<p>Hi potter fan,</p>
<p>I saw in your other topic that most readers on collegeconfidential scored this essay a 10, but on the real SAT it would be graded slightly lower, probably an 8-9. Let me explain below…</p>
<p>Strengths:
+The first example is excellent. It includes concrete, specific, and relevant details—such as the citation of Benjamin Franklin’s newspaper. It clearly demonstrates how the media determined what was important to the people of the colonies during the time of the American Revolution. </p>
<p>+It stood out to me how you referenced your introduction in your conclusion. Although the execution of your introduction and conclusion was slightly off (see below), this reference was clever and would leave the reader with a good lasting impression.</p>
<p>Weaknesses:
-You need to form a single, specific idea and unify every sentence around the support of that idea. While you put forth an adequate thesis (the media shapes our lives and ideas), you presented several other ideas that weren’t relevant and slightly confusing. For example, the sentences about America becoming an “advanced nation” and “progressing forward” don’t relate to the prompt at all. </p>
<p>-Similarly to the bullet point above, the introduction seemed to contain more than one idea. Don’t talk about how the media has changed since 1776; focus on how the media is important in determining what is significant to people.</p>
<p>-The second example is much weaker than the first example. While you included some details, the paragraph didn’t progress logically and didn’t really show the effect of the media on the thoughts of the people. You just stated “this is having heavy influence over our choice and what we consider important enough to base our predidential vote on” without actually specifying what kind of “heavy influence” it is having.</p>
<p>Overall, this is a solid essay with a few flaws. The major area to work on would be staying consistent to the thesis; make sure you don’t introduce other ideas besides a narrow, specific response to the prompt. Address this issue and you will easily write at a 10+ level.</p>
<p>Hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions.</p>
<p>Richard</p>