<p>My child is coming home for spring break. We love and miss him so much, but realize that he’s really starting to live his life and start his path. He’s our first. I’m looking for advice as to how to build a positive adult child-parent relationship. I remember coming home from college and getting all kinds of subtle messages from my parents - any thoughts?</p>
<p>Find activities to do together. It is hard to come home from a 24/7 lifestyle and then sit around the house for a week.</p>
<p>Good idea!</p>
<p>Make your expectations clear. We told D when she got home that there were a few things we hoped she would do with us, and at least one or two things she had to do (e.g., a fitting for a bridesmaid dress), but otherwise her time was her own. We’d just appreciate a heads up if she would be out for dinner, with friends, wanted to borrow a car, etc. </p>
<p>And try not to freak out because although he told you he has some school work to do, he is clearly not doing it … Enjoy the visit!</p>
<p>and try (what we didn’t do) to not even measure the way-out-of-whack biological clock that th seem to have!</p>
<p>Why not let him show you some of the new skills he has? </p>
<p>Give him family money to do the smaller midweek grocery shop so he can pick out new foods or chips/snacks he likes that you might not know about. Give him your list but tell him to dazzle you with a few new things, too. Get back the exact change; he’s used to careful money accounting now with others. </p>
<p>Have a taste-test comparison of popcorn. Let him pick out a movie everyone might like and settle in to watch it together. See if he’ll take on one meal, shop and cook it for the whole family (Don’t complain whatever it tastes like.) </p>
<p>See if he feels like doing a one-day project to help the house. It’s a nice change-of-pace to do something tactile after all that studying. Sometimes my kids took on a one-day task, including: painted a bathroom; built a piece of furniture we needed in one of those store-bought assembly-kits; assembled a new bicycle with a younger sib. Other things that might have appeal: organize old boxes of family photos or documents; help you cull through old books/magazines to fill boxes to donate, where he drives and delivers them on behalf of the family. </p>
<p>Let him see a glimpse of what you’re doing in his absence. If you have new projects, mention them. You both have lives. If you’re taking care of your health or going to the gym, share all that. Young people like to know their parents are taking care of themselves and each other and aren’t falling apart in their absence. If you’ve read a new book lately, talk about it. He’s probably read a few himself. </p>
<p>Maybe he’ll meet you near work for lunch. In addition to all the home-based meals, I always was sure to have at least one daytime meal or snack/beverage at a cafe outside the house, solo with each home-visiting child. Getting away from all the old triggers of home put us on more equal footing and felt mature. </p>
<p>Suggestion: If your son learned how to do laundry on campus, don’t go back. Tell him you want to see how he does it, applaud, fold with him, but DON’T return to being the washerwoman/dumpster, if you ever were. It will only regress him. YMMV (your mileage may vary) but to me there’s nothing nostalgic about doing laundry for other people who can do it themselves.</p>
<p>If there’s any household purchase decision (buying a new appliance, car, whatever) maybe he wants to help research or advise you on features.</p>
<p>My kids were always proudest of their computer skills, and helped me bring my setup up-too-speed in some way when they returned home. It’s their generation’s pride and something they can teach us. </p>
<p>Other than that, I told them I knew they had been working hard so the first several days were sleep-in. They really needed deep sleep upon arrival; after 2 days they were human again. So if there are relatives in the area who want to drop in, wait that a few days if you can.</p>
<p>For us, the best relationship development happened when we let each kid take some new leadership or responsible partnership role within the household. Then they could show new ways they had each matured. Think of it more as if you had an out-of-town young adult cousin visiting, rather than your child. </p>
<p>Then just take your cues as they come. A lot of times you’ll just notice them handling things differently, with a mature flourish they’ve acquired by being on their own. When it’s a pleasing difference, say so! They’ll appreciate that compliment.</p>
<p>I think those days of nagging and monitoring are OVER. Good for you to think about finding new common ground. It won’t all come in the first year, but it’s on its way now that you’re open to it. :)</p>
<p>D is currently home on break, sort of. She spent a day and a half with us before going to see her boyfriend for a few days. As soon as she got back, one of her college friends arrived to stay here until they fly back to college together. So as far as alot of one-on-one time, and meaningful conversations – not really, although we have discussed what business we needed to, with a minimum of fuss. We did have dinner out her first night home, and we have a special outing planned for tomorrow night. But clearly her idea of fun on spring break is more about friends than parents.</p>
<p>She is changing; I see the difference now, much more than I did at Christmas. Her focus is shifting away from parents/home as the center of her universe – a healthy development in view of her extreme separation anxiety in the fall. She is, it seems, beginning to build her own adult life now, and I keep reminding myself that, after all, that was the goal of the last 18 years. When we’ve seen her, it’s been really pleasant just hanging out with her. I haven’t felt the need to remind her about looking for a summer job (she brought it up), or ask for too much detail about college life beyond what she volunteers, or nag/advise about much of anything, really. Perhaps it’s because my ailing parents are taking most of my mental and emotional energy these days, but I’m finding it easier than I expected to let D manage the details of her life without my input. She seems to be doing a pretty good job of it. In any case, it’s been relaxing and just nice to be with her this break.</p>
<p>I think my time with my son is over. He arrived home at about 11:30 on Wednesday night after a late flight from Chicago. Was extremely tired because he had been up for days writing papers and studying for finals. Got about 10 minutes of nothing with him Wednesday night. After a nice long sleep - yesterday was fantastic. Hubby took off and I left work early. Weather in Jersey was fantastic - had steaks and fixings on the grill and just ate and talked and of course watched the Basketball Tournament. But I think our time together is done. A couple of his best friends are coming home for break today by about 2 pm and he’s already told me he is going out and probably sleeping over one of their houses. I just enjoyed my time with him yesterday and will enjoy him coming and going over the next week.</p>
<p>My S rolled in last week after 11 p.m. left some clothes, picked up more clothes and was gone within thirty minutes to his roommate’s house to spend the night in prep. for an early a.m. Spring Break trip. He returned this past weekend late Sat. afternoon, went out that night with friends and left for school at 4p.m. on Sunday. He did have lunch with me on Sunday. Enjoy your time together but don’t be surprised if it’s not the number one priority on your student’s list.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your perspectives. I know that your thoughts will help me to be open minded.</p>
<p>My friend’s son was home last week. He spent about a half hour in their house in total. Most of the time was spent out with his friends that he doesn’t see while in school. She was a little melancholy about it, but since he is her youngest she understood that this is the way it is. I can easily see this happening next year with my own S and envy those who will have it different!</p>
<p>Try not to put too many demands on his time or make him feel bad because he doesn’t spend all of his time at home or doing things with you. That’s just going to make him feel guilty and resentful and give him a bad attitude about the things you do together. It should be a pleasure, not a requirement for him to spend time with you. You’ll both be a lot happier if you grant him a little space to organize his own schedule. </p>
<p>Plan a few special things for you to do as a family like dinner out or at home, shopping, a visit to a museum or a park, or dinner with family friends. That way, he’ll be clear about what is family time and what is friend time and can really devote himself to both. </p>
<p>If you plan to have rules about curfew or car usage, be clear about those from the start. </p>
<p>Most of all, just try to patient with each other. Your relationship has changed and you’re both still trying to feel out where the boundaries are and what the ettiquette is. Don’t stress about doing it perfectly the first time.</p>
<p>Reading the posts that followed mine, I realized a big difference in our situation. Our two older kids did not go to highschool in this community. We moved here after they started college. Their old friends nearby number ZERO. We started encouraging them to bring college friends home so they’d have more fun. Those newer friends all sleep here and are off-center/don’t know their way around, so our house is a main focus. I lend them my car for the week and rideshare as needed with my husband. I never realized I had it so good.</p>