Student on Student Lacrosse Murder at UVa

Parent Cafe
741

<p>Vistany, How do you know that the Huguelys haven’t already communicated with Yeardley Love’s mom (whose name is NOT Mrs. Love, BTW)? I suspect they have. Why? Because when the story first broke, it was reported that an aunt answered the phone at the Huguely home. (I forget which parent’s.) The aunt said that the family wasn’t taking any calls and neither was Ms. Love’s mother. To me, that answer suggests that there HAD been some communication between the families. </p>

<p>So, don’t assume because Ms. Murphy has now said something publicly, she didn’t say anything privately before this. </p>

<p>None of us know what efforts George Huguely’s parents made to correct his behavior. None of us know what they did/did not know. (I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they didn’t know a thing about his arrest during a visit to W&L. The cops don’t notify the parents of someone over the age of 18 when he is arrested. )</p>

<p>It looks as if part of the problem here was drinking. I have some alcoholics in my own family. I have a couple of friends whose kids have been drug addicts. There’s not some magic wand parents can wave that solves everything. And, if Huguely was on an athletic scholarship, his parents may not have been able to even threaten to stop paying the bills for UVa.</p>

742

<p>We have no idea whether Huguely’s parents “kicked his butt” when he got into trouble. We don’t know anything at all about their parenting style. I realize that when we hear about an awful event, we want to figure out ways that it couldn’t happen to us–I’ve told my daughter not to date violent men, I’d punish my son if he got arrested, I wouldn’t coddle my child–but the reality is, parents just like us superior parents sometimes have children who get in trouble. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.</p>

<p>I don’t know that Huguely’s parents are good people. But I certainly don’t know that they are bad people, and I’m finding these facile assumptions others are making unbecoming. A little humility, and some recognition that we are lucky when our children are thriving, is in order.</p>

743

<p>“So, don’t assume because Ms. Murphy has now said something publicly, she didn’t say anything privately before this” </p>

<p>Maybe. Or maybe the situation is just so incredibly awkward she couldn’t do anything privately if she wanted to. Can you imagine her actually trying to say anything personally to Yardley’s mom? What could she say? “I am sorry for your loss?” knowing her son committed the heinous crime that caused the loss? Maybe this is the first attempt of trying to show their remorse for what happened. </p>

<p>Personally, though, I just couldn’t do it- I would still be like the victim’s family and would be needing time to grieve, a blubbering idiot unable to put two words together, much less a very well-written letter. </p>

<p>Two families will never, ever be the same.</p>

744

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<p>It’s hard to get arrested and go through the court process including probation without your parents finding out. He was a minor when he got arrested for underaged drinking and he jumped off his fathers yacht when they had an arguement and the Dad called the cops but another boat was “nice” enough to snag him out of the water. Are you telling me you would not be concerned if your kid jumped into the ocean during a fight with his Dad? Do you believe they didn’t know he was on probation? They absolutely knew he was arrested for underaged drinking. Folks want to blame UVa but not his parents??? Get real.</p>

<p>George has a long history of problems. The list of what we all know is long. It is hard to imagine what else has been covered up. Why is his Mom writing to the public? The same reason Alston’s Dad did the clean up for him?</p>

<p>KandsKmom, you often mirror my Mom’s words. After she asked me how I was doing, she said something like “I would go to bed and not get up.” She got very choked up about Yeardley’s Mom burying her daughter on Mother’s Day weekend.</p>

<p>I feel very sorry for the pain this has cause so many innocent people. But as someone with really strict parents I really can’t buy the “they didn’t know” defense.</p>

745

<p>You have no idea what GH’s parents tried to do. Knowing about his behavior and being able to influence it are NOT the same things. Strict or not- sometimes you simply can’t influence your kid. Yes, they could have cut him off, but they probably kept hoping against hope that he would turn around. I’m sure he assured them numerous times that “it wouldn’t happen again.”</p>

746

<p>I am always offended when parents **publicly **say things like, “We love our child and will support him (or her)” after their child has obviously kill some innocent person.</p>

<p>It’s one thing to privately think this way, but to the victim’s family, that must hurt to hear those words in a public statement. If my child was the victim, I wouldn’t want to hear some parent broadcasting how much she still loves her child (the person who killed my child!)</p>

747

<p>Vistany, </p>

<p>As far as I know, based on news accounts, Huguely’s Minor In Possession arrest occurred when he was 19. So, he was underage for drinking purposes, but was not legally a minor. I am not familiar with Virginia law, but here in New York, his parents would not have been notified of that arrest. He was an OOS student, and that makes it even less likely that his parents were contacted. </p>

<p>Nor would his parents have been notified of his 2008 arrest and/or the probation or the substance abuse program. He may/may not have told them. According to the news reports, the probation period was for 6 months and he completed it in July. I know nothing more than that, but it’s clear that he served most of the probation while he was enrolled as a student at UVa away from the home of either of his parents. I wouldn’t assume his parents knew about that either. And, if they did, it’s possible that Huguely told them he was arrested for public intoxication–and left out some of the things we now know about threatening a police officer, being tasered, and having no recollection of being tasered the next day. I don’t know why you think it would be hard to go through probation without your parents knowing when you are 21 years of age and aren’t living at home. </p>

<p>I concede his dad knew about the argument in the boat. But…his parents were divorced. I wouldn’t assume his father informed his mother of what happened. </p>

<p>But lets assume that they DID know. That still doesn’t mean that they didn’t “kick butt.” We don’t know. </p>

<p>And, I haven’t read a single account that says either of his parents knew about his previous violent confrontations with Ms. Love as they have been reported by the press. Not every drunk gets violent. </p>

<p>Nor do we know whether Huguely was an alcoholic. If he was, then, from what I’ve seen, there was very, very little his parents could do to get him to stop drinking. If he was using drugs, there’s not much his parents could do either. </p>

<p>I wouldn’t say that Ms. Murphy was really “writing to the public.” It appears that she has been absolutely inundated by requests from the press to answer questions. Just about every news story about this fiasco says that the publication telephoned her home or rang her doorbell or contacted her in some other way. I suspect–I dont know, but I suspect–that the Washington Post managed to get an email address for her and emailed her. She responded to that email or just sent one saying essentially: “This is my statement. I am so devastated by what happened, but I love my son.That is our statement; we shall not say more. Now please let us grieve privately.”</p>

<p>I wouldn’t be at all offended by another parent saying she loved her child.
The statement EXPRESSLY says that Ms. Murphy realizes that her devastation doesn’t compare to that of Ms. Love’s mother.</p>

748

<p>mom2collegekids, she may believe that her son did not murder anyone and that the Yeardley’s death was an accident.</p>

749

<p>A message to almost everyone that has posted on this thread:</p>

<p>My God! Listen to yourselves! You sound like a lynch mob out for revenge against the accused and anybody even tangentially associated with the accused. Being related or just playing the same sport or any sport is reason enough to earn the ire of this revenge hungry mob. </p>

<p>One of the things I’ve learned in life is that the loudly self-proclaimed righteous and purest amongst us are in fact the most evil intentioned. They demonstrate their self assumed moral superiority by words of indignation that other like minded pretenders of good must compete with, and exceed. </p>

<p>Despicable is the only word.</p>

750

<p>Love is a Choice (which involves a commitment). When you Love somebody you Never Ever hurt them. If you do you didn’t.</p>

751

<p>I think the mother’s statement is appropriate. She expressed great sorrow at the death of Ms. Love. And the fact that she says she loves her son and will support him, doesn’t mean she is not upset with him, shamed about his behavior, etc. But a parent’s love never ends. And if your parent doesn’t support you, who will? Her son is in trouble. His parents are going to be the only ones he can lean on. Doesn’t imply in any way that they support his behavior. Simply, they are saying they are there for their son. </p>

<p>Also, people keep putting the parents down but nobody here knows anything about their parenting. For all we know, they could have been the most loving and supportive parents, who also punished George for bad behavior. He is now an adult and away from home. There is just so much they can control. They can’t even control his drinking, which appears to be one of his many problems. I’m sure they feel shame and guilt. To think that their son murdered someone is unfathomable to them, I bet. It must be hard to come to terms with. Their lives will never be the same. I feel worse for Yeardley’s mom but still feel badly for George’s mom and dad for different reasons. </p>

<p>We also have no idea if the Huguelys have sent private notes to Yeardley’s family. They knew the girl and her mom and it is very likely that they expressed their profound sorrow. It isn’t as if they support what their son did, but they simply love their son, as any good parent should.</p>

752

<p>I think they’re trying to do a little PR for their son. They are very aware George has no sympathy and their effort is very well choreographed by highly paid PR people. I’m not saying they don’t feel badly for what happened and the predicament he is in, but I hope you see right through this and realize it is just the start of a big charade to vindicate George and his “accident”.</p>

<p>PS: I speak from experience. This type of PR is quite typical in high profile cases. I am not kidding. All this "on advise from our lawyer bit…is semi true. The lawyer said, “we’ve got a big problem.” George’s family is very wealthy and can pay for this advice.</p>

753

<p>I don’t begrudge if legal advice was part of the email for PR. George’s mom’s statement offered no explanation for George and nothing about it being an accident, etc. She said what anyone should have said…sorrow for Yeardley and that they will support their son as they love him. There was no spin. It was an appropriate statement. It didn’t make anyone sympathetic toward her son and if anything, offered sympathy toward Yeardley’s family. There was nothing in the statement in the way of vindication. No matter what they say or do, they will be critiqued, as you have now done.</p>

754

<p>That’s true, I have critiqued them. They’re better off staying quiet and letting us grieve the loss. Nothing they say can make us feel any better.</p>

755

<p>An important lesson for parents to teach their children, daughters AND sons, is to be willing to stick your neck out, to NOT go along with the crowd when they see something that is not right. This tragedy could possibly have been prevented if fellow students had not been willing to overlook his abusive behavior. I’m sure every team member (of both Huegley and Yeardley Love) knew what was going on. They must have known what an unpredictable and violent drunk he was. This is the kind of thing that ‘everyone’, meaning fellow students, knows. My D knows who the mean drunks are at her college as do all her friends-- it becomes common knowledge.</p>

<p>As for whether George’s parents were good or bad or indifferent – I sure don’t know. I do know that some children are very difficult from birth (for example, low tolerance for frustration, easily upset or anxious temperaments) and some parents are poorly equipped mentally to deal with them. We all have failings as parents, but how many of us would say anyone deserves a murderous offspring?</p>

756

<p>I don’t know why people want to jump on the family backgrounds…</p>

<p>What if the student athlete murderer was instead a Hispanic champion from the barrio.</p>

<p>“Oh yeah, he was gangsta. He was used to getting everything his way …”
“His stalking behaviour is typical of people from the streets…”</p>

<p>Being rich can make you a jerk. Being poor can also make you a jerk. If Huguely had been born poor (but with the same genes) I bet (if he didn’t turn to a career of crime or something) he would have ended up in somewhat the same place but with a different circle of friends and maybe a different sport. And then a different girl would have been senselessly murdered.</p>

757

<p>*she may believe that her son did not murder anyone and that the Yeardley’s death was an accident. *</p>

<p>If she believes that then she’s an idiot. No one repeatedly hits someone’s head against the wall (I think he said it went on for several minutes) and then believes the resulting death was accidental. If a babysitter did that to her new grandbaby, would she believe the death was accidental? No. </p>

<p>She expressed great sorrow at the death of Ms. Love. And the fact that she says she loves her son and will support him, doesn’t mean she is not upset with him, shamed about his behavior, etc. But a parent’s love never ends. And if your parent doesn’t support you, who will? Her son is in trouble. His parents are going to be the only ones he can lean on. Doesn’t imply in any way that they support his behavior.</p>

<p>Oh, I agree. I just think it’s gross when these things are said in a public forum. She can tell her son, friends, and family that she supports him, but I think it’s in poor taste to have to have the Love family hear that after her “loved” son murdered their child. </p>

<p>I think they’re trying to do a little PR for their son. They are very aware George has no sympathy and their effort is very well choreographed by highly paid PR people. I’m not saying they don’t feel badly for what happened and the predicament he is in, but I hope you see right through this and realize it is just the start of a big charade to vindicate George and his “accident”.</p>

<p>Do you really think that George doesn’t regret what he’s done? I would imagine that while in a non-drunken rage he does regret it. I don’t have personal experience with any of this kind of behavior, but from what I’ve seen on TV, these people are often very ashamed of what they did after they are no longer “high” or whatever. </p>

<p>Even if he’s so evil that he doesn’t regret what he did to Yeardley (I don’t think he’s that evil), he’s likely to be selfish enough to regret how this will effectively end his life, a life that he certainly had many high hopes for.</p>

758

<p>I heard a very interesting interview of Claire Kaplan on NPR today. She is the Director of Domestic and Sexual Violence Services at UVA. She said it was likely the case that Yeardley did not reach out for help because the lacrosse teams are more like families than sports teams. She mentioned that there had been a number of marriages in the past between the men’s and women’s teams. I know that they also have meals together at the same training table. She said that Yeardley would have been keenly aware of the consequences of going forward with violence by a player. She also said that she has had many women come to her office at the end of the year saying they didn’t want to rock the boat but just wanted to get through to the end of the year when they would be away from the abuser. </p>

<p>I would love to see a fund started in Yeardley’s memory to benefit Kaplan’s office. I have read that, as of May 22, half of the goal of $500k had been raised for an endowed lacrosse scholarship at UVA, and there are some reports that the full amount has already been raised. There is another fund for a high school scholarship so people are being very generous.</p>

759

<p>I agree that the issue of domestic violence whereby typically women are afraid to speak up is exacerbated in this sports team community where everyone is so tight and it is like rocking the boat and getting friends and friends of friends in trouble. </p>

<p>Perhaps the Domestic and Sexual Violence Services at the college (and any college) needs to do outreach where they meet with teams to discuss warning signs and ways of speaking up confidentially and what not. No easy answers but more education within these student groups may help.</p>

760

<p>She was asked what she had learned about prior incidences of violence between the two and she said there was a lot of talk but that it was rumor at this point and that she had not spoken to any of the Yardley’s team mates. I was disappointed to hear this, but I assume the combination of this being a criminal investigation and the end of year commitments contribute to her office not being involved. As many of those who have info are seniors, she will likely not get another chance to talk to these kids. It would seem that she is in a unique position to interview the team mates to get info with regard to warning signs that she can then use to help others.</p>