<p><a href=“20 of Steven Wright's Funniest Jokes | Mental Floss”>http://mentalfloss.com/article/60461/20-steven-wrights-funniest-jokes-his-59th-birthday</a></p>
<ol>
<li><p>It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.</p></li>
<li><p>I called the wrong number today. I said “Hello, is Joey there?” A woman answered and she said “yes he is.” And I said ‘can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘no, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.” I said “alright, I’ll wait.”</p></li>
<li><p>I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>had never heard of him before, but he’s funny!</p>
<p>Have always liked him - here are a few of my favorites:</p>
<p>I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’</p>
<p>“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, ‘Cut it out.’”</p>
<p>I have a map of the United States… actual size. It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.” I spent last summer folding it.</p>
<p>One of my faves: For my birthday I got both a humidifier and a dehumidifier, so I put them in a room together and let them fight it out. </p>
<p>I still listen to I Have A Pony. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing.</p>
<p>Love these jokes. They are soooo good.</p>
<p>Some favorites from him:</p>
<p>What do batteries run on?</p>
<p>I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.</p>
<p>I bought some instant water but didn’t know what to add.</p>
<p>BTW, for those who don’t know, he actually won an Oscar. I believe for best short film if I recall.</p>
<p>My favorite: I childproofed my house…but they keep getting in…</p>