<p>yes, but your children are not your spouse.</p>
<p>or, maybe I should rephrase: your spouse is not your child</p>
<p>Your spouse is your family. Your spouse is not his siblings’ family any longer. You take care of your spouse when s/he is sick and your spouse does the same when you are sick.</p>
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<p>It would be nice, yes. I’ve been thanked for that.</p>
<p>It is tough to understand family sometimes, especially when there is a serious chronic illness involved. Be the shoulder and support for your friend and encourage her to think only good thoughts, that they really do appreciate all that she does for her husband and kids and how well she’s hold up to adversity. Challenges do “test our mettle,” and some folks withstand it much more gracefully than others.</p>
<p>Sometimes folks don’t know what to say, so “thanks” is one of the things they come up with. It can be hard for someone to accept care when they’ve been so independent, so your hubby is doing what he can to be a good patient and feels that thanking you may be part of the package.</p>
<p>It has been shown that expressing gratitude IS HEALING, so it is good for her to encourage these positive thoughts in her hubby anyway–thankfulness at being alive to share his life with the kids and your friend, etc. Imagery & the mind body connection are underrated but so powerful.</p>
<p>I’ve been thanked & thanked others when there is illness and someone is doing A LOT more because of it. It’s not something that is NEEDED, but it is appreciated to have some acknowledgment that more work is being shouldered.</p>
<p>Agree the sibs probably meant well when they thanked her. However, it’s a lesson to me to watch what I say. “You are doing such a good job of caring for him. OR: He’s lucky to have you taking care of him.” would have been much more effective compliments. I might have been insulted as well.</p>
<p>I think it’s the spouse’s responsibility much more than the sibling’s. Not really the sib’s place to say ‘thank you’. Somehow it implies some type of ownership. --Something you’d say to a sitter or friend for looking after your kids in your absence. It’s your job, so you thank somebody who’s doing the job for you…</p>
<p>When questioned about the stress cancer (and other life threatening illnesses) put on a marriage, statistics say 60% of men leave the marriage. Women are more likely to stay, but many leave.</p>
<p>Is this a function of a weak marriage/and or character? Yes. </p>
<p>Perhaps your husband’s siblings recognize how challenging this is and how grateful they are for your love and care of someone THEY love.</p>
<p>I think this is a compliment. You are a good person.</p>
<p>If someone was taking good care of someone I love, I would thank that person, too, even if it was my sibling’s spouse. I’m guessing these siblings wish they were able to help with their sibling’s care more – as would I – so they are thanking the spouse for all she is doing without their help.</p>
<p>Tell your friend she is doing a great job taking care of her spouse, and reassure her that his siblings notice and are appreciative. When things are stressful and scary, everyone needs to cut everyone else some slack and assume the best of each other.</p>
<p>Without more context I don’t see how its insulting at all. Maybe there is more to it, which we are obviously not privvy to, or she is just simply exhausted and super-sensitive (for obvious and understandable reasons). </p>
<p>I would read it as they are just very thankful for her and all she is doing, pure and simple. Just because you expect someone to behave a certain way or think they should given who they are or because of their role in life, doesn’t mean you should take them for granted and not be deeply appreciative! I think she probably IS doing a wonderful job and they are deeply grateful for it. Thank god they said so! Too many caregivers are taken for granted and get no sympathy, understanding or appreciate from anyone. </p>
<p>When I have been sick or my spouse has been sick, I know we both thank one another for being taken care of. Because we appreciate and acknowledge how much that care means to us. It is not about the unexpected, it’s about appreciation.</p>
<p>As an aside, if you look at the stats, actually it’s pretty sad how many abandon their sick spouses.</p>
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<p>By whom? If by your kids or spouse, sure. I’d feel funny if by my MIL, Thank you for taking good care of my grandchildren? I probably won’t pay much attention but if I am asked about it, I’d say it’s odd. Why not just share the stress and show sympathy and offer to help?</p>
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<p>I have a kid, now grown, with a chronic illness. I have helped navigate insurance issues, find physicians and been a support and she has expressed her appreciation. My MIL has also expressed her appreciation to me because it gives her peace of mind to know that her grandchild has good support and she tells me she appreciates how grounded I’ve been, etc. I see nothing wrong with a grandparent thanking their kids or in-laws for caring well for their grandchildren. I plan on doing it myself someday. Parenting is hard work. I hope I can remember how hard it was and thank my kids when they do it well.</p>
<p>OP, I’m not exactly in your friend’s position, but there are enough similarities that I’ll share with you something that happened last week.</p>
<p>My aging, ailing parents are in assisted living, so I’m not exactly their caregivers. However, I am the child who’s in town and I deal on a daily basis with their crises large and small. At times it is a burden – certainly not on the level of dealing with a seriously ill spouse, but still physically and emotionally exhausting, and very consuming of time and attention.</p>
<p>Last week my further-away brother said, “I know how hard this is on you, and I wish there were more that we could do to help. But I wanted to let you know that we appreciate everything you do, and we love you.” All the attention and concern in our family is focused on my parents, properly so. But I gotta tell you, it felt wonderful to hear someone say that they were concerned about me as well. It was like water in the desert. </p>
<p>Lacking any evidence to the contrary, I hope your friend can bring herself to see the sib’s statements in the same spirit. Caregiving is a hard, hard job, and the caregiver’s needs are often overlooked. She should grab all the support she can get; it will help her keep going.</p>
<p>OP, here.</p>
<p>For the record, the spouse IS very grateful for his wife’s loving and thorough care. I think her concern comes from the stress of the last several months. Her husband IS very grateful for her care, concern and love and expresses it regularly. I think she would have received the remarks more comfortably had they come from children or even parents, but the siblings have never been that close and she thought it was odd for them to thank her rather than say she was doing a great job, etc. The problem, I’m convinced, is with semantics. To her credit, she isn’t wasting energy over it; she remains focused on her husband.</p>
<p>^Good for her. I am sure she has enough to worry.</p>
<p>LasMa - I am that far away sibling. I know I am very lucky to have siblings who are willing to take care of our parents. I thank them every chance I have. They are doing my share of the job.</p>
<p>Been there had that sucky t shirt. Your friend is prob exhausted, sensitive and feels pretty anxious, isolated and raw. In that state everything seems suspect. Statements rub you wrong, you wonder what was meant, implied, etc. They prob meant well, even if awkwardly stated. How I wish someone would have expressed gratitude… </p>
<p>And yes some spouses, significant others can’t/won’t/don’t stay to care for their loved one. Its difficult to know what determines who stays and who goes unless you’ve been there. It is a stressful situation.</p>
<p>Let’s face it, in the absence of a willing spouse and/or adult children, most people assume (and you know what they say about assume) the next in line to take care of a chronically ill adult is their blood relatives. Seriously, I can’t count the number of caretakers, friends, etc. who judge immediate family members for not stepping forward to help care for a sick family member. They judge because they assume (or are culturally taught) that’s what everyone should do. Many, many people feel this way and expect this of adult siblings, etc., no matter what their relationship might have been in the past. If these adult siblings are of the kind who would obviously feel responsible and obligated if this wife were one of the ones to bail out, then maybe they actually do feel gratitude because, with her ongoing supportive presence and courage, they don’t have to worry about putting their own lives on hold to do so.</p>
<p>This attitude does not reflect that she has somehow been absent or distant in the past; it just suggests that they really, really do not want to take on her role (as is expected by a lot of people), and are grateful they don’t have to.</p>
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<p>Why not just accept that different people have different ways of expressing sympathy/support/gratitude and let it go at that?</p>
<p>I was thanked by several of my husband’s family members for being there for him and taking care of him when he had cancer. It absolutely never occurred to me to be offended, to think they were “bizarre” or insulting me. Life is just too short to spend it wasting negative energy.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like the BIL knew someone whose spouse bailed when the going got tough. I know more than one situation where that happened. I would not take the remark in the wrong spirit. Life is tough enough as it is without looking for snark where there is none.</p>
<p>OP, you have a wonderful opportunity to help your friend here in explaining how very grateful these siblings likely are to her. I had a similar situation within my family once and I was beyond grateful for the care a relative provided. I wanted to make sure the caregiver knew that I was so grateful from the bottom on my heart and it never occurred to me these comments would be taken any other way. Please enlighten her as to the extent to which a sibling can feel a grateful ness beyond measure and let her know that if the situation is anything like mine, it made me think of him as an angel to provide the level of support I witnessed. I think another poster said it so well to “assume good intentions”. I truly believe that’s the case.</p>
<p>Especially when you’re stressed and depressed, it may be hard to take compliments as they are meant to be taken (and some people always have trouble with this). As in:
“You look beautiful today.”
“Are you saying I looked ugly yesterday?”
And some compliments (such as “you’ve lost weight”) do contain at least a ghost of criticism of the past.
This one, I think, is a criticism of other people who don’t step up in hard times.</p>