Spring Break! Have they asked? Will you agree?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I concur with WJB and JrPar. I have to admit none of this ever came up in my house with either kid in senior year. I think the senior year spring break unsupervised long trips are something that are common in certain communities or parts of the country. I have heard of kids from suburban areas in other states who have done this. It is not a rite of passage or common AT ALL where we live. Even so, I would not have approved. It has nothing to do with controlling and restricting them in high school, and then them having problems when they reach college. Rather, I don’t think we have to let kids do these things earlier and earlier to get “ready” for the next stage of life. To me, when they are still living at home and are under 18 and in high school, there is still a degree of “supervision” if you will. While the kids might go off for the day or stuff like that, they don’t yet go on unsupervised trips for a week out of town. To me, going off to college, IS that “break” when they begin to be on their own. There are “readiness” things that lead up to that but it doesn’t mean that we have to let them be totally on their own on unsupervised trips also while in high school. </p>

<p>My oldest child went on summer long trips the last two summers of high school, one across the country and one in Europe but these were SUPERVISED. There were small blocks of time when the kids could go some place for a few hours unsupervised but that was it. My kids have flown alone for years but they stayed with someone at the destination. The past two winter breaks, my youngest D has gone to FL on her own but NOT UNSUPERVISED when she got there. She stayed with friends. There is no way I would let her just go to FL and stay unsupervised while in high school. I know this sounds weird given that when I was a senior in high school, I went to Florida with a friend (earned it myself) over winter break and stayed in a hotel swarming with tons of other unsupervised teenagers. I grew up in suburbia and I think this type of thing as seniors must be common in those communities (again, not here in my rural area). I do recall it being a bit wild and free with boys and all the rest. </p>

<p>I think there are many ways to ease kids toward this type of independence but I don’t think it means letting them do the things they are gonna be doing once they get to college, only sooner. There are little “steps” in working up to that type of independent travel and such. Also, this has nothing to do with trusting your kid. It so happens, particularly with my oldest kid, she is extremely responsible and trustworthy, but I would not be comfortable letting a high schooler go on an unsupervised vacation. I think there is a time and place for everything and we don’t have to start sooner so they will be ready later. </p>

<p>Now, here I am…you could say I was “restrictive” according to Zagat’s opinion anyway…but now that my D is IN college, I would let her go on unsupervised vacations. That is because she is now leading an independent life. (and no, Zagat, she is not now going wild cause she has all this freedom which I did not afford her back in high school)…anyway, I am letting her drive 4000 miles to Alaska this summer with two childhood friends. Yes, it is an enormous step for ME as a mom to let my child do this but I feel she is now an adult, living on her own, basically, and it is time. Maybe Zagat would say what’s the difference 10 months earlier or whatever…but for me, there IS a difference, she is now no longer living at home and is in college and that step has come. There were earlier, and way smaller, steps like once they drove a car, they did more without supervision (talking day or evening things) and that was a big step (my second one got her license a month ago and this IS a major change to do more without an adult along for the ride, both literally and figuratively). But again, the biggest break, is going off to college, and then even more independence is afforded them. </p>

<p>I don’t think I owe my child a chance to vacation unsupervised while still in high school. I guess I should be thankful that such an idea never arose, lol. Some things are worth waiting for or earning the privilege of passing into another stage of independence. This type of unsupervised group trips seems more appropriate for the college aged crowd than the high school one. </p>

<p>Perhaps I am over protective but just witnessing what happens at teenage parties where no adult is home for just one evening (my kids are not allowed to but I read enough stories even locally of such disasters), I can’t imagine letting them off in some far off place for a week with no supervision. Just my take and it is not a reflection of not trusting my own kids but more to what I feel is appropriate for certain ages. I don’t need to get them “ready” for college by letting them do the very same things in high school. We can work “toward” that stuff in high school. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>Great post, Susan. :)</p>

<p>Maturity happens at different time for different kids, too. My own will be barely 17 when he graduates. Others in his class are almost 18 now. </p>

<p>Won’t a lot of your seniors be trying to make college decisions on spring break? What about class projects and AP exam studying. I don’t remember my d’s spring break being so fancy-free.</p>

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<p>You are exactly right ASAP. I know that our Spring Break will be filled with serious discussion and decision making. Maybe these are all happy ED campers?</p>

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<p>Since DD was on the younger side of college freshmen - she pretty much knew not to ask to go to the party-hardy spring break flings places her first year in college. (Interesting note, her roomy did just that with a crew of her pals - several of them got arrested one lovely day on the beach, car towed, kicked out of hotel, etc… you get the picture - ended up pretty expensive for all of them.) So instead - DD did an awesome thing - she spent $100 bucks and went on a college sponsored eco-kayak trip to the everglades for 10 days - just a bunch of students - no ‘older’ staff, and had a fantastic time - a trip to remember in her words. No objections there at all.</p>

<p>Now in her sophmore year - she has decided on her own not to do the party hardy spring break fling on her own - didn’t even consider it. She is heading for the mountains to snowboard and ‘hang out’ with a bunch of boarders from other schools - another great and fun choice.</p>

<p>Just a note - we won’t allow her out of the country without a passport (ya we know that not all places require them, but…) and she hasn’t applied for one yet, so… very happy MOM here lol.</p>

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<p>Susan, you make great sense and I agree with you completely about the virtues of being a “restrictive” parent. My current senior is going on a school band trip to Disneyworld for the first half of her April break (which will probably be excessively well-supervised because of the underclassmen who are also going), and will have to re-visit a couple of colleges during the second half unless her final decision is made earlier. Even if she had no plans, she wouldn’t ask to do an unsupervised spring break trip as a senior, because the answer would be an unequivocal “no” and she isn’t one to waste her breath. She has our enthusiastic blessing to do a road trip this summer with 3 friends, provided she pays for it herself. (We’re going to give her a hefty percentage, but she doesn’t know that yet.)</p>

<p>For us, it’s partly a money thing and partly a “how dumb do you think we are?” thing. Yes, we could spare the money - but we made it through 4 years of college without even the most fleeting thoughts of a trip at spring break. School vacations were for going back to the hometown job in order to generate more money to stay IN school. We don’t see spring break as a necessity or a fact of life or even as a valuable aspect of the college experience. For a high school senior - forget it.</p>

<p>Mindless drunkenness and associated moronic behavior are what spring breaks in beach towns are all about. (I’m obviously not talking about community service trips here.) I’m not gonna pay for that. My oldest d paid her own way twice, but is passing it up this year to come home to finally have her wisdom teeth out. (Does this mean she’s all grown up?)</p>

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<p>my daughter came home for freshman year at spring break, her younger sister really missed her. However that was the last time- generally she stayed on campus/in the Portland area doing classwork &/or short community service trips with classmates- building trails etc.</p>

<p>My younger daughter would LOVE to go somewhere to snowboard. We have not had any snow all winter that is worth writing home about- many of the ski resorts in washington have been closed for some time :(</p>

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<p>Susan - thank you for articulating so well the issues involved here. </p>

<p>Islandmom, your description of spring break week is even worse than what I had in my mind, but I think you’ve highlighted the risks involved in these types of trips involving large packs of unsupervised kids.</p>

<p>One of Susan’s sentences really hit the nail on the head: “I think there are many ways to ease kids toward this type of independence but I don’t think it means letting them do the things they are gonna be doing once they get to college, only sooner”. It’s a fact of life that college kids and high school kids drink - but as a parent we don’t have to endorse this and make it easier for them. There are lot of things my son will be able to do in college next year, but that doesn’t mean he can do them now while living at home - if you follow this logic, I guess I should let his girlfriend sleepover in our home, let him help himself to beer out of our fridge, roll a joint in our family room, stay out til 4:00 a.m., etc. Don’t think so.</p>

<p>I also think it is at the very least naive to say that those who are most restricted in high school go the wildest in college or that if a kid “learns to drink” in high school they are somehow innoculated from the perils of heavy drinking in college. The sad truth is that those who are drinking heavily in high school will drink even more heavily in college. There have been several published studies showing that the odds of alcoholism increase dramatically the earlier a kid starts drinking. In our area, a very large percentage of high school kids are drinking. That doesn’t mean as parents we need to enable this or in any way make it easier.</p>

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<p>My daughter approached us last summer–just before her senior year. She asked her dad, not me and he said yes.</p>

<p>Upon further investigation–they are going to a resort and will have their own room.
There will be a family there of one of the girls, just not in their room.</p>

<p>I have spoken with other families, most of the girls are going with several friends, and there is at least one mom, if not two going with each group.</p>

<p>I don’t know what the boys are doing. There are several varsity sports teams here that cannot go on spring break because they have games. (My daughter and her friends are not doing sports second semester senior year–not to be critical–I don’t think that they will be missed.</p>

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<p>Meredesfilles, I think it makes a big difference to have a family/parent of one the girls at the same resort - even if at some distance. At least it would to me!</p>

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<p>My first response was NO!</p>

<p>Then I started asking around, and found out that there would be a parent with each group.</p>

<p>I am concerned about drinking, because she is 18. (Can you drink in the Bahamas at 18?) But drinking has not been a problem so far. I gave her the speech. Let’s hope that it works.</p>

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<p>I would say yes if a parent was at the same resort.</p>

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<p>With respect to inculcating independence: we have left our D home alone for a few days several times, when her schoolwork or ECs prevented her joining us on brief trips; she’s driven alone many times to events (concerts, plays) outside our city; she’s traveled with her team & her choir with minimal (according to her frank accounts!) supervision; and we have no curfew. In the past two years she has begun making and driving herself to medical appointments, maintaining & washing the car she drives, etc.</p>

<p>This sort of approach seems to do prepare a kid well for independent living – without the major expense of an international trip, solo, to a destination chosen primarily for the hoardes of teens who will be there, all participating in excessive self indulgence. (Obviously, I would completely support a Habitat trip…) </p>

<p>I am reluctant to give my kids “too much, too soon.” In our affluent community, there are kids for whom a “normal” weekend involves dining at restaurants that most people would qualify as a “special occasion” place; who at 16 are given a new vehicle most would classify as a luxury car; who have $150 jeans, etc. </p>

<p>My thought is: what will these kids do for an encore?! How special is a special occasion later in life going to be if similar events are quotidian by the time you are 12? How about if the kid does not meet or exceed his parents’ standard of living? How about if he can’t provide what he now considers “normal” things for his own kids?</p>

<p>I have seen indulged kids who never learn how to be happy. I am more worried about this than I am about international travel per se as a rite of passage. We have a great life, but live well within our means and skip many extravagant trappings. We drive our cars till they die. I consider a beat up Volvo (ours, not hers) great for a kid to use (so does she.) And she and I have never used “recreational shopping” as a bonding event or a time-killer.</p>

<p>If extravagances are important to my kid she’ll earn them on her own eventually, and they will be all the sweeter. She is a nice, grateful, creative, responsible kid and I have no doubt she’ll handle the freedom of college well, plus have a happy life whatever her financial circumstances.</p>

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<p>This is probably one of those situations where each parent will make a decison based on thier own view of the milestones around growing up. I admit that I’m really not a fan of following the laid out map of “you’re in college now, so you must be ready” or “you’re not in college yet, so you’re not ready”. I’ve decided to use independent judgement for my son…and make decisons based on personal milestones I see him achieveing, as opposed to a collective milestone of all 17/18 year olds who are suddenly college students on 9/1/2005. </p>

<p>Then again, I hate using maps…and prefer to navigate by sight…it helps improve my sense of direction based on my own instincts. I just prefer things that way. I admit that it’s a different approach…and not something that I recommend “testing” when they’re 17 if you haven’t been using such an approach all along.</p>

<p>The reasons given here against allowing seniors to travel without adults seem quite varied : financial, concern about alcohol, giving them too much too soon, losing the big moment “right of passage”, etc. Those who support the trips seem ot have a “why not?” attitiude, which means that the aforementioned concerns are not at issue in such homes. I don’t think the parents who don’t agree with the trips are super-restrictive due to that decison. I trust that everyone has a good reason for the personal choices in their home, with the relationship they have with their teen being at the forefront of the decision-making process. And, again, I don’t think there’s a “all kids must” solutions. It’s interesting to see how much these opinions vary.</p>

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<p>SBMom - you’ve identified another one of my objections to the trip (the la-di-da factor), and very articulately described some of the problems involved in trying to bring up kids in an affluent environment. My son did expect that he would pay for this trip, using up most of his savings from last summer’s job. Of course that would have meant that he would have had that much less spending money in his budget when he heads off to college, indirectly shifting some of the cost to us.</p>

<p>It’s not easy being the parent of teenagers! Sometimes I long for the days when we all worried whether they would learn to share and play nicely with others.</p>

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<p>"(e.g. a boat? a case of tequila? a room full of swords? a porn collection and a giant jacuzzi?)…okay, I’m paranoid!! "</p>

<p>…too funny!!! Thanks for the laugh.</p>

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<p>I went to fort Lauderdale for Spring Break in 1975 as a naive, more or less non-drinking, unsupervised HS senior. A mad, bad time. Much as Islandmom describes. If my parents had a five second view of what went on they would have fallen over dead.</p>

<p>I survived it, but it wasn’t the time of my life. </p>

<p>S1 asked if he could go to Miami beach with friends. I suggested they break it up with half the time in a more sedate beach town–at family condo. Who knows if he will get it organized. His phone is turned off due to lack of payment. Sigh.</p>

<p>Next option is for him to go to New York for four or five days.</p>

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<p>Just an added thought- would your answer be the same for a son as it would for a daughter?</p>

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<p>Sluggbugg-</p>

<p>“(e.g. a boat? a case of tequila? a room full of swords? a porn collection and a giant jacuzzi?)…okay, I’m paranoid!!”</p>

<p>LOL. Wow, I think I’ve finally met my equal in terms of worrying :)</p>

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<p>Oops, sorry Momsdream! Changed my mind and deleted my post. You get my drift, though. We have really pushed out our boundaries, lately. I guess, I’m inclined to support you in letting him go. :)</p>

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<p>sluggbugg, I’m in your corner. </p>

<p>My internal voice seems to always want to say no to these requests immediately. But my d is mature enough now to know better than to intentionally get herself into situations which are obviously not safe. Since she’s still at home and still 17 I still check into the logistics of her requests but I can see that I’ve got to start giving in a little more. Within reason.</p>