Statute of limitations/outgrown friends basically requesting gifts

Parent Cafe
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<p>D1’s best friend through middle school and part of high school (although they attended different high schools) got married three years ago when she was 21. Their friendship kind of grew stagnant toward the end of high school and throughout college due to different friends, distance, different focus on life after high school, etc. Her friend has three younger siblings. Several times after this family moved away from our town, we’ve gotten stuff in the mail, asking us to donate toward mission trips for one or two of these kids. A couple of years ago, we got a series of solicitations from the friend herself for a mission trip to India. I always ignored them.</p>

<p>When the friend got married two years ago, we were invited, but the wedding shower and wedding were both on dates when I was out-of-town, the wedding being on the day we took D2 to her first semester of college. I did send a congratulations card to them. D1 was already back at school, too, and could not attend.</p>

<p>When D1 and this friend were going into 10th grade, we surprised them by offering to take her friend with us to Hawaii for a week and a half during the summer… we were going because D2’s children’s choir was participating in a major event there and we knew D1 would be bored to death while her sister was off doing choir stuff. This was a huge deal that they let her go… the week before we left, her parents dropped by our house and left us a list of scripture verses that they use to make parenting decisions (one time this mom chided D1 at Target when D was buying some teeny-bopper pop music, telling her that listening to ‘suggestive’ secular music, such as Cher, is what led her to get pregnant when she was 17 - she gave that baby up for adoption). This was not a friendship I wished to invest any more time in after they moved away, but the girls did have a fantastic time on the trip to Hawaii and we all have fond memories of it. </p>

<p>When this friend was going through a rocky time with her parents (they were incredibly, incredibly strict and doled out punishments like candy) and D1 and I often wondered if the friend was ever going to try to run away, I told D1 that her friend was always welcome in our house if she felt she could no longer live at home. I don’t know if D1 ever told her friend this, but it was an acknowledgement that she was more than just a good friend… she was like family to us. But in over ten years now since high school graduation, I think I’ve seen her once. </p>

<p>So D1’s friend is pregnant, and due in a month. D1 told me when we saw her this weekend that she sent her friend (who lives in Indiana now) a gift already, a nursing gown for her friend and an outfit for the baby. But no… today, an invitation arrived in our mailbox for a baby shower in two weeks (addressed to D1, but in care of me) although D2 lives in Boston and had already told her friend she would not be home to attend the shower. And the shower is being given by her mother at their church. The mother is facebook friends with D1 and could have easily asked D1 for her address in Boston. But she sent it to me. Arghhhhhhh…</p>

<p>I just want to scream. I’ve done nothing to encourage any friendship with this family, but do support D1 in whatever kind of friendship she wants to maintain over the miles and considering that I don’t think they’ve seen each other since her bridal shower over three years ago. </p>

<p>About a year ago, this mom tried to facebook friend me twice, and I ignored it. Interestingly, it was right about the time she started selling Mary Kay. </p>

<p>I guess I’m just looking to vent and am hoping to hear stories that make this one seem tame.</p>

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<p>Last summer I got a bridal shower invitation for my cousin’s son’s fiance’s shower. I haven’t seen my cousin since my mom’s funeral over a year ago, I’m not sure I would know his son if I bumped into him, and have never met the fiance. We live 1000 miles away so it was very clear we weren’t going to be attending this shower. I was planning to ignore it, then I felt guilty so I purchased a SMALL gift card. Before I mailed it, we got an invitation to the wedding. So I went back to the store, had more money added to the card, and mailed it along with a congratulations card.</p>

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<p>People may “request gifts”, but that does not obligate you.</p>

<p>Give gifts when you freely wish to and can do so in the spirit of giving. Allow yourself not to be “guilt tripped” because someone sends an announcement or an invitation. If you can’t attend, or don’t choose to, nothing anywhere says you must send a gift as a stand-in.</p>

<p>People seem to do so because they’re afraid a “friend” won’t like it, will be mad, will think less of them… This is a friend?!?</p>

<p>I let this stuff go a million years ago. There is nothing good in giving a “gift” with a feeling of resentment. Nothing at all.</p>

<p>Does it not occur to you that the sender might actually enjoy seeing you/your D at the event? But will not hold it against you if, unable to attend, you do not send a “gift” either?</p>

<p>The various friends and relatives who have sent me announcements or invitations long-distance… and received no gift in return from me… are still my friends. There may be some others who are angry, but I’m not in touch with them because… guess what?.. they weren’t really friends. So if they’re unhappy, I don’t even know it.</p>

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<p>Sure… but if they would enjoy seeing me, I only live 25 miles away and they have made no effort (the parents) to ‘see’ me in the last twelve years.</p>

<p>I don’t feel guilty in the least. It’s just annoying. Every time I ignore one of these requests, I think they’ll get the message and stop sending stuff in the mail, but they don’t.</p>

<p>Also, since when do mothers throw baby showers for their daughters?</p>

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<p>Just be glad you haven’t been hit up to help with bail yet! Doesn’t sound like this family will put you in danger of that.</p>

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<p>You could send a small donation to a relevant charity in honor of the “friend’s” baby or other event; you’ve honored the spirit of the request, and if they are seeking a gift instead of the real gift of your friendship, they’ll drop you from their list.</p>

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<p>Honestly, I don’t owe them anything, in spirit or not, so I do not feel obligated to send anything. The invitation that arrived today was addressed to my daughter, who told me to open it instead of forwarding it to her apartment in Boston. My daughter already sent a gift over a week ago and had already told her friend that she wouldn’t be able to make it to the shower (obviously there was some pre-communication going on with the baby shower because D already knew about it with enough time to have sent a gift already).</p>

<p>Mousegray - I guess there are some things to be thankful for!</p>

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<p>You don’t have to come to a baby shower.</p>

<p>Do try to see the other side of it though.</p>

<p>Roughly 8 months ago, my daughter-in-law’s baby shower was held at her parents’ home. There are several members of my extended family in the area, within a half hour’s drive of the location of the shower – we are not close and I do not see them frequently. So I was in a quandary: to invite them could be seen as a solicitation for a gift – but to fail to invite them would have been an incredibly rude snub. So I went with the invite — I also sent them emails which I hope were worded in such a way as to get the idea across — but I have to say that it was hard to figure out the right words. </p>

<p>Since they sent the invitation addressed to your daughter, I think you should just pass it on to her and let her decide what to do. It is perfectly acceptable to RSVP with regrets that you can’t attend, and non-attendees are not expected or obligated to send gifts.</p>

<p>Do keep in mind that as your daughter has already sent a little gift, there may be no expectation whatsoever of another. Maybe they just feel that her gift should be acknowledged with an invitation to the party, even if she is unlikely to attend. Keep in mind that baby showers are social events – refreshments are served, games are played, and the idea is that the guests are supposed to have fun.</p>

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<p>OP - Perhaps this story will help … perhaps not.</p>

<p>Following the Depression and WW2 my parents were getting the family established. And old friend/close-acquaintance (I was never really clear which) needed $1,500 to escape some pending disaster. It was supposed to be a “loan.” That was a lot of money at the time. My Mom explained that she and Dad discussed the matter and decided to “loan” the money. It was not a surprise that they never heard from this person again.</p>

<p>Bottom Line: There are times when you are presented the “opportunity” to assist another person. Whether you choose to do so or not is nobody’s business but yours.</p>

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<p>This is a very confusing story. The friend got married either 3 years ago or 2 years ago, at age 21, but graduated from high school over 10 years ago, so she is now either 23, or 24, or maybe 28. D1 got an invitation to the baby shower although D2 lives in Boston (so?). </p>

<p>D1 has already sent a gift, so she must be keeping up a friendship with FBF (former best friend). Why not stay out of it? At the very least they are both adults, and there is no need for you to be involved.</p>

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Yes, I think this happens often. We’re facing it next year when d1 gets married and a tier of relatives we never see anymore will probably be invited to the wedding out of consideration for the feelings of older family members, to whom it’s quite important. NOT to solicit gifts! I don’t know how many people are that hard up for a $50 baby outfit or a $150 place setting. Even if other people send invitations in order to fill the gift table, that’s not why we’ll do it (I promise, skeptical relatives!).</p>

<p>I realize this isn’t the OP’s situation. But some people may feel that a big celebratory event like a wedding or bridal/baby shower is an opportunity to reconnect with people they haven’t kept up with. And some may feel that invitations to those events should be reserved for people who are undoubtedly in the loop.</p>

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<p>Hi Teri!
Is it at all possible that the family either (a) didn’t get D1’s gift yet or (2) was just trying to be nice and send the invitation, even though they know D1 isn’t going to be able to attend? Its so hard to know whats in their head. But I totally understand how you feel and agree with you-- your dau already responded to the shower and sent a gift. Nothing further is necessary (unless you want to make a donation to planned parenthood in the mom’s name – oh sorry, me bad! Slapping my own hand!).</p>

<p>I totally get how you feel. As you know, my DH travels to CA a lot. He tried to get together with an old HS friend of his and her DH who is at this point are on our holiday card list, but thats about it. Somehow they were always too busy to get together… they made tentative plans to meet us when I was out there visiting, but cancelled on us. So, what did we get a few weeks later? I graduation “announcement” for their son (aka send a gift). I think its still sitting on DH’s desk. Didn’t send a gift. Mighta sent a card-- I don’t really recall.</p>

<p>MY DH’s family is HUGE (both his mom and dad had a lot of siblings) so we often got invitations, announcements, etc, from people I’ve not heard of or never met. But family is a little different than past friends. I’ve sent small wedding gifts to the second cousins because the first cousins were close to us. But its fine to draw the line somewhere, and these “friends” seem to be pushing it way beyond your comfort zone. Does your daughter still feel close to this girl or are they just fb friends at this point? I agree with you-- its your daus decision to decide how close she want to stay in touch with this girl. If she chooses to, she can send the girl a current Boston address so you can get out of the loop. Good luck!!</p>

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<p>Did I ever say I was looking for advice? This is why I almost hesitate to start these kinds of threads. They can be very cathartic until someone insists that I’m looking to do something about it. The only reason I even became involved at all is because the invitation was addressed to D1 at our home address, in care of me. </p>

<p>D1 has been very forthcoming with me; the friendship is basically maintained through facebook only. Which is fine. I understand the emotional aspect of a long-held friendship. It’s not like they had a fight or anything. It was more a matter of them both outgrowing each other due to different choices in their lives after high school.</p>

<p>I stand corrected on the confusing information. I mentioned ten years because that’s how long it’s been since the family moved from around the corner to 25 miles away. For the first two years after their move, the only time they ever really saw each other, it was due to my or my husband’s driving D1 or the friend back and forth. Her parents never did anything to help encourage the relationship once they moved (which is why I think it was so difficult for them to let her go to Hawaii with us). Once my daughter got her driver’s license at the beginning of her junior year in high school, they saw each other maybe a couple of times a semester. Once they were in college, it became about once a year. </p>

<p>Again, whatever D1 does to continue to the relationship is neither here nor there as far as I’m concerned. But I could tell she was aggravated when I called her last night and told her the friend’s mom had sent the invitation to our house despite knowing D1 would not be able to attend. D1 knows her friend’s parents only make a connection with us when they want something that involves money… i.e., the mission trips, Mary Kay. </p>

<p>When/if D1 ever gets married, and if she remains living where she is, it would absolutely never occur to me to send them an invitation to a shower that is 1500 miles away. These are not relatives or friends that we have mutual friends with that could feel slighted or left out. </p>

<p>Again, if the friend’s mom feels such a connection to us that she wants to include us in their lives still, then why the only communication when something involves money? </p>

<p>I’m not looking to do anything, so there’s no business to ‘get out of’. It’s just annoying.</p>

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<p>This is a digression, and I apologize for going a bit of topic, but do any of you get those solicitations from a neighbor on behalf of an organization? The organization convinces some person to send these donation requests out to the people in the neighborhood, hoping that the neighbors will then contribute. I get these from people in my neighborhood I’ve never met, and have to look up in the neighborhood directory to see where they live. That fries my cookies. I ignore those. I’ve also been called by one of these organizations, basically telling me I had to do this (send donation requests to neighbors). Um… no</p>

<p>Ok-- vent over. Thanks for letting me vent on your thread, Teri. Back to topic.</p>

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<p>hey jym - we crossposted. Yes, I agree with you, extended family is a different thing. I, too, have received invitations for kids of first cousins that I don’t ever remember meeting until they were in their early twenties at someone else’s funeral. For some reason that never bothered me, and I always sent some small token. My mom was one of ten kids so there are lots of these kinds of cousins once-removed, twice-removed, three-times removed, etc. One of the nice things about facebook is that I’ve actually friended some of these ‘removed’ cousins and have more connection with them, as opposed to their parents who are older than me and won’t do facebook. Remember, 100% of my family is 1200+ miles away, so it’s nice to be somewhat in the loop, albeit through facebook. </p>

<p>I also know that our paths will likely cross again, probably at funerals. There is a common connection. But with D1’s friends’ parents, I don’t ever see our paths crossing again although they live only 25 miles away.</p>

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<p>When my old friends have significant events it makes me cross when people assume they shouldn’t invite me because I’m too far away. I made it to a friends wedding even though I was living in France at the time. It so happened her wedding coincided with an already planned vacation and I was happy to be able to add her wedding to my plans. </p>

<p>In any event since this invitation was addressed to your daughter I’m not quite sure why you are annoyed. It’s not your invitation.</p>

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<p>jym - yea, I’ve gotten those, too… and the phone calls asking me to be the ones to send the solicitation out. Annoying? Yes. But I just throw them out.</p>

<p>Funny thing you mentioned Planned Parenthood in your earlier post… a couple of months ago I got caught up in an awkward situation at work that I probably could have handled differently. One of my co-workers asked me to cover for her for a few hours on a Friday afternoon. She was going to be unavailable as she was driving to participate as a panelist at an event. It was not vacation time (what she does with her vacation time is none of my business), but she told me she had gotten approval to be out of the field if she had someone to cover for her in case of emergencies. THEN, she told me the event was being sponsored by Right to Life. And when she could tell I was starting to question whether or not our supervisor knew what she was doing, she was very defensive, saying if it hadn’t been for them, her granddaughter wouldn’t be here because her daughter was young and single. That was not information she needed to share with me. I felt very manipulated into sort of a conspiratorial role. It was the day before she was supposed to leave and all of a sudden I had all this power over whether or not she participated in an event that I strongly disagree with.</p>

<p>So I did cover her, but when I got home, I sent in an additional $250 to Planned Parenthood on top of the annual donation I make to them every year. I figured my $250 donation would be more effective in preventing pregnancies like these by providing free birth control options such as BCP or condoms.</p>

<p>So, yea, I’ve already donated to PP in response to another awkward situation this year! Good call.</p>

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<p>Totally agree,Teri. My dh’s mother was one of 9, father was one of 10, so his family was huge. I’ve also found that along the lines of “ya nevah know…” that a little kindness goes a long way in families, I think we sent some token gift to one of his first-cousin- once-removed when she got married, and to this cousin’s daughter when she got bat mitzvah’ed. We were then invited by the parents (my DHs first cousin-- but much older) to visit them at their mountain house this past summer (It was INCREDIBLE!!!). So it came back around, as it were.</p>

<p>Similarly, I recently “found” some long lost second cousins via facebook, and we just went to their daughter’s bat mitzvah 2 weeks ago. I havent seen those 2nd cousins since I was in elementary school, but it was truly wonderful to reconnect with them and see their mom (my dads late cousin’s wife) and some of my dads cousins, who I am still close with. It was also a very small world-- turns out one of my DH’s cousins (also older by a generation) works in the gift shop of that synagogue, and the rabbi grew up in my home town-- his aunts were good friends of mine in HS!! Also, it turns out that some friends of ours from here grew up NEXT DOOR to them and are still very close, and were also at the event!</p>

<p>So, I am glad I reconnected with them, got to see some other old friends and DHs relatives while we were out in Denver for that event, and it turns out one of the cousins (ie aunt of the bat mitzvah girl) lives in Chicago and works for a non profit (her DH is in commercial real estate downtown) so my DH will connect with them in Chicago. This is the positive side of connection with relatives. Now… if I hadn’t heard from them in eons and hadn’t reconnected via facebook, and out of the blue got an invitation to the daus bat mitzvah from these folks I hadnt seen in eons, I might have responded differently. Very differently.</p>

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<p>mathmom - it was addressed to my daughter, in care of me, on the envelope. So I couldn’t ignore it. I had to call D1 to ask whether she preferred that I forward it to her, or open it myself. She, too, seemed annoyed, probably because it feels to her as if people don’t take her seriously enough as an adult to seek out her address that she’s been at for two years now. All the mom had to do was ask her daughter to ask my daughter for her address in Boston and send it there. Why involve me at all?</p>

<p>I remember very clearly after I graduated college and was on my own, getting annoyed when people continued to send stuff to my parent’s address as if I was still living at home, when I never moved back to my home city, and people knew it. Back then, you might have had to make a phone call (gasp) to get a current address, but these days, with facebook, it’s a click away from asking. </p>

<p>If I didn’t have the history I did with this family and their never-ending requests for something, it might not bother me, but given the history, it does… that’s all.</p>

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<p>God for you re: the Planned Parenthood donation, teri! The recurrent underlying theme seems to be feeling taken advantage of. As for your dau’s friend and her parents, sounds like the fact that they have consistently hit you up for donations to their causes over the years, without making any other efforts to keep in touch is what gets grating. I imagine if they hadn’t been soliciting from you for years, this baby shower invitation wouldn’t have been quite as bothersome as it was. But it felt like yet one more annoying solicitation. I totally get it.</p>