steamedrice's Essay Scoring/Feedback Thread

[khan91]

<p>Hey, steamedrice…my first time on this thread,thanks in advance</p>

<p>Prompt
Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed.</p>

<p>I believe that people definitely have to be highly competitive in order to succeed. Although doing so, some people say, one might resort to underhanded techniques; the truth is that one must be prepared to go to great lengths if he wants to gain superiority in this dog-cat-dog world. A few compelling examples highlight this point.</p>

<p>Success is always achieved through a tough-minded and a focused approach. I experienced this phenomenon in high school. I was always one of the best students in my class but never did I get the first position. This was because I was too ‘nice’. I used to go out of my way to help the other not-so-brilliant students. I usually shared tips and techniques with other bright students on academic matters. But then, a friend of mine alerted me to this fact. He told me that if I continued like this, I would never be the best or succeed at anything I did, be it sports, studies etc. Reluctantly, I tried to heed to his advice. Whenever, other top students came to me to discuss things, I tried to ignore them. I stopped sharing academic resources and adopted a single-minded selfish approach towards my studies. The results stunned me. I went from being the 10th best student in the class to the best student. It was then that I realized that in this competitive world, only the fittest and ruthless succeed.</p>

<p>We can observe this phenomenon in sports as well. There used to be a soccer player by the name of Adam Mills. Adam played for a second ties team in his hometown in Liverpool, in England. He was easily the best player in the team, and the whole team depended on him. Adam had attracted a lot of interest from other top teams in the first tier, but he always rejected their offers. He preferred being a hero in his hometown rather than a millionaire playing for the best team in England. But Adam started having financial difficulties and he decided to accept an offer from another team. He joined Chelsea, he doubled his salary and as he had found a big stage to perform on, his talents were noticed by millions. He went on to become of one of the most famous players of his generation and gained money, fame respect doing so. Adam chose to be competitive rather than romantic and it paid off.</p>

<p>In the end, I’ll conclude by saying that one has to develop a mean streak and be pragmatic if he wants to succeed.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Soulostar: I’d recommend using ctrl+f and then finding your name. I address each writer at the beginning of my post. </p>

<p>Cristina: check your PMs for an answer.</p>

<p>toji and Khan: I have to run now, but check back later for a full response on your essays. :)</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>I’m not really happy with this essay, because I struggled to come up with something to write about.</p>

<p>Assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>Essay:

For centuries, philosophers have thought about human nature. They sought to discover what made humans human. Over the course of their contemplation, they had noticed a wide range of similarities between all people around the world. Through the understanding of others, they sought to understand themselves. This need for others in understanding oneself is evidenced throughout history and literature, and may even be observed through the cultural similarities common to all human beings.</p>

<p>Throughout history, the need for others in order to understand ourselves is evident. After the tragic events of the second world war, many people were left absolutely devastated. However, this gave them a new understanding of humanity. They saw the extent to which humans could be evil, which gave them new comprehension of themselves. Moreover, growing commonalities between nations are showing us that we are all more similar than was previously thought. Thus, the understanding of others would truly lead to the understanding of ourselves.</p>

<p>The evidence of the need for others is present in more than just history. A central theme of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, a very important novel in American literature, is the understanding of others. Atticus Finch always taught his daughter, Scout, to understand those around her. Living in the southern US in the early 20th century, this was not always easy, and Scout had trouble accepting African Americans. They were “different” and they should not be treated normally. However, as the novel progresses, Scout learns to understand the people around her and to put herself in their shoes. She finds that doing so reveals unknown facets of her personality to her. Thus, others were necessary in her personal quest for self-understanding.</p>

<p>From an anthropological standpoint, humans have very many similarities. A common moral compass is present in all individuals. (For instance, incest, murder, necrophilia, etc. are all frowned upon, and often expressly forbidden, in nearly all cultures.) Furthermore, all humans share a need for freedom and the respect of their rights. These are but a few of the similarities common to all humans. Through understanding of others, we may find that we understand ourselves better. The similarities between us account for this.</p>

<p>The need for others in self-understanding is omnipresent in all areas of human life. History, anthropology, and literature all prove this. No human is an island, and thus the need for others in our quest for self-understanding is evident.

</p>

<p>What do you think? I would really appreciate it if you could give me a concrete score (0-12) in addition to a comment. Thanks!</p>

[Quix]

<p>Question:L Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>Although the term “Hero” is a subjective term that has garnered a association with those who accomplish extraordinary feats, it has been delineated both in history and literature that simply voicing ones opinions and defying the status quo of society can be considered “heroic” </p>

<p>In the early 1900’s, the United States were undergoing an economic boom; The 1930s was an era of halcyon, a period in which big industries defined the face of the new nation. However, such success also came with its consequences. The rapidly increasing prices of stocks, over-speculation, and a variety of other factors contributed to the great depression. The depression pummeled the then burgeoning nation into debt and unemployment, inducing ubiquitous depravity. </p>

<p>The president at the time, Hoover, did little to ameliorate the depression. His efforts were often selfish and feckless. However, Hoover was eventually succeeded by Franklin Delano Roosevelt, a charismatic man who promised to restore the economy. Needless to say, Roosevelt kept his words. He implemented a series of “New Deals” and passed a myriad of legislations that helped abate unemployment; he assume power and broke traditional qualifications of the executive to complete his goal- to help the american people. He was undisputedly regarded as a hero by millions of americans. </p>

<p>In the book 1984 by george orwell (Pseudonym of Eric Blair), the protagonist Winston Smith was in discordance with the totalitarian government. Though he is prohibited from thinking, he thinks nontheless. He tries to liberate himself and his eventual lover, julia, from the new world order. Unfortunately, his actions were met with immense opposition that eventually resulted in the victory of the state. However, despite Smiths failure to free himself from the tyranny, he represents the will in us all. He represents the individual, the maverick. To us, he is a hero. </p>

<p>heroes are often portrayed as extraordinary in the light of mere fantasy, where a man saves a town of people from a physical threat. We see that this is not always the case; Whether it be in history, or literature- or even fantasy- heroism can take the form of expression, individuality, and the pursuit of freedom and peace. </p>

<p>Thanks again steamedrice! this is my second time and my last .</p>

[Canadianftw]

<p>yeah steamedrice! this is like a best thread ever =)</p>

<p>here my essay…letter for letter as was written</p>

<p>Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>

<p>Essay:

As our culture has become too confessional and self expressive, people should indeed put forth a greater effort to keep things private. Society has forgotten the virtues of privacy and has instead tolerated an invasion of privacy. The modern technology which allows every to network openly is not as innocuous as it seems. As well, appreciation of privacy is delineated in classic literary works.</p>

<p>A revolutionary invention in our lifetime is the internet, and the resources that consequently bloomed. Hundreds of millions of people use MySpace and Facebook, openly allowing mere acquaintances or even strangers have access to their private information such as emails and phone numbers. Unfortunately, the paucity of effort to keep lives private comes with consequences. Strangers can read messages between two friends and figure out exactly what they plan to do the next day - a term that has been coined “wall stalking.” Even more severe, is the phenomenon of child molestors and pedophiles using these social networking sites to find their next victims. If people put more effort into sustaining their privacy, such malicious acts could be prevented.</p>

<p>The importance of privacy has also been illustrated in literature; specifically, Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own The title is a metaphor for privacy, as Woolf’s thesis is that for a woman to be able to write, she needs her own room. Woolf substantiates her claim throughout her novel by having her protagonist interrupted several times in the process of brainstorming ideas. Woolf’s implication is that such obstacles in women’s writing would have been evaded had women had access to privacy at the time. She furthers her thesis, stating that had privacy been available, female literature could have taken off in the early 17th century, as opposed to two whole centuries later. Literary demonstrates that there are virtues associated with keeping things private.</p>

<p>As observation of modern technology and an insight into literature has demonstrated, people should indeed make more of an effort to keep some things private. There are frightening consequences if a dubious figure acquires private information such as an address, and one never knows what sort of innovations can be produced by appreciating one’s right to privacy.</p>

<p>

</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi toji,</p>

<p>Welcome to collegeconfidential! I’d score your essay a 8-9. Although it had a very unique, funny concept, there were some language flaws and imperfect execution. More below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+The concept—satirizing your own experience on the SAT—is not a completely original one, but it’s humorous and actually fits the prompt quite well. This approach to this prompt has the potential to work very well. The last sentence was fairly humorous.</p>

<p>+Good writer’s voice. You successfully conveyed a frantic, urgent tone to the reader before shifting it to a triumphant tone at the end. </p>

<p>+Good usage of the semicolon, adding some sophisticated language use into the essay.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The concept simply took too long to develop, and too much of the essay was superfluous or unneeded. The first two paragraphs and part of the third paragraph all basically had the same role within the essay, and often it seemed like sentences were put in just to take up space. While this, to some extent, reflects the way of writing of someone who is frantic, it was overdone here and the essay seemed to drag on. Instead, I would have tried more melodramatic satirical writing at parts.</p>

<p>-There were some errors in language use throughout. For example, the first sentence should be worded more like “…a boring essay topic that I have no ideas for.” “The clock is tinkling” should be “ticking.” “How can I still at the start” should be “how can I sit still.” A lot of subjects/verbs were in inverse order in the last paragraph, and so on. </p>

<p>Overall, you took a risk in your approach to this essay, and it paid off to some extent because your unique concept fit the prompt of being forced into action. However, some dubious language use and redundant, excessive sentences held the idea back at parts. Work on streamlining your writing and making sure that each sentence has a concrete, significant purpose.</p>

<p>Thanks for posting your essay here! I hope I’ve helped you. If you have any questions or concerns, post here or PM me.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi khan91,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay around an 8. More details below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+You defined competitive as being “ruthless and pragmatic.” Defining vague terms in the prompt helps narrow and strengthen your overall message.</p>

<p>+You took each example and developed them fully, giving strong details about each individual (you and Adam Mills, in this case) that supported their “success” after adopting a competitive attitude.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-Try to avoid first person. Never say “I believe that…” or “I’ll conclude that…” in a formal essay. Other language use was a bit off as well; twice you switched from using “one” to “he” in the same sentence (like in the final sentence of the essay). </p>

<p>-Try to choose stronger examples. SAT graders tend to prefer examples taken from history, classical literature, or current events. Writing using examples from these areas demonstrates that you have significant knowledge. Personal events and sports tend to be considered as less sophisticated, and SAT graders will lower your score correspondingly.</p>

<p>-Work on your introduction and conclusion. In addition to eliminating the first person usage, try the CABE structure for introductions.

You might want to use a simple, powerful introductory structure I call the CABE structure, standing for Contradiction-Assertion-Because-Examples. You begin with the “contradiction,” presenting the opposite side of what you wish to say. Then you transition with a “however” into YOUR assertion and follow with a “because” statement that narrows down your thesis to a specific point. Then you quickly describe your examples. The key is for your thesis to be narrow and specific.

For conclusions, try to give a brief summary of your overall thesis and a recap of how your examples connect to this thesis. End by reinforcing and strengthening your thesis. </p>

<p>Hope this helped! As always, let me know if you have any questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[daman11]

<p>question steamedrice? would u consider the scarlet letter and great gatsby overused literary references?</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>I hate these prompts. Can’t they just give us the normal quotation with agree/disagree? :mad: </p>

<p>Anyway:</p>

<p>

Describing his vision for the world’s future, President Franklin D. Roosevelt told Congress in 1941 that “… we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression … The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way … The third is freedom from want … The fourth is freedom from fear.”

</p>

<p>Assignment: All four freedoms are crucial in a free society. Yet, Roosevelt may be faulted for not adding a fifth, a sixth, or even more freedoms to the list. Given the opportunity to add another freedom, what would you choose? Feel free to invent a new freedom or simply pick one that already exists in the Bill of Rights or elsewhere. Support your positions with reasoning and examples …</p>

<p>My Essay</p>

<p>In 1941, President Roosevelt laid down the four fundamental freedoms of our country: Freedom of expression, of religion, from fear, and from want. Yet, for our nation to be truly democratic, the most important one is freedom from disparity. For everyone to be free, there can be no discriminatory biases - whether by sex, religion, race, or financial status.</p>

<p>In Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens, Abel Magwitch is tried and falsely accused of forgery. Although all evidence of the crime points to Compeyson, the actual culprit, it is overlooked as Compeyson is from a more affluent background. Despite his innocence, Magwitch is exiled forever - coerced into leaving everything behind: friends, family, and what little property he possesses. On the other hand, Compeyson is left free to scheme and plot - ultimately conning more individuals for their wealth. Thus, because of his social influence, Compeyson is saved while an innocent Magwitch is penalized for his lowly class.</p>

<p>Similarly, for most of America’s ‘independent’ history, racial prejudices were held against Indians. Believed to be uncivilized and barbaric, native Americans were regarded as illiterate cave-men without any sense of morality or conscience. They were not even considered human, and their arts and beliefs were mocked. Throughout the years, Indians have been belittled and even hunted - entire clans wiped out! Even in a nation as precocious as the United States, they feared standing up for themselves … especially in court, for they feared an impartial judge and jury. How can a country claim to be a democratic republic if such prejudices are held? Were FDR’s freedoms only for the white man?</p>

<p>It may thus be observed that no modern nation can truly be considered democratic without freedom from disparity. As with Abel Magwitch, and as with Native Americans, injustices were held just because of their class and race. For everyone to be free, it is essential for everyone to be equal - regardless of their social or economic background.</p>

[cristina89]

<p>Hey Richard,</p>

<p>Thanks for your PM clarification. I have written another, more ‘formulaic’ essay. What do you think of it?</p>

<p>All people who have achieved greatness in something knew what they excelled at. These people identified the skills that made them special - good judgment, or courage, or a special artistic or literary talent - and focused on developing these skills. Yet most people achieve superiority in nothing because they fail to identify and develop their greatest attribute.</p>

<p>Do people achieve greatness only by finding out what they are especially god at and developing that attribute above all else?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>People cannot develop their talent if they do not know what that talent is. While ostensibly some believe, or want to believe, that great people will achieve their full potential no matter what, in reality many people do not know what they are good at. The story of Mozart and of my friend Joanna serve as compelling examples of this fact.</p>

<p>Mozart is, no doubt, one of the greatest composers that ever existed. His music delights all of us. What is even more amazing about him is that he started playing the piano at age 4. However, there are many opinions who state that he is so great BECAUSE he started at age 4. He discovered his talent very early in his life and had every condition to make the most out of it. had he discovered the piano in adolescence or as an adult, he would have less time to develop his skills; he would have become, at most, an average composer. Furthermore, had he never discovered the piano, he would have never shown to the world his magnificent talent. Also, take his music away from him and you have…an ordinary man. Mozart made the most out of his talent, but he did not put an effort to achieve something great beyond music.</p>

<p>Mozart was lucky yo find a piano at age 4. Others, however, do not find out about their talent until it is too late to develop it. My friend Joanna has always been overweight. Since childhood, her parents fed her a lot and eating has become her major vice. Because she found difficult to make physical effort, she stayed as far of the gym as she could. however, when Physical Education became compulsory in school, there was no escape for her. it was in one of the classes that our instructor discovered the unusual flexibility of her body. Some of the easiest exercises came easily for her. According to the instructor, if Joanna had started gymnastics at a few years old, she could have become a champion. Now, though, it was impossible. her weight disabled her from performing more complex elements. It was way too late. Her talent will remain known only to her.</p>

<p>As Mozart and my friend Joanna reveal, the only way to achieve greatness is find out your strengths and develop them. Otherwise, your talent will be wasted. We should create more opportunities for kids to get in contact with different fields - this is the only way to discover the future leaders in any field.</p>

[toji]

<p>Thank you, steamedrice. Your comments are great. I just wanted to make the answer different. Your advice has totally encouraged me to take risk some more times. Thank you once again.</p>

[cristina89]

<p>I forgot to ask you something: do you think it’s ok to write a word in capitals in order to stress it?</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi rockermcr,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay an 8. More details below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Solid selection of historical and literary examples. The traumatic aftermath of World War II and Scout’s experiences in To Kill a Mockingbird can both connect well with the given prompt.</p>

<p>+Good use of language throughout. The sentence structure was highly varied, and there were no real usage or grammar mistakes. </p>

<p>+Both the introduction and conclusion are fairly interesting and contribute to a sophisticated impression of the piece. Try to avoid saying that you are “proving” your assertion, however; proofs are best left to mathematicians and scientists.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The first example is very, very vague. You want your examples to be detailed and specific, not describing some vague, possibly hypothetical people in the aftermath of the World War. This example could have been very powerful if you described the story of one specific family or one specific person. </p>

<p>-The second example developed well initially, but again ended on a very vague note. You didn’t specify which “unknown facets” of Scout’s personality were revealed. </p>

<p>-You seemed confused at times what your thesis and the prompt was. The prompt asked you if we needed others to find ourselves, not whether all people shared similarities. In both your first and third body paragraphs, you spent a lot of time supporting the latter statement—with no real connection between the two. Your third body paragraph especially wasn’t connected to the prompt in any logical way.</p>

<p>Overall, it seems like all the elements of a 10+ essay are present. However, the body paragraphs are lacking critical details and don’t always correspond with the prompt. Improve the quality of your body paragraphs by being more specific, and you will easily be at a 10 level. Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>Thanks a lot! Your advice is really good! :)</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi again Quix,</p>

<p>I looked in your other topic and saw that people were grading this essay a 7-8. I read it over several times to be sure, but I believe it deserves a little higher, perhaps a strong 8 or a 9, explained below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Impressive use of an arsenal of advanced vocabulary words and varied sentence structure. Watch out for grammatical errors, however, as they dampen the effect of sophisticated language use.</p>

<p>+Strong choice of a second example. 1984 undoubtedly fits this prompt, and the plight of Winston Smith is a solid case of verbal heroism. </p>

<p>+Good development of the first example, with all details being elaborated and everything being fully explained.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-The first example doesn’t require an entire body paragraph to set up the background. Most people are familiar with the Great Depression. </p>

<p>-Don’t rush through your introduction so fast; it has all the correct elements but they’re all jammed into one sentence. </p>

<p>-Work on the selection of your first example and the development of your second. Franklin Delano Roosevelt did things that required courage, but his actions don’t really fit the prompt; he didn’t say anything that other people lacked the courage to say. In your second example, your description of Winston’s courageous actions is very vague, as is your description of the eventual consequences.</p>

<p>Overall, there’s a significant improvement in style and the elements from the other essay you posted. However, this essay is held back somewhat by its examples; remember to select examples that fit perfectly with the prompt, and fully elaborate all the relevant details. Work on that, and you’ll be writing at a 10+ level without problem.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi canadianftw,</p>

<p>I’d score this essay a 9-10. More details below…</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Good choice of examples. It was especially interesting how you chose an extended essay to write about as a literary example rather than the traditional novel (make sure you don’t call it a novel next time). The Myspace/Facebook example is also highly appropriate.</p>

<p>+Good development of said examples. Although your interpretation of a Room of One’s Own isn’t completely correct, SAT graders would probably let it pass, and it fits well with the prompt. Both examples have all details clarified. The conclusion was also strong.</p>

<p>+Good language use, with some advanced vocabulary (innocuous, paucity, delineated, etc.)</p>

<p>Weaknesses:

• Watch out for grammatical errors. There were several throughout the essay (“as well,” “allows every to network” etc.) Also, look up the usage of a semicolon so you don’t misuse it as you did in the first sentence of the Woolf paragraph. </p>

<p>-Avoid overgeneralizing, especially in your introduction. Your first two sentences both contained extreme overgeneralizations that didn’t fit with the rest of the essay. Look on the first page of this thread for an explanation of the CABE structure, a simple and powerful way to write introductions.</p>

<p>-Include a transition in between the two examples. Especially for two examples as dissimilar as Woolf and Myspace, a transitory sentence is required.</p>

<p>Overall, you’re a strong writer with a solid conception of how an SAT essay should be written. Now, it’s time to go into the details—fixing grammar mistakes, strengthening your introduction, and smoothening out the flow of your essay. Address these issues and you will be at a strong 10 or perhaps even higher.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! Let me know if you have any questions.</p>

<p>Richard</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>daman11:
The Great Gatsby and the Scarlet Letter are both examples that are used extremely often, but that should not stop you from using them if the situation calls for it. The most important thing is that your example, whether it’s common or obscure, fit and connect to the prompt very well.</p>

<p>cristina:
I think it’s fine to put a word in caps to emphasize it.</p>

[voodoo_santa]

<p>I have a question on examples. Is it ok to use personal examples (made up) to get a good score or does it HAVE to be literary and historical ones?</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>voodoo_santa:
It’s acceptable to use personal examples, but SAT graders strongly prefer literary/historical examples in general. This is for two primary reasons: 1) historical/literary examples demonstrate important knowledge and give the impression of an educated, intelligent writer and 2) personal examples can easily be made up.</p>

<p>In general, feel free to use a personal example if you cannot find a fitting historical/literary example, but make sure it is highly detailed and well-connected to the prompt.</p>

[steamedrice]

<p>Hi uttaresh,</p>

<p>Like you said, this prompt was atypical, but I felt like you responded fairly well to it. I’d score this essay a 10, explained below.</p>

<p>Strengths:
+Very strong introduction and an interesting, powerful thesis. The introduction established the topic of the essay well, and you chose a very important freedom to discuss. </p>

<p>+The Great Expectations example was very solid. It fit your thesis well and prominently illustrated a case of class discrimination. </p>

<p>+”How can a country claim to be a democratic republic if such prejudices are held? Were FDR’s freedoms only for the white man?” Powerful words, powerful sentences.</p>

<p>Weaknesses:
-I would have limited your list of discriminatory biases to the ones you specifically discussed in your essay. You always want to focus on something narrow and specific.</p>

<p>-The second example was very vague and didn’t have clear details about how the Native Americans were discriminated against. You always want your body paragraphs to be specific and detailed; here, it would’ve been more effective to give a specific example of Native American Discrimination, such as the Indian Removal Act or a specific case with a biased judge/jury.</p>

<p>-Make sure both example paragraphs are connected explicitly to the prompt. The first body paragraph is connected to the idea that class discrimination exists, but not to the idea that we should include a freedom from disparities. </p>

<p>Overall, this was an unusual prompt; however, your thesis was intriguing and powerful. The main issues with this essay lay in the examples; they need to be highly specific and connect directly to the prompt.</p>

<p>Hope this helped! As always, let me know if you have any questions/concerns.</p>

<p>Richard</p>