I live alone in a house that I own with my spouse. My spouse’s job for the moment is full-time caregiver for his parents, in a city 150 miles away. He rarely comes to the house (rarely meaning only when our children, who live out of state, visit; he was last here one month ago and probably won’t be here again until October). I will probably be initiating a separation or divorce at the end of this year. I had thought previously that I would want the house but am finding it more and more difficult and discouraging to maintain the property. I’m now leaning toward requesting other assets in the property division, but in any case, I’m responsible and don’t want the house and its contents to deteriorate.
The main issues for which I struggle to stay motivated are major repairs, such as replacing a broken window and getting drywall replaced because of damage from a leaking roof; and decluttering, to deal with the stuff that my spouse and children accumulated over the decades. Finances are problematic; it’s not that I’m poor or have no money but I have to carefully choose what to spend money on.
So what do people do to maintain motivation with no-easy-fix tasks such as these? Thanks in advance for any ideas.
Make it everyone’s project, not just yours. Ask everyone to come home to clean up and take what they want with them. Whatever they don’t take will be thrown out.
After that just get a contractor to come in to do all necessary repairs. It is going to cost you money, but just do it. You may want to stay with a friend or family while all repairs are getting done.
Keep all receipts so you could get reimbursed first when the house is sold.
I moved 3 times in the last 4 years. I had to throw a low of stuff out, and that included some 80’s big shoulder pad jackets. I have a lot less around me now. It is actually quite liberating.
For decluttering support, check out this thread: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1599005-the-bag-a-week-club-p1.html
The only thing that has worked for me for household repairs is a simple to-do list: Monday call plumber. Tuesday call the ceiling contractor (again). Wednesday set date for window guy. And yes I generally have to force myself to make the calls, but when I do it feels sooooooo much better!
Hang in there.
I would love to make it everyone’s project. My daughters do pitch in, by pitching things out, when they’re home, but one just started her first post-college job in a city 1000 miles away and probably won’t be home for a year or two. The other, currently 2000 miles away, plans to be here in October and I’m saving her stuff for her to go through. My husband does not come home except when one or the other child is at home, and when he is here he does not do any cleaning or tossing.
If that’s the case, why don’t you do the best you can. I bet you they won’t even remember what you toss out. Pack everything up and put them in storage. I did that for 1 years. Early this year, I just got rid of the storage unit by tossing out most of the stuff there. It will be easier to sell the place if it is less cluttered.
Even if you are going to stay at the house, you would feel better if there is less clutter, that’s a good motivation. Make it more of your place instead of the old family home.
During the summer, I have tried to not go to the office on Fridays. I set up medical/dental visits, and the household repairs. It also took a day to get car serviced. Since these Friday’s are special, I often book them weeks in advance. I still need to schedule colonoscopy, dermatologist, and electrician (actually, call him a third time).
I can do other people’s things easier than my own. For the past two weekends, I’ve been slowly going through my home office. I can’t throw out journals without checking if there are articles I want to keep. This slows me down.
I do think it is best to sell the house if you are separating.
I hope you have a good handyman/woman. I have a couple that mainly do painting, but they removed some popcorn ceilings for me, fixed barbecue area, etc. I trust them to be in the house alone. When I had a big project, like the kitchen, I paid the extra $ for a GC, cuz I needed to go to work.
I’m sure the decluttering part is hard when you are doing it alone, because you can’t unilaterally throw stuff out.
One of my friends just went through cleaning up a house in which her family has lived for 20 years and getting it ready to sell. I’m clearing through our house, so we have been talking and comparing notes.
If it is feasible, I would start by getting rid of the truly unnecessary things – old, outdated, useless, broken, duplicate – that’s the easy stuff. To make things manageable, start with one drawer or closet at a time, maybe the “easiest” one. Have ready for each decluttering session: bags or boxes and sort into toss, recycle, donate or keep. For the keeps: consider boxing if items are not in current use. Label boxes and return to closet.
Do not move things from one place or room to another. Turn good music on while working. Listen to books. Anything to keep you from drifting away from the task. At the same time, you can assess what sprucing up you’ll need to do in each area to get the house ready for sale. Make a list by room so you can prioritize.
Tackle the paper. Sort, shred, toss and keep according to the need for record retention. Pay special attention to financial documents in light of your plans.
As for repairs, I would not delay anything that is structural like roofing or broken windows that can cause further damage if neglected. The roof comes first; you can cover the window with something weather resistant in the meantime. If you know a good general handyman, perhaps that is someone who can do a series of smaller jobs. Cosmetic repairs can be more easily done after you have decluttered and evaluated. Also, depending on your market, it’s possible that potential buyers are going to come in and redo the whole place, so pricing could be the key to marketing the house if your priority is to sell.
I’m in the midst of evaluating bids for a new roof and chimney. It feels good to be dealing with this long-neglected problem area but I also feel embarrassed because the roof and chimney are in such bad shape (which, not coincidentally, means a huge, for us, outlay of funds).
At least getting a new roof is a quick job because they can’t leave your house uncovered. I had a new roof done, moved out of state and had to reroof again less than a year later. Financially painful but easy construction.
For your D’s and H’s stuff: Go through things and take a few photographs. A smartphone makes this much easier. Send the photos - “does anyone want this? Let me know or it’s going to Goodwill in 3 days”. Repeat as needed.
Just work through things little by little when you have time. Don’t get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, just keep reminding yourself that you’re getting it done in small doses. Pack the things to keep in plastic stacking bins or nice “banker’s boxes” so it feels better, and you can organize them by person.
When I was packing up our house alone, I found it helped to play music, have a glass of wine at night, or play some TV show in the background that I had already seen and didn’t have to pay much attention to. I went through my Dad’s things recently and he had saved ridiculous things from back in the 1970’s! You’re saving yourself from all that.
@rosered55: Don’t underestimate the fact that going through the detritus of your former married life is probably also very sad for you. You are remembering the good times at the same time as you are mourning what’s gone. This can certainly slow you down and keep you from wanting to move forward. You need to acknowledge that, as well as any resentment you might be feeling over the fact that everyone has run away and left you to deal with the remaining junk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0hZG-zNOk
You’re welcome.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eXiwYUCe_bY
I think you need Weird Al’s i Handy*, not Michael Jackson’s *Beat It.
I know it helps me to do it room by room. Start with the easiest room, and get rid of anything in that room that you do not need. Make it a habit to stop by the thrift store and drop everything off that same day.
+1 on what anxiousmom said about dropping stuff off as soon as bagged. No second thoughts and no regrets.
As you can see, I like and appreciate all these comments and suggestions. They help, a lot!
I am going through the same thing, though have been single forever. It is a PITA doing this alone, and I’m sure it feels impossible to get through one room, much less the whole shebang. What helps me the most is hiring someone to work with me. I am far more productive with someone else in the house, working alongside me, even if they are washing windows and I am sorting. If nothing else, I put on a better show of working efficiently when there is someone else to view the results. Even a HS student to haul and clean while you sort is worthwhile. Sounds weak kneed, but that is my reality, and thought it might apply.
I just put my house on the market after a couple years of prep. I agree that structural risks have to be dealt with right away. Regarding decluttering, you have to just chip away at it. I have donated stuff to Goodwill, sold on Craigslist, gave away on Freecycle, had a garage sale, and pitched uncounted black garbage bags of stuff. Don’t wait for your family to do it – you are the one most motivated to get out from under the house.
Sometimes I text my kids pictures of stuff and ask if they want it while I am sorting.
If you get your interior painted and you tell them to paint inside the closets, that will force you to clean them out and declutter. 
It’s good that you’re taking steps on the roof and chimney. I agree that fixing them, and the window(s), are the top priority tasks. List making helps me, too. I keep a running list on my computer, as well as a print out, and it motivates me to see how much has been checked off as I nibble away at those tasks.
Something to consider is using a HELOC to pay for home repairs and then pay off the loan at settlement when you sell the house. Just keep detailed records, including photos, to show these repairs were needed in case your dh squawks. That way the costs are covered by both of you and you don’t suffer a hit to current cash flow.
While my situation is different, I have a dh who works 60 - 70 hr/wk. and rarely takes vacation time because he believes his employer will crash and burn without him. Before one move, I told him that I would handle everything but gave him a short deadline to set aside whatever he wanted to keep from our basement and garage and it all had to fit in a storage closet in the basement. I then made a deal with a couple to clear out the basement and garages,leaving them “broom clean”, in return for keeping everything they hauled out. Some stuff they kept for family, some they sold and some they hauled to the dump. There are several junk haulers in our area who charge $70 - $200, on average for a pre-moving clear out service, if you don’t have anyone who will help in return for the stuff.
Perhaps in your case, it would be a good idea to email your dh about your plans and provide a detailed list of everything that needs to be done to the house. You could also ask that he arrange to come home with a reasonable time, say 30 days, to put whatever he wants in storage. If he fails to act, send him a “final notice” that the decluttering is about to begin. If he has anything truly valuable, you could have it moved to a conditioned storage facility just before listing the house and pay the rent for 3 months, then inform him of the facility’s deadline to retrieve his stuff or pay the rent himself.
You might also ask one or more real estates agent to view your home and give you suggestions of how to prep it for sale. I’m guessing you’ll have several RE agents prepare CMAs for you before you decide who to hire and some staging advice should be part of their service in addition to outlining their marketing approach. Ask them to email you with their advice so you’ll have a record of their recommendations.
I apologize if I’ve misunderstood, but it sounds as if things could get contentious after you file for divorce and you’ll want to have as much documentation as possible to show that you acted prudently and didn’t squander marital assets. Your dh should appreciate the fact that you’re taking care of the house and preventing it from deteriorating and losing value, but he might not think that way. Good luck!
For some of the repair/upkeep tasks, ask your neighbors if they have recommendations for a handyman/woman. There are folks who specialize in doing small chores (like replacing a broken window, fixing a leak) that many of us either don’t know how to do, can’t do well, or just have no interest in trying. Often, these folks have reasonable rates because they rely on repeat service