<p>I don’t think you should ever feel obligated to buy a gift for someone, particularly one that you aren’t close with. Even if there was a level of closeness in the past. </p>
<p>On a different note, I pretty much hate baby showers, particularly ones before the baby comes. They are…lame. Nothing like adding a woman who feels as large as a small house and is hormonal and has to pee every 30 minutes being asked when the “baby is due”, “what are your names”, blah blah blah. Add in the stupid party shower games. Not fun. At least for me. </p>
<p>Babies are way more fun. How many yellow and green layette items can you buy for the parent that doesn’t know the gender? Besides that, I have found that most parents get way too much stuff for newborns and not enough for when the babies are a bit older.</p>
<p>A good friend gave a small coed baby shower for me with good friends. I had a great time. I also loved being pregnant and never felt better. :)</p>
<p>Teri, these people sound intensely annoying. I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to ignore them. Your D will continue to have whatever relationship she wishes with their D, and you can continue to grind your teeth and throw their junk mail solicitations in the recycling. :D</p>
<p>FWIW, it doesn’t sound as if this invite was meant as a gift solicitation aimed at you. More a courtesy invite to our D, coupled with laziness in not finding her address.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why you are ranting about this. </p>
<p>My take? The girl now lives in Indiana, which is apparently not where you live. Her mom has decided to throw D a baby shower in D’s hometown on a visit. This is not exactly unheard of. The mom sent an invitation to your D, care of you. Now this may just be because the mom was too lazy to ask your D’s address on facebook. But it may just be because she figured the only way your D would come was if she happened to be at your house when the shower is happening. </p>
<p>She sent it in c/o you. In my world, this means that the sender has no objection if I open the letter for my D. Maybe the mom lives in the same world I do. </p>
<p>In any event, it wasn’t meant for you and your D has already sent a present. Why are you complaining?</p>
<p>When a person does something unexpected… we can choose to assume that the person acted with good intentions or we can assume that the person acted with bad intentions. </p>
<p>I find it a lot easier to go through life assuming that invitations and announcements I receive are sent with good intentions, not bad. When I send out invitations or announcements for important events involving me or my kids, I am not intending to solicit gifts – why then should I assume that others who think that I am significant enough to be on their mailing list are harboring a desire to receive things from me? Certainly I am not wealthy and have no history of being unusually generous or creative with gifts – in other words, anyone who knows me well enough to be inviting me, probably should anticipate that my gift-purchasing inclinations fit into the “yet another toaster” for weddings. </p>
<p>When my son got married I wanted all my friends and relations to know, because it was a BFD, not because he and his bride needed presents. When my grandson was born, I wanted all my friends and relations to know, because it was a BFD, not because the kid needed a bigger layette. (Lord knows, they’ve got way more baby stuff than they possibly have room for in any case). When my daughter graduated from college, I wanted all my friends and relations to know, because it was a BFD… not because we wanted money. </p>
<p>Maybe my intentions aren’t so benign – maybe I’m leaning toward being bragging (after all, the grandson is the clearly the cutest baby in history)… but the point is, all I ever wanted were congratulatory notes and confirmation that said baby was indeed the world’s most adorable. </p>
<p>Thank god for Facebook, because it at least made it easy this year to get the messages out without the printed invites. Everyone on Facebook knows that announcements are to be made via status updates, and that the appropriate response is to click the “like” button, and perhaps post a comment. </p>
<p>Though I’m sure that some people are certain to be miffed when the only word they get of an impending marriage, graduation, birth, or funeral comes via Facebook…</p>
<p>My daughter lives 1500+ miles away and has for two years. She made it clear to her friend that she wouldn’t be home to attend and sent her the gifts. </p>
<p>In C/O to me, means please pass it along to the person it’s addressed to although this is not her permanent address - it’s actually the permanent address of the person it’s in C/O. It does not give me permission to open anything, which is why I called D to ask her what she wanted me to do with it. And while I suspected D was going to tell me to open it, had I opened it, then called her and told her what it was, I think she would have been irritated with me. </p>
<p>And, I’ve never heard of mothers throwing baby showers (or any kind of shower) for their own daughter. I can understand if a mother offers up her residence if someone else wants to throw the shower and doesn’t live in a convenient place, but it my world, showers are given by friends and/or extended relatives. I have never been invited to any shower that was given by the mom and have never heard any of my friends mention being invited to one.</p>
<p>Again, if this family did not have an extended history of only being in contact when some sort of gift or donation is involved, I would not feel so annoyed. I’ve never gotten the impression (because they’ve never made any effort) that they (the parents) could care less about any type of relationship with us. What the girls do is between them and I’m sure D1 will continue to maintain some sort of friendship with the friend as best as can be done over the miles, but that doesn’t obligate me to do the same with the parents and/or their other kids.</p>
<p>I just can’t even imagine sending out an invitation to something for either one of my girls to this girl’s mom when I’ve not seen or talked to her in eight years. She was the kind of mother D1 only put up with because she was her friend’s mom and knew if she didn’t, it would be their friendship that suffered.</p>
<p>Calmom - I have nothing against bragging! And it’s a shame that sometimes the only way to do it is through invitations. But I think that is changing with social media these days. Again, if invitations to special occasions were the only thing we’d gotten from them in the last eight years, I’d probably let it slide, but it’s all the ancillary stuff thrown in (such as mission trip donations) that puts it over the top for me.</p>
<p>Interestingly, D1 is a very private person and doesn’t like it when I brag about her on my FB, so I don’t. D2 doesn’t really care one way or another, but if you asked her for an answer, she’d probably prefer that I not brag about her on FB (she has told me before that it is creepy when I do so, and people she’s never met comment). So I save it for the big, big things. People that are close enough to us to really, really care will know about the achievements they’ve made through word of mouth.</p>
<p>Calmom - I actually look forward to the day when I might have those sorts of things to brag about, but it is not in the cards right now. </p>
<p>I remember when I found out I was pregnant with D1. We had moved far away from family and friends about three years earlier, and at the time, the only real mode of communication was by snail mail (long distance was too expensive for us). I really did not want to sit down and write out a lot of letters to everyone, so I went to the local Hallmark store and found a package of postcards with a cartoon rabbit on the front, laughing. On the back of each one, I just wrote: “The rabbit’s not laughing anymore. He’s dead.” Then I wrote in that we just found out we were expecting a baby and when the due date was. I heard from several people that they loved getting the announcement. So it was my way of bragging.</p>
<p>Even the way you understood it, it was clear that the invitation was for your D. You weren’t being invited to anything. </p>
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<p>I have been to such a shower. I’ve heard of others. Among the Evangelical Protestant community in my neighborhood, they seem to be the norm. I am not normally invited because I’m not part of that community but I did get invited to one because the young woman in question was friends with my D in junior high. </p>
<p>Most of the neighborhood kids have grown up and moved away. The kids in the Evangelical group often have low paying jobs in ministry of some sort. So, money’s in short supply. They come home for a visit and mom holds a shower. Most of those who attend are friends from church who will do the same for their own kids.</p>
<p>Emily Post may not approve, but I don’t think it is a bad thing to do. Every group has its own customs.</p>
<p>er… I didn’t think it was in the cards last year for my 26-year-old son. You know all that money you donate to Planned Parenthood? Apparently the whole contraception message didn’t get through to my son and his then live-in girlfriend. Sometimes the baby comes along as a big surprise… at least at first. (Usually by the time it actually makes an appearance, there’s not much left to be surprised about.).</p>
<p>Honestly… I never in my life thought I was going to be a grandma in my mid-50’s. Life doesn’t always go as anticipated. </p>
<p>Which is one more reason not to sweat the small stuff.</p>
<p>Don’t understand why people are being unkind to teriwtt. These folks have hit her up for donations enough times that she is sensitized to it, and whether or not the invitation was sent to her or via her to her dau, her reaction is totally understandable. These folks sound like schnorrers. Those folks rub people the wrong way. </p>
<p>As I have mentioned, I have in-laws who are moochers. They have had a long history of looking for handouts, and take advantage (severely) of the kindness of others. My DH is the soft touch, but has finally gotten disgusted with it and has stopped giving and giving. The wife recently had her umpteenth probably unnecessary surgery. The husband, as in the past, “mentioned” to my DH the name of her <em>favorite</em> flower shop, from which she just loves to get flowers. In the past we have sent flowers after he dropped this not-so-subtle hint. So have other family members. This time DH just said “that’s nice”. The husband mentioned it AGAIN in the conversation. Thank heavens my DH AGAIN responded with “thats nice”. When people like this make us hit our saturation point, it often doesnt matter whether they are asking for 45 cents or 5 million dollars. The reaction is the same. I totally get where teri is coming from. Let her vent with out lecturing her. Lighten up on her. Really.</p>
<p>The reason they’ve continued to “hit you up” for various causes over the years?
You’re rich! Evidence: You took their D to Hawaii!
Don’t take it personally. I know some of these types of people. They don’t take it personally when you ignore them, either. But it is worth a stamp just in case you might give them something.</p>
<p>I agree with this observation. This family fits that description to a ‘T’. The friend’s H is a full-time minister at their church. But those are choices they made… please don’t continue to hound me for money only (like I’ve said umpteen times, there’s been no effort to maintain any kind of friendship on the parents level) when it’s obvious you are not interested in any relationship outside of these events that occur in their lives. </p>
<p>My H was in grad school when D1 was born, and was a post-doc when D2 was born. I can guarantee you we were making less money than this young couple is, but it never occurred to me or my mom to go back in the address book and see how many old friends we could scrounge up out of the woodwork. And we certainly didn’t ask people to support our travel expenses (what people are basically asking for when soliciting for mission trips)… we never expected it for one second. I remember it being a huge, huge deal, when D1 was outgrowing her bassinet and I was talking to my mom on the phone, telling her I’d been looking at garage sales for used cribs. She called back a couple of days later and told us she and my dad wanted to buy a new crib for D (money wasn’t an issue for them so they could have easily done this). So we went to Toys 'R Us (the closest one was over an hour away) and spent $100 on their cheapest crib and new mattress. Despite having two young kids, we also never had a playpen. To this day, I never really saw what the need for one was. Didn’t have it, didn’t need it. I did have two baby showers… one back in my hometown that my two sister-in-laws hosted for me, and another one back where we were living that some friends from H’s grad program gave. So I did get some stuff, but we never once expected that people would supply us with needed items because we didn’t have the money. I knew of a few relatives that might send stuff after the baby was born, but even that ended up being way beyond what we expected. </p>
<p>When my first niece began having children I might have gone a bit overboard with gift buying, but her husband was a new med school graduate and starting his residency. I knew how strapped they were for money, having gone through it ourselves. I talked with H and we both felt incredibly moved to send them something above and beyond what most relatives would send, because we understood their situation. But these are relatives that I see and maintain contact with. They’ve never asked us for anything; in fact, when showers were thrown for her (both bridal and baby), I never received an invitation. It never occurred to me that I should since we lived so far away. In fact, when baby 3 was born over a year ago, we gifted them with three months supply of baby formula when they started to introduce formula around three months (H gets a huge discount at work). She told me it was the best baby gift they ever got. I’m not stingy with gifting people that we love and care about and who obviously show they care that we are in their lives. </p>
<p>But don’t get married, go on mission trips that you can’t afford on your own, get pregnant and send out invitations/gift solicitations to people you’ve made no attempts to keep in touch with unless it involves having them spend money on you. I don’t care what your religion is.</p>
<p>And don’t buy expensive meals or camera equipment, take luxury trips to resorts in the caribbean, buy a new car, cellphone or high end bicycle, send your kids overseas for several weeks in the summer, cry “dirt poor” and then expect people to agree that you need maximum financial aid. Whoops, wrong thread ;)</p>