steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Feedback Thread

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
81

<p>Please and Thank You.</p>

<p>When you reach an obstacle, it turns into an opportunity. You have the choice. You can overcome an be a winner, or you can allow it to overcome you, and be a loser. the choice is yours and yours alone. Refuse to throw in the towel. Go that extra mile that failures refuse to travel. It is far better to be exhausted from success than to be rested from failure.</p>

<p>Mary Kay Ash</p>

<p>Assignment: What is you view of the idea that every obstacle can be turned into an opportunity? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning…blah</p>

<p>Essay-</p>

<p>No matter how priveleged one can be throughout his or her life there are certain obstacles that everyone will face. Whether it be intellectual, social, or psychological these obstacles will serve as a starting point to get to where you need to be. Learning how to overcome obstacles is important because they are a part of life, can lead to self-improvement, and are an essential part of moving forward. No one can avoid obstacles thus, it is best to take them head on rather than avoid them in denial.</p>

<p>Part of growing and maturing as human beings is overcoming obstacles. They are just a part of life that transcends time. Even in if one tries to get others to solve the problems they are facing, they are still acknowledging that there are these obstacles are a part of their life by addressing them indirectly. There are certain things we cannot avoid during life; among them are birth, death, maturation and obstacles blocking the path to what we want. Accepting them as a piece of our existence is just as if not more important than overcoming them in the first place.</p>

<p>‘Go that extra mile that failures refuse to travel.’ This extra mile can make all the difference in the long run (pun not intended). Pushing ourselves above and beyond barriers which block our path can shape the person who we are from within. In the case of Michael Phelps, in the 2004 Sydney Olympic Games Phelps got the bronze in two of the eight races in which he swam. He knew that the only way he would achieve his goal was if he pushed beyond the swimming society’s norm and kicked his training into another level. In turn due to his determination and persevence he pushed beyond the boundaries of previous generations and captivated the gold by winning eight gold medals.</p>

<p>Overcoming obstacles are an important part of moving forward in life. If we do not move forward then we will be stuck constantly n the same place without achieving anything. To reach our goals and reams it is essential to ‘grab the bull by the horns’ and attack each obstacles head on. </p>

<p>Although they may seem overwhelming and at times annoying overcoming obstacles is a crucial part of life life, allows for personal progress and is necessary in order to move forward. Without them, humans would find no inspiration or determination. </p>

<p>One of my weaker essays I know…</p>

82

<p>Hi again Cristina,</p>

<p>Thanks for posting another essay. This essay confirms to me that you’re a strong enough writer to break out of the formula if you find a chance to. I’d score this essay a 10, explained below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+This essay was especially interesting because you supported your thesis from two opposites angles; you gave an example of someone who focused on their talent and achieved greatness as well as an example of someone who failed to focus on her talent and didn’t achieve greatness. This approach really stood out to me.</p>

<p>+Strong language use. I found the entire essay flowed well and was easy to read.</p>

<p>+Excellent development of examples. Both examples elaborated all the critical details and connected back to the prompt. Also, the transition between the two paragraphs was stellar and greatly improved the flow of the essay.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The introduction seemed to be a rewording of the prompt at many parts. While you do want to reference the prompt in your introduction, you want to bring your own thoughts and further narrow down your thesis beyond what is shown in the prompt.</p>

<p>-Be very careful not to introduce unsupported sentences in your conclusion. This sentence is a perfect example: “We should create more opportunities for kids to get in contact with different fields - this is the only way to discover the future leaders in any field.” Not only is it an overgeneralized statement, but it doesn’t connect to the prompt or your argument.</p>

<p>-Watch out for mistakes that skew the meaning of your sentences: “Some of the easiest exercises came easily for her.” </p>

<p>Overall, this was a really strong essay with an interesting approach to the topic, examining both sides of one statement. For now, work on strengthening your introduction and conclusion while avoiding wording mistakes.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Feel free to ask if you have any questions or concerns.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

83

<p>Thanks, steamed.</p>

<p>I suppose my second was a weak example. I was desperate again, as I wanted to provide a more “American” example. The first is from Great Expectations, which isn’t really from the States. I thought one from America would support the main topic of the essay more strongly … but once again, my history of the US was limited.</p>

<p>I think I’ll read up a bit of US History before the test for citations.</p>

<p>Once again, thanks for grading me! :)</p>

84

<p>Hi daman,</p>

<p>I’d most likely score this essay a 7. I’ll explain more below.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Your language use is solid, and your writing is strong stylistically. The entire essay was fairly easy to read, and your sentences were well-articulated.</p>

<p>+Good effort to incorporate an example with Michael Phelps. Your description of his overcoming the obstacle was strong; however, the description of his actual obstacle should be more detailed.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Understand what the prompt is asking. The prompt asks if every obstacle can be turned into an opportunity; the prompt does not ask “what should we do when encountered with an obstacle?” Your essay seemed to focus on the idea that we should “move forward” in life when we encounter an obstacle, an idea that didn’t really fit the prompt.</p>

<p>-I believe this is the main thing you need to work on: understand what an SAT essay is. It is an argumentative essay; the SAT wants you to form a narrow, specific thesis that directly responds to the prompt and support it with examples. You don’t want to lead the reader through a series of paragraphs about what they should do in a situation; you want to give specific examples from history, literature, current events, etc. that support one specific position in response to the prompt.</p>

<p>Overall, it seems like you have a strong idea of how to write stylistically and articulate yourself, but you’re not completely clear on the ideas of how to write an SAT essay. I think the best way to improve would be to take a look at my response to Quix’s essay on the first page of this topic and examine the CABE introduction structure. Write an introduction in that format, with a strong and specific thesis, then use specific examples that directly connect with that thesis.</p>

<p>Let me know if I’m not really clear or if you have any other questions. Hope this helped you!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

85

<p>uttaresh:</p>

<p>Just a clarification: it wasn’t that your second example was weak. It just lacked concrete details, which are important to make your points persuasive.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

86

<p>ASSIGNMENT:Having the courage of one’s convictions is considered a virtue.But sometimes it’s prudent to compromise or change one’s mind.using examples…is it wise to change one’s mind??</p>

<p>While many claim that being strong-minded and unyielding is a virtue,i believe that it is rather a vice.There are many occasions in life when you have to be flexible and compromise or change your mind under certain cirsumstances,in order to achieve the desired result.</p>

<p>In 1100 B.C. the greek peninsula was divided into numerous self-governing city-states.However they all compromised and abandoned their strong-minded opinions and aggreed to join forces in order to defeat Troy.Once the Greeks arrived in Troy,Achilles,a few days after the war had started,was offended by the behavior of Aghamemnon,commander of the army and decided to leave the battle.Both Achilles and Aghamemnon were very stubborn and unwilling to compromise.Not only did Achilles not participate in battle,but he also convinced other kings of city-states to abscond from Troy and return to Grrece.However,a few weeks later Achilles and Aghamemnon abandoned their unyielding beliefs and were motivated by their common good to work together in order to achieve their goals.Aghamemnon wanted to increase his power and to take control of commerce in the Aegean.On the other hand Achilles sought immortality;he tried to commit great deeds that would remain in the memory of his people centuries after his death.Eventually,after ten years of cruel fighting,the indomitable city of Troy was conquered and both Aghamemnon and Achilles achieved their goals.Had they not compromised,they would not hae achieved such a glorious victory.</p>

<p>While this only one example it is indicative of the general truth;namely that in order to accomplish our goals we must be flexible and compromise.As shown by the Trojan war ambition looms over anybody,and can be a great motivator for people to abandon their strong-minded beliefs and achieve their goals.</p>

<p>My name is jim.could you also tell me if writing one example with details etc is better than two??thank you for your time</p>

87

<p>The media not only transmit information and culture, they also decide what information is important. In that way, they help to shape culture and values.</p>

<p>Adapted from Alison Bernstein</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>Do newspapers, magazines, television, radio, movies, the Internet, and other media determine what is important to most people?</p>

<p>When John Hancock proudly signed the Declaration of Independence, he exclaimed, “That should be big enough for the King to read!” The king did not read, much less hear about the Declaration until three months later. Today’s media connects the world, delivering news as soon as it occurs. It shapes our lives and helps up make our decisions. This can be seen through the reporting preceding the American revolution and the 2008 US presidential election.</p>

<p>In the 1760s, as the frustration within the thirteen colonies started to grow, a sense of resentment had overcome the colonists. Though distance and a slow means of communication separated the colonists from one another, the media helped bridge the gap. Newspapers like Ben Franklin’s “Pennsylvania Gazette” fueled the resentment against the British as its copies spread throughout the colonies. Franklin himself wrote some articles about the revolution, but he was not alone. Newspapers similar to his grew as the hype increased, and the steady flow ideas from the media to the public started to seem omnipresent. Without all of this attention by the media, the revolution would have never become important within the population’s eyes, which soon became a key factor in winning the revolution against the British.</p>

<p>As victors of the revolution, we have progressed to become an advanced nation. This year, the 2008 American elections have escaped the isolated attention of American media. The international media has started paying close attention to our politics, making the outcomes of our elections feel important to many people abroad. Here in the US, the election receiving undivided attention 24/7 downplaying many other current events. Many reporters, such as Karl Rove of Fox News are continually discussing the Troopergate scandal surrounding Republican Vice Presidential pick, Sarah Palin. This is having heavy influence over our choice and what we consider important enough to base our predidential vote on.</p>

<p>Though the media has grown to be a dominating figure, its ability to unify the world in good times, and bad, is unmatched. We are able to progress forward as a whole. John Hancock would’ve loved to hear about the King’s reaction to the declaration as soon as it happened.</p>

88

<p>Hi jim/1991,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay a 6-7. More below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Some good efforts to use more sophisticated sentence structure. The semicolon in the last sentence is a good example.</p>

<p>+Good choice of an example. The mythical example of Agamemnon seems to be an area in which you have extensive knowledge; always try to stick to what you’re familiar with.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Your introduction is fairly weak, mostly due to the language use. Don’t use first person or second person (don’t say “I believe” and don’t refer to the reader as “you”). If you would like to read about a powerful structure for an introduction, check out my post here: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565622-please-grade-my-first-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;. Also, make sure you don’t introduce new ideas in your conclusion. Your sentence “As shown by the Trojan war ambition looms over anybody,and can be a great motivator for people to abandon their strong-minded beliefs and achieve their goal” doesn’t connect to the rest of your essay and is unsupported.</p>

<p>-To answer your question, one example with strong, concrete, relevant details is better than two examples without. However, in this essay, your one example has many superfluous and unneeded sentences that don’t contribute anything to the overall idea. While you did a great job of summarizing the story of Agamemnon and Achilles, that’s not the point of an SAT essay. The point is to show how this example supports your position on the prompt. I would recommend writing two examples in the future.</p>

<p>-I saw many grammar mistakes throughout the essay. I’m not sure if they are merely typos, but check over your work.</p>

<p>Overall, you need more depth and relevance in your essay. Try writing the CABE structure for an introduction (check the link I posted) and including only details that connect to your overall idea in your example paragraphs. </p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any other questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

89

<p>Thanks a lot Steamedrice!</p>

90

<p>Hi potter fan,</p>

<p>I saw in your other topic that most readers on collegeconfidential scored this essay a 10, but on the real SAT it would be graded slightly lower, probably an 8-9. Let me explain below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+The first example is excellent. It includes concrete, specific, and relevant details—such as the citation of Benjamin Franklin’s newspaper. It clearly demonstrates how the media determined what was important to the people of the colonies during the time of the American Revolution. </p>

<p>+It stood out to me how you referenced your introduction in your conclusion. Although the execution of your introduction and conclusion was slightly off (see below), this reference was clever and would leave the reader with a good lasting impression.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-You need to form a single, specific idea and unify every sentence around the support of that idea. While you put forth an adequate thesis (the media shapes our lives and ideas), you presented several other ideas that weren’t relevant and slightly confusing. For example, the sentences about America becoming an “advanced nation” and “progressing forward” don’t relate to the prompt at all. </p>

<p>-Similarly to the bullet point above, the introduction seemed to contain more than one idea. Don’t talk about how the media has changed since 1776; focus on how the media is important in determining what is significant to people.</p>

<p>-The second example is much weaker than the first example. While you included some details, the paragraph didn’t progress logically and didn’t really show the effect of the media on the thoughts of the people. You just stated “this is having heavy influence over our choice and what we consider important enough to base our predidential vote on” without actually specifying what kind of “heavy influence” it is having.</p>

<p>Overall, this is a solid essay with a few flaws. The major area to work on would be staying consistent to the thesis; make sure you don’t introduce other ideas besides a narrow, specific response to the prompt. Address this issue and you will easily write at a 10+ level.</p>

<p>Hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

91

<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>I’m sorry to say that, with sections and problem sets starting tomorrow, I won’t have time to devote to this thread anymore. :frowning: But don’t worry, I will definitely re-open it sometime in the near future when I have more free time.</p>

<p>Thanks to everyone who posted an SAT essay. I’ve truly enjoyed reading them. I hope that I’ve taught you guys as much as you’ve taught me!</p>

<p>Richard</p>

92

<p>Have fun in the real world :P</p>

93

<p>Oh noes! :(</p>

94

<p>I know the thread is now closed, but I just spent 25 minutes of my life that I can never get back writing an essay, and I want to post it anyway.</p>

<p>BTW, steamedrice, I want to have your babies :slight_smile: This thread has been very helpful to me.</p>

<p>PROMPT: (from Blue Book #3)
Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>Many people would argue that conscience is stronger than selfish motives. However, there are a multitude of historical and literary examples that take the opposite view. Because of self-serving desires like power and money, people have chosen the path of personal gain over the common good many times. Saruman from Lord of the Rings and Benedict Arnold are prime examples of this trend.</p>

<p>In Lord of the Rings, Saruman was a slave to his desire for power - even going so far as to imprison his old friend Gandalf to win it. Turning on his previous ideals, the former Saruman the White became very dark indeed during his service to Sauron, the Lord of Mordor. Saruman raised, armed, and trained an army of Orcs to attack Rohan to eliminate a threat to his dominance - almost suceeding. Putting his own amibition for power over the good of Middle Earth and all its people, Saruman suppressed his conscience.</p>

<p>Not needing power, but instead wanting money, Benedict Arnold choose to betray the struggling United States during the Revolutionary War. He believed that the US underpaid and underappreciated him; therefore, he turned mercenary and pleged to Britian. By doing this, Arnold abandoned the soldiers he commanded, the cause of independence, and his own conscience. When he changed blue for red, Arnold was forever lost to his former countrymen. Money, in this case, was obviously worth more to Arnold than the common good he was fighting for.</p>

<p>Thus, money and power often seduce people away from their consciences. This is proven every time a bribe is taken, a test cheated on, or a tax form altered. Saruman and Arnold both lost in the end, but there are many others who win. For the right price, anything - anyone - can be bought.</p>

<p>There. That’s another five minutes of my limited lifespan gone :D</p>

95

<p>Hi book_worm,</p>

<p>I can’t let your 30 minutes go wasted. :slight_smile: I’ll give you a quick review of the essay. I’d score this essay a strong 9. It has all the elements of an excellent essay but is minorly lacking in a few areas. I’ll explain more below.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+As previously mentioned, all the elements of a strong essay are there. The introduction follows the CABE structure, the examples support your position, and the conclusion sums up your point well.</p>

<p>+Good language use. I didn’t see any glaring grammatical mistakes or usage errors, and some good words (multitude) and punctuation (dashes) were used.</p>

<p>Weaknessess:
-Try to make your assertion more specific than the prompt is. This is the key to the Because part of the CABE structure; you specify why and how money, fame, etc. are more powerful than conscience. For example, you could say that the ultimate human motivator is greed - whether it’s greed for authority or materialistic objects. </p>

<p>-Try not to pick examples from Fantasy/Science Fiction literature. I’m not entirely sure why, but SAT graders seem especially averse to these kinds of examples. Perhaps they consider these genres unsophisticated.</p>

<p>-Add more depth to the examples. While there’s nothing truly wrong with the body paragraphs, I felt they would have benefited from more concrete details. For example, a description of how much Arnold was paid or more description of Saruman’s evil acts. </p>

<p>You’re very, very close to writing at the 10+ level that SAT writers should strive for. Just add more depth and be more specific in your details and thesis. </p>

<p>As always, I hope this helped. :slight_smile: Thanks for posting your essay for me to read.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

96

<p>steamedrice,</p>

<p>If you happen to have the time to read this essay, here it is</p>

<p>Prompt: Is competition a good thing?</p>

<p>When people try to compete against others, they usually end up with more adversity than prosperity. Although some may say that competition allows one to pursue higher goals and achievements, competition causes a person to suffer and regret later in life. This notion is exemplified in literature as well as history.</p>

<p>The detrimental effects of competition are eloquently portrayed in A Separate Peace, where the author delineates the harmful effects of competition. During the beginning of the novel, Gene, the protagonist of the story, was extremely jealous of his friend Finny, who is superior to him in swimming. Trying to compete against Finny in swimming as well as popularity at school, Gene perceived Finny as a threat towards his popularity among his friends. Subsequently, Gene knocked Finny off a tree branch, causing finny to become an invalid for the rest of his life. As a result, Gene felt guilty for his actions and could not forgive himself, which causes him to act abnormally such as dressing in Finny’s clothes in order to conceal himself from guilt and shame for injuring his friend. Because of Gene’s obsession with competing against Finny, Gene’s life is forever filled with remorse, never returning to the peaceful lifestyle he once lived.</p>

<p>Not only are the deleterious effects of competition shown in literature, but they are also delineated in history. During the Cold War, the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. competed against each other in space technology. While both the United States and the Soviet Union were world powers, the strong sense of hostility and animosity to compete against each other caused the U.S. to spend all its efforts in building the first rocket to launch into space. After the successful launch of the Soviet Union’s Sputnik, the U.S. increased its spending in space research in order to outcompete the Soviet Union’s space technology that many Americans were lived in a state of fear and anxiety as the nation’s wealth was slowly depleting from excessive spending in the space race. In the long run, the competition against the Soviet Union in the space race proved more harmful than good. </p>

<p>In conclusion, people are better off trying their best than competing against each other. On the contrary, some may argue that competition stimulates others to work harder and achieve progress in the business world; however, the disastrous effects of competition outweigh the good, as seen in the decline of the Taiwanese Tamagotchi market caused by Asian companies overproducing their products in order to compete against each other.</p>

97

<p>lawlmao:</p>

<p>Sorry I won’t be doing full writeups anymore. I can say though that your essay would probably be scored around a 9. You had strong, well-chosen examples and the body of your essay was very good. In the introduction, your thesis needs to be more specific (how exactly does competition cause a person to suffer?) and you should specifically say which examples you’re offering instead of just saying “in literature and history.” </p>

<p>Don’t try too hard to use big words (deleterious has too strong a connotation, it means more like deadly or lethal). In your conclusion, don’t throw in new thoughts-the tamagotchi thing isn’t developed at all and could just be left out.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

98

<p>I admit: when I first read your post that you won’t help us anymore, I first thought I would still post ‘in case you still find some time’. But now I saw I wasn’t the only one with this idea and if I add a new one, I would encourage others to do the same, and we wouldn’t be as nice to you as you were to us. You know, in my country there is a saying: “Give them a finger and they will take all your hand.” This is what happens to you now.</p>

<p>So, for all other would-be-posters: give him some peace. He has helped us a lot, but you have to understand that he has his own affairs to take care of. When he has time, he promised to be back. Go back to those who helped you before. At least most of you have somebody.</p>

<p>And Richard, thank you so much for everything. Good luck with college.</p>

99

<p>We often hear that we can learn much about someone or something just by casual observation. We are not required to look beneath the surface or to question how something seems. In fact, we are urged to trust our impressions, often our first impressions, of how a person or a situation seems to be. Yet appearances can be misleading. What “seems” isn’t always what is.</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the way something seems to be not always the same as it actually is?</p>

<p>The way something seems is not always the same as it actually is. As far as we know, the world is made up of complexity and diversity; nothing has only one facet, and the theory is also applicable to people. Our experience proves that our impression about people can be rather unreliable. As a result, we would better examine objects and people by studying their substantial qualities rather than misleading appearances.</p>

<p>In history, there are countless well-known figures who share unsurpassable fame, but fail to construct their frames to cater to their adherents imagination. Let us take Mozart into consideration. This transcendent musician is widely considered as a genius in music history, in which he inscribed his name with his extraodinary talents and prolificacy of compositions. People who give admiration to this outstanding musician built a sublime statue in his hometown. However, the statue, though reflects Mozart’s passion with its vivacious facial expression, can hardly be recognized by thoes who are familiar with Mozart. In reality, Mozart is far from a handsome and robust young man, as the way the statue was produced, but actually his appearance can be described as “tough”. With his unkempt hair and poor health condition, the great musician’s appearance can never meet his talents. But people have learnt not to judge the genius by the impression he left us, but by his unsurmountable aptitude and precious qualities. So, people’s intrinsic qualities do not always equal their appearances.</p>

<p>Moreover, the reliability of impression is also lessened by literary works. One illustrational work is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Louis Stevenson. In the fiction , Dr. Jekyll is reverently regarded as a friendly and kind intelligentsia , but another character in him is both sinister and sadistic. Though it seems nothing is shared in common by the two totally different men, both of them are parts of Jekyll or Hyde. The story tells a tacit theory that every man’s characteristics are complicated. To know people’s true self-being from the appearances is misleading.</p>

<p>Conclusively, though we prefer to make a judgement by setting our impression as the criterion, reality contradicts our universal belief that the way something seems is always the same as it actually is. </p>

<p>Thanks a lot~</p>

100

<p>steamedrice,
Hope you can examine my essay some day~</p>