steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Feedback Thread

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
101

<p>Prompt: Is deception ever justified?</p>

<p>Lying for personal gain or motives is never right, but deception is justified in some apt situations.</p>

<p>In the Mahabharata, the greatest ancient war of India, the righteous Pandavas were at war with their evil cousins, the Kauravas. It seemed unlikely that good would win over evil this time; the Kauravas were employing unfair advantages to the maximum. They weren’t playing fair – they had a much larger and stronger army than the Pandavas, possessed weapons of greater strength, and had ferocious demons and giants at their command. They were evil to the extent of slaying helpless soldiers during the battle rest-time at night.</p>

<p>In short, if things continued as they were, the Pandavas would be doomed. Unless they played fire with fire, they would lose the war. Bheeshmapitama, the strongest and most skilled among the Kauravas’ warriors, posed the biggest threat to the Pandavas.
So they came up with a cunning strategy. They killed an elephant having the same name as Bheeshmapitama’s son and then sent a messenger to inform him about ‘his son’s death’. When he got the message, Bheeshmapitama grew suspicious since his son was a formidable warrior. The others assured him that the message was a ploy to weaken him emotionally; however, Bheeshmapitama had to be sure.</p>

<p>He turned to Yudhisthira, the eldest of the Pandava brothers, who always spoke the truth since he was the son of Dharma (God of Truth and Righteousness). Over the din of the battlefield, Yudhisthira replied “Yes. Ashwathama, the elephant, is dead.” But while enunciating “the elephant”, Yudhisthira deliberately lowered his volume a little so that he would not be heard. Bheeshmapitama was immediately stunned by the news of ‘his son’s death’. Seizing the opportunity, the Pandavas felled him with a thousand arrows.</p>

<p>Had he not been slain, the Pandavas would have been defeated right in the early stages of the battle. They used subtle deception to avoid certain defeat at the hands of their malicious brethren. Clearly, deception was justified here.</p>

102

<p>Please evaluate mine :), thanks.</p>

103

<p>guys this thread is dead. STOP</p>

104

<p>OK.
@az1698: Have a look here - <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/571425-grade-my-essay-do-memories-help-people-succeed-present.html#post1061042822[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/571425-grade-my-essay-do-memories-help-people-succeed-present.html#post1061042822&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

105

<p>Prompt: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>People are oft to change when malevolence belittles people in their pursuit of happiness. Such the case can be seen in both my personal experience and during the 1830s, the time of the Great Migration.</p>

<p>Everyday I would arrive to class very late, not only would this hurt myself but also my teacher who must finish monotonous work because of me. My teacher, Mr. Blenger, would always hastily choose me as his so called “victim” to answer question. He knew that because of my tardiness I would be dumbfounded to these questions. Day after day these traumatizing experiences of the class ridiculing me for remaining silent when asked a question forced me to change. I no longer could tolerate Mr. Blenger’s malevolent power as a teacher; something had to be done. From then on I would set my alarm clock ten minutes earlier, not take 15 minute showers, and not cook a go gourmet omlet for breakfast. No, from now on everything changes, I would prove to that power hungry teacher, I’m ready and prepared. Soon for one week I was able to evasively arrive to class on time and swiftly answer questions before Mr. Blenger could finish his sentence. Mr. Blenger was in complete awe of my metamorphosis, and soon after he began to torture another “victim.”</p>

<p>Similarly during the 1830s, a Great Migration took place. A plethora of people from both Ireland and Germany departed to the young United States for the pursuit of happiness. Why did millions decide to leave? In Ireland there was a potato famine, people were starving, nonetheless it was also overpopulated. Similarly in Germany, it too was overpopulated, but also had malevolent government dictating their rules. Both of these countries were under a steadfast state of misery. It was nearly impossible for the residents to survive in their old countries. The Germans and the Irish are now offered with food and shelter in America. The promise for also being offered a stable currency which would soon thrive was another reason to change for the people.</p>

<p>In both situations whether it be a single individual or a large ecosystem of people, both desire to change for better lives. They want change from malevolent rulers to benevolent ones who will take care of them better.</p>

106

<p>You’re trying to use too many big words. I’d give it a 4 personally, but I’m not really qualified to grade. Your first example I wasn’t really feeling… and you over-elaborated on it compared to the second. Also, your sentence structure had some grammatical errors.</p>

<p>“Everyday I would arrive to class very late, not only would this hurt myself…”</p>

<p>“No, from now on everything changes, I would prove to that power hungry teacher, I’m ready and prepared.”</p>

<p>“In Ireland there was a potato famine, people were starving, nonetheless it was also overpopulated.”</p>

<p>“The promise for…”</p>

<p>Additionally, expand on the conclusion and intro.</p>

107

<p>If you would be so kind as to score this practice essay (from CB practice test #1), it would be greatly appreciated! I have my own opinion, but he would like input from an outside source.</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

<p>Prompt:
To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.</p>

<p>What motivates people to change? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>“Motivation to change comes from within” causing us to “risk something” in order to make the change. What makes our desire to change stronger than our desire to “risk something”? This can be shown through the recent expample of the U.S. Government to pass a $700 billion stimulous plan. We see through this plan that it is necessary to change to avoid the bigger risk of standing still.</p>

<p>The decision of Congress to carry out the stimulous plan exemplifies the motives of people to change. In the face of a quickly falling stock market, the decision to accept or veto the proposal, required immediate action. The choice of Congress to pass the bill, demonstrates a “change” by the people in our government. Why did they decide to change? Their motives lie in the understanding that they have no choice but to change, because to not change would pose an even bigger risk. Although improvements to the bill, or even alternative plans, may have been superior to the bill that Congress passed, they needed to make this change because of the urgency of the dire situation. This example shows us that people change because it is a bigger risk not to change.</p>

<p>In modern U.S. society, we find ourselves pressured by the quickly moving world. Although decisions made by a normal person may not be as urgent and important as the decision Congress made, our need to change can nevertheless be paralleled by the example of the bill in Congress. We need to make decisions to change in order to keep up with a quickly changing world. Choosing not to change would often pose risks similar, yet obviously smaller, than the potential reprercussions faced by our legislative branch. We would find ourselves alienated by not keeping up with the rest of society, stuck in past trends and old customs, instead of staying along the changing ways of society. Even though we must risk to change, we do so anyway to avoid the bigger risk of not changing.</p>

108

<p>Hi I’m using my dad’s account, I just finished my essay for the same topic! ^
Here it is:</p>

<p>Oftentimes, people are rigid in their thoughts and beliefs. They have a set of principles that is slow to change. When that change arrives, it is not due to an outside force. A feeling within someone causes them to change. Ultimately, people change themselves to help others they care about.</p>

<p>John D. Rockefeller was a momentous figure in history who experienced this change. During his career, Rockefeller created a monopoly over the oil industry and formed a major trust called Standard Oil. He was known to be ruthless, callous, and uncaring. One day, Rockefeller witnessed one of his employees starving on the streets of New York City. Then, a deep sense of enlightenment came over him. Rockefeller began to donate copious amounts of money to various welfare organizations. He also became the leader of the settlement house movement, which provided food and healthcare for the poor. Rockefeller changed because he cared about the American people. He knew that his business had caused a lot of strife, and he wanted to improve the lives of urban workers.</p>

<p>This theme of change in order to help others is evident in literature as well. In the novel 1984, citizens were monitored and controlled by a tyrannical government. Winston, the protagonist, was content to slave away for his leaders. One day, Winston decided to break free from society and overthrow the dictatorship. This change was due to Winston’s sense of caring. Since he did not want to see people suffer, the timid young man morphed into an inspiring leader. </p>

<p>The two examples illustrate the major motive for a change within someone. It is not created by an outside force. Instead, people change to help those they care about.</p>

109

<p>Did neither of you read this post, dated 9-21-08, before resurrecting this 3 month old thread? I just want to save you the time wondering when you’re gonna get a reply.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Richard being steamedrice, the OP.</p>

110

<p>oops…thanks james.</p>

111

<p>Quote: Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety nine percent perspiration</p>

<p>It is hard work, not just innate ability that leads to results. Thomas Edison once said “Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.” Geniuses are not called so only because of their inherent intellectual and creative abilities but also because of their sedulity. The notion that genius is a product of hard work is exemplified by prominent instances in history, architecture and sports.
A genius who illustrates this quote is the man who made this statement, Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison is renowned for his life-changing inventions including the telegraph and the incandescent light bulb. The idea of lighting was not new but nothing had been developed that was practical for home use. What Edison achieved was not only an incandescent light bulb but a practical, economical and safe incandescent light bulb. He was known as “the Wizard of Menlo Park” where he lived, in New Jersey, because of his scientific skills. This genius, however, was not so because of natural intellect but because of hard work. At the age of 12, he sold candy and newspapers as well as vegetables on trains in order to supplement his income. Then at the age of 14, he travelled the whole country as a tramp telegrapher. He earned money by helping people send messages to others through the Morse code. In his seven years as a tramp telegrapher, he crossed the United States over a dozen times. Later, in 1876, Edison set up his famous laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey. It was over there that he often stayed up all night working on his inventions. Once, while inventing the light bulb, he worked for three days straight, taking only short naps in between. Hence his persistence, not his inventiveness, was the main factor of his genius.
This theme of hard work leading to mastery can also be seen in the creation of the Taj Mahal. The Taj Mahal, a UNESCO World Heritage site, was created by Shah Jahan. It took from 1632 to 1648 to create this masterpiece. UNESCO has cited this mausoleum as the ‘Jewel of Muslim art in India’ and it also appears in many listings of the Seven Wonders of the World. Shah Jahan got the inspiration of building Taj Mahal from his love for his beloved wife Mumtaz Mahal. On her death bed she requested him to build a mausoleum in her honor. However, this did not cause the Taj Mahal to sprout out of the ground and become one of the most well known architectural sites in the world today. A labor force of twenty thousand workers was recruited across northern India for the construction of this masterpiece. Over 1,000 elephants were used in order to transport building materials from all over Asia. The whole masterpiece took about 22 years of hard work to complete. Therefore, it was mostly hard work and not inspiration that led to the construction of the Taj Mahal.
Michael Phelps, the American Olympic World Record holding swimmer also exemplifies Thomas Edison’s quote. Michael Phelps has won 48 career medals, forty gold, six silver and two bronze. Of these, he has won 16 Olympic medals including 14 gold and 2 bronze and holds seven world records in swimming. He also holds the record for the most gold medals at a single Olympics, eight at Beijing in 2008. He has received the World Swimmer Award in 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and the American Swimmer of the Year in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007 and 2008. He started swimming at the age of seven, inspired by his sisters Whitney and Hillary, who were also swimmers. He spent many afternoons watching both of his sisters practice and learned a lot from them, particularly the value of hard work. It is not inspiration that made him the athletic genius he is today but his hard work and training instead. Michael Phelps trains for six hours a day, six days a week without fail, even on festivals. He swims approximately 80 km each week, which is over 13 km each day. In addition to this, he also does strength training exercises three times a week and relies on a stationary bike for cardiovascular exercise. As his coach says, “Total dedication to his training program has made him the world champion he is today”. Hence, it is through hard work and not just inspiration that Michael Phelps mastered the sport of swimming.
As was portrayed by these examples from history, architecture and sports, it is hard work that leads to genius. Most geniuses start off because of inspiration but become great because of the effort and dedication they put into what they do. Unfortunately, it is hard to find hard, dedicated workers in this world and so, hard to find geniuses as well.</p>

<p>ADVI</p>