<p>Hi jim/1991,</p>
<p>I’d score this essay a 6-7. More below…</p>
<p>Strengths:
+Some good efforts to use more sophisticated sentence structure. The semicolon in the last sentence is a good example.</p>
<p>+Good choice of an example. The mythical example of Agamemnon seems to be an area in which you have extensive knowledge; always try to stick to what you’re familiar with.</p>
<p>Weaknesses:
-Your introduction is fairly weak, mostly due to the language use. Don’t use first person or second person (don’t say “I believe” and don’t refer to the reader as “you”). If you would like to read about a powerful structure for an introduction, check out my post here: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html</a>. Also, make sure you don’t introduce new ideas in your conclusion. Your sentence “As shown by the Trojan war ambition looms over anybody,and can be a great motivator for people to abandon their strong-minded beliefs and achieve their goal” doesn’t connect to the rest of your essay and is unsupported.</p>
<p>-To answer your question, one example with strong, concrete, relevant details is better than two examples without. However, in this essay, your one example has many superfluous and unneeded sentences that don’t contribute anything to the overall idea. While you did a great job of summarizing the story of Agamemnon and Achilles, that’s not the point of an SAT essay. The point is to show how this example supports your position on the prompt. I would recommend writing two examples in the future.</p>
<p>-I saw many grammar mistakes throughout the essay. I’m not sure if they are merely typos, but check over your work.</p>
<p>Overall, you need more depth and relevance in your essay. Try writing the CABE structure for an introduction (check the link I posted) and including only details that connect to your overall idea in your example paragraphs. </p>
<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any other questions.</p>
<p>Richard</p>