<p>My BFF has been caring for her husband, a cancer patient, for the last several months and often uses me as her sounding board. On 2 different occasions his siblings have thanked her for taking care of their brother and she is offended by the remarks. His brother thanked her for “sticking with him and taking care of him” and she laughed it off at the time, saying that’s what you do for people you love. His reply was something like “not everyone does”. </p>
<p>The more she thinks about these remarks, the more upset she becomes. It’s as if the siblings didn’t think much of her prior to the illness. She said to me, “What did they think I’d do? Just walk away?” She was quite upset this morning, telling me the story over coffee and I must admit it does seem like a strange thing to say when she’s working so hard to fight this damned disease and take care of her husband and her kids. The prognosis is uncertain and she is obviously under considerable stress. FWIW, the sibs aren’t exceptionally close and live several states apart. They do see each other every couple of years and talk frequently.</p>
<p>Can anybody shed any light on these remarks? Would you have had a similar reaction?</p>
<p>Well, it’s true that not everyone does. It’s possible that they are simply very very grateful to her for helping their brother when he really needs it.</p>
<p>There’s probably an element of guilt that’s coming from them as well.</p>
<p>Wow, if my sister’s husband were taking good care of her while she was sick, I could see myself thanking him! It doesn’t mean I thought less of him before, it just means I’m grateful someone is watching out for my little sister. I think your friend is making a mountain out of a molehill. I think you’re right - it could be that the stress of her husband’s illness is getting to her.</p>
<p>Or it could mean they didn’t really think she was part of the family before, and after he’s gone she won’t be again.** If she feels like its a slight, it probably is. Or at least it is to her. In this situation, she gets to be right. Keep being a sounding board, she needs it.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like a slightly awkward way of expressing appreciation and gratitude. I would tell her that under the circumstances, she should just take the kind words at face value. I know I would tell a sister-in-law in that situation how grateful I am that my brother had her.</p>
<p>Perhaps they are trying to acknowledge her burden, have seen some examples of people walking away, and don’t know how else to state their appreciation. It may feel a bit bizarre, but they might just be a little socially awkward. The situation is awkward, and very sad, and they’re trying to reach out. </p>
<p>I’d just accept it at face value, as gratitude. Reading more into it as something negative just causes hurt, and doesn’t help their relationship or her feelings.</p>
<p>I don’t think she should be looking at this as an insult.</p>
<p>These people probably know of instances where some “seemingly good” spouses have shocked people by not taking care of their sick spouses.</p>
<p>They are complimenting her…not insulting her. </p>
<p>I highly doubt that they thought she was some kind of flake before this happened. </p>
<p>I know that in my home town in Calif, there have been a few “seemingly good” husbands who’ve abandon their wives after cancer was diagnosed. It’s been shocking to learn that these “seemingly great” husbands did this. I guess they were fine when their wives were well, but had no intention of being burdened with what comes with having a seriously ill spouse.</p>
<p>Unless there have been previous examples of thoughtlessness, I’d encourage your friend to blow it off. I’d assume they meant well. If they say it again, I suppose she could just be direct and say that that remarks hurts her feelings because, of course, she’s going to take care of him.</p>
<p>I don’t see anything strange about thanking someone for giving good care to a sibling. When my sister was dying of cancer, I was living out of the country and unable to be there or lend much help til the very end. I thanked all her friends and caretakers for doing everything they could for her in my absence.</p>
<p>The BFF’s in laws no doubt feel very thankful that their brother has someone to take care of him and rather than be thankful silently, they expressed their thanks directly to her. I can’t see how she can feel offended by this. Unless, her anger springs more from the overall situation, her husband’s illness and the stress she is under, and she is misdirecting the anger at them…perhaps because they are not there for him as well.</p>
<p>I had people thank me for taking care of my sister. I don’t see anything wrong in that. I think people like to acknowledge that others are caring; that they are stepping up to the plate. And the brother is right, not everyone sticks around. I think they are just trying to find some good in a very sad situation.</p>
<p>I think your friend is reading it wrong. If it was my brother, I would thank my SIL too, and it would be sincere. There have been too many instances when a spouse has bailed, so I would take it as a compliment. Now is the time when family should stick together. Your friend is probably just very stressed, I would encourage her to look at the bright side.</p>
<p>I think it was an expression of gratitude. The “not everyone does” was said after she deflected the compliment and it is true. Not everyone does. Not only do some people actually bail out, some people stay but aren’t good caretakers. They are lacking in that department. It sounds to me that the family is grateful that their brother has someone who is sticking by him and caring for him. I would be grateful too. I don’t think this was meant to be hurtful or that it was inappropriate.</p>
<p>My guess (could be wrong) is that maybe, once, her husband conveyed to his sibs that she was not always there for him, which accounts for their surprise that she’s taking care of him now.</p>
<p>Both times my husband went to Iraq, people made similar remarks to me. I never took them as insults. People admire someone when they honor their vows during the most difficult of times. Maybe it should be so common place that we don’t think twice about it but a lot of people do break their vows and so people want to voice their admiration or thanks.</p>
<p>Since there is no prior history of insults or rudeness, I think your friend is directing her anger in the wrong direction. She might also keep in mind that perhaps she has said things to people over the years that she meant to be kind but were not taken that way and people most likely just let it go.</p>
<p>This is not an insult. Take it as a complement. You cannot dissect the things people say when a family member is dying or has experienced a pregnancy loss or loss of a family member. People can have a funny way of trying to say what they mean.</p>
<p>I would thank my SIL for taking such good care of my brother if he were seriously ill. My mom would thank her, too. I would really mean it, too. And she would always be a part of our family. We all feel he lucked out with his wife and she’s made such a difference in his life in a positive way. We adore her.</p>
<p>I guess I am the only one who agree with OP’s friend. I find it odd the in-laws are thanking. They could symphasize how stressful she may be, not thank her. If I take care of my children when they are sick, should anyone thank me?</p>