Yesterday the New York Times posted an article about Americans having fewer children:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/05/upshot/americans-are-having-fewer-babies-they-told-us-why.html
H and I waited 10 years to have kids and we were asked a lot of rude questions. I NEVER ask anyone about their plans for children. Not my business.
It is a cultural thing what we perceive as rude. Americans will ask people about what they do for work. It’s a way to size up someone’s educational/economical background. Chinese will ask others on how much money they make, and Americans would think it is rude.
When I talk to someone I do not know and I happen to talk about my children, I would ask, “Do you have children?” If they say no then I wouldn’t follow up with additional questions. Some people may think it is rude, but I don’t think so. I am single now and sometimes people would ask if I was dating. Sometimes I’ll just say no or say more if I am in the mood, but I don’t take offense to it. I think people are just trying to make conversation. If you are comfortable in not having children then just say so and move on, no need for a long explanation unless you want to.
“My DH & I were married for several years before we had kids, so I lived through LOTS of questions about “When are you going to have children?” My mom one time said to me flat out that she thought it was SELFISH for people to NOT have children.”
At least it was your own mom saying this so you could tell her to keep it to herself. My in-laws were the ones who constantly needled me about having kids. We were married for 10 years (so funny to see another poster also waited that long, don’t see that often!) before we had kids and for the first 5 years of marriage when we’d have kids was the #1 thing either of my in-laws talked about; that, and how it was the “natural order” for women to care for the children and “keep the home”. I had a fantastic, high powered corporate career at the time which they refused to acknowledge or understand. (And these were not stupid people, my MIL speaks 3 languages.) If they ever mentioned my employment at all, they’d describe me as a secretary.
“I’ll let you know.” Then change the subject.
I’m friends with a couple in their late 70s who never had kids. I have no idea why, but they’ve traveled the world and have lived the most interesting lives. I’ve now seen her response to people quite a few times, it’s always the same answer. She just came up with a canned answer that I imagine has been very painful for her over her lifetime. I do think she over explains. When people ask if she has kids I want her to just say no, but instead she goes into an elaborate story.
I’m a big believer that things are none of my business until you tell me otherwise. And I certainly think if you don’t want children you shouldn’t have them.
I was similar in that my wife and I dated for 10 years and the question was always “when are you getting married?” This came from a lot of directions but mainly my mother. I finally asked her why she cared so much? She stumbled around a bit and then I asked “what is it we can do married that we can’t do now?” This really threw her for a loop and the only thing she could say was she wanted grand kids, all of her friends had grand kids. I answered that “I am not ready to be responsible for another life but when I am we will get married.” This shut her up until about a month after the wedding.
My response to personal questions depends very much on who is doing the asking. If it’s a family member or friend then I just answer the question honestly — because I am going to keep seeing them and they are just going to keep asking. Easiest to just nip it in the bud.
Questions from strangers, acquaintances and colleagues are going to strike us all differently. I agree with a previous post that often these inquiries are just to make conversation or to get to know you better. The children question would not bother me but if it did I see nothing wrong with simply saying “that’s a personal question that I am not comfortable discussing.” I don’t understand getting all outraged over it, just let them know you aren’t engaging on the subject and move on. Hopefully they will get the message.
The only question that I have often been on the receiving end of that irritates me somewhat is “what does your husband do for a living?” It irritated me when I was at home raising my children and continues to irritate me now that I am back in the workforce. It’s always from someone who barely knows me and has never met my H, so I just don’t get where it comes from. I get it from both men and women. I’m not entirely sure why it ruffles me but it makes me feel vaguely sidelined, especially in a professional environment. I usually just answer the question rather than escalate and appear defensive or touchy.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: The OP was a multiple account of a banned user, so is no longer with us. Closing thread.