The story of the Palo Alto schools is upsetting. I feel very sorry for everyone affected.
Pushing kids to do well competitively and trying to encourage kids to be their best self are two different things in my opinion.
We have pressure cooker schools in our area, and this was something to avoid, in my opinion. Over the years we have met many parents (who were former students in some of the schools), and parents of kids who went to the schools, and some of the mindset is quite questionable to me. We know people who went to “non HYP” ivy schools whose parents felt disappointed in the results. This is nuts to me. I know people who went to H but were disappointed that the kid didn’t go to S or whatever. Nuts in my opinion. You don’t have to go to a pressure cooker school for the parents to feel this way (and thus transfer the feeling to the kids!), but I think there are more of these parents in those school districts.
I know kids who want to go to a certain type of grad school because it is what the parents want - not the kids. Many kids who did all the work to get into “top” colleges find that when they get there and have freedom not to study, practice violin or whatever, that they don’t want to do it. They change from pre-med to something else etc.
For Pragmantic mom and others who see that the kids don’t want to “perform” so to speak, I can understand the frustration, BUT - you shouldn’t really transfer the disappointment to your kids. Yes, you can say that there are consequences - that even if you have a high IQ or do great on SAT on natural talent if your grades are average, top schools won’t usually want you. I wouldn’t pay for music lessons if the kid doesn’t show interest in playing outside of the lesson. (My own parents pointed this out to me at 12 when I didn’t want to practice - I never faulted them for it- they were right.)
My own kid usually didn’t want to do the things I suggested - no ballet, and no scouting were two in particular. (Also quit music). She did find things that she liked herself, and they were somewhat unexpected to me. More power to her. This was a lesson I learned early on when she rejected my suggestions.