That first person you want to rush tell things to definition fits my mom and dad’s relationship. When she died, he said that is what he missed. He saved up little tidbits to tell her all day: funny things, frustrating things, embarrassing things. I’m sorry to say I don’t have that. I did, but not any more.
This is making me analyze my marriage. I think at a certain point he stopped listening to me but I continued to listen to him. I got used to it and moved on. I stopped sharing. I’m pretty introverted to start with. Maybe I had a window of being more open when I was younger and it closed.
Don’t worry about us. We have other ties that bind. Hey, we are making it through this 24/7 togetherness of Covid!
@Lizardly – “Maybe I had a window of being more open when I was younger and it closed.”
Nah. Everyone builds their own walls. It’s a slow build but can also be a fast tear down. Once you decide to let someone in and share experiences the easier it gets. I’ve been finding that if I WANT friends I can have them–but it’s up to me to put forth the effort.
I find this to be true but I’m very selective (probably too much so) and most people just don’t meet the criteria I set for very good friend material. Best friend role is taken by the husband already.
I guess if it bothered me, I’d change it. The reality is, it doesn’t bother me too much.
DH definitely my best friend. I suspect he would say the same about me.
I have some close female friends but my “best” friend passed away several years ago. I miss those conversations.
And I have a lot of “aquaintances/light friends.” What I’d like is more people in the middle, but I don’t see that happening so much when we’re stuck at home these days.
I’m lucky to be friends with three other moms whose 31 year old kids were in kindergarten year together. We sometimes go months between being able to get together, but we all keep trying to make it happen (no, not now, sigh). They’re supportive, honest, hilarious, and warm-hearted. And profane? Why, yes! I just adore them!
My husband and I, on the other hand, have sometimes been terrible to one another. We’re both only children of immigrants and are the products of violent homes. We’ve been friends since high school and together as a couple since summer between freshman and sophomore year of college. I’d say we’re allies on top of being friends. Even when things have been wretched for one of us or between us, we’ve pulled together for each other or the kids. It’s been brutal at times but we kept holding hands and somehow found a way to laugh during the worst of it, so I’ll say bestie.
Sorry about your son’s breakup and the hit it is for him as well as the rest of your family. Hope things get better for all of you soon.
One of the best things for our marriage eons ago was learning about love languages and being willing to learn each others. I’m a time person. H is verbal and touch. He learned to spend more time with me, even if we’re each doing our own things in a room and I learned to give him hugs and tell him I love him even if I thought it should be obvious. Now we’re fluent in each other’s language so we don’t even have to think about it.
We made sure our kids knew about love languages when they were teenagers. People going out with each other automatically do all of them, but once life settles in, it’s important that the other half still feel the love.
YMMV There is no single solution for everyone. I’m relating what worked well for us and some others we know.
Interesting comment about love languages, @Creekland. Sunday morning when I went to make a cup of coffee, I found a post-it on the cabinet above the Keurig that read, “Give a hug and kiss!” with a big smiley face. The note made me feel bad, like it was a desperate cry for affection from his icy wife. He is touchy, I am not. I’m leaving the note up there as a reminder.
H is the person who has been in my life the longest, but I am not that for him. He still has friends from kindergarten and earlier. I asked him if I was his best friend and he said, “what do you think? Of course you are.” We’ve had our differences over the years, about big things, like fidelity and not so big things, like paint colors, but bottom line is, we are a team.
I have girlfriends and guy friends, but nobody that I would lay my life down for other than H.
My kids are my loves, but they are not my friends, they are my children.
After our last couple of moves I reached out to people in our new neighborhoods, at church (when we attended), and even joined some groups although I’ve never been a joiner. In every case, most of the women I met commented that they either were too busy for new friends or had enough friends already, or said they didn’t (and didn’t allow their children) to become friends with someone of a different faith.
When we lived in FL, religion never came up and was not an issue. It was much easier to make at least friendly acquaintances / casual friends. Since then, we’ve encountered a stunning number of people who’ve said things like not wishing to be (or having their children be) “unequally yoked.” I wasn’t proposing marriage, I was just looking for some casual friends to chat about local events, new restaurants, books, even the weather. I didn’t dare suggest playing cards or drinking alcohol until I’d heard the other person mention it.
The area where we plan to move now that H is retired has a fair number of military and retired military personnel. There’s also an Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at a local university. The population is more diverse there, so I’m hopeful.
I think spouses are more likely to be best friends when (like us) not living where there are “roots” of family and school pals. When years ago my dearest college friend/roommate lived in my town, I probably would have said she was my best friend. After we moved, we had to focus on work (where most of our coworkers were male) and kids … became even better friends. This works fine for us, but I do worry that when one of us passes away the other will be lost without spouse or best friend.
Lol nope. Not as fast as @MaineLonghorn, but it was 7 months between first date and engagement. And our first date was bar hopping and later H had to pick up my drunk roommate from a frat party sobbing hysterically because the guy she liked hooked up with someone else. And our next date, H got gas, went to pay and realized he had no cash. He left me standing at the gas station while he went to find an ATM. It’s a wonder we made it. But I am in charge of the finances!
My niece was best friends with her husband first- and there was the whole wondering if it was worth losing the friendship if it didn’t work thing. Turned out okay though .
Was talking this weekend with someone who has a male best friend and was just thinking what if? She’s not physically attracted to him, but they vibe well in all other respects.
As far as myself, we were engaged 8 months in. I was a college freshman and he was 24 and ready to settle down. Now that my kids are around that age bracket I cringe a little but we are working on 25 years now Maybe we’re best friends, we don’t spend a lot of time one on one with others. He does have a male best friend and I guess mine would be my sister or daughters.
In my senior year of college, I was in an informal engineering student study group with 5 transfer students (who I did not know junior year). We were all friends, but pretty quickly I had a crush on H… we were dating by late Oct. I took him to a roommate’s wedding in January. We did not get engaged to the next Nov, but we felt strongly enough about the relationship to get a job in same company / smallish town.
For us, it was four years between meeting and marriage. We definitely didn’t think of ourselves as best friends during that time. We both fell head over heels madly in love right from the start. Those early years definitely would not be described as, ahem, friendship.
Our first date was in January at a Navy Ball. I though he was a snob and had no interest at all in more, but he had money from his aunt/uncle ($50/week) and offered to take me out to eat often. Back then the dining hall specialized in “mystery meat,” so I figured, why not?
That led to hikes, long walks, and talks. We opted to go on Spring Break together down to FL after a sailing trip for him got canceled due to Chicken Pox. He came to me with a minute by minute listing of our trip - including when we’d be at rest stops for bathroom breaks. I took one look at it and walked it over to a trash can tossing it. He begged to still go anyway - however I wanted to travel. I relented, but the travel was absolutely my “Type B” way doing what we wanted as we wanted.
From that point on we were close friends. We were married in August - the same year we went on the first date.
He definitely changed. I didn’t marry the snob I went out with. His senior year of college (the year before we dated because he took 5 years to finish his engineering degree) he was voted “Most Likely to Get Shot by Your Own Troops” in the Senior Superlatives. No one who knows him or meets him can believe that now. On our long talks we delved into many issues and fairness is one of my biggies, overriding letter of the law. It was one of his before we married too. He also learned to tolerate spontaneity and to this day I still plan all of our trips - consulting with him, of course, but I do the research and make reservations.
Before he asked me out on the first date I’ll admit I didn’t know who he was. He had seen me, I hadn’t even noticed him. I went on the date out of curiosity - hadn’t been to the Navy Ball before! Best decision of my life in hindsight - that and being wooed by money/dinners out.
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Maybe we’re best friends, we don’t spend a lot of time one on one with others. He does have a male best friend and I guess mine would be my sister or daughters.