I have a friend (late 40’s) whose husband simply “dropped dead” yesterday. To say she is in shock is putting it mildly.
It terrifies me to imagine dh dying. And he is 8 years older than I so the chances are in that direction. And it doesn’t have to be a spouse. Honestly, yes, I’m exceedingly lucky. Only my dad and my mil have died so far. My mom and dad had all their stuff pre-arranged so we simply went to the funeral home and put everything into motion. I guess my brother knew about all the other “stuff” as we spent the following week going from courthouse to lawyer to bank to bank, etc.
How does a person know what to do? I can’t imagine being able to put one foot in front of the other.
Talk to your DH. Know what his wishes are and where your important paperwork is. And take a deep breath! It is a tragic and rare thing for death to happen so suddenly to someone young and seemingly healthy. Prepare for the future, yes, but live for the present.
When mom was in the nursing home and my brother and sister were visiting, I made an appointment with the local funeral home. We made mom’s arrangements while she was still relatively healthy. When she died a year later, the home called the funeral people and everything was done. I was on all of her accounts, so i took care of the rest later. H and I have created a file for the kids so they know what to do.
Its easier to make decisions when you aren’t heart broken or in shock.
I’ve been co-executor of the estates of two family members who died suddenly. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There were funeral directors. There were lawyers. There were real estate agents. And all of them knew what to do and understood that I was clueless. The process of settling both people’s affairs actually went fairly smoothly.
But that was back before much of life was conducted online.
Back then, there were hard copies of everything, and important documents arrived in the mail (which you got forwarded to your own home as soon as possible after the death). So, for example, I didn’t have to worry that the utilities would be cut off to the deceased person’s house because the bill hadn’t been paid and that therefore the pipes would freeze. I got the bills in the mail, and I paid them every month until the house was sold.
Now, there might not be a physical bill. And I might not have access to the online accounts. And maybe those pipes would freeze.
We were fortunate that the estates of people we helped with also wanted to keep paper bills and statements, so it was easier to sort through all of them and have a decent idea of what the assets were and where they are located for settling the estate. You are right that with so much digitally, it is harder to figure out how to help out in instances of sudden death, especially if you have no easy paper trail of their passwords, accounts, etc.
H and I do get a LOT of paper statements and also have a complete listing of our accounts and passwords that we keep updated. I guess we need to keep a current copy with our wills and other important financial documents.
Once the shock has dissipated a bit for you, talk to your husband and make plans for both of you. And right now, tell your friend that you will help in whatever ways you feel qualified to do so.
From experience with my dad, I’d say that in the first days the only thing that happens is burial and so it’s better to have where figured out. We had to scramble around because mom and dad had no plans at all. Everything else can wait. It’s ideal to have an estate plan but if everything goes to the surviving spouse, it’s not super essential unless you’re really well off or there’s something specific to be done - like this goes to that kid or this goes to that other person.
To prepare ahead of time, there is a website that I’m sure I can’t link to, and abide by terms of service. I’ll add spaces and an * for the letter i. http://get your sh*t together.org. It was started by a woman whose husband died suddenly. Checklists for what to do and discuss, info on wills, insurance, etc.
ETA, OK CC’s not happy with what I did. Perhaps GYST will help you find it.
After my aunt died, her ashes sat in her brother’s house for three months before the family figured out what to do with them. They could have sat for years. It wouldn’t have mattered.
My aunt had her burial stuff all set up, but after she passed, no one could find the burial plot record in her house, and the cemetery (as usual, mind you, this has happened to us before, even with proof) said they had no idea she bought a plot, even though it was the one next to her parents.
We had to last minute find a place to put her ashes (no, she did not want to be cremated).
My friend was hit and killed by a car last July, right before her daughter started college with mine. It was terribly hard on everyone, especially her mother, for whom she did everything, her husband, for whom she did everything at home and also helped run his business, and of course her two kids.
It would have been impossible to plan for this accident, but everyone pulled together to help the husband rebuild his business, get the kids into school, relocate the mother, etc. Some things are urgent, some wait, and they do actually let you know when they are going to turn off the electricity at your house.
If the person who died lived alone, not necessarily.
My mother, who lived alone, died suddenly a few weeks after she told me that she was planning to adopt a dog.
I lived a thousand miles away from my mother. My sister lived three thousand miles away. And our first challenge was trying to find out whether there was a hungry, thirsty dog alone in her condo. (There wasn’t. She had postponed getting the dog because she had planned an out-of-town trip. But it took a while to find this out.)
They attempt to let someone in the house know. I was thinking of the situation with an unoccupied house and an electric company that doesn’t know whom to contact. I have had to manage the aftermath of two deaths, and both involved people who lived alone. I guess I wasn’t thinking of a situation in which there was still someone in residence at the deceased person’s home.
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I have a friend (late 40’s) whose husband simply “dropped dead” yesterday. To say she is in shock is putting it mildly.
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I am so sorry to hear this.
I know that these things bring up all these fears. All you can do is make sure that you have “things in order.”
Do you know where policies are, and what you all have?
What would you lose if your H suddenly died (besides, of course, HIM.)?
Would you lose your health insurance?
I don’t know how loans work when one spouse dies. If both are on the loan, then I assume the surviving spouse just pays? What if only one spouse’s name is on a loan? would the other spouse be ordered to “settle up”?
Nearly 2 weeks ago, the spouse of SIL’s sister suddenly died. He had been in very good health. He was bike-riding with their DD and he became winded. He didn’t want to call 911, but his wife finally convinced the DD to call. There was a blood clot and the hospital couldn’t do whatever they’re supposed to do with the balloon and he died. This all happened within about an hour. The family is in shock. He was in his late 50s and in “excellent health”. He was the bread-winner. I hope he had good life-insurance.
VAbluebird, I am so sorry about your friend’s spouse. After my cardiac arrest, I started putting together a list of all our accounts, insurance policies, etc. for DH and the kids. I tend to do the day to day financial stuff.
Most important advice I’ve heard is to not make any quick decisions. Folks need time to grieve and reassess what they want and need.
From what my friends have told me, DH was pretty gobsmacked when no one knew if I would pull through. I don’t think anyone is ever emotionally prepared for a sudden loss.