<p>This is the first 1600 character essay. Please read it and tell me what you think! I personally don’ like it and think its disorganized, but its only a first draft.</p>
<li>Of the activities, interests and experiences you listed previously, which is the most meaningful to you, and why? (~1600 character limit)</li>
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<p>I can’t imagine any job for a teenager that can quite measure up to serving as a Congressional page in the House of Representatives. Maybe there are, but I wouldn’t take any over working on the House Floor. It has made me the person I am today by shaping my views and opening my mind.</p>
<p>Debates and opinions are always raging through Capitol Hill. When 10,000 people protested outside of the Capitol for immigrant rights, I volunteered to work late so I could listen to debates on controversial immigration legislation. Topics of visas and amnesty brought flames to both sides of the isle. Being an immigrant myself, I listened attentively and learned about immigration policy that questioned my previous beliefs. The House once designated a 10 hour session to discuss the War in Iraq. There were passionate speeches and strong opinions on the war, shedding light on many views and informing me on many positions. That day deepened my understanding of the current situation in Iraq and broadened my attitude.</p>
<p>With Republicans holding the majority in Congress at the time, I was exposed to many ideas that were new to me. Observing the compromise and cooperation that occurred between the two parties, I was inspired and began to see the reasoning behind conservative policies regarding such issues as immigration and the war. Through my experience as a Congressional page, I became more aware of the diverse opinions of different people. The new views that I gained have become an invaluable part of who I am.</p>
<p>What did YOU do specifically that influenced/changed you?? I mean, it’s a unique experience at all, but I really don’t see how you got changed.
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<p>When, how did you get inspired?! It seems way too fluffy and in the air to actually get a grasp of who you are. Anyone who had your position and sat in on Capitol Hill probably could have written this essay. Where is your mind?</p>
<p>Sorry if this means tearing apart your essay, but its got a long way to move…</p>
<p>Um, a quick comment, I guess. These two sentences need a transition between them: “Being an immigrant myself, I listened attentively and learned about immigration policy that questioned my previous beliefs. The House once designated a 10 hour seeion to discuss the War in Iraq.” </p>
<p>Also, about the “many views and many positions,” I’m curious as to what they might have been. I don’t doubt that you have had many eye-openers about the war in Iraq that many teenagers would not have, but…I’m not totally seeing how there could be different sides to 1)pulling out and 2)keep fighting.</p>
<p>My writing tends to get boring, I know. What suggestions would you guys suggest to make it more interesting? What should I concentrate on? What techniques? Description? Detail?</p>
<p>Description. and Detail. Haha… There’s gotta be SPECIFICS you can talk about, i mean, it’s in your CC name. Cut the intro and just talk about something that makes it known that your job was such. The rest should kinda fall out.</p>
<p>when you start drafting your essays, a good rule of thumb is never to explicitly say things like “it changed me” or “this is part of who i am.” the purpose of writing an essay is to indirectly prove that. if you were to cut every generic reference to your metamorphosis, you’d be left with half your essay, and a good deal of space to insert more details</p>
<p>There’s nothing here about what YOU did as a house page. Did you argue politics with fellow pages? Did you agree with the congressman or woman you worked for? Did you change your mind about immigration after listening to a debate?</p>
<p>The best sample essays I’ve read usually pick one small anecdote and run with it. Can you pick something that encapsulates what the experience of being a page was all about?</p>
<p>Just as an example way back when I worked on capital hill. The story I always tell is about the day I signed 100s of letters with the Senator’s name on them because my fake looked more realistic than the automatic pen. It’s made me a bit of a cynic about the place ever since.</p>
<p>um… it sort of sounds like you’re bragging when you directly say “I listened attentively …” and it sounds… false. just saying what comes to mind.
and more on that sentence… “I listened attentively and learned about immigration policy that questioned my previous beliefs.” – you need to be more specific. good luck :)</p>
<p>hahahhaha we all thought virt was kidding when he said he had a twin.
I’m a sophomore in college pozzibly. I’m on da sdc now.
CF = chopinfiles, a dead piano forum.</p>