Stay at Home Sons...

Parents Forum
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<p>Look, I think we all agree is that the bottom line is that we just want our kids to be happy - and by extension ourselves. After all “we are only as happy as our least happy child”. The goal for most of us, in my opinion, is to help them grow and mature and give them the tools to help them fly out of the nest and be happy, successful and independent. Sometimes they will need to return if they were not yet ready or able to be on their own.</p>

<p>There are many, many different types of “stay at home sons” (as the OP called it) - some more palatable than others. I think there is a huge difference between the young adult who is living home to save money, while working at a job in his field that he is happy at vs the son who has a career, yet hates it and is at home miserable. Then there is the son who works at a part-time job, perhaps his high school pocket-money job, and half-heartedly looks for a career. And of course the “basement dweller” who does not have a career, nor a job, and is not working too hard on finding one. . . and so on. Clearly different levels of frustration and acceptance from a parent in each case. </p>

<p>All those cliches being said, it is extremely difficult/frustrating to have a college graduate home with no job - particularly when the job search doesn’t seem to be happening - or at least not in the way that is acceptable to the parent. And it’s a Catch-22 - how can you tell him as a parent that he has to move out if he doesn’t have job? </p>

<p>I think if mine were going to work each day, just embarking on a career in his field that he was happy at, it would be a whole different story. I know I will always be irked by towels on the floor, undone laundry, and video games - but it would be different if the offender was gainfully employed! And yes, it has only been two weeks since graduation, so I am trying to be patient, let him look “his way” (???) but it is not easy.</p>

<p>Oh for a world with no video games!!! Or omnipresent laptops! Or couches!!! Or ESPN!!! Or Facebook! So many distractions, no wonder it’s hard to get off the darn couch and job hunt - particularly when in today’s world job hunting can actually be done on said couch with said laptop. And they way we looked for a job back in the stone age “is not how it’s done”.</p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>OK, you can all attack that lengthy diatribe, as has been the case on this thread, but I feel better having gotten it off my chest, so whatever criticism and judgments await my post, thanks for listening and wish me strength!</p>

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<p>^^UMMom, you made me laugh – for Mother’s Day, my household of guys unplugged the router, unplugged the playstation (we were the last people in the USA to get one, but in fairness they don’t use it much now) and packed them, plus their phones and laptops, in a great big wrapped box with a card that said “What do you want to do this weekend with us” It was the best gift EVER. </p>

<p>I have one son leaving, and one coming back. We do what we need to, to support them in a way that allows their independance and growth but safeguards their health (physical, financial and emotional). It’s pointless, imho, to try and judge what’s “right” and “wrong” about people’s situations, because we can never know why people have made their choices and have no reason to think that in ignorance we come to a better conclusion than they have.</p>

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<p>UMMom2015:</p>

<p>I’m not going to attack you. It is frustrating when one is used to a clean, neat house to see the “old habits” and mess that you’ve escaped.</p>

<p>I had my house to myself, pretty much, (my husband often slept at his studio because he chose to work odd hours, though I saw him every day) for four years. I really did like it – never got lonely.</p>

<p>Both my kids are messier sorts that I. I can’t function in clutter and mess. They really don’t understand that. The sound of the television during the day makes me feel insane.</p>

<p>Your student is just recently returned. You have to give it some time. Try to spend more time by yourself in your room.</p>

<p>You <em>can</em> demand basic things – like towels being picked up from the bathroom floor. That would be a non-starter here.</p>

<p>My kids: shop, cook, clean-up and clean my house once a week (see smiley face.)
Actually only my daughter cleans. That’s in return for paying half her tuition for her masters next year (her grandmother is paying the other half.) She has loans from an unhappy year in law school, and it is MY CHOICE to help her avoid more.</p>

<p>My S mows the lawn, rakes leaves, paints rusting garden furniture…you get the idea. It’s in exchange for paying his car insurance.</p>

<p>Neither pays rent.</p>

<p>Both are assiduously working toward a career. It is the top thing on both of their minds. Both will be getting masters next year with hopes of going on to a PhD. My daughter is committing to studying lynching, vigilantism with strong interests in ending the the death penalty in America. She spent as an unpaid intern working on a capital case in Georgia. She worked to support herself as an intern and actually wrote part of the bt rief for a capital offense appeal. Sadly, the individual was executed.</p>

<p>It’s a complicated thing to want to do with your life. She’d be happy teaching, working for a foundation or a small, underfunded social justice organization for low pay as long as she can support herself. </p>

<p>By living at home and going to state u her masters will cost roughtly $11K, something we can manage. The PhD at the school is fully funded.</p>

<p>I am happy to be part of making something happen that I feel has great social value.</p>

<p>My son wants to keep knowledge and appreciate of fine art alive for the next generation either by teaching at the college level or working in a museum. He would also be willing to work as an appraiser, work for an auction house, or go into advertising if no more art-related field yields a job.</p>

<p>I am also happy to support these goals. They are realistic and concrete. He is very gifted in this area, but just recently switched from music which he had been doing his entire life so he wasn’t quite ready for a PhD or a job.</p>

<p>Both did work this year (very underemployed) and S did go to school in a very mild, post-bac sort of a way to gain the cred for a new career direction. Each earned his/her own spending money, gas money and contributed their share to groceries. Neither paid rent.</p>

<p>I am lucky. Neither kid plays video games. Both are highly social and my best friends. D has a bit of a TV problem, but mostly we watched shows together. They showered me with love, fun, discussion, diversion. </p>

<p>I am a college professor, and my students are constantly amazed by my knowledge of their world. Haha. Guess how I got it? From the ongoing interaction with my own kids.</p>

<p>Oh, both are literary editors for me, and they do a fabulous job, so my career is actually expanding.</p>

<p>If the situation doesn’t improve, it’s okay to set ground rules. You comment about the least happy child is true, but so: If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy.</p>

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<p>@Cobrat: Thanks for the reinforcement. Our situation was different. This girl was brilliant, beautiful and extremely talented. She is, however, extremely self-destructive and unhappy and was pulling him into that place. My wish was that she would heal, but since that wasn’t possible, or hasn’t been yet, I desperately wanted my S free of her negative influence. She detests me, but I still hope someday a medication or intervention can rescue her from herself. She still texts S all the time, but he has no interest of putting his head back in the lion’s mouth.</p>

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<p>I think in some situations adult children living at home is a good idea. If the parents are elderly and a single son or daughter lives there to help take care of things, that is a really good thing as long as everyone gets along well.</p>

<p>Those kids that stay with their parents until they buy their own homes or until they get married-that makes sense. Especially so if they are saving money for their futures. It is the only way in some cases that they will be able to ever buy a home.</p>

<p>The idea that you can live with your parents endlessly and have them take care of you is not a good one in my opinion. Taking care of your adult children by making all their meals and doing all their laundry is not doing those adult kids any favors. My mom always complained that was the reason why my dad was so helpless in the kitchen. He married her at 3o and lived with his granny before that-and she did everything for him until he moved out to get married. At least he can work the microwave now!</p>

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<p>"’'50ishwoman, generations ago it was possible for middle-class students to graduate college without $25-50,000 (or more) in debt. With the few full-ride/no-loan exceptions, not anymore.</p>

<p>Generations ago, high school graduates could take a factory job and make middle-class wages their whole lives. Good luck with that now.</p>

<p>This isn’t “generations ago” and the world has changed a lot since then. What worked in the 1950s of Ozzie and Harriet and Jim Crow doesn’t have much relevance to the world of today."’"</p>

<p>You sound really defensive and bitter. Did you get yourself in debt? Your name signifies you’re in grad school. Are you raking in loans that you think your parents should pay for? I’d be interested in knowing why you think your parents should continue to pay for your expenses. If they are wealthy that’s one thing, if they’re not, that’s another. Please explain how personal financial responsibility is different in 2012 from years ago.</p>

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<p>… ^ Who are you talking to?</p>

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<p>olderparent: Wow. You sound hard.</p>

<p>Expect? Big word. But if kids try hard and can’t get jobs, what do you suggest? A dumpster? Welfare?</p>

<p>I have a large, comfortable house. I am not wealthy, but any means, but I can afford to house my children. I did when they were little on roughly the same salary. Why would I not continue if harsh economic conditions mandate it?</p>

<p>I have a PhD and a professional job. I have had a fulfilling life. I want my kids to have the same. Why would I rather have them working at a grocery store than going to grad school?</p>

<p>They would be willing to take out debt to attend grad school, even for living expenses. Why would I want that with the State U just 5 miles away?</p>

<p>The point of all biological life is to make the next generation. Any fun we have along the way is gravy or icing on the cake, depending on which metaphor one prefers.</p>

<p>I could not enjoy a trip to Hawaii if my kid was skipping meals to scrounge together rent to support him/herself while working and going to school.</p>

<p>YMMV.</p>

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<p>What’s wrong with working in a grocery store?
It is good honest work, and it can pay well.
Attending graduate school and racking up debt just so your parents aren’t embarrassed about your job?
Give me a break.</p>

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<p>Not at all. Nothing wrong with it, but it won’t earn enough money to support a family in our community.</p>

<p>I didn’t mean that there was anything wrong with it as a job for an interim period. I would encourage my kids to earn money that way, and each has an unglamorous job – one’s a nanny and one does boring work in a photo studio.</p>

<p>I meant if my support means that they can eventually have a fulfilling life’s work that would contribute to society, give them meaning in their lives and support a family while would I refuse?</p>

<p>I worked in a factory myself enroute to my current profession.</p>

<p>I wonder if you didn’t willfully misunderstand me.</p>

<p>Give me a break is awfully condescending.</p>

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<p>I don’t see anything in your post, MM, that would lead to the conclusion that you were helping your kids work toward grad school because you are “embarrassed by their jobs.”</p>

<p>I think it’s good to once again remind posters not to assume someone is “coddling their kids” or helping them simply for selfish or petty reasons.</p>

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<p>“have a PhD and a professional job. I have had a fulfilling life. I want my kids to have the same. Why would I rather have them working at a grocery store than going to grad school?”</p>

<p>So, by reading the above I am not supposed to assume that the poster feels a grad degree is necessary to " a fulfilling life", and that a job at a grocery store is a barrier?</p>

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<p>Yes. That’s correct. It’s fairly easy to read that she means jobs that are chosen as goals her children aspire to, vs a job that may be near minimum wage and taken out of necessity, not frree choice. Grocery store was shorthand for that. Obviously. And yes, a person might have a perfectly fulfilling life working in a grocery. But the people I know who work at one are not there to fulfill a goal, other than that of needing a job.</p>

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<p>Please see my point that around here if they worked full time at a grocery store I would be subsidizing them anyway, earning less than they will as TA’s in PhD programs.</p>

<p>And no, I don’t think one needs a graduate degree for a fulfilling life, but in this economy many entry level jobs are no longer available. Maybe The Pacific Northwest is less grim than NY. </p>

<p>As for a lifetime of a minimum wage job at a supermarket, I know very few folks who would be fulfilled by that. It’s not the shame. No shame or even embarrassment. It’s poverty and boredom. Managing a produce department? Better. But neither of my kids could get a job like that.</p>

<p>As for boredom – well, that’s just the way we are. If that were the only way to put food on the table, sure, but they’d no where to live unless it was with me. A studio here is $1400.</p>

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<p>My kids couldn’t physically perform the requirements of a retail or food service job (they can’t stand for extended periods of time, much less an entire regular shift). We’re hoping that they will have job options that do not require prolonged standing. So far, S has found a great career that does not have hat as part of his job requirements–hoping D will as well.</p>

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<p>greenbutton - wow I am so impressed and jealous!! That is the best mother’s day gift imaginable. I don’t think any of my 3 (neither the two sons, nor the husband) think they can survive a few hours, much less a day with out being “connected”. So sad. And coming home from a day at work, with a zillion errands still to be done and finding them home “plugged in” is simply infuriating.</p>

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<p>olderparent, I don’t have time to respond to your snide remarks and insinuations right now, because, oddly enough, I’m on duty as a park ranger with the Forest Service. But rest assured I’ll address your nonsense later.</p>

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<p>polarscribe: That sounds really cool. And what a great screen name.</p>

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<p>My question for the parents who want their kids to stay at home:</p>

<p>How long before your children have to fend for themselves? Let’s say your child graduates at 22. Do you give him until 25? 27? 30? Longer?</p>

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<p>^insomniatic: depends on the kid, doesn’t it? </p>

<p>The goal for my son who has Asperger’s is to find a job where he can support himself and live independently. I suppose that goal “sounds” appropriate for most kids, but my oldest is much less demanding of what it takes to live than my other kids. Finding a job has been really, really difficult; I don’t think it will be as challenging for the others. The way I see it, he’ll be 30 before he leaves, but I wonder if my other kids will even move back home after they graduate.</p>