, or what level of restaurant it had been. En route to my last bday lunch, I said, let’s celebrate, keep this tradition, but pay our own. She agreed. Easy.
One group I go to dinner with regularly does a pass the bill around and everybody puts in what matches what they ate/drank and add on tax and tip. Sometimes this works great and sometimes once everybody is done we are short and people start putting in extra money. It is a group where we frequently eat unevenly (somebody will just have a drink or an appetizer and others will have dinner).