Student with unique personal situation... Can't get help.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>The actual story behind this post is FAR too long to post, but I’m getting desperate for help. Sorry in advance for the length and disorganization of this post.</p>

<p>In short, things have gotten extremely bad between me and my exboyfriend/roommate over the course of this past year. Between Spring and Fall 2011, he was very unstable and could be considered emotionally abusive. He also did some things that could be considered harassment and threatening to myself and another person. By Fall 2011 he became mentally unstable and threatened to harm himself because I would not return to our apartment and preferred staying away from him. I stepped back in during this time because he REFUSED to get help, and I wanted to make sure he stayed safe. Eventually, he got the “help” and was no longer a threat to himself, but things never really got better. It was also during this semester he decided he didn’t want to graduate, and added on another major so he could stay another year (even though he was 2 or 3 classes away from graduating with his first major). He’s also been using the fact that he could hurt himself to his advantage over the year to get incompletes for courses, and medical drops, even when his academic struggles weren’t really related to his mental issues at all.</p>

<p>On my end, I sacrificed a lot to make sure he was safe. His threats to harm himself happened right before finals, so I was unable to complete most of my courses and had to drop some of them. The ones I did stay in, I did not do well in. I was already in a bad academic position because of the abuse/relationship issues in Spring 2011, so the Fall was another bad semester caused by the same problems. I lost my Financial Aid due to RAP failure, and did not return for Spring 2012. My academic dean believed it would be in my best interest to take a semester off, but I had to stay in the area since I had an apartment lease and other work/leadership commitments. Since I wasn’t in classes, I worked a lot to save money, and all of my free time was dedicated to extracurriculars. Over the Spring semester, I gradually tried to get away from my exboyfriend - which was harder than it should have been since we were also roommates with a few other friends from home. He would call/text/message me constantly to get my attention, would get angry whenever I tried to do my own thing, etc. It was still a very bad situation.</p>

<p>Over the course of the Spring, he decided he wanted to take up the SAME career/graduate path I had been planning on doing since my freshman year of college. I’ve been planning on going to grad school for Higher Education Administration or Student Affairs, and now that’s his plan too. Because of this, he ran for a position I already held in a student organization for the current school year, and is now trying to get involved in many of the same activities I have previously been involved in or am currently involved in. Basically, he is taking my life over and still trying to be around me in anyway he can. He shows up at my current apartment unexpectedly (supposedly to see my roommates or for reasons not related to me), and tries to talk to me when he sees me. I’m at a loss for what to do, and it REALLY sucks that he is getting to be involved with the same things I’ve already been in. It might be coincidence, but he’s also planning on applying to all the same grad schools I am applying to (which he knows about since we were still together when I began planning for grad school).</p>

<p>I’ve been to counseling at our school, but the two counselors I’ve seen haven’t been able to help me DO anything. The administrators I’ve spoke with can’t help either. They just say that this is a tough situation and don’t know what to do. Technically, this guy hasn’t done anything wrong. It also sucks because my academics have suffered over a year & a half because of this, and I might not be a great candidate for grad school anyway. But regardless, he’s still finding ways to get what he wants and pushes this grad school path as his passion. NOTHING bad has happened to him and he’s getting everything he wants now, but I’m still suffering. I’m feeling trapped and anxious now that he’s finding ways to be around me and be involved in the same things I am. I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore, but I really need help. I just want some sort of action to be taken.</p>

<p>Hopefully I can get some advice here since I don’t know where else to turn at school. Thanks in advance!</p>

2

<p>You can go to court and ask for a restraining order for harassment. If you get it, then he has to stay away from you or risk jail. That will keep him away from your apartment. Given that you were at the clubs first, you might be able to get the order to include those gatherings too.</p>

3

<p>Whatever path you choose, stop communicating with him entirely. Make sure he does not know what you are planning, where you will be, classes you are planning to take, etc. You can’t control all of that, but stop talking to him, taking his calls, texting him, etc. Stop the communications that you control.</p>

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<p>“Technically, this guy hasn’t done anything wrong.”</p>

<p>Actually what he is doing to you is emotionally abusive and controlling behavior. You should make it clear that you do not want any further communication with him. If he persists, contact your local police and/or district attorney’s office to file for an order of protection. You may also want to call a local women’s shelter for advice. They usually have attorneys that can work with you pro bono. </p>

<p>Just for the record, October is Domestic Violence and Abuse Awareness Month. Domestic abuse does not just involve physical violence and it doesn’t just happen to married women, or poor women, or… It can happen to anyone. And, in general, abusers do not change just because you ask them to. Please get help.</p>

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<p>Many years ago my sister was in your shoes. She ended up transferring to another school. My parents spent many years paying off the debt from loans and ex BF getting ahold of her credit card numbers and charging up a storm. The creep kept finding her and continued to harass her long distance. He managed to get a job at the same firm that hired her after graduation and he spread so many rumors that she couldn’t advance within the company. He seemed to get bored with it finally gave up. </p>

<p>My advice…cancel all credit cards and reopen new ones that he won’t know about - have the bills sent to your parents house. (If he is visiting your roomies, he has access to your mail/personal items) </p>

<p>You are right that being near him is not healthy for you. He is NOT your responsibility. If he threatens to hurt himself again your only responsibility is to report it to an authority.</p>

6

<p>Thank you for the advice everyone! I’ve limited contact with him on my end, so that is good. It’s just that he finds a way to be involved somehow. The leadership position that he has now (which was my position last year) has a co-chair, which is my younger sibling who lives with me. They have do ‘work’ for this organization together, although I’ve requested that it be done outside of the apartment. He generally does not come over for long periods of time; however, the fact he is still around my apartment and in the same organizations/courses as I am makes things extremely difficult.</p>

<p>The worst part is that this is still affecting me. I sit on a few very high leadership positions at my university, so he is trying to get to that level as well. This past week, he found out about one position I recently was appointed to (probably since we are somewhat part of the same social circle still), and directly contacted the person who was in charge of putting me on there, asking how he could get involved. He says its because of his interests in higher education and grad school, but I have reason to think otherwise, especially since his grad school plan and extracurricular are all ideas from me! This was the last straw, and now I’m really motivated to do something. I’ve been trying since I returned to school this semester, but I absolutely need to see action taken.</p>

<p>I’ve visited the counseling center and a lot of administrators, and have appointments set up with a few more plus the Women’s Center. Hopefully someone will be able to do something at the school level. I’ll also definitely bring up suggestions from here and see what is the best way to go about things. THANKS!</p>

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<p>Any chance you can switch schools?
I know that sounds drastic, but it is very difficult to get rid of someone who is obsessed with you. Many of the things he does are not illegal and proving stalking is difficult. When my DD was stalked the attorney actually recommended AGAINST a restraining order as you must list all the addresses from which the person is restrained and that simply provides a list of targets for some exes.
Of course you would have to find a way to help your sibling not be a target, too.</p>

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<p>Transfer schools. If there’s a women’s college which offers your major, I’d recommend it–i.e., a college he can’t follow you to. Get a new cell phone account. Get a new email address. Shut down your Facebook account. Regard any information which is mailed to your current address as compromised. Explain to your parents everything you have written in this post.</p>

<p>Look after yourself first. Do not respond to his threats to harm himself. He has been able to manipulate your reactions before. If you stay at this school, I’d expect him to try to follow you to grad school and eventually to the same employer.</p>

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<p>I would not recommend transferring schools this late in the game - it sounds like you are in your last year, and doing so could be very harmful. Plus, I would not recommend taking such a big and at the least inconvenient step when he is the one in the wrong. Ultimately, there is a line he must cross before you can get legal intervention, and until that point there is little you can do, formally.</p>

<p>Informally, I will second the recommendation that you minimize contact as much as possible - don’t talk to him when he comes over. I would also recommend having a real heart-to-heart with your younger sibling and explain that this guy is stalking you, noting the same things you have mentioned here (his change of major, his copying your grad school plans, etc.), and ask that the sibling help serve as a buffer - if the meeting is planned it can be someplace else, and if it is UNplanned the sibling can take him and have the meeting somewhere else. I would also recommend a conversation with the people involved in filling those leadership posts you are worried about - it certainly sounds like there are valid reasons to be wary of using this guy in any leadership capacity, both because of his sudden entry to the major as well as his past mental health issues.</p>

<p>On the grad school front, I would keep that all a secret and perhaps lay a false trail - start mentioning schools you have already decided you will not apply to, stop mentioning your real prospects, etc. And remember that even if he DOES apply to the same schools he might not get accepted, and unless you both only get admits to the same school you can probably still trick him into thinking you are accepting school B when you will really attend school A. All this of course assumes that you are both applying for admission the same year - if he applies later than you at your grad program, a discrete chat with your advisor might help to ensure that he doesn’t get an offer.</p>

<p>And always, always, ALWAYS make sure that there are people who know what is going on and who have your back. The more successful you are at shaking him off, the more likely it is he will try something drastic. You want to be prepared.</p>

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<p>Switching schools isn’t an option, I wouldn’t want to anyway. I’ve wanted to go here since I was young, it’s the best in-state school for me, and I love it here. Aside from that, I’m in my senior year, so I’ll be graduating (hopefully) in the spring.</p>

<p>

That’s the vibe I got from my counselors and administrators so far. He hasn’t done much wrong, so I can’t really do anything - but I really want to, because this is draining. That’s the most frustrating part.</p>

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</p>

<p>I have stopped communication on my end as much as possible, sometimes it’s unavoidable. He does not make threats to my knowledge anymore, but I have the same fears as you. I’ve had my grad school plans since we were together, so he knows some places I want to attend for grad school, and he knows my top choices. Ideally, he won’t get accepted (he’s unnecessarily staying for a 5th year, and has virtually no experience in Higher Ed outside of this year) and it won’t be an issue, but I really have no idea.</p>

<p>Aside from this, many people do not know he is unstable, and he “seems” fine. Those who do know still respect him and allow him to hold positions or do what he wants because people like him. I’ve had to give up some things on my end to minimize contact, but now that he’s trying to be involved in the same things I am in again, it’s getting out of hand.</p>

11

<p>Wasn’t there another thread not that long ago with the same or a similar story? This is not the first time I’ve read this in this forum.</p>

<p>I’m sorry but staying where you have been for the last couple of years was not the best decision. Having all of your housing, siblings, and such intertwined was not the best decision.</p>

<p>Transferring if you are a senior would certainly be problematic. Who is paying your college bills? Perhaps asking for a years leave of absence would be the thing to do. If you did that, you could go someplace a distance from this situation, and when you return the ex BF would have graduated.</p>

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<p>You’ve been classically manipulated by this guy through his threats to hurt himself and how it’ll all change. Unfortunately you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I hope you realize that now. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you were controlled by him and you have to realize it to make sure it doesn’t happen again with him or anyone else. If he pulls that line again (about hurting himself, etc.) ignore him and don’t get sucked into it. He most likely won’t actually do any harm to himself but if he does, it has nothing to do with you and isn’t your fault.</p>

<p>I don’t know what what you mean by still having ‘unavoidable contact’ with him sometimes. Do you mean you just see him in the hall or class or do you mean you actually have conversations with him? You need to cut off all conversation with him. If he’s visiting your home to supposedly see your roomies, enlist the help of the roomies to not let him in or move elsewhere.</p>

<p>You need to move on and meet some other guys - normal ones who don’t do things like this.</p>

<p>Next guy you meet - don’t move in with him as you did this one. That’s a big mistake at your point in life IMO.</p>

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<p>thanks everyone for replies on the post! like i said earlier, there are a lot of details left out because it would add so much more to the post, but i definitely appreciate all advice that was left.</p>

<p>thumper, i pay for myself through savings and scholarships, and after this semester, i’m 16 credits away from graduating. i don’t know if leaving would be ideal. i understand what you’re saying, but the fall 2011 semester was the ONLY semester we lived together. it was with 2 other roommates, who are our mutual friends from home. although i recognize that was an extremely poor decision on my part, i got out as fast as i could after he was safe & lived with other friends with extra space in spring 2012. after we broke up, i feel as though everything else getting intertwined between us was out of my control. it’s also possible that HE made sure to get things intertwined to maintain some form of connection to me.</p>

<p>GladGradDad, i totally understand where you’re coming from. we actually didn’t move in together. my friends and i were moving into a new apartment for 2011-2012, and he couldn’t afford to stay where he was, so he came to us because we had a small extra room. basically we agreed to add him on as a roommate to keep rent low. poor decision for me, i know. like i’ve said before, i do not initiate contact with him, and if he speaks with or tries to contact me in any way (even if it’s me answering the door because he shows up to my apt unexpectedly), i do not say anything to him for the most part.</p>

<p>to get into more detail, i have told him to not contact me, that we cannot see each other, etc, etc. in terms of other ways he’s connect to me, my sibling and other organizations being intertwined was pretty much out of control. my sibling got involved with the social organization through me, and planned on running for leadership for this school year. he decided last minute to run for the position as well, leading to my sibling and him being co-chairs for the position. out of my control, since they were voted into leadership. other than that, we associate with the same people and our student groups overlap. i am involved in the governing organization that oversees the organization he has leadership in, and i was appointed before there were elections/nominations for leadership for the social organization. </p>

<p>now that he’s trying to move even further in leadership and become part of professional/high university leadership positions that i’ve been working toward since my freshman year, things are getting even more difficult for me. i know that he only began to get involved with this after he found out i was involved, which is why i feel the need take action and actually try to do something. things are just getting out of hand and i want to avoid having trouble with this during my senior year and also hopefully avoid him being in the same graduate program, or graduate FIELD, if possible.</p>

<p>if anyone wants a full story or anything, feel free to PM. thank you so much for your advice and input so far!</p>

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<p>It is very important that you let your sibling know that she is not to talk to him about any of your current or future plans or any other information that has anything to do withyou. I suspect that she will be used as a link to you.
Keep your plans to yourself since he seems to try to stay in your circle, he may try to garner info from others. Do tell your academic advisors and close friends about your situation so that people are aware of what is going on. One good thing is that he has another year to go and you will be long gone from there and hopefully he will lose interest.
The trick is to disengage your sibling from the situation as well.
PLEASE, you are not a rescuer, and he is not your problem. This seems to be difficult for some young women to grasp. Please learn from this and do not repeat. It can be very problematic!</p>

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<p>milkandsugar: thanks for the help. i’ve definitely contacted a lot of people since he threatened to harm himself, and a lot of different offices at the school know about my situation, but no one has ever been able to help in terms of taking action. my sibling knows that i do not want him to know anything. hopefully things between the two of them never include me, but i’m sure being around my sibling is just another way for him to remain connected even if i am never brought up. and that sucks since they see each other multiple times per week. </p>

<p>unfortunately he’s a year older than me, so he’s supposed to graduate this spring as well. :frowning: thankfully his majors are in a completely different school that mine, and he can’t take any of the same classes as me anymore since my upper level courses are all major restricted. </p>

<p>we’re in the same applicant pool for grad school, not to mention our resumes are somewhat similar since he has been copying me, to an extent. that is what makes me the most nervous. he could get accepted over me, when i feel like this is my TRUE passion. even worse, we could both get accepted and end up in the same place for another year or two. it’s just incredibly frustrating.</p>

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<p>Find some things outside school like tutoring or helping at an underprivileged school. Volunteer at a place related to education. This will matter more to trad school than a random club!</p>

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<p>You need to decide if what this guy is doing is stalking or not, and how important it is for you get away from him. This guy doesn’t appear to be doing anything crossing the line, so there may not be much you could do legally.</p>

<p>If you determine that this guy is stalking you then you need to make it clear to your apartment mates that he is not allowed to come to your apartment. If they want to see him then they’ll need to meet some where else. If your apartment mates can’t/won’t honor that then you are going to figure out what it is worth for you to move out (I think it would be priceless). You’ll need to keep your information private - where you are applying to graduate school (make sure your professors understand that), what you are doing on weekends…If he joins your club, quit. Record his phone calls to you, if he is threatening then you have proof. Keep track number of calls he makes to you.</p>

<p>If the situation becomes unbearable or unmanageable, you may need to engage your parents or school administrators to help out.</p>

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<p>I KNOW there was a similar thread…financially…did you post something similar a while ago? Same story…ex boyfriend…leadership positions…resided and worked with poster and sibling. I wish I could find that thread…which basically gave the same info…change your cell phone number, change the locks on your doors, don’t walk around alone…ever. Clearly explain to the others intertwined in this your concerns, see a counselor at you college, if bothered again by this person…file a harassment complaint.</p>

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<p>thumper1 - Few years back when we thought D1 maybe dealing with stalking, we were advised not to change the phone number because most likely the ex-BF would be able to get the new number, instead it was better to ignore the call and keep just keep track of it. Sometimes by filing a harassment complaint and restraining order may anger the stalker and make things worse. When filing those complaints, OP’s may also need to disclose her whereabouts. Less this ex-BF knows about OP better it is for OP.</p>

20

<p>Must you go to grad school next year?</p>

<p>If you move away from your current college town, get a full time job for a couple if years, and then apply to grad school, you should be able to avoid any place where this guy could be studying or working.</p>