Student with unique personal situation... Can't get help.

Parent Cafe
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<p>murphy, already ahead of you! i have jobs and have done work outside of school that he cannot be involved in, so that is good.</p>

<p>thumper, looked through my old posts and did not post anything, and i haven’t been too active aside from occasional posts on my school forum recently. i’m curious about that though… i’ll look into it.</p>

<p>oldfort, i have the same thoughts on filing harassment/restraining order on him, since he has been so unstable in the past. i do not know if it is actually worth it; however, i want him to stay away from the organizations i’ve been working in and NOT end up at the same grad school as him. a lot of Higher Ed masters programs i want to apply to only get around 100 applicants each year, so it’s very possible we could end up at the same place.</p>

<p>happymom, i have taken this into consideration, and have also applied to jobs in addition to grad schools. i do not want to give up my career path at all and do not think it’s fair that he’s taking what’s mine but publicizing it as his “passion”. he had four years where this was not his passion, and four years to get involved with these things, but he’s only now doing everything now that we’re not together. but anyway, if worst comes to worst, i have some back up jobs (my summer internship welcomed me to return) and am applying for full time positions, and hopefully he does not follow me with this path as well.</p>

<p>the best case scenario is that grad schools don’t accept him, so i won’t have to deal with it. it still doesn’t solve what i’ll do about him for this last year, but it would be the ideal situation for life after undergrad!</p>

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There are hundreds of grad schools to choose from depending on what you plan to pursue. There’s no reason you both would need to go to the same one even if he plans to go into the same area as you for grad school. If you mean you’re considering going in-state to a state school for a teaching certificate or a Masters then of course the choices are reduced. </p>

<p>I don’t know why you’re concerned about him ‘taking what’s mine but publicizing it as his passion’. Firstly, for all you know he genuinely is interested in that field now and regardless, you don’t ‘own’ that field of interest - it’s not ‘yours’ for him to take. It’s certainly possible he developed an interest in it - possibly from being around you. Secondly, you can’t stop him from pursuing whatever he wants in this area nor should you. Thirdly, it shouldn’t have much of an effect on you anyway since for any field you can think of there are hundreds/thousands of others going into that same field - it’s not like only one candidate has a chance. I think you’re wasting your emotional energy on this point since it shouldn’t have much, if any, effect on your path and there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. The only major concern here is whether he purposely goes to the same grad school only to stalk you and I wouldn’t be convinced that was the case since attending grad school means a major commitment in time, money, and energy on the person’s part.</p>

<p>Make sure you’re not one of those Facebook nuts who posts all of their personal information online for all to see (or even for their hundreds of ‘friends’ to see who can in turn post the similar info on their own sites). If you put all your info out in a place for him to see either directly or indirectly (through mutual ‘friends’) you’ll only make it easier for him to stalk you and irritate you. When you get accepted to some grad schools and make a decision, don’t publicize it.</p>

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<p>Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I truly appreciate the help, and am meeting with a few more administrators and the Women’s Counseling Center this week. My main goal as of now is to keep him away from certain high ranking clubs and positions that I’ve been working toward since freshman year so I can stick with a few things without having to worry about him.</p>

<p>GradGradDad-

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<p>I definitely see where you are coming from. The only reason this has been my concern is that the ONLY things he gets involved in are things that are directly connected to me that he knows about or can find out about. He also was very unsupportive toward my interest in Higher Ed initially when we together during my freshman year (I have the messages saved!). He would say that it didn’t pay well, most administrators/advisors didn’t know anything at our school (why would I want to be like them?), grad school was a waste of time/money if not for law or medicine, etc. This is the biggest reason why I think he is not genuine about his interest, paired with the fact that he only gets involved with activities I am definitely involved in. For example, there are a lot of academic programs and a Higher Education Student Association, that joined and am active in since I enjoy the field. He does not know I am part of these things and is not part of these things, yet they are widely publicized ESPECIALLY toward students who want to go to grad school for this. Maybe it’s coincidence, maybe not. He is also just now trying to get involved with extracurricular activities, as a 5th year senior, that I have been active in since my freshman year. The fact that he’s been exposed to this for years now, but did not act upon it until after I cut him out of my life, is the reason why this is such a huge issue for me.</p>

<p>It wouldn’t be such a big deal to me if there was at least one thing he did that I have never taken part in, but it’s not the case. The reason this became a concern is because I was recently appointed and recognized for a few positions at the University level (with administrators and such, they’re considered ‘distinguished’ positions) and he emailed the President or administrator in charge within a few days asking how to get involved. This is why I feel as though he is “taking” things from me, since I feel as though he is getting involved in this field just to have a connection with me.</p>

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<p>You are right here as well, but like I said in one of the first posts, there is a lot of back story to our relationship that also explains his personality. He is not financially responsible for himself and is extremely careless. He unnecessarily took a 5th year, after all. It would not surprise me if he makes that commitment since he has no other real career interests or direction outside of what he’s found out from me. Financially, he always has his parents as a safety net when he needs money, since they do not want him to harm himself. So aside from the fact he actually has to go through grad school, he does not have much to lose since he hasn’t had any other direction and won’t really be financially responsible. But then again, since I’ve kept my distance from him, things COULD have changed…but he could also have ulterior motives by taking this path.</p>

<p>Also, don’t worry. I never post anything meaningful on social networking websites and barely use them outside of facebook messaging and wasting time looking at other people’s posts. Thank you again for your input!</p>

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<p>I think your concerns are definitely warranted and you need to watch yourself around him and take extra precautions. Hopefully your family and real friends will help you in this area by also cutting off ties with him. </p>

<p>I hope it works out okay.</p>

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<p>If you’re both in the same major, your paths will logically cross in both class and outside clubs related to such major. This is not unusual at all. Whether you interpret this as stalking or coincidence is up to you. </p>

<p>Move on and stop focusing on what he is doing and where he is going. Hang out with your other friends. Unless he’s peeking in your windows, sneaking up on you in odd places, or saying/posting strange things directed to you, go through your day without thinking about what he’s doing. I kind of wonder if you’re bent out of shape because he’s gaining leadership positions in clubs related to your major. Remember, it is his major too. Also, one doesn’t have to have loads of passion to follow through with a specific career path. It could be that he found a niche and a good fit for his career path (which also happens to be the same as yours). </p>

<p>Focus more on your what you are doing and less on what he’s doing. If he starts to display strange behaviors directed towards you, then address them.</p>

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<p>The big problem with this is that I’ve asked that he no longer contact me, talk to me, etc. yet he still tries to talk to me when he sees me, comes over to my apartment without telling anyone (including whoever he’s there to see), and things of that nature. Since we do have mutual friends, I still have heard that he has very blunt/emotional online posts (twitter, tumblr, sites like that) that are directed toward me and whoever I associate with now. I’ve stopped reading them since the Spring, but I get the impression from my sibling and friends from high school that his behavior hasn’t change. (Sidenote, people come to me because they don’t know how to handle him. I no longer deal with him and tell the that, but a few people still talk to me when they are at a loss for what to do.)</p>

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<p>Not in the same major (although he took his second major during fall of his senior year in what I was already finished my minor in). He is just trying to go into grad school for the same thing I am, even though his major and coursework over the past 4 years don’t really relate.</p>

<p>Like I stated in previous posts, it’s the fact that he tries to get involved after learning of my involvement. For example, I got accepted/appointed to some big leadership positions on campus, the kind you have to work your way toward and really have to be dedicated to. Not sure how he found out, but I figure its because the organizations’ websites posted updated leaderhip positions and rosters. He contacted the administrators/president of the different organizations asking to get involved, even though the application process had started either at the end of Spring 2012 or beginning of August. Of course, it’s too late for him to be involved, but finding out from the my superiors that the “someone new was asking to be involved in our group” is actually my ex is really nervewracking and frustrating when trying to get away from him.</p>

<p>For those reading, I’d like to reiterate that this is a problem because the only extracurricular involvement he has are in activities that provide a direct connection to me. As far as grad schools go, he approached one of my mentors who graduated from one of the schools I already applied to with his list of grad schools. My mentor already knew of the situation since it happened in Fall 2011, and although he acted professional with my ex, he warned me immediately when he saw that my ex had a list of graduate schools that was almost identical to mine. Those are the big points of concern with me in this situation. I feel like he’s still trying to maintain some form of connection to me. There are plenty of schools, clubs, etc that he could do that I have no involvement in, but to me, it only seems that he is only interested in things that I have been involved with or am currently part of.</p>

<p>Again, I really appreciate everyone’s input. I am going to a few counselors and administrators again this week to voice my concerns and see if anything can be done. Thank you everyone!</p>

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<p>Agree with the above poster. Stop asking about his twitter,etc. posts. If someone starts talking about those to you remind them you don’t want to hear and walk away. Concentrate On what YOU are doing, not on what he is doing or what your friends tell you he is doing. In other words, ignore him UNLESS he does something that could be viewed as harassment. If that happens, tell him to stop, walk away, and file a complaint if necessary.</p>

<p>From what you are posting here, it sounds like you are spending more time thinking about HIM than about yourself. </p>

<p>The reality is that if he becomes successful in whatever this joint profession is…and lives in your vicinity, you WILL likely have some professional contact with him in the future. Your choices are to learn to manage this or change professions or living locations.</p>

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<p>If his goal is to occupy your mind and time, he is succeeding. Are you going to let him continue with that success for your entire senior year?</p>

<p>If an attorney says that you have no case legally against him, then your work with a counselor should focus on learning to accept and deal with a presence that you cannot change.</p>

<p>What sort of impression do you think it makes on university administrators when they find that a main preoccupation of one of their student-leaders is with keeping another student out of leadership?</p>

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<p>Well, does he have a gun? Since this is VT, after all, one would think that they would be hypervigilant if there was truly a concern that this young man will harm himself or others. Disappointing that VT’s counseling center can’t provide you more help. Have they improved at all since 2007?</p>

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<p>Minor thing but install a peephole in your front door so you can see who is at the door and do not open if it is him.</p>

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<p>I agree with thumper and ADad’s advice. </p>

<p>If as you say he used to be “mentally unstable and threatened to harm himself” then shouldn’t you be relieved he is starting to be involved in extracurricular activities and in leadership positions to boot. By sabotaging his leadership positions, you are, I feel, adding gasoline to fire. </p>

<p>In a way, I feel that you are alarmed at the same time flattered about his alleged actions. How else to explain that everything he does, in your perception revolves around you? That being said, I find it difficult assess a situation when I don’t have facts from both sides.</p>

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<p>Since the boy doesn’t seem to be doing anything illegal or in violation of school regulations, I think your best recourse is to see a counselor who can help you deal with your own reactions to the situation. He may be obsessed with you, but you seem somewhat obsessed yourself with circumstances that aren’t harming you in any meaningful way (claiming he’s trying to take over your life, for example), and that isn’t healthy. The fact that he wants to join a club you’re in or drops in to visit your housemates is annoying, but no more than that, and I’m sure you can learn to better handle that sort of thing with some assistance.</p>

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<p>A few more points I wanted to address:</p>

<p>I see counseling regularly, although they’re not the greatest, they’re not terrible either. I had issues with how they handled the situation last year, but they’ve gotten rid and have a lot of new counselors now, so maybe it will be better. So far though, they told me “this is a really frustrating situation, I’m not sure how to handle it”, so I’m not sure how much I will be helped. But it does help to talk about it.</p>

<p>I am not claiming he’s trying to take over my life. Some of my word choices are bad, but I am more fearful that he’s trying to follow me and maintain contact. He has many positions and involvement in organizations that I am inactive it (but used to be in leadership), and that’s fine with me. I’m concerned and want to take action toward the positions or clubs that he presumably followed me to, since those are ones that require we work together.</p>

<p>More back story…The reason why I am concerned is because of how he acted toward me right before and after I moved out. Since I do not talk to him anymore, avoid him when he is at my place, etc. I do not know what he’s like, but how he acted toward me during the Spring semester was not okay. More details that I left out, but during Spring 2012, he would come into my room while I was sleeping and I would wake up with him holding me; he acted extremely violently when he was angry at me for not living with him anymore, which resulted in him breaking his own hand; he also has a lot of resentment toward my friends now and the people I lived with last year - my old roommates said that he also said things that were threatening to them. There was one situation in particular that was a direct threat against one of my friends - he had a picture of my friend and shot at it with an airsoft gun, then tweeted after something along the lines of him trying the real thing. That was also reported and he since he was required to have weekly counseling at the time, he was on close watch. Like I said earlier, there are a lot of details like this that make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable around him, which I why I do not want to allow him to get involved in certain groups. Although I claim he has certain leadership positions because they were all things they already did, I do not care to remove him from these positions. </p>

<p>My focus is only on things where he would directly work with me and have a direct contact with me. My roommates and I have talked multiple times about him not going to the apartment, and they’ve held up their end so far, minus his unannounced visits. I don’t go to whatever he’s involved in, even though I still want to be involved in some things, because it is very difficult for me to be around him given the situation and how he has acted toward me before - that’s the root of the issue. I know I’ve said it a lot, but I’m really only concerned because he only gets involved where I am. Although this is somewhat of an assumption, from what I know without having to look him up or talk to him, he isn’t joining or contacting organizations that serve the same purpose as the ones I’m already in.</p>

<p>Aside from that, this only has started being an issue within the past two weeks, when I found out he directly contacted the groups I am in. Since I am graduating, I am extremely busy with school, my job, my leadership positions and extracurricular activities. Most of the administrators and other leadership in the organizations I am involved with only heard of this situation because I expressed my concern within the past two weeks. I’ve kept it very low key and only talk about it with people at school when necessary, so not too many people know. I do a lot of things here at school and have not been affected by him because we don’t have a direct connection - and I want to maintain that for the rest of my last year here. It really just become an issue in the past weeks, and I want to take action to ensure that he won’t become a threat again. The best outcome for me is to just not have to see him, so that is what I’m working toward. Hopefully my reasons for this make a little more sense.</p>

<p>Anyway, I have some meetings and appointments this afternoon, and will take into account what they tell me, as well as the advice given here. Thanks so much again.</p>

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<p>You have legitimate concerns. His behavior is stalking in nature. I would really disregard some of the things other posters have said that make this your problem and not so much his. This is nothing to take lightly. What about an order of protection? Everything he is doing, such as going to your advisor with the same list of schools, breaking in your room and “holding” you, Injurying himself, is not reasonable or ok. Find another lawyer and get intouch with a women advocacy group. The more people in a position that know your issue, the better protection you can garner. You may seriously have to forgo the positions you are seeking, so as to not have to work with him at all. He seems unstable and I wouldn’t trust him… Remember, he is not your problem. If he chooses to harm himself, that is his problem, not yours, you cannot help him.</p>

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and

Definitely not the response I’d expect from VT, of all places…“This is a really frustrating situation, I’m not sure how to handle it.”</p>

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<p>Yes. That is the root of the issue.</p>

<p>I am very sorry that he has presented you with this painful and disturbing problem. I am glad that your roommates are helping, and I would be thrilled if you could get protection from the courts (state or university).</p>

<p>However, if the courts (rightly or wrongly) are unwilling to keep him away from you, then you must either:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>learn from counseling how to cope with being around him, or</p></li>
<li><p>remove yourself from anything he is involved with.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>ETA: “This is a really frustrating situation, I’m not sure how to handle it.” is not acceptable from a counselor. If the VT counselors can’t help you with #1, then I urge you to find counselors who can.</p>

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<p>You now suddenly bring up this important detail. Your dorm room doesn’t have locks? How is he able to get inside often? I presume you reported the trespassing and assault to the Director of Housing, campus police and Dean of Student Affairs but you said “administrators I’ve spoke with can’t help.” You said previously that “Technically, this guy hasn’t done anything wrong” so I’m confused on how the constant trespassing and assault is not considered wrong.</p>

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<p>Milkandsugar: I had my appointment with the Women’s Center today, and they were extremely helpful. I tried getting in with them sooner but they’re extremely busy. The fact I still fear uneasy and sometimes afraid of being around this person is enough reasons for them to help me, even though he hasn’t taken direct action toward me, they still think I have a case and can help, which is great.</p>

<p>ADad & CTTC: Most people do not have bad experiences with the Counseling Center. I may have been unlucky, but both my counselors have said this is a unique case. The fact that it’s been going on over some time and I previously did not want to take action for fear he’d harm himself.</p>

<p>Krlilies: We lived in the same apartment last year, so it’s not trespassing. Though most the places I’ve talked to know about this, the counseling center and administrators involved seemed to handle him very delicately because he was considered a threat to himself, so the action that was taken against him at this time was that he had to go see a psychiatrist.</p>

<p>Good news: The Directors of the Women’s Center (extremely helpful - it sucks it took so long to schedule an appt there)and Counseling Center that I met with today got approval to send my case onto the University Honor and Conduct office, which hopefully will work out. The University will be able to give him a sanction saying that he should not contact me. If he violates this, then he will be issued a conduct offense, which can lead to legal action, suspension, and/or other consequences. </p>

<p>Thank you all again for your advice and concerns. Even though it’s taken longer than I’d like to get to referred to the right place and get the approval, it seems like the right place to take the action I want. Hopefully the best comes from working with the Conduct Office.</p>

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<p>Excellent! You may be able to find relief within the university after all, which would be great. Good luck! And I hope that you will let us know how it goes.</p>

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<p>Go get the book women who love too much…read it today…</p>