<p>Here’s one suggestion that actually worked for a friend with a noisy neighbor obsessed with cheesy hair metal in a freshman dorm when the RAs did squat…play a Vanilla Ice CD* at loud volume in a player that can’t be found/turned off when roommate will be sleeping outside of dorm quiet hours. </p>
<p>After setting his boombox to blasting “Ice…ice…baby” into his noisy neighbor’s room right before he left for his early morning classes 3 days in a row…the noise stopped for good. </p>
<ul>
<li>Was my chance to put a gag gift I received in high school towards a worthwhile cause. When friend had that issue…all I needed to do was to mail him that CD.</li>
</ul>
<p>Problems with roomates were rare, but always taken seriously. There are RAs and RDs and counselors and clergy to talk to if a problem exists. I think this student had some underlying issues. If she needed to go home to finish fine, great that the school accomodated her, but a suit? I think that’s pushing it.</p>
<p>Colleges rarely move the other student out of the room - usually the complainant must move. We almost never kick someone out of their room if they didn’t complain, because sometimes students complain about frivolous things (we once had a student who wanted to kick their roommate out of their suite because they “didn’t know anyone else in the suite” and it was “awkward”). It’s simply not fair to the student who doesn’t complain in the vast majority of cases. Imagine being the parent on the other end and your child is being randomly moved out of the place they called home because their roommate entered a complaint about them (and remember, we also only have this young woman’s side of the story).</p>
<p>A roommate having to seek permission for overnight guests is more of a guideline than anything else. If residence life had to enforce that on all of the thousand something kids at the school, we’d have time to do nothing else. We deal with the really egregious cases, but in this case, the RA did all that they really could do, since RAs don’t have the power to make anyone do anything.</p>
<p>Remember, though, that the RA always has a supervisor - so if the problem continues to a point that’s unsustainable, it may be productive to NICELY ask the RA if they could talk to their hall director about it.</p>
<p>As the parent of a prospective freshman, I find the above very troubling. Really? The schools that my child is considering state clearly as a matter of policy that students need to ask for their roommates’ permission to have overnight guests. Are you saying that irrespective of such a policy being on the books, this would be more of a “guideline than anything else”? I agree that, having access to only one side of this story, it’s hard to say whether there is ground for the complaints in the case in question. But, really, isn’t it reasonable that someone should want to, say, study (or simply sleep) without having a couple a few feet away having sex? Surely the policies (or “guidelines,” if you will) anywhere would be pretty clear on the inappropriateness of that behavior?!?!</p>
<p>I think there’s just kind of a gray area between whether the overnight guest thing is a “guideline” or not. Yes, you usually can always forbid your roommate from having overnight guests. However, it’s BOTH of your rooms. While, yes, you do have the right to say that no overnight guests are allowed, ever, you are also saying that your roommate is not allowed to have overnight guests in what is also her room. I recognize that everyone is perfectly allowed to sleep in a room where they feel safe and are not having other people’s sex lives right in their face, but you are kind of barring the roommate from having any overnight guests in her own room, which can be seen as unfair by many people. Do I think this particular case is okay? Absolutely not, that’s ridiculous. But that’s what leads a lot of people to think that that rule is a guideline more than anything else…because it is BOTH people’s rooms. And all it takes is one domineering personality to just say “so what, that’s a guideline” and then you wind up with something like the original situation (though this is a little extreme). So it’s unfair to one person or another, though I think it’s a bit less fair to have to deal with people having sex in your room than to be unable to have sex in your room.</p>
<p>I had an overnight guest for a week when I lived in the dorms. It was a guy. We never had sex when he was here and we NEVER would have if my roommate was present, but it did happen and I don’t really recall asking her beyond a simple ask/warning (think “if that’s cool with you…”) if he could stay for a whole week. I never got the impression she was that annoyed, but we didn’t talk at all, so I don’t know. I don’t think that was overly wrong, yeah it was a week which was a bit excessive (he was staying with me for spring break) but he was respectful and nice to her, and he didn’t stay in my room all the time.</p>
<p>Regardless, I think the best policy is the “sexiling” rule that most roommates seem to have. It might sound outrageous to parents, but it’s not a huge deal to text your roommate (NOT during when he/she would obviously want to be sleeping) and ask them not to come back for an hour or so. Or when someone really wants to sleep over, ask the roommate if he/she can stay with friends for a weekend or something (though don’t make a habit out of it). Mutual respect and all that. It’s difficult because it is a shared room, but that seems like the best compromise I can think of, though if one roommate is sexually active and the other isn’t, it could lead to some tension, since there’s no feeling of reciprocity there.</p>
<p>Are you saying that irrespective of such a policy being on the books, this would be more of a “guideline than anything else”?</p>
<p>Yes. The reason I said that it’s a guideline is because it’s not truly enforceable, unless the university’s policy is no overnight guests. We have that policy on our books, too, but I can tell you from personal experience that usually if a student complains that their roommate frequently has a guest over without asking, what happens is the RA will ask the two parties to meet to have a mediation meeting, the goal of which is for them to work out a contract that would govern the way guests are supposed to be handled. If the original violator violates again, usually we would initiate the room transfer process - for the student who complained, though.</p>
<p>We wouldn’t kick the violating roommate out unless they were violating the Housing office’s guest policy (too many guests, not signing in and out properly, guests staying over the limited amount of days they can stay each month, etc.) or unless they were being physically threatening to their roommate. That’s just my personal experience, though, and it may be different in other places. Do I think it’s fair? Not necessarily (although I’ve sometimes seen some complaining roommates with some really silly requirements, like no guests ever, no overnight guests ever, etc.) That’s the way it’s worked in my experience, though.</p>
<p>In the case of a roommate presuming they can forbid their roommate from having any guests - that would also probably result in a mediated meeting and a roommate contract detailing guest policies that are agreed upon by the two parties. If they can’t peacefully coexist then we’d start the room transfer process for the complainant, in this case the student who wants to have a guest over.</p>
<p>However, in my experience, the vast majority of roommates peacefully coexist, and many of them even become friends. And MOST college students are reasonable about their expectations of guests (and cleanliness, and study hours, and other things). And even when there are conflicts, it’s also been my experience that most of them really DO want to work things out with their roommates. So I wouldn’t be <em>too</em> worried - the likelihood of something getting this far is very small, I’d think. I’ve had a variety of roommates/flatmates - none of whom I knew before I moved in with them - and I’ve yet to have a bad roommate experience.</p>
<p>Thanks, juillet. It’s kinda creeping me out that to think that there are people who are so crass as to feel comfortable having intimate relations with a partner while another person is in the room. I guess youngsters are not always so delicate or so capable of restraint. But, still. Ick.</p>
<p>The way you describe mediation efforts and the rest was almost exactly how the RA/housing staff attempted to deal with the issue of a next-door neighbor blasting cheesy hair metal until 3 am or later which wasn’t conducive to a HS friend being able to sleep enough for his 8-9 am classes. </p>
<p>Was effective as squat in getting that neighbor to desist so he ended up having to ask me to assist him by my sending him the gag gift Vanilla Ice CD which he set to blast that cheesy hair metal fan neighbor right before he left for his early morning classes…and well outside the dorm’s mandated “Quiet hours”. Whereas his dorm’s RAs and bureaucratic procedures failed…the Vanilla Ice CD brought immediate results after 3 straight mornings. Neighbor desisted from further blastings of cheesy hair-metal till 3 am or later. :D</p>
<p>If the university’s policy is no overnight guests (first quote), then why do they have policies for overnight guests (second quote)? Or is your university’s policy no overnight guests unless certain procedures are followed?</p>
<p>I actually know both of these students. Our freshman year, Lindsay went through 5 roommates…all of which transferred out. That should say enough right there. I’ve always felt bad for her but have feared to be around her because her mental illness led her to do irrational things, such as this hallucination lawsuit. Her senior year roommate was incredibly compassionate towards Lindsay and tried to get her the help that she needed. I’m sure to this day, even though Lindsay has made up this ridiculous story, her ex-roommate would forgive her for this and pray that she gets the help she needs. It’s amazing that Laura lasted that long living with her without transferring out like ALL of Lindsay’s other roommates did. Laura is just another victim of a very sick person. Although Laura could completely turn this around and sue Lindsay, I know she would NEVER do that. Her main focus is most likely getting Lindsay help. I hope that Lindsay gets the help she needs and stops ruining yet another persons life just as she has done to several in her past.</p>
<p>Stonehill is an incredible college that cares for it’s students. Two options were offered and declined. The “small cubical room” was actually bigger than mine! I WISH I had that room!</p>
<p>Back in the mid-90’s and we were directed to do whatever we could to keep students from wanting to change roommates at least until the semester was over, preferably for the whole year. There were just so many rooms available and people wanted out of rooms for the most petty of reasons. Sometimes there were serious reasons to change rooms, and one was a girl that brought home a different guy each night and had sex while the other roommate tried to sleep. I wasn’t their RA but her RA took the girls concern up to the hall director who basically said get over it. It was her freshman year and this honors students was ready to quit, after having to sleep on other friends floors at times to avoid her roommate. Finally it was taken seriously when this girl was sleeping in her own bed and the roommate and two guys came home stoned and one of the guys got into her bed. She fortunately woke up and started screaming and only because the stoned roommate left the door unlocked were people able to come to her aid. We all know what could have happened. The honors student was the one forced to move in with another roommate and the sex every night with a different guy roommate had a single for the rest of the semester and then moved off campus. I never thought that was fair.</p>
<p>Yep chronic roommate issues, as I assumed. But transferring out of an entire college has to be about more than a roommate doesn’t it? But if the school is losing students they aren’t exactly looking after students as they should.</p>
<p>redeye41 that is a HORRIBLE story! “get over it”??? What was it going to take … a rape? I am not a believer in law suits for everything that bothers someone but sometimes I feel like it is needed in these situations just to draw some attention to what is going on. That was a safety issue. Maybe the residency clauses or guidelines should include that if anyone was to endanger the safety of their roommate then they should be removed from all residencies … the victim should definitely not be the one who has to move out.</p>
<p>Modadunn I can tell you that if that if someone comes from a different family or cultural background that kind of trauma could start to affect their focus in class and their grades. A student who cares about their grades can start t olose their confidence and yes to the point where that college experience is no longer positive for them and they want to just get away from that environment altogether. Especially when they are trying to get help from others and they are telling her “get over it”. What’s to say that she won’t end up with a similar roommate the next year?</p>