Student Needing Some Support

Parents Forum
1

I didn’t know where to ask for help, so I thought I’d reach out to some experienced adults who may have had kids with similar fears.

I was accepted to the University of Notre Dame through Questbridge. Up until recently, I was very excited about the opportunities I’d have. I was certain I’d be taking the most challenging physics (my intended major) classes on offer, doing exceedingly well in them, while also participating in research under a professor. Now, all I see myself doing is choosing the easiest classes and hiding in my room all day studying (and still performing below my expectations despite my efforts).

On paper, I should be set. I was valedictorian, had A’s for all my classes throughout high school, had a 1540 on the SAT after studying for 6 months (although I got in with a 1390), and got a 770 and 800 on the Math II and Physics subject tests, respectively. Everyone I know seems certain of how easy I’ll find college academics. I, on the other hand, feel completely inadequate.

I’m not completely sure why. Part of it is natural; I’ve always doubted myself. For example, I was considering not even taking AP Calculus AB when choosing classes last year. But I think part of it also stems from the AP Physics exam I took. Of all 7 AP exams I’ve taken, this was the only one where a 5 was in doubt after I left the testing room. It was also the exam I cared most deeply about. Given my experiences with the SAT prior to that 6 month study period, I think I may have severe test anxiety. Therefore, even if I may be able to learn the material in college, I may be unable to show it during exams. In school, this usually wasn’t a problem because we only ever had “tests,” and many of them at that. No single test felt like it mattered all that much. But in college, with midterm exams and final exams, I fear the very terminology will be enough to throw me off.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t heard encouraging stories about college physics. In engineering, for example, I’ve heard of multiple people who were subpar students in high school, but who went on to have the grades needed to get into prestigious graduate schools for engineering; determination was all that was needed. I’ve yet to hear similar stories about physics, which makes me fear that mere determination to be excellent will not be enough.

Now, you may be thinking why I’m so focused on being excellent and why I won’t settle for just “well.” That’s probably because I’ve never had a source of self-worth outside academics. My grades are my life’s work. It is only in them that I find purpose and happiness. There’s just nothing else for me. This gets to the crux of my fears about college: if I will be unable to meet my standards, then I will have failed as a person. And that sort of failure is nothing short of terrifying.

All this has been building up in my mind for the past few weeks, and I just needed a place to put it all out. What advice would you give me? Do you know of anyone who struggled with similar issues? I think I need reassurance above all things.

2

I’m just a mom, but would you please make an appointment with a counselor to help you work through this? Please? And let us know that you have an appointment?

3

You’re a prospective physics major so I’ll assume you like dealing in facts.

Fact-Your grades are NOT who you are starting today. That was high school. That’s over. You get to define yourself through many, many other avenues besides your grades.

Fact- virtually all successful people have dealt with failure at some point. Embrace it! I’m sure you’ve read about Thomas Edison. Read up on famous scientists who have gone down multiple dead ends until they hit on something that works. There’s a reason they don’t award Nobel prizes to smart scientists in their 20’s… it’s because it takes decades of work, and multiple- sometimes dozens of failures- to advance in your discipline. You too can fail, just like a Nobel laureate!

Fact- everyone is scared to start college. Some- like you- because of academic fears. Some have other issues- leaving family behind, worrying about making friends, not liking new and strange environments. All of these are legitimate. This is a scary step you are taking.

Fact- there are people in your life who want to help you navigate this next step. Is there a guidance counselor at school you have a good relationship with? A favorite teacher? Can your doctor refer a counselor? Talking this through may help you demystify why you are feeling the way you are, and can help you develop some coping strategies for the first few weeks.

Now I’m leaving the facts and giving you my opinion- There are dozens of exciting things to study in college, and they don’t have to be physics. One of my kids went off to college as a physics major- that lasted three weeks. He had been the top physics student in his high school- but he found something he loved even more! And a decade later, that’s what he’s doing- not his original plan, but a great plan for him. Loves his work, his colleagues, his bosses, even loves the incredibly stupid staff meetings (because they serve gourmet coffee and nice pastry). My opinion? You are going to dig in to college life, and will find it so rewarding whether or not you end up in physics. There are hundreds of careers you don’t even know about- and one or more of them may be the passion that gets you up in the morning.

Do you know how many millions of people in the world love their jobs and their lives and they’ve never even taken physics??? Lots and lots of millions of people!!!

Big hug. You can do this. Take Threebeans advice and get some outside perspective; everyone struggles with what you are feeling!

4

My S went to a college that we felt was a bit of a reach and we spoke to his (excellent and no-nonsense) guidance counselor about how he might do there. She reassured us that college admissions officers do an outstanding job of taking students who have the ability to be successful at their institution. Our S did attend that reach college – yes he worked very hard and yes there were a couple of bumps along the road but he sought out help as needed and got through them. That said, he absolutely loved his college, made amazing friends, grew in every way possible (academically, socially etc.), graduated with honors, and went on to grad school to a top school in his field (which happened to be ND LOL) .

So take a deep breath, understand you were accepted for a reason and understand that admissions feels you can do the work. Make learning, not just grades the end goal. ND will provide a supportive environment. Be prepared to work hard, seek out help if you need it, and enjoy the ride.

5

  1. I assume you are going to start college in the fall.

  2. Right now you are looking at College as a Monolith…this one big giant thing with hard classes. You don’t know the campus, your roommate, your professors, your dining…it is all a mystery. That unknown makes EVERY freshman nervous.

BUT! Colleges have been dealing with freshman for over a thousand years. You will have orientation to help you get used to things. You will have an adviser that will help you pick reasonable classes. You should not start iwth hard physics classes… you should look at the Physics curriculum and start with the ones they say you should start with. You should spread out the techy/non-tech classes so you have a balance.

Also you should NEVER have the attitude that you know more than the college…I have sseen students here on CC trying to take tons of hard courses freshman year and then come back here and say “what do I do”…we say “don’t take a bunch of upper level courses freshman year!”

Also you should not have the attitude that you can do it all on your own…colleges have many many many support systems and you should learn and USE these. Go to your professor’s office hours…they are specially designated times for students to ask questions. Get a tutor. Talk to your adviser about classes. Form study groups. Go to the Learning resource center.

For example: https://firstyear.nd.edu/resources/academic-support/learning-resource-center/

Here are a bunch of other tips:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1920853-college-is-a-step-up-from-hs-16-tips-on-doing-well-in-college.html

You think that everyone thinks college is a breeze…I have seen those kids tooo…the ones on CC asking us how to write an appeal letter because they failed out. Most kids are nervous like you.

No one will think you are dumb because you used tutors/help, they will think you are dumb because you got bad grades because you didn’t.

Talk to a therapist at college about your grades being the measure of your worth. THey aren’t.

https://firstyear.nd.edu/resources/health-and-safety/the-counseling-center/

Best of luck! Make sure you reach out if you need help!

I once listened to a NPR story about Questbridge type kids who failed because of things like not having a textbook and not affording one and then not doing welll…but they never asked their professors if there were copies in the library or any other work arounds.

People at college want you to succeed…just ask if you have issues.

6

You’ve already gotten very good advice but I’ll my own thoughts.

Forget about needing a 4.0 in college to be successful. From your other posts, you aren’t planning on med school. Your GPA doesn’t need to be perfect. Re-read blossom’s Fact #2. Failure is one of the biggest paths to self growth and discovery. Sometimes we learn more from failing than success.

You are NOT your GPA!

Absolutely be willing to ask for help when you get to ND. My D’s freshman orientation included a ropes course and trust building day. One of their tasks had no way to success without asking help (which was the whole point of that exercise). Go to study sessions, office hours, enlist the help of tutors, etc… Asking for help is a necessary life skill and you don’t need to go it alone.

Your insecurities are very common. You aren’t alone in worry about this.

You’ve got this OP! You are going to a great, supportive school. Booper said it right - ND wants you to succeed!

7

@blossom
Might I ask what your kid ended up studying?
As far as what I love is concerned, that would be linguistic anthropology (taking that as an elective in my first year hopefully). The thing with physics is that it gives me intellectual satisfaction like nothing else — there is a certain pride I feel when I’ve solved a tough problem. I’m definitely not committing to the PhD route, but even a bachelor’s in physics would make me feel accomplished. For a long time, I struggled a lot in math. In high school, I improved exponentially. For me, doing well in physics is proof, both to others and to myself, that I have the ability to excel in a math-heavy subject.

8

@bopper
By challenging classes, I was referring more to electives I would take in my junior and senior years.
Thank you for all the links. I must say, the amount of resources is overwhelming; I wouldn’t know where to start.

9

@blossom
Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like exploration of majors is all that possible at ND. I did my course preference form yesterday, and I had to pick a major (even though majors are declared during second semester). That choice comes with a required course sequence for the first year. My original plan was to take a look at both plain physics and engineering, but that’s not really possible because of the aforementioned required course sequences. I have to pick one and can only really dabble in majors from the college listed on that form.

10

You can change majors at ND – you would work with an advisor to do so. https://al.nd.edu/advising/academic-policies/declare-change-major/

11

@QB18ND23 - I’ll add in to @threebeans on this one. Talking to someone about this can be really helpful. I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me until I was (well into) my 40s to talk to someone. They helped me understand how I was basing my sense of self worth on how close I was to perfection. It helped me so much, not just with how I felt about myself, but with relaxing and enjoying my career. You have some great advice up above! People want you to succeed, and they want you to enjoy yourself along the way. Hugs.

12

@happy1
Within the same college, yes. Doing so across colleges, especially when involving something with as many required classes as physics and engineering, could add on an extra year.

I will speak with my advisor about the possibility of somewhow combining both paths for my first year.

13

I think talking to your advisor at ND is a great place to start. Get all the info you need.

My son is an engineering major. He found college physics easier than high school bc of all the resources…office hours, study sessions etc. He got solid As in Physics his freshman year in college. He also took high level courses in high school so College was not all brand new material.

Sounds like you will do amazing at ND. It is a special place. Go Irish :slight_smile:

Please make a counseling appt as well to work through some of your anxieties.

14

If you are thinking about physics vs engineering, then take the courses for the one that is more restrictive.
I would think that the freshman courses for engineering would be a superset of those for physics…then you could drop back to physics if desired (if you are accpted into the engineering college i have no idea how ND works)

15

Your imagination can always come up with scenarios that are way worse than reality.This is especially the case for people with anxiety. Definitely talk to someone about this before you become paralyzed with fear.

But to reassure you, colleges are good at knowing who they should let in.They didn’t make a mistake by selecting you.You didn’t fool them by studying hard for the SAT. You’re exactly the type of person who does succeed in college because you know how to study and value hard work.So respect yourself and respect their judgment by acknowledging that you deserve to be there.

And you can always change your major if you decide physics isn’t for you. But don’t let your anxiety steal your joy. Talk to a counselor.

16

Be ready for things to feel rough at first and for thoughts of running away or hiding, because it’s very likely this will happen. However, it’s critical to remember that the vast majority of your peers will be feeling the exact same way while all of you walk around with your head held high pretending like you’re fine. I advise that you confide in those you meet that you feel this way because you are likely to find friends who can relate. It does sound like you’ve put too much of your self worth into your academic career, however. Learn to allow other parts of yourself to develop— hobbies, other interests, volunteer work because you WANT to do it, not because you think you should to impress someone. Giving to others and getting out of your own head is a healthy way to manage anxiety and self doubt.

17

@QB18ND23 Please take a deep breath. i think it would be good to speak to an academic counselor. Do you have one assigned yet?

As others have mentioned, your test scores and grades from high school say that you have the chops to succeed at Notre Dame. The university would not have admitted you otherwise.

Your other thoughts are all over the place. You are undecided about physics or engineering. Let me assure you that in the first year (and possibly the first two years), engineers and physicists take the same courses. They may have different course numbers and departments, but the content is the same. All engineers must take multivariable calculus, differential equations, and linear algebra for math. All engineers have to take two or three physics classes. This is already built into your physics curriculum. Plus, your physics for physicists classes are taught at a deeper level. If you decide to make a switch to engineering later, you will actually be at an advantage. Just make sure you know what computer science courses are required for engineers and take those classes as part of your curriculum. More and more, computation is central to physics. Even if you go all the way and get a bachelors degree in physics, you can still go to graduate school and get a Ph.D. in engineering. Plenty of people have gone that route.

Let me assure you that you can succeed in physics at Notre Dame. Now, you should really start to focus tactically on how to hit the ground running your first semester as a physics major at Notre Dame. There are plenty of people, myself included, who can provide you advice in this area. What classes are you signed up for?

18

@billchu2
Technically I’m not signed up for anything yet, but these are the preferences I chose:
Mathematics University Seminar
Calculus I (will like get a 5 on AP Calc, but I’m redoing Calc I to be safe)
Intro to Chemical Principles
Intro to Anthropology (was going to choose Intro to Linguistic Antrhopology, but I saw that that’s a 200-level course)
Physics A: Mechanics
Also signed up for a voluntary first year course called Foundations of Academic Excellence
For my language requirement, I’m doing Russian since I already speak it. Hopefully, I can test out of taking classes for it.

19

@chaphillmom
That’s very similar to my mindset. How did you get over that though? I don’t really see much else I could put my self-worth in.

20

@momofsenior1
Perhaps not 4.0, but certainly close to that (in the context of the major, that may just be 3.8 and above). My performance should be comparable to that of students who go to the most selective grad schools in my chosen field, even if I myself never apply to those schools. In other words, not going must be my choice rather than an inevitability arising from not being good enough.

It is hard to see myself as more than my GPA. You must realize that, when I was in elementary (Russian system), my mother told me that if I didn’t get a satisfactory grade (the equivalent of a B or better), I needn’t bother coming home. Even if that was just to scare me into doing well, that sort of thing stays with you for the rest of your life.